Looking for a reason to try BDSM? Or wondering why you can’t seem to get enough? We’ve got six different reasons explaining the benefits of kinky sex.

Sometimes we develop a fantasy that simply can’t be verbalized. A longing that we feel is so taboo we’re afraid to express our inner desires to our partner—and BDSM is one such arena where these reservations may fall.

Whether it’s the fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, or fear that we might actually love it, sharing these ideas can seem impossible. For some, this leads to a life of vanilla sex forever. For others, it becomes a liberating turning point to explore the type of sex life they’ve always wanted, even if that involves whips, rope, or submission. All of which, according to research, are actually quite good for your health and the health of your relationship.

The practice of BDSM represents conventionally taboo subsets involving bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism and masochism (S&M) that often (although not always) relate to sexual acts in and out of the bedroom. While it may be a fantasy more readily discussed behind closed doors, surveys show that aspects of it are actually desired by many.

A 2014 paper published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine asked more than 1,500 men and women to rate their interest in 55 sexual fantasies. Several BDSM-themed categories turned up, including fantasies about being dominated sexually (present in 65 percent of women and 53 percent of men), dominating someone sexually (47 percent of women and 60 percent of men), and being tied up for sexual pleasure (52 percent of women and 46 percent of men). Not only does this begin to verify the popularity of BDSM practices, but it also lets you know that you’re not alone in your kink.

When done correctly, and we’re not talking about “Fifty Shades of Grey“, partaking in BDSM is surprisingly good for you. Thanks to Medical Daily and their correspondence with various experts, we’ve got the lowdown on six of the benefits you can expect.

5 Reasons BDSM is Good for Your Health

1. Improves Communication and Increases Intimacy

Crediting the transparency that often accompanies a BDSM relationship, open, active, and clear communication are cornerstones for success. Between the use of “safe words” and the clear delineation between “play” (sometimes also known as a “scene”) and the day-to-day relationship, couples are required to identify when it’s time to get kinky, therefore discussing their sexuality far more often than some. Having sex increases intimacy, but throwing in a risk factor, like being tied up or blindfolded, increases it even more. What it comes down to is trust, which BDSM requires a lot of, and when the experiences go well, closeness is thought to be increased.

2. Encourages Fidelity

Because a healthy BDSM relationship requires trust that’s compounded over time, Dr. Jeffrey Sumber, a Chicago psychotherapist, believes that the individuals are less likely to stray, stating, “many who take it seriously are not interested in sabotaging the safety and trust that is imperative to its success.”

3. Better Mental Health

Citing a 2013 study from the Journal of Sexual Medicine, Medical Daily claims “people who practiced BDSM scored better on certain mental health indicators than those who had vanilla sex. The BDSM-friendly participants were less neurotic, more open, more aware of and sensitive to rejection, more secure in their relationships, and had a better overall well-being.” Furthermore, BDSM relationships have a lot of skin-to-skin contact, which one expert says promotes “physiological and physical healing.”

4. Reduces Psychological Stress

Believe it or not, being vulnerable during a BDSM session is actually said to leave participants feeling less stressed. Not only are the anxieties and insecurities we often feel during sex overcome by the ability to let go of judgement and control, but according to the aforementioned study, bottoms and tops (submissives and dominants) both had lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol after participating in bondage.

5. Reduces Anxiety

In addition to all of the other benefits, Medical Daily also pointed out that the “sexual enjoyment of giving or receiving pain can actually reduce anxiety even for the most anxious of souls in the bedroom.” And according to a separate study presented at the Society for Personality and Social Psychology in Austin, Texas, it was revealed that S&M changes the brain’s blood flow, sometimes contributing to an “altered state of consciousness” akin to a runner’s high or yoga. The tranquility felt by the participant (most likely a sub) is believed to be caused by the lack of blood flow to the the brain, therefore reducing anxiety.

The conclusion? When you explore your sexuality safely, legally, and openly, there are loads of benefits to feeling liberated and in touch with your inner desires—even if that means you like a good flogging every now and then.

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ColumnThe entire universe knows that the “Fifty Shades of Grey” trailer was released last week, so if you don’t – where on Earth have you been?

I chatted with Rachel Kramer Bussel, editor of “The Big Book of Submission: 69 Kinky Tales,” about kink, BDSM, and how we can go beyond “Fifty Shades”. You know you want to.

Stefanie Weiss: What’s your quick and dirty definition of BDSM?

Rachel Kramer Bussel: I usually just define the acronym – bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism, which can involve eroticizing power and control as well as eroticizing the giving and receiving of pain, pleasure, and other kinks. It’s such a wide term that it can be hard to define.

SW: How and why can it be liberating for women — especially those who have only been exposed to “vanilla” sex?

