It’s not rocket science, but learning how to orgasm regularly, makes all the difference.

Some of my most vivid memories of sex, especially early in my erotic life, are not of the satisfying post-coitus elated release, but their opposite. Rather, it was the myriad times when I was still learning how my body worked, what kinds of touch triggered what response, how much time it took for arousal to take over, what positions reached deep enough inside–basically the whole ball of wax, which made orgasm work (or not). The times when I was so close but couldn’t quite get over the top before my partner was finished, sent me into a fury almost as intense as what I imagine the orgasm might have been like. So did the years after, when I thought I finally figured out how to achieve orgasm and I only wanted to do the exact same moves in the exact same order, believing it would work every time, except it  didn’t. And it quickly became a sexual rut that didn’t help my marriage much either.

For a significant period of my early marriage, orgasm misses were more frequent than the  orgasmic explosions I so longed for. My frustration turned easily to blame and it didn’t take long for my conflict-avoidant spouse to choose avoiding the whole scene, rather than risk the wrath of not getting it right with me. We spent at least a decade of our sex life among the ranks of millions who approach/avoid sex and keep score on who says no more often.  The truth is that whether they admit it or not, everyone wants to experience the seismic shift and profound emotional and energetic releases associated with orgasm.  And yet, this most intimate transformation remains elusive for many and for some, learning how to orgasm seems totally out of reach.    

In part, this is because of some fundamental misunderstandings of the workings of orgasm and the understandable yet completely unhelpful anxiety that so often accompanies our attempts to create the experience. The most important thing to get clear about orgasm is that you can’t make yourself, or more importantly, anyone else have an orgasm. And in fact, the efforts to cajole and force, only make our orgasmic potential more elusive. Prompting the all too common and vicious cycle where orgasm is set as the finish line and the entire sexual encounter gets tripped up in anticipated performance anxiety and our attention, which is what makes the present moment sexy, is completely preoccupied with whether or not you will find the end.   

The other unintended result is the creation of the sex rut, which happens when we become rigid in our sexual encounters and fixated on trying to replicate some memorable orgasm that happened before, is totally losing the fluidity of the moment you are in.

Orgasmic potential responds more readily to one’s capacity to surrender than it does to willfully trying to elicit it.  Surrender is an interesting state that emerges; it’s where curiosity and openness can lead. These emotional states, by definition, bring us fully present to what is happening in and around us. They allow the body freedom to experiment and feel while giving the mind freedom to roam. The human brain cannot simultaneously process anxiety and sexual arousal. So giving up the mind space of bad body images, worries over genital size, or the most common: being able to achieve orgasm, needs to go away for the body to surrender to finding its way.

The good news is that the more orgasms you have, the more orgasms you’re likely to have in the future. So learning how to orgasm comes with learning how to surrender to and trust your sexual response will not only help develop your orgasmic potential, but will also give you practice of letting go of anxiety. Not surprisingly,  many people have more success achieving orgasm alone than with their partner, but this is worthy practice, because the better you get at honing your own personal turn-on skills, the easier it gets sharing them with someone you love. Think of developing your capacity for orgasm as a  potent form of meditation- even when you don’t achieve bliss, the practice of harnessing our attention is where orgasmic potential starts.

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The post How to Orgasm Every Single Time appeared first on EcoSalon.

Sex sells. And Sprout Pharmaceuticals just scored the diamond ring with the FDA approval of its previously rejected female Viagra drug Flibanserin. But is it just selling us the image of desire or can it authentically fix our female libido problems? 

This libido issue has been recognized as a “medical” problem, initially termed hypoactive sexual desire (H.S.D.D. ) with its own diagnostic code until 2013 when it was renamed female sexual interest/arousal disorder (F.S.I.A.D.).  The name change, as silly as it sounds, is important because it indicates a new and more accurate understanding of a more realistic sexual response cycle for women. The idea that this new pink Viagra treats a disorder that isn’t even still in the books only adds insult to injury when you consider both the significant side effects, including fainting and low blood pressure from Flibasnserin (a failed antidepressant), and the almost non-existent increase in sexual response.   

Only two days after the approval of Flibanserin, Sprout Pharmaceuticals, a company of less than 40 employees, was sold for $1 billion, easily covering the $100 million dollar initial investment, spent mostly on an elaborate social media campaign equating a dubious drug approval to equal rights for women. The one good thing that has come from the FDA drug approval and even the bogus PR movement “Even the Score” developed to persuade the FDA to cave on the drug, is that now we can speak freely and honestly about female libido- and the fact that most women want more of it, but often have no idea how to get it. 

How about we begin instead with some basic sex education and dispel a few persistent myths about how libido works as well as how it changes. The persistent and harmful belief that sexual desire is or should be spontaneous is where the trouble starts. We all remember those initial early stirrings of sexual hunger, when it was some odd animal unleashed in us, just by being near the crush of the month, or even the frenzied, rip-your-clothes off feelings in the biologically driven stage of falling in love. Who doesn’t love that kind of spontaneous eruption of desire? It’s like surfing a giant wave, or dancing around a bonfire. So yes, there are times- rare and beautiful as they are- when our libido spontaneously takes us on a fantastic ride, sometimes resulting in an over the top orgasm.   

And then there is life: children, bills, figuring out the Feng Shui of correct furniture placement, dealing with in-laws, trying to progress in careers, cars breaking down, and you know… getting to an exercise class. Somehow, spontaneous sexual desire doesn’t usually mix in this list. This is where we have to start working for a new and more reliable form of libido. As adults, this is the moment when we have to both want and learn how to generate our capacity for desire. And this is where the libido story falls apart for most women. Study participants stated, “Once I started, it wasn’t an issue. It was getting me started.” And “I hate having to ‘wind myself up’ to do it,” said another participant. “It makes me feel broken.”  These comments reflect the real problem with female libido, that most women don’t understand: what makes desire work over the long-term is being willing to own and cultivate our erotic selves.   

