I had no idea that growing a beard meant diving (beard first) into a conversation about societal constructs. Who knew facial hair could make such a difference?

So, I’m a white guy, and being a white guy means being relatively free to do and be whatever I want without fear of being treated differently — let alone facing real, toxic discrimination — based on the way I look. It’s not fair, but it’s largely the truth.

One of my only physically differentiating factors is my brown, bushy beard, and surprisingly, it has taught me a lot about gender, society’s expectations, and maybe even a smidgen about racism.

Turn down the beard, turn up the body image issues

Men are not subjected to anywhere near the level of body shaming that women face, but as I’ve come to discover, even a tiny bit can sting.

For a lot of men, there’s shame and disappointment in the inability to grow “proper” facial hair, and shaving mine for the first time in over a year was a difficult glimpse into that world. Shaving my beard meant losing part of who I am, part of my (perceived) masculinity, and part of my identity. It was a lifestyle shift I was not prepared to make.

Without a beard, social interactions became notably different; I felt taken less seriously at work; my girlfriend at the time even told me in blunt honesty that she “just wasn’t attracted” to me without it.

Ouch.

But in playing devil’s advocate against myself, she sort of had a point: the ever-growing popularity of beards have made them into somewhat of a masculine expectation, so voluntarily going against the grain (zing) with a bare face means choosing the look that society may deem “lesser” at the moment. And though it’s important to realize we are solely responsible for how we accept or react to situations like this, feeling comfortable in your own skin can be a difficult proposition under any circumstances.

The “Ron Swanson Effect”

Some of history’s greatest minds and leaders — Honest Abe, Ernest Hemingway, and beyond — donned serious facial foliage, which sensibly correlates given that beards have been shown to give off signals of maturity, independence, aggression, and leadership, which are all traits of typical alpha males. That being said, television and the internet have popularized hypermasculinity and reinforced stark gender roles to the point of pure caricature, and Ron Swanson — Nick Offerman’s character in NBC’s “Parks and Recreation” — is the perfect example. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big “Parks and Rec” fan, but it’s disappointing how wildly popular Swanson’s bastardization of masculinity has become.

The most common associations my beard receives: Steak. Guns. Liquor. Lumberjack (I live in Seattle). “Duck Dynasty”. Drugs. Terrorist (seriously?). Beer. Bacon (internet, I’m extra blaming you for this one). Sure, these can be humorous on occasion, but why must we perpetuate such an antiquated view of masculinity when the world is being opened up to such a fluid range of personal identity?

In my experience, being bearded has automatically cast a wide array of associations and assumptions about my personality, abilities, interests, and opinions all with one glance. And although my bearded archetype is nowhere near the toxicity of actual racism, as a white dude, it’s the closest thing I’ve experienced.

Growing a beard often means being subjected to every expectation of what a man “should be,” when in reality, having a beard means one thing, and one thing only: you can grow hair on your face.

Follow Garth on Twitter @garthinkingcap

Related on EcoSalon

The Other Side of Sexism and the Return of the Sacred Masculine

Toxic Masculinity and Your Sex Life: How Do They Relate? Sexual Healing

13 Things Women Love (and Hate) About Movember

Photo by Alejandro H.

The post The Beard Identity: What Growing a Beard Taught Me About Gender Roles (and Maybe Even Race) appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnDo men obsess about their penis size because women made it that way? Not so much.

Penis size is a prickly issue (pun most definitely intended and I’ll just go ahead and apologize in advance for the rest of them right now.)

If you Google the phrase “penis size” you’ll get an inordinate amount of hits. We all know the Internet is fueled by porn and cats, but I’m starting to think that penis size queries are a close third. Men are worried about this – very, very worried. And don’t forget that the penis pill and pump industry relies on the rampant insecurity of penised-persons.

A recent study claims that for one-night stands, women prefer bigger penises. The interesting bit about this particular study (based on only 41 women, so certainly not comprehensive) was that the women were more interested in girth, not length. This study was novel in that it used penis models made from a 3-D printer (really). Most other studies about penis size preference have relied on images or surveys with vague language like “small”, “medium”, and “large” – not the handling of mock phalluses. To tell the truth, you’ve got to get your hands on them.