RKB: I don’t think BDSM is for everyone, but for many women, it’s a way to explicitly play with power in ways we can’t always do in our daily lives, whether because we are expected to be “good girls” or are simply bound (no pun intended) by societal and workplace rules. There are also rules in BDSM, but once you’ve agreed on those, it can be anything goes in terms of exploring and possibly pushing your own limits, by choice. For example, you can be “bad” and get a spanking or other “punishment,” but you’re playing by rules you’ve agreed to, and very possibly fantasized about.

SW: I’m loving your new book “The Big Book of Submission: 69 Kinky Tales“. The characters are in all positions (literal and figurative) in the submission/dom context. Women are dommes, subs, and everything in between. How is your vision different than the standard “Fifty Shades of Grey” narrative? (Which I will admit now I could never bring myself to read.)

RKB: With an erotica anthology, especially one with 69 stories, there’s much more room for variety. I wanted to give readers a range of entertainment as well as possibilities for reasons characters may enter into BDSM relationships and what they get out of them. I think something we as a culture don’t tend to think about as much are the doms; when someone wants, say, to be tied up, it’s expected that the other person, especially if they are a man, will want to. Not all kinky men are dominant, nor are all kinky women submissive, so I wanted that to come across in the book. I wanted there to be playful as well as more intense examples of kink, and show the mental as well as physical side, which is why my story is called “Reverse Psychology.” The narrator is devoted to his domme and does things to please her, not because he’s inherently into delivering pain.

SW: What myths about BDSM have been inspired by “Fifty Shades”?

RKB: I believe the main myths came from the media around the books, claiming, essentially, that women wanting to try submission are anti-feminist and that this was somehow a setback for women. What that idea misses is that what we do in the bedroom is not a direct mirror of our lives outside of it. There’s a world of difference between choosing to temporarily give up control (while still having ultimate control and a safeword) within the context of a voluntary, chosen BDSM relationship to further your erotic life and living in a world where women so often lack control over our safety.

SW: Follow up: Do you think some good things have come out of the “Fifty Shades” craze in recent years, or are you more concerned with the myths it’s perpetuated?

RKB: I think that like “Sex and the City”, “Fifty Shades of Grey’s” popularity has opened major discussions about women’s sexuality and BDSM and given women access to erotic reading materials, sex toys and information they had to hunt harder for before. Now, “Fifty Shades” is for sale at drugstores and pretty much every bookstore. Sex toy stores are reporting great rises in sales. The way “Fifty Shades“ became popular was by women sharing the book with each other, so I think the barrier of talking about your kinky predilections and feeling they are something to hide has also lessened. Whether you want to try what’s in the book or not, it’s made it not just okay, but accepted that women are having their own fantasies and embracing erotic books written with them in mind.

SW: Any reason you think our culture embraced this now? I’ve heard theories about powerful women needing to be controlled in the bedroom, because they’re “always on top” at work. But I find this to be anti-feminist BS. What do you attribute the BDSM boom to?

RKB: I agree that that’s not the reason for its popularity. I think we’ve been moving toward a point where something like “Fifty Shades”could break out, and it happened to hit at the right time. I think it’s more about our culture embracing an openness to explore, to not have to keep sex toys a secret, to talk more freely about sexuality. Women are passing the books on to their friends and even family members, not necessarily because they think they should try kink, but because they connect with the story.

SW: How can BDSM change our self-perception? Can it help us to heal deep-seated sexual shame?

RKB: BDSM can show you sides of yourself you’d never considered before. Maybe you’re the shy, quiet type, but are with a lover who wants to be ordered around, told what to do, yelled at, who is at your service in every way. That’s heady stuff and a power trip that can surprise you with how you react. Similarly, if you are exploring submission for the first time, it can be both exhilarating and scary; you have to truly trust the person you’re with, and trust yourself. You can test your mental and physical stamina and emerge awed by the power of your mind and body to, say, transform pain into erotic pleasure, or process something we’d hate in our daily lives into something incredibly erotic. For example, I love being “ordered” to do things in the bedroom, but in my regular life I despise it. I don’t know why exactly that’s how I’m wired, but it’s a wonderful feeling to realize how turned on I can get when I’m with someone I trust who then taps into that and can play off of that element.

SW: If a woman wanted to introduce BDSM to her very-vanilla husband or partner, how would you suggest broaching the subject?

RKB: Firstly, you need to be comfortable with talking about what you want, and making room for the other person to talk about what they want. You can just go in and demand, “Tie me up, gag me and torment me,” even if that’s what you’re fantasizing about, especially if you’ve never discussed it with your partner. I’d suggest having that first discussion outside the bedroom, and while you don’t need to make a PowerPoint presentation of what you want, offer some examples of what you’re interested in. Perhaps you two can browse online or watch an erotic movie involving some of the things you’re intrigued by and then discuss what you may or may not feel comfortable with. You may want to explore kinky social networking site Fetlife.com, where you can read about what other people are into and join groups such as The Newbie Spot for subs and Dominants.

