ColumnWhy do women cheat? A recent study has found – prepare to be SHOCKED – that they cheat because they’re horny.

The fact that we needed a study to uncover this deep, dark mystery is the real problem here – not the fact that women are sometimes compelled to cheat. We live in a world that still – in 2014, for god sake’s – is shaken when women admit that they need sexual release.

Why do women cheat? For the same reasons men do. Yet the Internet, upon discovering this study, was shocked to find that women are not sitting around all day, waiting for our prince to deliver us from our idle housewife lives, untie our corsets so that he can have his way with us. But we won’t enjoy it!!!! No, not unless he wants us to appear as if we do, because it turns him on. (And feminism never existed, either.)

It’s fun to laugh at the Internet’s penchant for getting its panties in a twist over things that we should all know by now, yet these antiquated notions about women’s sexuality persist and persist and persist.

The study in question, even though it hints at an obvious truth, is problematic in the ways these studies of sexuality tend to be. It employs a small sample size and was led by a scientist who works for AshleyMadison.com – a website that caters to people in relationships looking for extramarital affairs. Oh, and the participants were actual women using this “cheating site” – those already looking for a fling. (As an aside, next time you date online, unless you’re cool with having your personal life, emails to potential lovers, and other information mined for studies, I suggest you carefully read the terms of service before you click “accept.”)

I’m bothered that we’re even searching for an answer to the question “why do women cheat?” — have we asked this question about men? No, we just assume, as we’re socialized to do, that they are led by their penises and cheat because they want sex. The thing about this study that seemed to surprise those analyzing the data was that women didn’t want to leave their marriages – they just wanted some damn good sex. They wanted to preserve their partnerships for whatever reason – for companionship, children, financial reasons – but they did want sex elsewhere.

Our culture is not quite at grips with the fact that women’s sexuality is just as, if not more, primed for novelty than men’s. The women in this study were between 35 and 45. Because we’re so habituated to the myth of “til’ death do us part” when we sign up for marriage, it can come as a shock when after three, five, or seven years of monogamy – it’s no longer enough.

We’re taught that if we have love, we’ll never desire another man or woman’s body – and more than that, that sex isn’t as important as companionship, financial reliability, good parenting – all the other aspects of marriage. Sex is like icing – if we meet someone who’s offering us a cake made of all the proper ingredients of partnership, we can forego the sweetness we truly desire.

Number one, I say put the icing first when you’re dating. Because if you end up marrying someone who doesn’t make your toes tingle, you’ll miss it later on. That’s the first step – recognizing and honoring our authentic desires and sexual needs, straight from the start, and not settling for someone who’s merely meeting our practical needs. We have other needs, and they must not be kept in the shadows.

Two, when and if you do put a ring on it, know at the outset that even if you’re over-the-moon hot for your betrothed, you may not always be. Don’t be afraid to have that talk. You may not always be, and hey – he might not always be either.

If you’re at the stage where your partner is still getting most of marriage right, but you’re just not sexually attracted to him anymore, first – forgive yourself. You are normal – you are the many, not the few. Those of us who can stay attracted to a long-term partner for many years are rare creatures indeed. If you’re that woman, god bless you, and rock on. But if you’re most women, you may need someone else at some point – and you shouldn’t go through a major shame spiral if you feel it.

Women are socialized to believe that our sexuality is not our own — we learn to navigate other people’s desires before we recognize ours as real. Instead of waiting, and wanting to be wanted, women need to embrace our sexual needs earlier in life — not halfway into our marriages.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie@ecosalon.com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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ColumnA petulant husband recently emailed his wife a sex spreadsheet, detailing all the moments she’d rejected his sexual advances during the previous month. She posted it on Reddit, where her sexcuses quickly went viral. The Internet had a solid laugh.

Aside from the much-needed LOL we got from the sex spreadsheet story during a week of grueling, awful news, it brings up an important question – is it possible to owe your partner sexual satisfaction in the same way you owe payments on your student loan? In short, no. But it’s not always that simple.

