ColumnA behind-the-screen look at the consistently ridiculous inbox of a writer.

At EcoSalon, we receive our fair share of email pitches, and we’ve decided to give you a weekly peek at this valuable information inside our inboxes. These products, people, and services are 100 percent real, although we’re not always sure that they should be.

Enjoy Health Problems While Looking Like Cameron Diaz!

We got this recently from body sculpting lingerie brand, Leonisa: “As Latin America’s best-selling lingerie line, Leonisa knows every woman’s body type is different which is why they have a wide array of shapers for every shape and size.”

Leonisa can help your body type look its best by doing things like taking your pear shaped body that might look like Shakira, your hourglass curves that look just like Kim Kardashians, or of course your Cameron Diaz boyish/ruler shape, that needs extra added curves and create the body you always wanted! (Side note: It will suck in the process.)

What we want to know is what happens when you go home with your date and they peel off that sexy dress only to see this underneath?! Or, worse yet, ripples of love handles they never knew you had engulf their groping hands. We think this is very unhealthy on a number of levels.

Workout With Makeup On That Won’t Ever Come Off…Ever!

Tired of looking like a hot mess during your hot yoga and kickboxing workout? Don’t you know everyone is looking at you when you’re at the gym to make sure you look good? Everyone. Duh.

You better listen up sweetheart and get some makeup advice from the pros.

YouBeauty’s “Cosmetic Chemistry Expert” Ni’Kita Wilson says when shopping for cosmetics that can take the heat of a vigorous workout, “look for the most transfer-resistant makeup possible; it has a better chance of surviving your workout or physically demanding job.”

Uh oh, don’t they know who they’re pitching to? A site that promotes non-toxic and organic makeup and skin products?

“Silicone-based foundations are best suited to exercise conditions,” says makeup artist Kevin James Bennett, a cosmetics expert for the International Esthetics Advisory Board of Leslie Baumann, M.D., dermatologist and author of The Skin Type Solution. “The cosmetic silicone molecules are too large to penetrate or become lodged in pores and are naturally water resistant,” he says.

Right, foundation for workouts that only comes off with toxic makeup removers. Thanks Kevin, or is it Ni’Kita or is it one of the other three names on the pitch. We’re not sure who to blame for this disaster.

(Note to women working out all over the world: Go makeup free while exercising!)

Dr. Umar Wants to Give You a Thick Bush!

Thanks to Dr. Umar’s PR crew for notifying us of a popular spring trend: bushy brows.

(Psst…we recently wrote about it Dr. Umar).

Sure we get it, bushy brows are in, but what we didn’t know was many women have to resort to transplant surgery in order to achieve the look. Wait, isn’t this a trend though? Won’t transplant surgery give you these forever?

Dr. Umar’s PR people write us: “Eyebrow thickness might come in and out of style (think Brooke Shields’ desirable eighties brows versus pencil-thin nineties supermodels), but no matter what the brow trend of the moment may be, fuller eyebrows signal youth. Period.”

I thought fuller eyebrows signified feral children and woods people? Youth. Hmmm…

Did I write yet that the good doctor wants to transplant your other body hair just above your brow? Yes. It is true.

Bushes everywhere.

Image: Rick

The post Better Living Through Publicists: Bush is Back appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnA behind-the-screen look at the consistently ridiculous inbox of a writer.

At EcoSalon, we receive our fair share of email pitches, and we’ve decided to give you a weekly peek at this valuable information inside our inboxes. These products, people, and services are 100 percent real, although we’re not always sure that they should be.

Synthetic Fragrances Will Arouse You!

Who couldn’t keep reading after seeing this: “Introducing Erox, a new unisex attraction fragrance, proven to increase feelings of arousal, excitement, and flirtiness in both female and male users.”

Yowza.

Erox contains a combination of pheromones, and a new revolutionary attraction compound called ER303, “a potent cocktail that has been clinically proven to increase feelings of confidence, social warmth and friendliness in both men and women.”

Wait, like Facebook in a bottle?

Erox “serves as a powerful icebreaker and puts you and your audience in an open, receptive, and friendly mood. It’s been used for dating, networking, socializing, and even some who have used it to put the spark back into their existing relationships.”

The best part of this pitch? We are told that unlike traditional fragrances, the scent will be launched, sold and marketed exclusively through nontraditional channels – social media and forum communities. “If successful, this could make a great case study on how powerful a channel social media can be for launching and selling future products.”

Like tomatoes and stylus pencils!

You Know What They Say About Men With Big Feet!

