All the feels women have when they see a new penis.

When it comes to penises, what qualities are most important to a woman? Because the world would end as we know it without an answer to this question, researchers in Switzerland took one for the team and found out.

For the study, published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, a group of 105 women, ages 16 to 45, were asked to rate the importance of eight specific penile characteristics on a 5-point scale (1 being very unimportant, and 5 being very important).

The findings suggest women find overall cosmetic appearance to be most important, followed by pubic hair, penile skin, penile girth, shape of glans, length, scrotum appearance, and “position and shape of meatus” (urethra).

The study was small, so the results shouldn’t be taken as gospel, but it makes sense that grooming took the top spot, and girth beat out length (because who wants to feel like they’re having sex with a rope?). Basically, when trying to determine what makes for a perfect penis, researchers found there was “no single penile aspect that is essential.”

That’s because women care more about the man attached to the penis. And no matter what it looks like, there’s something about seeing a new penis that makes us turn into giggly teenagers. On the one hand, we’re about to have sex, so yay, and on the other, we have this natural urge to do a product review before sexy time commences.

Here are just some of the thoughts women have when they see a new penis:

1. “So… there it is.”

2. “Wait, let me get my binoculars…”

3. “It’s like it’s staring at me.”

4. “Is there a user’s manual for this thing?”

5. “If I act too eager, will I scare it away?”

6. “There’s no way it’ll fit in my mouth.”

7. “Ugh, balls.”

8. “Please let that be an ingrown hair.”

9. “Note to self: Add ‘manscaping’ to your gratitude journal.”

10. “Does it always curve like that?”

11. “It’s go time.”

How do you react when you see a new penis?

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What women want and what’s good for us are often two different things. Too often, men with these destructive habits make the cut when they should be out on the curb.

My friends and I used to chat endlessly about what women want and how infuriating it is that guys don’t have a clue. Looking back, I realized it was us without the clue. I was in this on-again off-again relationship with a guy I knew was also seeing someone else, my BFF was with this total slacker who was still living with his mom, and my other friend was clearly with her boyfriend because of his fancy car, ginormous house and his talent for picking up her (expensive) bar tab.

Does any of the above also describes yourself and your friends? There are times when what women want in a guy ends up vastly contradicted by who we’re ultimately attracted to, and I can’t figure it out. If guys came complete with a list of destructive habits on their lapel, we’d probably steer clear. But often what initially attracts us to a man will be the undoing of a relationship.

“I like a man to be a man, and I guess a lot of those qualities could (and do) fall under ‘destructive,'”says Forbes writer Larissa Faw. “There definitely has to be some edge.” It’s hard to know when to draw the line – you know, especially since we keep moving it. What women want and what we sometimes settle for are two totally different things. Not to pull a Bradshaw, but I can’t help but wonder: How much edge should one woman take?

Below are 9 of the most common destructive habits known to man (literally). How many have you fallen for?

The Playboy
He’s good-looking, flirty, charming – and he’s dated all of your friends. “He seems attractive to you because he’s ‘unavailable’ and always keeps you guessing,” says psychotherapist and relationship expert Kimberly Moffit, who warns his destructive habits will catch up with him eventually. “He won’t enjoy the satisfaction that a long-term relationship can give.”

The Workaholic
Employment is hot and so is he. He’s successful, popular, and those suits – sigh. “Yet, he won’t really have time for relationships or families in the way you’re probably hoping,” says relationship expert April Masini. In other words, work is his wife, and you’re kind of… well, the mistress.

The Big Spender
When it comes to what women want, financial security can be a red herring. Big spenders seem great on the outside, but are usually a lot less wealthy than they appear. I mean seriously, what are they trying to prove (or hide) with all that stuff? If your big spender’s not a big earner, just think: When you get married, you’ll inherit half his debt. Isn’t that adorable?

The Egomaniac
He’s gorgeous, but the problem is he knows it. Between fluffing his hair and checking his angles in every mirror he passes, it’s amazing he even knows what you look like. He’s even less likely to compliment you on it.

The Energizer Bunny
He’s the fast-driving, cliff-diving, plane-jumping risk-taker who has an annoying amount of energy. While this is attractive at first, as he gets older, his need for speed won’t ease up. “At the age of 50, this guy will still be trying to find his fun ‘fix,’” says Moffit. Not only will you never find a sense of stability with him, you’ll end up napping more than your cat.

The Control Freak
“He might seem manly and in charge, but if he’s checking your e-mails, voicemails and making you change your clothes because you didn’t wear what he picked out for you, buckle up,” says Masini, “This isn’t going to get better for you.”

The Jerk
You justify his douchey behavior because he’s been through a lot and doesn’t know any better. Plus, when he turns back into Dr. Jekyll he’s so sweet and you have the most amazing time together. Barf. “Rather than him being gushy with or rude to you all the time, the random positive attention keeps you interested in the relationship,” says Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., author of A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness.

The Commitment-Phobe
Paging Chandler Bing: “This guy’s perfectly fine with being in a ‘sorta’ relationship with you, but when it comes to doing anything suggesting a long-term commitment, he flies the coop,” says Moffit. The is one of the destructive habits women always like to think they’ll be able to change–though it’s rarely true. This guy always finds a way to bail on occasions like Valentine’s Day and family get-togethers – even Christmas. (So why is it you’re not the one running again?)