Sexuality studies are important, and we need more of them. However, the media often distorts the material, disseminating the information in a titillating manner that does a disservice to all of us. Making sexuality studies into clickbait may increase advertising dollars, but it doesn’t give us much clarity about the questions that plague us – with the most important one – “Am I desirable?” – at the top of the list.

A man’s member plays a huge (ahem) role in his self-esteem and overall body image, and if he believes that it does not measure up, it can open the floodgates to self-flagellation. And if he does indeed have what he believes women want, this same imaginary man might be a bit more cocky than he deserves to be. (I told you I’d be unapologetic about the puns.)

The thing is, both men and women overestimate and underestimate penis size, depending on the situation. For instance, in the study in question, women were asked to fill out a ten-minute survey after handling the fake penises. After taking the survey, they tended to overestimate the size of the “penis” they’d handled.

Penis size varies with ethnicity, height, and a variety of other factors. It’s a genetic lottery – so obsessing about it doesn’t do anyone any service. If men were more focused on providing pleasure to their partners via other means that just penetration, perhaps this would be less of an issue. Many men seem to have missed the memo — most women orgasm via clitoral stimulation, which is rarely achieved through the old in-out method. If your man’s penis isn’t bringing you to orgasm, it’s not about its length or girth, most likely — it’s that your dude is lazy and/or doesn’t understand how your body works — teach him!

Masculinity, as I recently discussed, is deep in crisis. If we could get our boys and men to stop measuring their members, we might be able to fix some of what’s broken in our culture — or at least start. I know this is a cliche, but I believe that we’d spend less money on the defense budget if we could get dudes to put away the ruler.

Millions of men continue to feel inadequate about something that they shouldn’t even be focused on, if pleasure is the first prerogative. The hands and mouth can provide a lot more bang for their buck than the penis, if one cares to learn to use them the right way. Don’t forget that there’s a new “right way” with every woman – not everyone wants their partner to mouth the alphabet with their tongue – asking questions and listening to your lover’s requests is far more important than the size and shape of any body part.

Tell all the men: Every vagina is shaped differently, and can accommodate a different sized penis. One woman’s “size queen” status is another woman’s “It’s not the size of the ship, it’s the motion of the ocean.”

I like to tell the story of “Goldilocks and the Three Penises.” (Names of penis-owners will remain anonymous.) When I met my first penis, I said to myself (definitely not to the boy attached to the penis) “Well, this penis is way too small.” When I came upon another penis some time later, I said, perhaps out loud, “My oh my, this penis is way too large!” But then, lucky me, I came upon the perfect penis, and that, my friends, is the one that I lost my virginity to (and dated for seven years). It was just right – for me.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

Related on EcoSalon

Being Good in Bed and the Ins and Outs of Sexual Technique

Orgasmic Meditation and Pleasure as Practice: Part II

Increase Sexual Pleasure: The Sensuality of Your A-Spot

The post What Women Want in Penis Size is Just the Tip (of the Iceberg): Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

In the few days since the Super Bowl, I can only imagine how much meat was eaten in a five-hour period. And how much of it was eaten by men—who consciously or not – identify their masculinity as “macho.” But is eating meat really more a sign of masculinity than a vegan diet?

Granted, it does take some guts to kill a helpless farm animal before ripping it to shreds and dousing it in barbecue sauce. But how exactly is that a sign of masculinity?

In her book “The Sexual Politics of Meat”, Carol Adams makes this  connection: “Meat becomes a symbol for what is not seen but is always there–patriarchal control of animals and of language.” Because, she writes, “language distances us from the reality of meat eating, thus reinforcing the symbolic meaning of meat eating, a symbolic meaning that is intrinsically patriarchal and male-oriented.”

Through marketing prowess, we’ve co-opted cleverly named fast food and processed meat products as a sign of a man’s ability to conquer and control, when it’s anything but. In fact, the way corporate branding and marketing prey on our culture, it’s more like the opposite is true. Men are being victimized by Carl’s Jr. ads questioning their sexual urges if they don’t rush to eat a burger after watching a supermodel savor bites of beef and bacon. And the same goes for Dollar Menu items that entice men to not only eat more meat, but the gimmick appeals to a belief that the men are behaving with fiscal responsibility in doing so, like a good provider. Like a man should. He eats cheap meat because it’s the right thing to do.