It is a big leap to take responsibility for our own erotic impulses. It is much easier to let them lie dormant under a giant stack of old guilt or wounds of  being sexual, emotional disconnection from our partner, silent shame about our body image, or just having no idea about how to access a fantasy life. It is grown-up business that requires both curiosity and commitment to our erotic soul for it to flourish. And most women equate that work with being broken. We know now that desire is not usually the leader- just waking up our capacity to be aroused is enough to kick desire awake. And arousal is available through any of our senses if we go looking for it.

Giving up the longing for spontaneous desire to take you over and leaning towards getting good at cultivating responsive desire is the only pill you need to take.  Not only will you avoid the pain and embarrassment of frequent fainting spells, which will not help your libido, but you will invent exciting new pathways in your brain to actually get to the passion we all truly want.

Stay tuned in the next weeks for real ideas on how to make your own desire cure.

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The post Female Viagra: Selling Desire, Not Fixing the Female Libido Problem appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnSince the #30DayOrgasmChallenge launched in September, one thing has become eminently clear: the benefits of orgasm are impossible to ignore. I’ve been totally floored by the response.

Over the summer, after a lot of research, myriad in-person conversations and Gchats with friends and colleagues, I realized that there is a prevailing dissatisfaction with the state of the orgasm (at least for the mostly cis-gender, heterosexual women I’d been hearing from). So I had an idea: I would ask women to think about their orgasms in an entirely new way — and to follow up it up with action.

The #30DayOrgasmChallenge asked women to re-conceptualize their orgasms as a transformative, health-giving mind/body experience as essential as any other daily practice: like meditation, yoga, juicing… all the stuff that we manage to make time for because we know it’s good for us.

We tend to think of orgasms as a kind of gift — something we sometimes, when we’re lucky, get from an intimate experience. But what if this kind of pleasure were simply a part of your regular routine? Only 25 percent of heterosexual women are likely to have an orgasm from partnered sex, thanks to the orgasm gap. So taking it into our own hands, so to speak — is essential.

This challenge was made for women of all ages – those in their reproductive years and without kids, still reproductive young parents, peri and pre-menopausal – and post-menopause. And all relationship statuses – single, recently divorced, in long-term partnerships, newly dating. The #30DayOrgasmChallenge is a pleasure protocol for every woman.

Our desires fluctuate through the various stages of a relationship — from the “I must jump your bones immediately” phase to the “kinda bored” phase to the “OMG get off of me” phase. Some people call these latter phases “the itch” as in the two-year, five-year, or seven-year-itch. And being in any one of these stages can do a major number on your self-esteem – and with that, kill off what feels like the last of your desire. None of these stages, however, guarantee orgasms for women, which is why we must learn to expect and demand them. It’s essential for women to remember that the waning of your desire for a long-term partner is perfectly normal – and science backs it up. Women tend to get bored even earlier then men, despite the many myths we’ve been fed about our sexuality.

The #30DayOrgasmChallenge was (and still is, because you can start any time) an opportunity to revisit the frontier of your authentic desire nature — to remember who you’ve been and who you might be if you could be anyone you wanted to. Having an orgasm a day for 30 days can show you what your real relationship with pleasure is — exempt from the expectations of your partner, your culture, your body image issues, and other barriers to deeper self-knowledge about what you want and need.

For the initial launch, different women had different goals: some wanted to get to know their own bodies better – solo sex is a really important and necessary tool for teaching your current or future lovers what you want. Some women wanted to experience more intense, longer, and/or deeper orgasms through a daily practice. Some wanted to address diagnosed sexual dysfunction. Some wanted to know if they could achieve vaginal orgasms in addition to clitoral ones. Some wanted to move past shame and guilt. Still others just wanted stress relief, better sleep, and heightened immunity. But all knew that the benefits of orgasm are many and varied, and they simply wanted more of the good stuff.

I’m happy to report that various participants have told me that they’re never going to take the benefits of orgasm for granted again. Many found it to be deeply liberating and consciousness-shifting. I loved the creative directions in which different women took the challenge – a number of people kept a daily journal and wrote about each of their orgasms. Like the famous Morning Pages that many swear by, these “Orgasm Pages” were a place for the women to deposit the images, emotions, and states of awareness they uncovered as they moved through their 30-day journey. A few were even willing to share, like Carolyn Jayne, an artist from Rhode Island. She did more than merely journal – she created visual journals – gorgeous water color paintings for each entry. (Her prints are available for purchase, contact her at cjayneart@yahoo.com). Here’s an excerpt from one — the image is called “Juno’s Pomegranate”.

Day 26 – seems Stefanie’s 30 day challenge has opened new portals of magic and mystery within. As my watercolor art unfolds in perfect timing with my body’s “unfolding”. Or rather that which was previously folded up and put away in a dusty linen closet of yore has been re-opened and rejuvenated.

SG from Seattle had this to say: “The commitment to self-pleasure on an ongoing basis yielded profound shifts within me. Not only did I feel an enriched reconnection with my body and heart, but I felt a more dynamic sense of power and liberation, jewels that came from more deeply rooting the knowledge of my ability to rely upon and treasure myself.” 

Did you take on the #30DayOrgasmChallenge? Will you take the benefits of orgasm to the next level? If so, please share your reactions with me. Let’s change the world for women — one orgasm at a time.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email  stefanie at ecosalon dot com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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The post The Undeniable Benefits of Orgasm — Revisiting the #30DayOrgasmChallenge: Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnThe entire universe knows that the “Fifty Shades of Grey” trailer was released last week, so if you don’t – where on Earth have you been?

I chatted with Rachel Kramer Bussel, editor of “The Big Book of Submission: 69 Kinky Tales,” about kink, BDSM, and how we can go beyond “Fifty Shades”. You know you want to.

Stefanie Weiss: What’s your quick and dirty definition of BDSM?

