All the feels women have when they see a new penis.

When it comes to penises, what qualities are most important to a woman? Because the world would end as we know it without an answer to this question, researchers in Switzerland took one for the team and found out.

For the study, published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, a group of 105 women, ages 16 to 45, were asked to rate the importance of eight specific penile characteristics on a 5-point scale (1 being very unimportant, and 5 being very important).

The findings suggest women find overall cosmetic appearance to be most important, followed by pubic hair, penile skin, penile girth, shape of glans, length, scrotum appearance, and “position and shape of meatus” (urethra).

The study was small, so the results shouldn’t be taken as gospel, but it makes sense that grooming took the top spot, and girth beat out length (because who wants to feel like they’re having sex with a rope?). Basically, when trying to determine what makes for a perfect penis, researchers found there was “no single penile aspect that is essential.”

That’s because women care more about the man attached to the penis. And no matter what it looks like, there’s something about seeing a new penis that makes us turn into giggly teenagers. On the one hand, we’re about to have sex, so yay, and on the other, we have this natural urge to do a product review before sexy time commences.

Here are just some of the thoughts women have when they see a new penis:

1. “So… there it is.”

2. “Wait, let me get my binoculars…”

3. “It’s like it’s staring at me.”

4. “Is there a user’s manual for this thing?”

5. “If I act too eager, will I scare it away?”

6. “There’s no way it’ll fit in my mouth.”

7. “Ugh, balls.”

8. “Please let that be an ingrown hair.”

9. “Note to self: Add ‘manscaping’ to your gratitude journal.”

10. “Does it always curve like that?”

11. “It’s go time.”

How do you react when you see a new penis?

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Cucumber image via Shutterstock / GIFs via Giphy

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ColumnDo men obsess about their penis size because women made it that way? Not so much.

Penis size is a prickly issue (pun most definitely intended and I’ll just go ahead and apologize in advance for the rest of them right now.)

If you Google the phrase “penis size” you’ll get an inordinate amount of hits. We all know the Internet is fueled by porn and cats, but I’m starting to think that penis size queries are a close third. Men are worried about this – very, very worried. And don’t forget that the penis pill and pump industry relies on the rampant insecurity of penised-persons.

A recent study claims that for one-night stands, women prefer bigger penises. The interesting bit about this particular study (based on only 41 women, so certainly not comprehensive) was that the women were more interested in girth, not length. This study was novel in that it used penis models made from a 3-D printer (really). Most other studies about penis size preference have relied on images or surveys with vague language like “small”, “medium”, and “large” – not the handling of mock phalluses. To tell the truth, you’ve got to get your hands on them.

Sexuality studies are important, and we need more of them. However, the media often distorts the material, disseminating the information in a titillating manner that does a disservice to all of us. Making sexuality studies into clickbait may increase advertising dollars, but it doesn’t give us much clarity about the questions that plague us – with the most important one – “Am I desirable?” – at the top of the list.

A man’s member plays a huge (ahem) role in his self-esteem and overall body image, and if he believes that it does not measure up, it can open the floodgates to self-flagellation. And if he does indeed have what he believes women want, this same imaginary man might be a bit more cocky than he deserves to be. (I told you I’d be unapologetic about the puns.)

The thing is, both men and women overestimate and underestimate penis size, depending on the situation. For instance, in the study in question, women were asked to fill out a ten-minute survey after handling the fake penises. After taking the survey, they tended to overestimate the size of the “penis” they’d handled.

Penis size varies with ethnicity, height, and a variety of other factors. It’s a genetic lottery – so obsessing about it doesn’t do anyone any service. If men were more focused on providing pleasure to their partners via other means that just penetration, perhaps this would be less of an issue. Many men seem to have missed the memo — most women orgasm via clitoral stimulation, which is rarely achieved through the old in-out method. If your man’s penis isn’t bringing you to orgasm, it’s not about its length or girth, most likely — it’s that your dude is lazy and/or doesn’t understand how your body works — teach him!

Masculinity, as I recently discussed, is deep in crisis. If we could get our boys and men to stop measuring their members, we might be able to fix some of what’s broken in our culture — or at least start. I know this is a cliche, but I believe that we’d spend less money on the defense budget if we could get dudes to put away the ruler.

Millions of men continue to feel inadequate about something that they shouldn’t even be focused on, if pleasure is the first prerogative. The hands and mouth can provide a lot more bang for their buck than the penis, if one cares to learn to use them the right way. Don’t forget that there’s a new “right way” with every woman – not everyone wants their partner to mouth the alphabet with their tongue – asking questions and listening to your lover’s requests is far more important than the size and shape of any body part.

Tell all the men: Every vagina is shaped differently, and can accommodate a different sized penis. One woman’s “size queen” status is another woman’s “It’s not the size of the ship, it’s the motion of the ocean.”

I like to tell the story of “Goldilocks and the Three Penises.” (Names of penis-owners will remain anonymous.) When I met my first penis, I said to myself (definitely not to the boy attached to the penis) “Well, this penis is way too small.” When I came upon another penis some time later, I said, perhaps out loud, “My oh my, this penis is way too large!” But then, lucky me, I came upon the perfect penis, and that, my friends, is the one that I lost my virginity to (and dated for seven years). It was just right – for me.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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