When, if, how and why we have sex within our committed relationships is generally fraught with complexity and confusion. We’re understandably made more vulnerable when our advances are rebuffed – this is true for men and women, gay and straight people and everyone in-between. Every relationship and its attendant sexual rhythm is unique — yet some gender stereotypes still prevail.

In the old story, when heterosexual men signed up for marriage, they bought a virgin with an engagement ring. Put a ring on it and your wifey will put a ring on… well, you get my point.

Three months salary is probably worth it to the men who continue to think these antiquated thoughts. After choosing a mate the “man of the house” expects that his partner’s “wifely duty” will be done as compensation for his hard work – this absurd bit of misogyny seemed to hit its apotheosis in the middle of the 20th century. Oh, 1950s – you were just the best.

This model of sexual relations is grounded in the idea that women have no sexual desire, let alone sexual agency. Forget about love, romance, or sex – this worldview says all women are seeking is a good provider. That this outmoded concept (how it was ever “moded” I have no idea) still propels so many men – and women – into marriage is unthinkable, especially to those of us who have heard of feminism.

The first husband’s sex spreadsheet begat another wife’s sex spreadsheet. Equality! (These two are not married to each other, just to be clear.)

What this sex spreadsheet-making is really doing is telling us that a lot of people have crappy sex lives and that they resent it enough to make it public. I don’t know how their sex lives got to be that way, but I can take a stab at why the womenfolk are unsatisfied.

Women aren’t taught to value sex – we hear so often that we’re biologically primed to value romance and companionship over carnal desire that we eventually believe this defines who we are. Evolutionary psychology continues to attempt to use “science” to prove that men want the sex and women want the money. Except they’re taking somewhat recently established cultural norms, ones that have clear historical trajectories, and trying to prove that our paleo ancestors must’ve felt the same way. Instead of parsing the history, they’re looking at the “Real Housewives” and reducing it to, “Me cave man, you woman.” And it ever was thus. Except it wasn’t.

More and more science is showing that, in fact, women’s sexual desire has deeper wells than men’s does. The old trope about men wanting/needing sex more than women is proving to be patently false. (I’ve often recommended Daniel Bergner’s “What Do Women Want” as a primer in this arena — if you’ve ever wondered about your own libido, or are just curious about the myths and realities of women’s desires — the history of our sexual longing — give it a read.)

So if there is indeed a an epidemic of women having classic headaches, feeling exhausted, or “sweaty and gross” to quote the original sex spreadsheet lady, and so on, what’s the deal?

Perhaps they never really wanted their husbands in the first place, but married them anyway. I think this is a lot more widespread than we ever considered. Because women are constantly told not just that their desire doesn’t matter, but that their libidos are weaker than men’s, why would they put sexual satisfaction high on their must-have list for marriage?

Also, WOMEN TRULY ARE EXHAUSTED. That’s not an excuse. We’re working full-time, raising children, cleaning houses and trying to “have it all” even though I don’t believe that’s really a thing because the wrong people are defining what “all” is. But that’s for another column.

Some women learn that it’s ok to have lots of sex in college, before marriage, but you “put those things away” once you settle down, thus settling for the good, unsexy guy. This, I guess, is supposed to be one step up from not being allowed to have sex at all, except for procreation. (There is a shockingly huge number of people that believe pleasure is a sin.)

I have nothing against good guys — long may they reign — but I do wonder if women are shutting down their natural libidos and “settling” in order to what — not be spinsters? Get the babies done? It all boils down to one thing — sexual needs are being met last. This doesn’t mean that you should spend your life chasing after bad boys — it just means you might want to consider seeking partners that meet ALL your needs. Why continue dating someone that doesn’t turn you on, with whom you have no chemistry — simply because he’s kind and seems to love you? Or that you get along really well? These are nice, important things — but check in with yourself to see if you’re devaluing your sexual needs because you think you need something else more.