Rachel Kramer Bussel: I usually just define the acronym – bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism, which can involve eroticizing power and control as well as eroticizing the giving and receiving of pain, pleasure, and other kinks. It’s such a wide term that it can be hard to define.

SW: How and why can it be liberating for women — especially those who have only been exposed to “vanilla” sex?

RKB: I don’t think BDSM is for everyone, but for many women, it’s a way to explicitly play with power in ways we can’t always do in our daily lives, whether because we are expected to be “good girls” or are simply bound (no pun intended) by societal and workplace rules. There are also rules in BDSM, but once you’ve agreed on those, it can be anything goes in terms of exploring and possibly pushing your own limits, by choice. For example, you can be “bad” and get a spanking or other “punishment,” but you’re playing by rules you’ve agreed to, and very possibly fantasized about.

SW: I’m loving your new book “The Big Book of Submission: 69 Kinky Tales“. The characters are in all positions (literal and figurative) in the submission/dom context. Women are dommes, subs, and everything in between. How is your vision different than the standard “Fifty Shades of Grey” narrative? (Which I will admit now I could never bring myself to read.)

RKB: With an erotica anthology, especially one with 69 stories, there’s much more room for variety. I wanted to give readers a range of entertainment as well as possibilities for reasons characters may enter into BDSM relationships and what they get out of them. I think something we as a culture don’t tend to think about as much are the doms; when someone wants, say, to be tied up, it’s expected that the other person, especially if they are a man, will want to. Not all kinky men are dominant, nor are all kinky women submissive, so I wanted that to come across in the book. I wanted there to be playful as well as more intense examples of kink, and show the mental as well as physical side, which is why my story is called “Reverse Psychology.” The narrator is devoted to his domme and does things to please her, not because he’s inherently into delivering pain.

SW: What myths about BDSM have been inspired by “Fifty Shades”?

RKB: I believe the main myths came from the media around the books, claiming, essentially, that women wanting to try submission are anti-feminist and that this was somehow a setback for women. What that idea misses is that what we do in the bedroom is not a direct mirror of our lives outside of it. There’s a world of difference between choosing to temporarily give up control (while still having ultimate control and a safeword) within the context of a voluntary, chosen BDSM relationship to further your erotic life and living in a world where women so often lack control over our safety.

SW: Follow up: Do you think some good things have come out of the “Fifty Shades” craze in recent years, or are you more concerned with the myths it’s perpetuated?

RKB: I think that like “Sex and the City”, “Fifty Shades of Grey’s” popularity has opened major discussions about women’s sexuality and BDSM and given women access to erotic reading materials, sex toys and information they had to hunt harder for before. Now, “Fifty Shades” is for sale at drugstores and pretty much every bookstore. Sex toy stores are reporting great rises in sales. The way “Fifty Shades“ became popular was by women sharing the book with each other, so I think the barrier of talking about your kinky predilections and feeling they are something to hide has also lessened. Whether you want to try what’s in the book or not, it’s made it not just okay, but accepted that women are having their own fantasies and embracing erotic books written with them in mind.

SW: Any reason you think our culture embraced this now? I’ve heard theories about powerful women needing to be controlled in the bedroom, because they’re “always on top” at work. But I find this to be anti-feminist BS. What do you attribute the BDSM boom to?

RKB: I agree that that’s not the reason for its popularity. I think we’ve been moving toward a point where something like “Fifty Shades”could break out, and it happened to hit at the right time. I think it’s more about our culture embracing an openness to explore, to not have to keep sex toys a secret, to talk more freely about sexuality. Women are passing the books on to their friends and even family members, not necessarily because they think they should try kink, but because they connect with the story.

SW: How can BDSM change our self-perception? Can it help us to heal deep-seated sexual shame?

RKB: BDSM can show you sides of yourself you’d never considered before. Maybe you’re the shy, quiet type, but are with a lover who wants to be ordered around, told what to do, yelled at, who is at your service in every way. That’s heady stuff and a power trip that can surprise you with how you react. Similarly, if you are exploring submission for the first time, it can be both exhilarating and scary; you have to truly trust the person you’re with, and trust yourself. You can test your mental and physical stamina and emerge awed by the power of your mind and body to, say, transform pain into erotic pleasure, or process something we’d hate in our daily lives into something incredibly erotic. For example, I love being “ordered” to do things in the bedroom, but in my regular life I despise it. I don’t know why exactly that’s how I’m wired, but it’s a wonderful feeling to realize how turned on I can get when I’m with someone I trust who then taps into that and can play off of that element.

SW: If a woman wanted to introduce BDSM to her very-vanilla husband or partner, how would you suggest broaching the subject?

RKB: Firstly, you need to be comfortable with talking about what you want, and making room for the other person to talk about what they want. You can just go in and demand, “Tie me up, gag me and torment me,” even if that’s what you’re fantasizing about, especially if you’ve never discussed it with your partner. I’d suggest having that first discussion outside the bedroom, and while you don’t need to make a PowerPoint presentation of what you want, offer some examples of what you’re interested in. Perhaps you two can browse online or watch an erotic movie involving some of the things you’re intrigued by and then discuss what you may or may not feel comfortable with. You may want to explore kinky social networking site Fetlife.com, where you can read about what other people are into and join groups such as The Newbie Spot for subs and Dominants.

Before you start playing, agree on a safeword, which means if one of you wants to call things off or pause, you can say the word and automatically halt the action. Consider making a yes/no/maybe list of things you do want to try, things you definitely don’t, and things you might be into; Charlie Glickman has helpful resources on that.

SW: So many people have dark associations with the concept of S & M — they believe that everyone that engages in it is damaged — care to counter that stereotype?

RKB: There are some people who, like Christian Grey, may be working out mental demons via BDSM, and there are ways to do that safely as well as ways to do that not safely. You could say that we are all “damaged” on some level so I think it’s not necessarily a problem unless you’re being unsafe in your BDSM practices. But the idea that everyone who practices BDSM is automatically suspect is a problem. People come to BDSM from a range of backgrounds and experiences, as many people as come to, say, marriage. Maybe a partner is into it and that’s your entree, or you read about it watch a movie about it or discover a club or party or event. It’s such a personal journey and there’s no one size fits all element.

