Why you might want to reconsider calling yourself a sapiosexual on your online dating profile.

Remember back in the day when someone decided labeling guys with hygiene as “metrosexual” was a good idea? Then came “lumbersexual” to describe men who don’t shave and wear flannel. (I wish I was joking.) And now, just when you start to think, “Hey, maybe we’re finally over labeling and categorizing each other,” we decide to invent the most pretentious label of all: “sapiosexual.”

According to Urban Dictionary, sapiosexual means “one who finds intelligence the most sexually attractive feature.” It also means high school isn’t over after all—you know, as much as you’ve tried blocking the ordeal from your memory. Not only has the term become an official sexual orientation on the uber-popular dating site OKCupid, but NPR recently reported it’s become one of the site’s trendiest new terms. (Still not joking.)

I hate to break your insanely pretentious bubble, but being a sapiosexual is total BS. Intelligent people aren’t going to get in touch with you for drinks, just the wannabes parading around as intelligent people. (Which, now that I think about it, might be a good thing. Excuse me while I ponder that in my well-stuffed armchair and smoking jacket.)

Let’s disregard the fact that “sapiosexual” isn’t a legit sexual orientation and instead focus on a fact so obvious it’s surrounded by a dozen flashing arrows: Intelligence is subjective. As a sapiosexual, you should know this already. For example, I’ve always been known as the “brainer” in my crew—the straight-A student and all that jazz. But life skills? Pffft, I just learned how to make scrambled eggs about two months ago, and when I socialize I turn into Chris Farley hosting The Chris Farley Show. We’re all intelligent in some ways, and completely hopeless in others. It’s called being human.

Not only do our opinions on intelligence vary, but so do our priorities: You might be looking for a guy who can quote Simone de Bouvoir, whereas all I’m after is a guy who can explain season two of “True Detective” to me. And at the end of the day, if his double-clicking your mouse results in your vagina falling asleep, the “sapio” part of the equation won’t save him.

Online dating is nerve-wracking enough without giving someone a mental illness as they wonder if they’re coming off “sapiosexual” enough for you. And not to be a downer or anything, but what if you’re not sapiosexual enough for them? (I know, I just blew your mind and now you’re in love with me.)

In using this label, you’re adding fuel to an already hypocritical fire: We’re constantly encouraging each other to be authentic, yet the second one of us starts coloring outside the lines, we find ways to label that person in a pathetic attempt to regain a sense of control that doesn’t exist.

Accept the fact that you have no idea what you’re looking for in a plus one. Accept the fact that none of us know what we’re doing in life. Accept the fact that we’re all full of shit (yes, including me). And accept the fact that the person you end up falling in love with is never the type you’d expect—and that if it weren’t true, you wouldn’t want to fall in love anyway.

How do you feel about the latest online dating buzzword du jour?

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Image: OKCupid

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A weekly look at sex and culture, by the numbers.

Number of sitting American presidents who currently support same-sex marriage: 1

250,000: Number of federal government employees who have completed an official survey that includes, for the first time, questions about sexual orientation and gender identity

55-0: Votes in favor of the Gender Identity bill in Argentina’s senate, recognizing sex-reassignment surgery and hormone therapy as a necessary part of health care

12%: Number of mothers between the ages of 18 and 35 who claimed to have checked their phones during sex

Average length of American engagements: 1 year and 2 months

Average cost of an American wedding: $27,021

“In the millions”: Alleged amount John Edwards’ aides considered selling his sex tape with Rielle Hunter for after the initial story broke

Image: Dave Newman

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