Maybe you didn’t settle (or don’t plan to) but your partner isn’t trying as hard as he once did to please you. Maybe it was really hot at the beginning simply because the chemistry was off the hook — but now you need more and he’s not asking you what you need. Maybe you have secret fantasies that you’ve been too shy to share. Communication is the key to all of the above.

One final note on monogamy. I believe it’s not really possible long-term, despite every rom-com you’ve ever seen. If you’re two, three, five or seven years into a relationship and you’re feeling the itch — YOU ARE NORMAL. One way to deal with this is to tell your partner you have a headache, and live a life of quiet resignation, devoid of pleasure.

Another way is to be honest at the outset — with yourself and with your partner. Even the hottest, craziest sexual attraction can eventually wane — you have to be prepared to feel differently a few years down the road, without serving your partner a spreadsheet.

Join Stefanie on a journey to the authentic heart of your sexual self with Project 40: Sadism, Masochism, Sexuality & Shadow, an online 40-day tour through the heart of your psyche via intensive journaling, ritual, and guided daily emails. 

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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What do you desire? Can you put it into words?

Despite feminism’s advances, to express desire as a woman is still an obscurely shameful act. To chase a man is desperate; to crave a pair of shoes is shallow. Even ambition in pursuit of an athletic achievement or a career goal is suspect most of the time. No one ever accuses male marathoners of neglecting their children, like some did to Paula Radcliffe. Did your latest promotion come at your husband’s expense? Or your dog’s?

That’s why it’s strangely cathartic to watch woman after woman name their desires, honestly and without judgment, take for example fresh-faced New York gallery owner Alix. “I get overwhelmed by the desire to have a dress, or a bag, or you know, even, like, a salad bowl,” says Alix, smiling sheepishly at the camera. “The dumbest stuff.”

Alix’s interview is one of a collection in Victoria Floethe’s The Desire Project. Floethe, a New York writer, started the series two years ago in an attempt to catalog all the ways that women want what they want. As we all know, desire can take many forms – from sexual desire, as described by consultant and public speaker Cindy Gallop, to novelist Sam Taylor’s desire for one particular vintage coat.

Personal trainer, stuntwoman and athlete Kym Perfetto articulates the need for something like The Desire Project perfectly in her interview: To express desire, even the simple desire to succeed, is seen as unfeminine. “From a female perspective,” Perfetto said, in reference to athletic competition, “you need the positive reinforcement to get yourself there. It seems very cocky and unladylike. It’s something you have to come to terms with, first, before you can say it out loud.”

The same applies to a lot of different aspects of a woman’s life. The field of female desire is strangely unexplored, even scientifically; most sexual scientific research has been done by men, on men. Floethe was partially inspired by an article by Daniel Bergner in the New York Times, which described the ways that female arousal differs fundamentally from male arousal. Even the most basic desire – what do we find sexy – is different for a woman than for a man.

“The idea was to create an environment, a place where people can be really expressive,” said Floethe. “I really liked the direct-to-video feeling of YouTube, but a lot of it is moronic. I wanted smart, funny women talking directly to the camera about desire. What else is there? Desire is life itself.”

Most of the women are filmed in front of a blank wall in Floethe’s apartment, their stories illustrated by nothing more than their vivid, and occasionally hilarious, descriptions. The format is conversational, not confrontational, but they relate some uncomfortable stories – not always sexual ones, but ones dealing with jealousy and competitiveness.

“At the beginning it started with friends,” said Floethe. “Then they recommended other women, and then scouting all the time. Whenever I went to a party and I met someone interesting, I asked them. There’s a really strong international feel to it…. it’s one of the most fun parts, imagining all the fantastic people you could call up and ask.”

Floethe airs one episode a month. For more information, check out her to submit your own desires, contact her through The Desire Project.

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