SW: For all the psychologically-stable BDSM participants merely exercising their fantasies in real life, there are people out there who are using it the wrong way. How can those interested in experimenting with BDSM — outside the context of an established relationship — find safe people to play with?

RKB: Try going to a munch in your town, which is a casual gathering, usually at a restaurant, to meet like-minded people. There’s no pressure and it’s a non-sexual environment where you can talk and chat and get to know people, who may be able to help you steer clear of people known to be unsafe as well as guide you toward safe spaces. You want to be extra cautious and if you are going to be in private with someone you don’t know, tell a friend where you are going. Vet them as carefully as you can because you want to make sure they have your best interests at heart, will listen if you use your safeword or have concerns and won’t pressure you to go further than you’d like, and also knows what they’re doing. For instance, there are parts of the body that you shouldn’t use a flogger or other tools on, and they need to know that to keep you safe, as do you if you are the one in charge.

SW: Can BDSM just be about physical, sensual pleasure — or is there always a psychological component?

RKB: It definitely can. There’s so much variety; some people combine mental and physical play, for some people it’s more one or the other. Some people enjoy the sensation of being flogged or beaten or spanked or straining against bonds but they don’t want to do it as “punishment” or as part of a dominant/submissive dynamic. It may be an endorphin rush or simply part of how they get off.

Join Stefanie on a journey to the authentic heart of your sexual self with Project 40: Sadism, Masochism, Sexuality & Shadow, an online 40-day tour through the heart of your psyche via intensive journaling, ritual, and guided daily emails. 

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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The post Beyond ‘Fifty Shades’: What’s the Real Deal with BDSM? Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnA petulant husband recently emailed his wife a sex spreadsheet, detailing all the moments she’d rejected his sexual advances during the previous month. She posted it on Reddit, where her sexcuses quickly went viral. The Internet had a solid laugh.

Aside from the much-needed LOL we got from the sex spreadsheet story during a week of grueling, awful news, it brings up an important question – is it possible to owe your partner sexual satisfaction in the same way you owe payments on your student loan? In short, no. But it’s not always that simple.

When, if, how and why we have sex within our committed relationships is generally fraught with complexity and confusion. We’re understandably made more vulnerable when our advances are rebuffed – this is true for men and women, gay and straight people and everyone in-between. Every relationship and its attendant sexual rhythm is unique — yet some gender stereotypes still prevail.

In the old story, when heterosexual men signed up for marriage, they bought a virgin with an engagement ring. Put a ring on it and your wifey will put a ring on… well, you get my point.

Three months salary is probably worth it to the men who continue to think these antiquated thoughts. After choosing a mate the “man of the house” expects that his partner’s “wifely duty” will be done as compensation for his hard work – this absurd bit of misogyny seemed to hit its apotheosis in the middle of the 20th century. Oh, 1950s – you were just the best.

This model of sexual relations is grounded in the idea that women have no sexual desire, let alone sexual agency. Forget about love, romance, or sex – this worldview says all women are seeking is a good provider. That this outmoded concept (how it was ever “moded” I have no idea) still propels so many men – and women – into marriage is unthinkable, especially to those of us who have heard of feminism.

The first husband’s sex spreadsheet begat another wife’s sex spreadsheet. Equality! (These two are not married to each other, just to be clear.)

What this sex spreadsheet-making is really doing is telling us that a lot of people have crappy sex lives and that they resent it enough to make it public. I don’t know how their sex lives got to be that way, but I can take a stab at why the womenfolk are unsatisfied.

Women aren’t taught to value sex – we hear so often that we’re biologically primed to value romance and companionship over carnal desire that we eventually believe this defines who we are. Evolutionary psychology continues to attempt to use “science” to prove that men want the sex and women want the money. Except they’re taking somewhat recently established cultural norms, ones that have clear historical trajectories, and trying to prove that our paleo ancestors must’ve felt the same way. Instead of parsing the history, they’re looking at the “Real Housewives” and reducing it to, “Me cave man, you woman.” And it ever was thus. Except it wasn’t.

More and more science is showing that, in fact, women’s sexual desire has deeper wells than men’s does. The old trope about men wanting/needing sex more than women is proving to be patently false. (I’ve often recommended Daniel Bergner’s “What Do Women Want” as a primer in this arena — if you’ve ever wondered about your own libido, or are just curious about the myths and realities of women’s desires — the history of our sexual longing — give it a read.)

So if there is indeed a an epidemic of women having classic headaches, feeling exhausted, or “sweaty and gross” to quote the original sex spreadsheet lady, and so on, what’s the deal?

Perhaps they never really wanted their husbands in the first place, but married them anyway. I think this is a lot more widespread than we ever considered. Because women are constantly told not just that their desire doesn’t matter, but that their libidos are weaker than men’s, why would they put sexual satisfaction high on their must-have list for marriage?

Also, WOMEN TRULY ARE EXHAUSTED. That’s not an excuse. We’re working full-time, raising children, cleaning houses and trying to “have it all” even though I don’t believe that’s really a thing because the wrong people are defining what “all” is. But that’s for another column.

Some women learn that it’s ok to have lots of sex in college, before marriage, but you “put those things away” once you settle down, thus settling for the good, unsexy guy. This, I guess, is supposed to be one step up from not being allowed to have sex at all, except for procreation. (There is a shockingly huge number of people that believe pleasure is a sin.)

