Here’s how to decide if getting back together is the right thing to do… or you know, not.

Forgiving your guy for doing something stupid (or ahem, someone) is a tricky beast. If you do forgive him, you feel like a Stepford wife. If you don’t forgive him, you feel like a “Kill Bill” installment. You have to make a choice between what feels like a worse decision, and an even worse decision.

How do you know whether to forgive him or forget him? Here are 6 factors to consider as you make your decision:

1. He fessed up

If you didn’t hear about his mistakes from someone else, this is a very good sign. Guys almost always attempt to keep things like this a secret, so if he’s upset enough to spill, it shows he respects your feelings and values your relationship enough to set the record straight.

2. Your relationship

Look at your relationship as a whole: Are you happy more than you’re unhappy? Are his screw-ups few and far between? Is he genuinely sorry, or just trying to alleviate his own guilt? (You’ll be able to tell the difference, trust.) If you’ve answered yes across the board, then the option of getting back together may be a serious contender.

3. Why it happened

The context of why the faux pas happened is just as important as the happening thing. How was your relationship at the time? What were you two going through? Even though your bond hitting a rough patch is no excuse for him hurting you, most of us do stupid things when we’re feeling low. Re-establishing your expectations of each other can go a long way in clarifying things between the two of you—even if you decide getting back together isn’t on tap.

4. The aftermath

Your forgiveness and trust is a luxury he has to earn. Pay close attention to how he behaves after his screw-up. If he’s putting in extra effort to prove your importance to him, then it shows he’s genuinely sorry (especially since guys tend to suck with the whole words thing).

5. The shoe on the other foot

At some point down the road, you’re going to mess up too. (It’s hard to believe, I know.) Put yourself in his position: If you acted how he did, would you expect him to work things out? If your answer is yes, then there’s a good chance there’s something left worth salvaging.

6. Your future

Forgiveness doesn’t make you weak, and getting back together doesn’t make you a doormat. That being said, there’s a big difference between saying you forgive someone and actually doing it. If you can honestly let go (or at least accept) what he’s done and not judge future him on past him, then a second chance may be in the cards. If you’re on the fence, don’t even think about getting back together until you decide which side you fall on.

What are your ultimate dealbreakers for getting back together?

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Image: Couple holding hands photo via Shutterstock

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If you want to learn how to save a relationship before it turns into a “Blue Valentine” sequel – well, read on.

Once upon a time, you fell in love with your sig-o – and now your relationship’s turning to crap faster than you can say spinster. You’re not even sure where it started to unravel (seriously, where’s a fairy godmother when you need one?). Maybe it was the night you had to cancel your movie plans because of work. Or maybe it was when you stopped pretending to like his sister. Or maybe your priorities are changing and you haven’t admitted it to yourself.

Or maybe there wasn’t a specific moment when your relationship started swirling down the drain: Maybe nothing happened and that’s the problem. Regardless of where the funk with your sig-o started – where do you go from here?

1. Be honest with yourself
Before learning how to save a relationship, you have to go with your gut and decide: Is it worth saving? It’s not a question anyone can answer except you, and it’s not a decision you can be wishy washy about. Make sure saving the relationship is exactly what you want before forging ahead – deep down, you already know the answer.

2. Promise to let go
It’s tough to let go of what drove your relationship into a ditch, and it’s completely natural to want to protect yourself – but if you’re letting your insecurities run the show and forcing change instead of letting the process happen organically, you’re just going to drive a bigger wedge between the two of you.

3. Take note of your triggers
Become aware of the things he does (or doesn’t do) that set you off – are you really angry with him, or are his actions triggering you to feel angry with yourself? For example, do you think he’s a jerk for going out with his friends too much, or do you really think you’re the jerk for neglecting your own friendships?

4. Accept your sig-o for exactly who he is
How he chooses to live his life isn’t right or wrong – it’s just different. And aren’t your differences what drew you together in the first place? Work out ways to use each other’s differences to the advantage of your relationship instead of making them a point of contention. You connected for a reason, and those reasons are still there – they’re just underneath a giant pile of rubble (or maybe laundry).

5. Make your relationship a priority
Regardless of how busy you get, make your relationship a focal point. Do things you used to do when you first started dating. Contact each other throughout the day. Plan date nights. Your lives were just as busy when you first got together and you made it work then – so make it work now using the same strategies.

6. Remember, it’s a two-way street
Even if you’re on the same page about how to save a relationship, the only actions you’re responsible for are your own. If he doesn’t keep up his end of the bargain – well, that’s his loss. If it seems like he’s barely putting in an effort while you’re doing everything you can to make it work, it might be time to reevaluate.

What’s the best advice you’ve been given about how to save a relationship?

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