The Slacker
Once known as the high school pot head, he’ll one day be living in a van down by the river – until then, he’s living at home with his parents and working temp jobs to pay for the latest video games. “You like him because he’s laisse-faire and easy-going,” says Moffit, “But as a result has nothing to bring to a relationship, and chances are he never will.” Oy.

What women want: Are we looking for too much yet not asking for enough? Tell us in the comments.

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25 Dating Dealbreakers and How to Spot Them

Image: Pedro Ribeiro Simões

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ColumnDo you know what women want?

I’m just one woman, so I can truly only speak for myself. But the ancient question of what women want has obsessed us ever since Eve was cast out of the garden for being too libidinous, and too curious. Since that moment women’s sexuality has been feared, reviled, and made into the subject of epic poems. We have been called sirens, burned at the stake for our supposed witchery, and eventually trained to be  virginal, marriageable maidens. Apparently, we can’t win — we either want it too much or not enough.

Our sexuality was so repressed, so underground, that the very idea of women’s pleasure wasn’t even a thing for American and European men until the 20th century. Women were thought to be receptacles for sperm, baby-makers, and raisers of progeny only.

In the 19th century, tightly corseted and managed by our husband-owners, huge numbers of women were diagnosed with “hysteria” (which was also explored in a 2011 Maggie Gyllenhaal movie). This was what happened when a housebound woman, often a mother, exhibited what amounted to symptoms of chronic depression, brought on by the complete repression of her sexual urges.

Her doctor’s prescription was the release of a good orgasm — however it wasn’t called an orgasm, because remember, women didn’t experience pleasure — they called it a “paroxysm.” But still, it was progress: tacit acknowledgment, at least in doctor’s offices, that clitoral stimulation was healthy and necessary.

Doctors did this by hand for years, but then the vibrator was invented in 1880 (thank you, electricity!). Vibrators were advertised as “personal massagers” and women began buying them in droves, but once the word got out about what they were really used for, they went underground again, at least until the seventies (thank you feminism!). Such is the way with women’s pleasure — once our culture realizes that it’s unceasing and liberating, it’s quickly silenced by the Shame Industrial Complex.

In the past few years a number of books exploring what women want and specifically, women’s sexuality, have emerged. There was Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality, which set the whole concept of monogamy on its head in 2010, and then Naomi Wolf’s Vagina last year. I was already heady with excitement about a new sexual paradigm. A Sexual Revolution 2.0, so to speak. And then I got my review copy of Daniel Bergner’s What Do Women Want? Adventures in the Science of Female Desire in early June. I inhaled it in a matter of hours, while sitting by the pool. It’s one of the most important books I’ve read in years. I found myself nodding as I read, and even said “YES!” out loud, alarming the man on the lounge chair next to me.

Finally, scientific proof of what I’ve known in my body since I’ve known anything — that women are deep, endless wells of sexual desire. That it is not by any means what society tells us it is. That it is animalistic, and at times base. That it is not polite. That it is not always about receptivity. That relationships and intimacy are great, but they don’t always trump casual sex. That being with the same partner for years can get boring. That it’s okay to desire others. That it’s, in fact, biologically likely that one will want to stray.

All of these things, and more, are explained in this seminal text. From rat studies to masturbation studies, Bergner presents evidence that what many women want is essentially exactly the OPPOSITE of what we’ve been told it is. Female sexuality researchers are in these pages, and the great myths of evolutionary psychology are exploded, once and finally, for the utter bunk they’ve always been.

Women have been sold a bill of goods about what we want. It’s bad enough that our body image issues are so entrenched, and that little girls begin to develop them at earlier and earlier ages. (Seven-year-olds with anorexia exist.) It’s bad enough that our relationship to the clothes we wear, the makeup we use, the way we present ourselves in public is so fraught. Male gaze continues to suck. It has us so twisted and distorted that we have to spend our lifetimes righting it. But now that we have this other layer of evidence about what’s been taken from us, we can begin to put ourselves back together again.

Our culture still tells us that sexual women are sluts, witches and bitches. Our carnal nature isn’t getting us burned at the stake anymore, but it is getting us so thoroughly slut-shamed that we bury it. Women I know, even the smartest of the lot, are so confused about what they want that they don’t even give themselves a chance to figure it out. They marry (and stay married to) men they never desired in the first place. They think that the man they’re attracted to now is the man they’ll still be attracted to in ten, twenty years. They fully buy into the the idea that men cheat because they’re horny animals, and that long-suffering women always lose, because menopause will eventually kill our sex drives. That we’re on a slow sexual decline, while our male partners are always the ones with the wandering eyes — just because they’re built that way. Others buy into the directives of Mating In Captivity — that making “dates” with your long-term partner is the way to keep the spark alive. The science in “What Do Women Want?” suggests that the spark may remain elusive, no matter how hard we work at it.

Just a week ago, the New York Times ran a piece about the poor little coeds at the University of Pennsylvania, and how “hookup” culture was ruining their chances for marriage. There is still a stigma, even for millenials out there doing their thing, experimenting, and getting off.

I hope that the publication of this book will spur a conversation about what women REALLY want. This  may completely upend everything we know — our relationships, our expectations, our long-term plans.You need to start talking with your girlfriends, your lovers, your boyfriend, your husband. I’ve talked to some guys who are a bit threatened by the concept of women wanting sex as much as, or even more, than men. But hey, they’ll get over it.

Next on my reading list is UNMASTERED: A Book on Desire, Most Difficult To Tell by Katherine Angel. Won’t you join my book club, and together we can change the world?

Image: Dbrekke

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