I have nothing against good guys — long may they reign — but I do wonder if women are shutting down their natural libidos and “settling” in order to what — not be spinsters? Get the babies done? It all boils down to one thing — sexual needs are being met last. This doesn’t mean that you should spend your life chasing after bad boys — it just means you might want to consider seeking partners that meet ALL your needs. Why continue dating someone that doesn’t turn you on, with whom you have no chemistry — simply because he’s kind and seems to love you? Or that you get along really well? These are nice, important things — but check in with yourself to see if you’re devaluing your sexual needs because you think you need something else more.

Maybe you didn’t settle (or don’t plan to) but your partner isn’t trying as hard as he once did to please you. Maybe it was really hot at the beginning simply because the chemistry was off the hook — but now you need more and he’s not asking you what you need. Maybe you have secret fantasies that you’ve been too shy to share. Communication is the key to all of the above.

One final note on monogamy. I believe it’s not really possible long-term, despite every rom-com you’ve ever seen. If you’re two, three, five or seven years into a relationship and you’re feeling the itch — YOU ARE NORMAL. One way to deal with this is to tell your partner you have a headache, and live a life of quiet resignation, devoid of pleasure.

Another way is to be honest at the outset — with yourself and with your partner. Even the hottest, craziest sexual attraction can eventually wane — you have to be prepared to feel differently a few years down the road, without serving your partner a spreadsheet.

Join Stefanie on a journey to the authentic heart of your sexual self with Project 40: Sadism, Masochism, Sexuality & Shadow, an online 40-day tour through the heart of your psyche via intensive journaling, ritual, and guided daily emails. 

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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The post The Sex Spreadsheet, Untangled: Can You ‘Owe’ Someone Sex? Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnDo men obsess about their penis size because women made it that way? Not so much.

Penis size is a prickly issue (pun most definitely intended and I’ll just go ahead and apologize in advance for the rest of them right now.)

If you Google the phrase “penis size” you’ll get an inordinate amount of hits. We all know the Internet is fueled by porn and cats, but I’m starting to think that penis size queries are a close third. Men are worried about this – very, very worried. And don’t forget that the penis pill and pump industry relies on the rampant insecurity of penised-persons.

A recent study claims that for one-night stands, women prefer bigger penises. The interesting bit about this particular study (based on only 41 women, so certainly not comprehensive) was that the women were more interested in girth, not length. This study was novel in that it used penis models made from a 3-D printer (really). Most other studies about penis size preference have relied on images or surveys with vague language like “small”, “medium”, and “large” – not the handling of mock phalluses. To tell the truth, you’ve got to get your hands on them.

Sexuality studies are important, and we need more of them. However, the media often distorts the material, disseminating the information in a titillating manner that does a disservice to all of us. Making sexuality studies into clickbait may increase advertising dollars, but it doesn’t give us much clarity about the questions that plague us – with the most important one – “Am I desirable?” – at the top of the list.

A man’s member plays a huge (ahem) role in his self-esteem and overall body image, and if he believes that it does not measure up, it can open the floodgates to self-flagellation. And if he does indeed have what he believes women want, this same imaginary man might be a bit more cocky than he deserves to be. (I told you I’d be unapologetic about the puns.)

The thing is, both men and women overestimate and underestimate penis size, depending on the situation. For instance, in the study in question, women were asked to fill out a ten-minute survey after handling the fake penises. After taking the survey, they tended to overestimate the size of the “penis” they’d handled.

Penis size varies with ethnicity, height, and a variety of other factors. It’s a genetic lottery – so obsessing about it doesn’t do anyone any service. If men were more focused on providing pleasure to their partners via other means that just penetration, perhaps this would be less of an issue. Many men seem to have missed the memo — most women orgasm via clitoral stimulation, which is rarely achieved through the old in-out method. If your man’s penis isn’t bringing you to orgasm, it’s not about its length or girth, most likely — it’s that your dude is lazy and/or doesn’t understand how your body works — teach him!

Masculinity, as I recently discussed, is deep in crisis. If we could get our boys and men to stop measuring their members, we might be able to fix some of what’s broken in our culture — or at least start. I know this is a cliche, but I believe that we’d spend less money on the defense budget if we could get dudes to put away the ruler.

Millions of men continue to feel inadequate about something that they shouldn’t even be focused on, if pleasure is the first prerogative. The hands and mouth can provide a lot more bang for their buck than the penis, if one cares to learn to use them the right way. Don’t forget that there’s a new “right way” with every woman – not everyone wants their partner to mouth the alphabet with their tongue – asking questions and listening to your lover’s requests is far more important than the size and shape of any body part.

Tell all the men: Every vagina is shaped differently, and can accommodate a different sized penis. One woman’s “size queen” status is another woman’s “It’s not the size of the ship, it’s the motion of the ocean.”

I like to tell the story of “Goldilocks and the Three Penises.” (Names of penis-owners will remain anonymous.) When I met my first penis, I said to myself (definitely not to the boy attached to the penis) “Well, this penis is way too small.” When I came upon another penis some time later, I said, perhaps out loud, “My oh my, this penis is way too large!” But then, lucky me, I came upon the perfect penis, and that, my friends, is the one that I lost my virginity to (and dated for seven years). It was just right – for me.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

Related on EcoSalon

Being Good in Bed and the Ins and Outs of Sexual Technique

Orgasmic Meditation and Pleasure as Practice: Part II

Increase Sexual Pleasure: The Sensuality of Your A-Spot

The post What Women Want in Penis Size is Just the Tip (of the Iceberg): Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnWe’re in the midst of major teachable moment, thanks to the sheer awfulness of the recent Isla Vista event and #YesAllWomen, the viral hashtag that followed in its wake. Toxic masculinity is finally getting the analysis it deserves – but what does it mean for your love and sex life?

Let me start by saying that although this column is in part about finding compassion for the experience of men and boys, it’s not in any way excusing harassment and violence (both online and off).

Work must be done, legislatively and otherwise, to completely alter the landscape of male privilege — we must end all affronts to women’s bodies. Yet I want us to take this conversation to the next level – which is to say a deeper level. Let’s unpack what toxic masculinity means for your love and sex life.