Compassion has long been viewed as woman’s work. It’s a vital component to motherhood, after all. But our traditional relationship with animals raised for food was once way more compassionate, back when most men did hard labor out in the fields and barns. Before the advent of factory farming, many male farmers raised cows, pigs and chickens he knew by name before he slaughtered them. He raised them with care so they were as healthy as they could be (you are what you eat, you know). It’s a far cry from today’s “manly” meat that comes from tortured animals who spend their short lives in dark, cramped conditions packed alongside thousands of other helpless animals. Their only interactions with humans are encounters few and far between the automation of factory living, and most often only where pain—like debeaking and tail docking—or death comes all too soon.

Even as the vegan diet (and other diet restrictions like Paleo or gluten-free) become more common, a man “coming out” to his football buddies about choosing not to eat meat falls in the awkward category, almost like coming out about one’s homosexuality to “the guys.” It’s even safe to say that a gay man today will probably have an easier time disclosing his sexual preference than a man announcing a disdain for meat.

Culturally, we do not have a framework for discussing veganism or vegetarianism with meat-eaters that feels safe for most vegetarian women, let alone for men. For men who feel there’s nothing macho or masculine about eating meat and that it actually takes more strength, more guts to stand up for a helpless chicken or pig than it does to bite into one, he better be ready for the blowback. Because there are few discussions as contentious as whether or not meat-eating is ethical. Like conversations about religion, politics, or vaccines, standing your ground without losing your cool can be challenging when confronted with vitriol. Contempt for the vegan diet is rampant. In my twenty-plus years as a vegan woman (and now a vegan mom), I’ve had to defend myself tirelessly. I’ve had to gracefully tell concerned relatives that yes I eat enough protein and no, I’ve never been anemic. I’ve had to answer the “but what do you eat–don’t you get bored of vegetables?” question more times than I can count. I can only imagine the questions men get about their muscles, strength and virility.

Men are also up against the “animals don’t feel pain” argument. And blatant ignorance from their peers. I once had a (male) medical doctor tell me that KFC wasn’t real chicken. He wasn’t joking. He did not believe there were actual animal parts in his bucket of wings.

“Just as feminists proclaimed that ‘rape is violence, not sex,’ vegetarians wish to name the violence of meat eating,” writes Adams. “Both groups challenge commonly used terms. Mary Daly calls the phrase ‘forcible rape’ a reversal by redundancy because it implies that all rapes are not forcible. This example highlights the role of language in masking violence, in this case an adjective deflects attention from the violence inherent in the meaning of the noun.” The same can be said for people who identify as eating “ethical meat” or “humanely” slaughtered animals. “The phrase ‘humane slaughter’ confers a certain benignity on the term ‘slaughter’,” notes Adams.

But if macho is meat-eating, what do we say about the scores of men these days who are adopting cruelty-free vegan diets? Would you ever suggest that vegan Mike Tyson has lost his masculinity for giving up meat? Or what about political powerhouses Al Gore and Bill Clinton? How about Olympian Carl Lewis? The tide is indeed turning. Just like most of the Super Bowl commercials failed to ignite any enthusiasm from the target audience–machismo feels played out. That’s not to be confused with masculinity—the world needs strong men confident in their maleness. But as a culture, aren’t we ready to embrace men who are also comfortable in their compassion? Men who don’t view eating healthily and gracefully as bereft of masculinity, but as a noble and ethical (and delicious) way to relate to food? Really, what’s more masculine than that?

Keep in touch with Jill on Twitter @jillettinger

Related on EcoSalon

‘Reiki Me’: It’s a LOL New Age Spoof of Miley Cyrus’ ‘Wrecking Ball’ [Video]

From Artists to Yogis: Are Sensitive ‘New Age’ Guys Sexy?

99 Sources of Vegan Protein

image: dinner series

The post Hey Guys, is Meat-Eating Really More Macho than a Vegan Diet? appeared first on EcoSalon.