Do you constantly worry about what people think? Do you leave parties or other social gatherings wondering if you said anything offensive or if those around you enjoyed your company? Do you feel defensive if someone criticizes you? These are all qualities of an approval addict.

Now, how would it feel if you just stopped worrying about what people thought? Can you imagine the weight that would lifted? It’s not about having an oversized ego, it’s about letting go. But it’s easier said than done. We’re social beings and for some of us, being an approval addict is strongly linked to how we view ourselves. Compliments from others feed this fire, making us feel a sort of high for the moment. Here’s how to stop being an approval addict:

1. Love yourself.

Establish a strong enough relationship with yourself so that you no longer have to seek that love from others. Cultivating self love is the first step in relaxing the need for approval.

2. You’re only a character in someone else’s story.

Someone else’s opinion of you is just a perception. They don’t understand what goes on inside your heart just like you don’t know what goes on inside their hearts. You’re seeking approval from someone based on how well you put up a front.

3. Notice when you’re worried about approval.

Some of us hide who we really are in an effort to seek approval. And when we don’t gain that approval we may lash out at the person who’s positive judgement we crave. Or we may find parts of that person to criticize. Or we may internalize the pain. It’s just about noticing when you’re seeking approval and releasing that need. Knowing is half the battle.

4. Surround yourself by less judgmental people.

If you’ve surrounded yourself by people who tend to criticize, you’re sure to be on the negative end of that criticism at some point. It’s just a matter of when. But surrounding yourself by a group of friends that’s less likely to judge and criticize makes it easier to avoid seeking approval.

5. Turn your energy toward others.

Obsessing about what other people think about you is actually a selfish proposition because you’re constantly absorbed in yourself. Turning your energy to others by volunteering and caring for your community can help lift some of that weight.

We all worry about what people think, it’s part of who we are as people. But those who seek approval less often tend to happier and more content. It’s about stepping back and noticing that at times we’re vulnerable. If we’re constantly worried about what people think, we’re less likely to show our authentic self, and in the end, the world is missing out on a treat. Take steps to release the burden of approval addiction and you’ll be a much happier person for it.

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Authentic Happiness Linked to DNA in Denmark

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We’ve long speculated about the key to finding authentic happiness.

Denmark, along with other Northern European nations offer a wide range of social services. There’s seemingly little internal conflict, trust in government, little separation between the rich and the poor–while these are potential motivators of authentic happiness, what if it was more than that? What if happiness also came down to Danish DNA?

Scientists have uncovered genetic traits that may hold a clue as to why the Danes are so smiley all the time. Each year polls and surveys alike name Denmark among the happiest nations. And after looking at international surveys from 131 countries,  researchers are suggesting that genetics may play a role.

“The results were surprising, we found that the greater a nation’s genetic distance from Denmark, the lower the reported wellbeing of that nation,” said Eugenio Proto, one of the researchers, in a news release, reported in World Science Report. “Our research adjusts for many other influences including Gross Domestic Product, culture, religion and the strength of the welfare state and geography.”

Researchers looked at studies that suggested a link between authentic happiness and a mutation of a gene that influences the reuptake of serotonin. Of 30 nations studied, Denmark and the Netherlands had the highest percentage of people with this variant gene.

“This study has used three kinds of evidence and, contrary to our own assumptions when we began the project, it seems there are reasons to believe that genetic patterns may help researchers to understand international well-being levels,” said Andrew Oswald, one of the researchers on World Science Report. “More research in the area is now needed and economists and social scientists may need to pay greater heed to the role of genetic variation across national populations.”

What do you think? Is there a happiness gene? And is that gene tied to location?

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How to be yourself without labels getting in the way.

Labels help us to define ourselves, make sense of our emotions, and connect with others – but on the flipside, they can hold us back from accomplishing some pretty amazing things. Some of us end up revolving our entire life around a specific label, when in fact we’re a cluster of smaller ones all rolled into one fabulous person.

Here are 4 reasons why letting go of labels will (ironically) help you to be yourself:

1. You’ll start living mindfully

Whether we realize it or not, we constantly try to define ourselves as a checklist of attributes. Meanwhile, our personalities evolve every second of every day – who we are one minute won’t be who we are the next. Letting go of who you think you are is the best way to be yourself: All of yourself, not just the parts you’ve labelled.

For example, I have social anxiety, but it’s only one aspect of who I am. If I were to constantly revolve my day around the label of being socially anxious I’d start holding myself back:

Friend: “Want to go for a drink?”
Me: “Can’t. I have to hyperventilate into a paper bag tonight.”

Okay, so the hyperventilating part’s true, but it doesn’t mean I can’t hyperventilate and grab a drink. Being socially anxious doesn’t mean never socializing, but doing so in my own way. Labels hold you back from spontaneity and the freedom to be whoever you feel like being in the moment.

2. You’ll start thinking for yourself

When you label yourself as part of a certain group, it’s gives you a warm-and-fuzzy sense of belonging. It’s hard not to thrive when you have amazing people in your life who really “get” you. But be careful you’re not using your clique as a shortcut for how to think and behave.

Do you dress the way you dress because it truly reflects who you are, or did you buy those boots because your friends love them? Do you listen to the music you do because you actually enjoy it, or are you really a closeted Engelbert Humperdinck aficionado? If there are aspects of yourself you find you’re hiding from your friends, then you’re not only letting labels run your life, but the wrong labels.