Several men I know have recently teased me about how often I refer to patriarchy in this column – “What’s the question? I don’t know, but according to Stefanie, the answer is definitely patriarchy.” I don’t bristle at the criticism because I realize that I’ve mostly spoken about the way patriarchy, that all-pervasive personal/political bedrock philosophy of most of recorded history – affects women. But our boyfriends, our husbands, our fathers, brothers, cousins, sons and co-workers – patriarchy hurts them too. Not to mention the dudes and bros – the most entitled and unconscious first-world men.

An easy way to get inside of the raw angst of so many women in the wake of not just Isla Vista, but a growing global rape culture, rampant misogyny, the PUA and men’s rights movements, and unprecedented online harassment of any woman who dares label herself a feminist, is via this disturbing Margaret Atwood quote:

Men fear being laughed at by women. Women fear being killed by men.

Pretty much sums it up, doesn’t it? Sixty-four percent of women who are murdered are killed by a current or past intimate partner. When men are murdered, it’s usually by strangers. Why are women so afraid of being killed by men, particularly men that they are/have been intimate with? A chilling quote from Elliot Rodger’s manifesto hints at it:

Girls gave their affection, and sex, and love, to other men but never to me.

The operative word here is “gave.” Although this is the rant of a mentally ill sociopath, it’s also the underpinning of many of our assumptions about heterosexual relationships and about male “ownership” of female bodies. Even the healthiest of us are socialized to believe that women’s bodies are not truly their own. In this way, Rodger’s belief system is part of a continuum — he just took it to its most deadly extreme.

In this model of sexuality – let’s call it the “Don’t give the milk away for free” model – women possess a commodity that men need. Sex between consenting adults, whether it’s a casual hookup or sex within the confines of a traditional marriage, is best when it’s not transactional. Unless the transaction is agreed upon at the outset – most often with a sex worker. (Not that that there’s anything wrong with that!)

The deeply ingrained idea that men always want sex more than women want sex is part of the problem. We are objects, not subjects. We are cast in a role, not directing. It instantly objectifies us before anyone has been exposed to a perfume ad of a photoshopped woman’s torso. This myth of women holding their sex for ransom is older than Eve. Scientific data continues to reveal the true breadth of women’s desire, the fact that women get sexually bored faster than men do, and that our libidos and need for novelty are far more intense than we’ve ever acknowledged. Our capacity for pleasure is still a secret to most of us.

Women are not merchandise in the marketplace of sex – we are sexual beings with agency. We have desires. We teach our girls that only boys have needs, and that as girls, it is their duty to fulfill them. We don’t give girls the chance to chart the map of their own desire. And what of the boys?

We pathologize sex and yet teach boys that they’re supposed to be sexual aggressors. We tell them that they will want girls more than girls want them. We tell them that this wanting will rule them, that if they don’t feel it all the time, there is something wrong with them. We tell them that their desire is not just ever-present, but that’s it’s a dangerous threat. (This is the ethos behind the veil in Middle Eastern countries – women are such tempting, delicious treats that men cannot control themselves – so they must literally be hidden from view.)

Having your emotions shut down when you’re a young male child, being taught that crying is “gay” or that compassion makes you a “fag” – that kind of early patterning can cause some serious damage. It’s bad enough when a person’s actual sexual orientation is in the crosshairs of bullying, but even for young boys who will be straight men – being taught not to feel can do long-term damage. Stop for a moment and think about what may have happened to the men in your life when they first understood that sensitivity was for suckers.

Think about your boyfriend, your exes, your father, your brother, your male co-workers – all the cis-gendered, heterosexual men in your life. How many times have you seen one of them cry? With Father’s Day coming up next week, it’s a really opportune moment for us to examine the deeper implications of masculinity not just in our culture, but in one-to-one interactions with the men we know.

If you are a woman who dates and sleeps with men – examining your own assumptions about masculinity can help you transform your relationships. Start by looking at any gross generalizations that you have about the men in your life, and then work backwards – why do you feel that way?

I’ll get us started – mine has often been: “Men are 12.” I throw this one around casually, based on how excited one of my exes still gets about GI Joe at the age of 42, and how my father still likes to play video games. I often say this without necessarily examining the deeper implications of boyhood/manhood, and what it means to “be a man”.

What does it mean to be wounded but to have to cover up that wound so that no one ever sees it? The shame women feel about their bodies, about being not beautiful enough, is perhaps equivalent to the shame men feel about being perceived as weak.

What does it mean to always have to be dominant, aggressive, always the initiator? Not just in bars, where an old-fashion dating dance still seems to rule the roost – the men approach, the women decide. We sometimes choose to break through these boundaries and are called rebels for it – but what if we could move closer to overall equanimity here?

We want our men to understand why we are feminists, and why they should want to be feminists too. But the learning curve is steep, the reverse socialization fraught with psychological landmines. Boys are made to feel that being sexually predatory is not just required, but that they aren’t “real men” if can’t “get” girls.

What if we began to shift this language in our pop culture? We still talk about how our rom-coms are best when the guy “gets the girl” in the end. If girls are taught that they are not objects on the sales rack of sexuality, and boys are taught they are not consumers in this toxic marketplace, we’ll start to wring some toxicity from our relationships, our sex lives, and the culture at large. And it all begins with you.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

Related on EcoSalon:

The Art of Receiving: Do You Deserve Pleasure?

The Madonna-Whore Complex in Depth: Virgins, Whores, and You

How To Start Your Own Personal Sexual Revolution

The post Toxic Masculinity and Your Sex Life: How Do They Relate? Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnExercising healthy communication skills can be quite a challenge when it comes to your sex life – both in established relationships and casual flings. Even your one-night-stands can stand a bit of straight talk. How do you say what you mean and get what you want every time?

We don’t like to talk about sex because we’re taught that love is magic, and why would you want to ruin a perfectly good fairy tale by dissecting it? Even when your sex doesn’t come with a heaping side order of romance, talking about it is still confusing and laden with emotional triggers.