Before you start playing, agree on a safeword, which means if one of you wants to call things off or pause, you can say the word and automatically halt the action. Consider making a yes/no/maybe list of things you do want to try, things you definitely don’t, and things you might be into; Charlie Glickman has helpful resources on that.

SW: So many people have dark associations with the concept of S & M — they believe that everyone that engages in it is damaged — care to counter that stereotype?

RKB: There are some people who, like Christian Grey, may be working out mental demons via BDSM, and there are ways to do that safely as well as ways to do that not safely. You could say that we are all “damaged” on some level so I think it’s not necessarily a problem unless you’re being unsafe in your BDSM practices. But the idea that everyone who practices BDSM is automatically suspect is a problem. People come to BDSM from a range of backgrounds and experiences, as many people as come to, say, marriage. Maybe a partner is into it and that’s your entree, or you read about it watch a movie about it or discover a club or party or event. It’s such a personal journey and there’s no one size fits all element.

SW: For all the psychologically-stable BDSM participants merely exercising their fantasies in real life, there are people out there who are using it the wrong way. How can those interested in experimenting with BDSM — outside the context of an established relationship — find safe people to play with?

RKB: Try going to a munch in your town, which is a casual gathering, usually at a restaurant, to meet like-minded people. There’s no pressure and it’s a non-sexual environment where you can talk and chat and get to know people, who may be able to help you steer clear of people known to be unsafe as well as guide you toward safe spaces. You want to be extra cautious and if you are going to be in private with someone you don’t know, tell a friend where you are going. Vet them as carefully as you can because you want to make sure they have your best interests at heart, will listen if you use your safeword or have concerns and won’t pressure you to go further than you’d like, and also knows what they’re doing. For instance, there are parts of the body that you shouldn’t use a flogger or other tools on, and they need to know that to keep you safe, as do you if you are the one in charge.

SW: Can BDSM just be about physical, sensual pleasure — or is there always a psychological component?

RKB: It definitely can. There’s so much variety; some people combine mental and physical play, for some people it’s more one or the other. Some people enjoy the sensation of being flogged or beaten or spanked or straining against bonds but they don’t want to do it as “punishment” or as part of a dominant/submissive dynamic. It may be an endorphin rush or simply part of how they get off.

Join Stefanie on a journey to the authentic heart of your sexual self with Project 40: Sadism, Masochism, Sexuality & Shadow, an online 40-day tour through the heart of your psyche via intensive journaling, ritual, and guided daily emails. 

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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 image: Arif Akhtar

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Chastity belts arrived just after the religious wars and are still going strong.

Even though most of us think of chastity belts as bizarre medieval anti-sex devices, there are more of them now available than at any other time before in Planet Earth’s history.

After all, there are plenty of websites out there selling modern day ‘chastity belts’ for the BDSM crowd, some of them pricier than others. For each of these sites, there is a pile of these belts in boxes waiting to be shipped out the door. That means thousands of them, in all sorts of shapes and sizes, made from various materials and combinations of materials, for both men and women. Of course, chastity belts weren’t originally meant for sex play (at least not according to the Wikipedia page on the subject), they were to keep women safe from rape (and temptation) during the Crusades.

Except for the fact that this isn’t true.

The first evidence of the belts weren’t found until 100 years after the religious wars. But they were worn by men and women during the Renaissance – or at least there are devices that exist that date from that time. Evidence is hard to come by, but there is this chilling tale: “In 1889, a leather-and-iron belt was found by Anton Pachinger, a German collector of antiquities in Linz, Austria in a grave on a skeleton of a young woman. The woman was reportedly buried sometime in the 16th century. Pachinger, however, could not find any record of the woman’s burial in the town archives.”

But looking through the wide variety, not to mention the close similarities between the post-medieval devices and modern ones, I got to thinking about what chastity belts were ultimately supposed to do, which is to create a physical barrier between a person getting their sex on, usually with another person. While some of the men’s belts are meant to prevent erections altogether, and therefore masturbation (they were actually used in the 1930’s to keep kids and teens from onanism), the majority of them are to keep women from having sex.

These days of course, the whole thing is more about playing with power roles in sexual relationships, and chastity belts are the way that some people enact those parts. But it got me to thinking: In 2011, what does chastity mean, anyway? In these days of psuedo-virginity and born-again virgins, teens being encouraged to masturbate (as parents are realizing that it’s safer than sex), vaginal “rejuvenation” surgery, and an ever-growing acceptance of sexual nonconformity and openness (drugstores are selling dildos, swingers’ clubs are as suburban as Chevy Suburbans), does anyone really care about chastity anymore?

Image: Arcadius

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