3. You’ll start accepting labels for what they are

I’m not saying in order to be yourself you have to ignore the fact that labels exist – they do, and they always will. It’s our brain’s way of categorizing the people we know, the experiences we have, and the emotions we feel. They’re also our way of connecting with each other on a deeper level: If you’ve deemed yourself a “shoe addict,” you can bet you’re the first one your friends are going to call on Black Friday.

And that’s okay. You don’t want to be limited by labels, but you also don’t want to be so anti-label that people can’t figure you out. It’s your job to guide them as to how you want them to “file” you in their lives. I’d rather have a label I created to help others better understand me than be mislabeled. They’ll always be there, so use them wisely – but don’t let them run your life.

4. You’ll stop limiting yourself

You or someone else may have given you a label you don’t want anything to do with – maybe because it reminds you of past mistakes you’ve made, or “flaws” you’re trying to coexist with. By not labeling yourself, you can flow freely from experience to experience, emotion to emotion, without being chained down to any one way of thinking. It’s so much easier to move on from a mistake when you don’t embed it into your DNA.

Stephen Fry said it best:

“We are not nouns, we are verbs. I am not a thing – an actor, a writer – I am a person who does things – I write, I act – and I never know what I’m going to do next. I think you can be imprisoned if you think of yourself as a noun.”

Don’t be. Do.

How do you deal with labels and their impact on your sense of self?

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Authentic happiness comes with good habits and it’s the simple things that can change your life. When life hits you with a set back, go right back to the good habits that brought you happiness and peace in the first place.

Finding happiness and bliss in this life can be difficult with all the distractions that are constantly pulling us off track. But a few simple tried and true methods can change your life.

1. Fake it until your make it.

If you want authentic happiness, act like it. While it seems counterintuitive, it makes sense. I want to be a positive person that sees the goodness in everybody even though sometimes I don’t feel that way. But feelings follow actions so if you act like you love everyone even when want to make a disparaging comment, you’ll feel much better for it. If you want to be peaceful, act like it and eventually, you’ll begin to find more peace and balance in your life.

2. Learn to single-task.

One of the most important good habits that you can have is understanding that multi-tasking is overrated. In the end, you just do a bunch of things ineffectively. If you focus on one task at a time, you’ll end up doing that task much better. I like to start my day with about five things that I absolutely have to get done. I won’t stop working until I’ve accomplished those tasks. I work through my list one at a time. Single-tasking also means that my mind doesn’t move off task at all–that means no Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, texting, or checking my bank account while I’m accomplishing a task. It allows for focus and mindfulness. In a sense, you’re meditating while you’re working.

3. Make every day a holiday.

This is your life so it seems a little depressing that you would only have two weekend days per week. Work is essential for most of us, but authentic happiness is about finding goodness in every day. Find focus and peace in what you’re working on and don’t get caught in a rut. As a writer, I’ll checkout a different coffee shop, take a walk on the beach, or ride my bike to break up the day. In the end, you don’t want your life to be separated into work and play. Find a balance so that there’s a little play in every day.

4. Be positive.

Try and be positive for as much of your life as you can. Don’t say negative things about people or things. Try and find gratitude each and every day. You’ll notice that every time you say something bad about someone else, you feel bad for saying it. While it’s no easy task, being positive will change your life and bring authentic happiness.

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Bring out your inner child to add more joy for a happier and healthier life.

As we get older, and the responsibilities of life take up so much of our time, it can be a challenge to rekindle the joy we felt about life as children. It’s difficult to be joyful in the middle of doing taxes, cleaning toilets or spending time stuck in traffic, but research is showing just how important being happy can be for our health.

Fostering positive emotions can be just as important as keeping negative ones at bay. Research conducted by a professor at the Harvard School of Public Health shows that having a “a sense of enthusiasm, of hopefulness, of engagement in life, and the ability to face life’s stresses with emotional balance” can be just as important to our health as regular exercise not smoking. That’s pretty huge and that means there are very real benefits to bringing more happiness into your life and trying to tap into your inner child.

But how do you connect with your inner child when the real world is always ready to intervene?

Here are 7 ways you can channel your inner child for better health:

1. Add spontaneity to your life. Do something “just because” not because there’s necessarily a reason to do it–good health is reason enough.
2. Play. Whether it’s digging in the dirt (grownups call this gardening), skiing, starting a board game night amongst your friends, add more playtime to your life.
3. Take dance breaks. Not only will taking a 5 minute dance break reduce your stress, it will also get your circulation going–that’s a double win.
4. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Kids jump into things head first and it’s only as we age that we start to over analyze every decision. Happiness and joy can come from overcoming a challenge that comes from making mistakes.
5. Don’t get too caught up in what others think of you. There is powerful joy in being yourself and not spending too much time on how others perceive you.
6. Treat yourself. Don’t regularly overindulge but do allow yourself to occasionally enjoy a sweet treat. Better still, make it something you haven’t enjoyed since you were a kid.
7. Spend time around younger people. Having friends who are younger than you can help you tap into your younger more carefree self.

Resources:

http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/magazine/happiness-stress-heart-disease/

http://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1015863,00.html

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