Love and sex — separate entities — are so tied together in our consciousness that it can feel impossible to parse what belongs where. Our self-esteem is inextricably linked to the idea of being “wanted” – not being up-voted in bed can leave you feeling like a failure. But if you talk about it – before, during and after the act – you can change almost everything about your sex life.

We’re supposed to instantly understand our lover’s quirks, their body’s secret needs, their unspoken fantasies. Women are taught that we’re meant to just show up and perform – especially because most of us are playing out the Madonna-Whore complex in all our waking moments. In bed we are in the role of the whore – who is always a sexual genius.

Women are culturally conditioned not to speak up at all. Especially in heterosexual partnerships, many of our relationship conflicts are born out of a tendency to only use non-verbal signals to express our anger. We hope/expect our male partners to just get it, and when they don’t read our minds, we get even angrier. I suspect that it’s because we’re afraid of being labeled as nags that we begin to keep our complaints to ourselves – in and out of bed.

Have you ever suffered through painful sex (not the good kind) just because you didn’t want to tell your partner to shift positions? Or let someone go down on you in a way that was just so very wrong – but you didn’t want to hurt their feelings? Have you endured weeks or months or years of boring or just plain bad sex because there was something about the relationship – comfort, even financial security – that kept you there? You deserve better – but you have to be willing to ask for it.

I believe all women should have one-night-stands at least five to ten times (or more) in their lives. The reason is simple – in a one-night-stand you have nothing to lose emotionally. You can say, “Shift to the right.” “I like it when you x, y, z.” “I want to stop now, please.” “This is how I get off.” “Use this toy.” “Thanks for the orgasm! Now you can leave.”

We’ve been hearing so much about hookup culture on campus in recent years, and from what everyone’s saying, it seems like women’s pleasure isn’t much of a priority. But in one-night-stands, you can learn to improve communication skills and speak up about what you want and what you don’t want without having to worry about what it means for the rest of your days. Consider it the Rosetta Stone for your future love/sex life. This is you practicing before your trip to Italy, so you can flawlessly order yourself a gorgeous meal of pasta and vino when you arrive. Practice is vital — whether you visit for two weeks or fall madly in love and stay forever.

But say you’re in a long-term relationship – one of those unicorn situations in which you and your partner had perfect chemistry and nothing needed to be explained. Now you’re two or five-years in and the passion seems gone, for good. Because you once had the magic, it might be even harder to discuss why it’s not instantly available anymore. In situations like this, each partner tends to back away into their own quiet, sullen corner. The only way to break the silence is to get brave and broach it.

Sure, you’re probably afraid that your partner isn’t attracted to you anymore – but guess what? He/she may be thinking the exact same thing. And another thing – it’s normal for attraction to wane over the course of years – even more so for women than for men. We’ve been taught the opposite – that men will always get bored first, and thus stray first. It’s a load of bunk, like so many other sexual myths we’ve been fed.

If you’re addressing a problem – telling your partner that something they do doesn’t feel right – it’s normal to feel a hint of concern. But what goes unspoken is almost always worse than the words themselves. Talk it out, get feedback, and listen without being reactive.

Talking is not unsexy. A frank conversation about sex doesn’t have to feel as awkward as your nerdy teacher putting a condom on a banana in health class. Even if you’re not usually verbal while in the act, talking about sex out of bed can encourage you to speak up while naked – which can make sex a whole lot hotter.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie@ecosalon.com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

Related on EcoSalon

How To Start Your Own Personal Sexual Revolution

Your Body Image in Bed

The Real Reason Female Sexuality Has Been Repressed For Millennia

 Image: Faith K Lefever

The post Improve Your Communication Skills and Save Your Sex Life: Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnAre you getting in the way of your own pleasure?

Men often take pleasure for granted. Boys are taught that masturbation is an important, healthy part of puberty. They may hide in the bathroom, but society generally accepts that “boys will be boys.” For girls, self-pleasure is still a big no-no — a cause for shame and titillation. Think of our nicknames for masturbation — jacking off is the most common, for which there was no equivalent until “Jilling off” until was added to the lexicon about 10 years ago. There’s still a “good girls don’t” myth making the rounds when it comes to self-pleasure.

The vast majority of straight porn scenes center on a woman providing pleasure for a man. (Note: the women in those scenes look like they’re getting an equal amount of pleasure, though they’re not actually being pleasured. The message is that women get enough out of giving — so maybe they don’t need to get theirs too). For the purposes of this post, let’s focus on what goes on between men and women in bed– and more importantly, in women’s minds.

Think about your last relationship, or your last casual affair — even your last one-night stand. Was it a given that your partner would have an orgasm? Unless you’re practicing tantra, it’s pretty much established practice that the man will get off. But not necessarily so for the woman.

The theory is that women’s orgasms are rare, like unicorns, so men should be proud when they’re able to provide them. Women sometimes fake orgasms because they want the proceedings to finish up, but even more often, because a man’s ego is at stake. Have you ever been in a situation in which you were more worried about your partner’s feelings than your own pleasure? Once again, the established narrative is about how the dude feels — not you. See where I’m going with this?

This isn’t about men being selfish in bed. There are enough enlightened, generous men out there who’d be happy to service you, all night long if that’s what you want. There’s practically an industry devoted to men trying to understand the perceived complexities of women’s bodies. Whether your guy genuinely wants you to have pleasure, because he wants you to be happy, or he’s a “bro” that wants to put a notch on his bedpost — many men are willing to do the work.

But the question is this — are YOU open to receiving the benefits of those labors? That’s what it comes down to, no matter who your partner is. (Here’s hoping he’s not that proverbial “bro”.) We’ve talked about how body image issues come to bed with us, and how detrimental they can be. Equally important is how much you believe you deserve pleasure. Here are some important questions to ask yourself:

• Do you feel comfortable asking for what you want in bed?
• Do you feel comfortable initiating sex?
• Do you feel relaxed in bed?
• Do you think about how your body looks, if you’re “doing it right”, or wonder whether or not your partner is having a good time?

If you answered no to the first three questions, but a definite yes to the third, you’re not allowing yourself pleasure — you’re cutting it off at the pass, and probably having sex for the wrong reasons.

Next time you find yourself between the sheets, start with your breath. Just like in meditation and yoga, this can be an excellent anchor for coming back to the present moment, relaxing and allowing yourself to connect to how your body feels. But don’t be a fascist about it — if you trail away from awareness of breath — you’re not doing it wrong. Just gently go back to breathing long and deep.

Another way to address this issue is to simply close your eyes, and get lost in fantasy. Those who don’t feel deserving of pleasure often have trouble allowing themselves to fantasize — but it’s worth trying. It should be said that this can all be linked to more serious issues — a history of sexual abuse or deeper problems with self-esteem. But commonly, it’s just the result of living in a world where women are only now learning how to let themselves enjoy their own bodies, bit by bit. After all, for most of recorded history we were considered property. Contemporary culture — art, fashion, music, movies and TV — they’re still figuring out how feminism works. But you can take the cause into your own hands (literally!) and insist that pleasure be a part of your life — every single day.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie@ecosalon.com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

Related on EcoSalon:

Slow Sex: Spring is for Shedding (Layers and Baggage)

Part 1: Monogamy is a Patriarchal Myth (& Other Things Your Parents Probably Never Taught You)

Image: Crysco Photography

The post The Art of Receiving – Do You Deserve Pleasure?: Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnYou meditate, practice yoga, eat organic quinoa, sip green juice and even shop sustainably. But there’s one more thing that you can (and you should, you really should) do regularly, one that’s more fun than all of the above: have an orgasm. When is the last time you had one?

Recent studies show that an orgasm a day can truly keep the doctor away. From pain relief to cardiac protection, the almighty orgasm is your new vitamin C – let’s call it vitamin O.

Here are just a few of the benefits of regular orgasms:

• Increases pelvic floor strength. (I’ll take that over a Pilates mat class, thank you very much.)
• Prevents cervical infections and helps relieve urinary tract infections.
• Helps combat insomnia by releasing dopamine and oxytocin.
• Increases cardiovascular health.
• Cure for menstrual pain, again, thanks to oxytocin.
• Burns up to 100 calories.
• The ultimate stress-reliever.

Here’s what Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, a Stanford-trained neuroscientist, says about the power of orgasm:

“Orgasm is a naturally powerful physiological process. In orgasm, essentially all systems of the brain are highly activated, including the insula, amygdala, and somatosensory cortex. The limbic system, a full one-third of the brain that feels visceral sensation seems to facilitate human connection – reading faces, interpreting tone of voice, picking up non-verbal cues – it also becomes activated… As the entire nervous system, from brain to peripheral nerves becomes activated, the parasympathetic and sympathetic divisions of the nervous system are simultaneously activated. Through orgasm, you can feel “gut responses” at a deep, physiological level.”

But, you’re saying to yourself, I haven’t been able to have an orgasm during sex with my new (or old) partner. Or, wait a second – I’m totally single right now. Yes, it’s true that having an orgasm during vaginal penetration or other forms of partnered sex isn’t possible for all women (we’ll work on this perfectly normal, common issue in a future column). Your relationship status doesn’t mean you can’t have regular orgasms, dear. You have hands, don’t you? You may even have a sex toy in your night table drawer (vibrators, incidentally, will also be covered soon in this space). Everyone jumps to the conclusion that sex requires someone else in the room, but all a good session requires is a stimulating tool and your own imagination. Solo sex is still sex, and it can be great sex, according to the legendary Betty Dodson, author of Sex For One: The Joy of Self Loving.

Yet knowing that orgasms are the ticket to good health shouldn’t be a source of stress (to be checked off next to “buy goji berries” on your to-do list). They’re more like a nice hot bath, a glass of Pinot, or a handful of dark, luscious chocolate. All of these health-boosting activities are the sort of thing you look forward to all day, especially when busy with other, much less lovely tasks. That said, if having an orgasm every single day feels like too much to start, why not aim for one a week?

We’ve just scratched the surface of physiological benefits of orgasm here. But just like exercise, even if you have to make yourself do it at first, masturbating regularly can improve your self-worth over time. Much of sex, and masturbation in particular, carries a patina a shame, even if it’s deeply buried in your subconscious. So for now, if you must, tell yourself you need to have an orgasm, just because it’s easier than Pilates. But down the line, your overall sexual health, in partnered sex, is bound to improve. Claim your pleasure, and join the Sexual Revolution 2.0 – because it’s happening whether or not you choose to participate.

Whether or not you’re currently involved, and hell – if your lover is sleeping next to you, but you didn’t receive an orgasm from him or her tonight – go get your own, girl. It’s in your own hands.

Speaking of the power of orgasm, check this out:

THE ORGASM EXPERIENCE: ONETASTE PRESENTS LARGEST CONFERENCE ON FEMALE ORGASM: AUGUST 2013 IN SAN FRANCISCO

On August 9^th,10^th, and 11^th one-thousand orgasm enthusiasts from all over the world will come together at the Regency Center in San Francisco to learn about, discuss, and discover the medical benefits of female orgasm. In particular, presenting medical doctors, authors, and conference participants will focus on a fifteen minute ‘practice’ that is rapidly gaining popularity in the US and abroad named ‘Orgasmic Meditation’ or ‘OM.’ Orgasmic Meditation (OM) has been featured in media outlets such as Cosmopolitan, the New York Times, Playboy and South By South West. http://thetimefororgasm.us/

Related on EcoSalon:

What Women Want Matters, A lot: Welcome to the Sexual Revolution 2.0

For 2012, Pleasure is the Revolution We’ve Been Waiting For

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

Image: lotus carroll

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