Sure we get it, send this to a conscious culture site: “Who are the world’s most eligible bachelors with biggest footprints?”

Carbon right? That’s why you sent this to us PeekYou?

PeekScore is a rank from 1 to 10, assigned to every person. The higher someone’s score, the “more important” they are on the web. In calculating your PeekScore and updating it often, PeekYou takes into account your known presence and activity on the Internet, including but not limited to; your blogging, participation in social networks, the number of your friends, followers, or readers, the amount of web content you create, and your prominence in the news.

Cut to the chase? Be completely obsessed with being online and and you will have no chance of ever going on a date because you’re trying to get your score up.

Not very smart.

Just Say No to Chest Wrinkles With An Uncomfortable Breast Harness!

Irene Komsky, a cosmetic nurse based in San Francisco saw that many women were interested in and investing money into ways that would eliminate those pesky lines on the cleavage area (note to self, research who these women are). That’s when she decided to create Intimia, a chest pillow to help women eliminate and prevent chest wrinkles while they slept.

What? What? What?

“Due to its adjustable straps that go across the back, Intimia fits women of all sizes and stays on comfortably throughout the night while you toss and turn. It works by separating the breasts, preventing new lines from forming, and smoothing out any existing wrinkles.”

Wait, it’s plastic and stretches my breast skin while I sleep and fits on me like a horse harness? This sounds great! Who doesn’t want attractive breast skin?

Sign me on and while you’re at it Intimia, this product of yours that has no redeeming sustainable attributes except making me more aware that I am aging, (essentially dying every day), can I still sleep on my stomach wearing it? What I’m asking is, will it leave a mark on my unwrinkled chest?

Image: NeoGaboX

The post Better Living Through Publicists: It Always Comes Down to Sex Edition appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnA behind-the-screen look at the consistently ridiculous inbox of a writer.

At EcoSalon, we receive our fair share of email pitches, and we’ve decided to give you a weekly peek at this valuable information inside our inboxes. These products, people, and services are 100 percent real, although we’re not always sure that they should be.

Take Your Heart on a Toxic Joyride!

Maybe it was because this PR firm thought we were a bunch of incense-burning hippies that would be pumped to hear about  “a blend of seven naturally powerful, antioxidant rich plant and fruit extracts developed in the Alpenrose Clinic in Switzerland.” Far from it. This “revolutionary supplement” intended to skyrocket human energy levels, “get your skin glowing and maximize your workouts,” is nothing more than speed in a bag. If we wanted a less packaged energy product we’d go hit the nearest drug dealer for an eight ball.

Who doesn’t need energy? We’ve covered more natural ways of attaining it however. REBOOTizer is “Packaged in ultra convenient portable pouches, you simply pop the pouch to activate the potent blend of fruit and plant extracts and purified reverse water and let your body know you mean business. The beauty of REBOOTizer lies in the greater bio-availability of the mixture compared to other pre-made anti-oxidant drinks on the market.By delivering an instant shot of this potent liquid, you are guaranteed the effects of this powerful, better mind and body booster.”

Toxic drink.

Plastic pouches.

Rebooting.

Give us a break.

Get Eco With These New Disposable Razors from Schick!

This PR firm reached out to us three times. That means that three times we made pretend a disposable razor company wasn’t asking us to write about them. With all the plastic floating around the planet, and how often EcoSalon writes about it, why we ask, (we implore), would Schick still pitch us? Because they don’t care.

So here you go Schick.

Their new “greener shave,” with the Schick Xtreme3 Eco is the first disposable razor designed for maximum sustainability, is made with a handle comprised of 100 percent recycled plastic and 100 percent recycled paper packaging. Hey wait, this sounds great! Recycling, green sustainable – we like! We liked even more all the reasons why they thought we should write about it:

• We Are a Plastic Nation: Enough plastic is produced in the United States each year to shrink wrap Texas. By using recycled plastics, the Eco razor will save about 118,000 pounds of this virgin material from landfills. It’s enough to reach the top of the Washington Monument over 2,300 times!
• Chain Reaction: Recycling 1 ton of paper saves 17 mature trees, 7,000 gallons of water, 3 cubic yards of landfill space, 2 barrels of oil, and 4000 kilowatt hours of electricity.  This is enough energy to power the average American home for 5 months. Schick estimates they’ll be saving 15,500 pounds of virgin paper from going into landfills each year by using recycled paper in the packaging.
• Royal Flush: The bathroom is one of the least eco-friendly places in your abode. In fact, 75 percent of all water used in the household is used in the bathroom, and people are not accustomed to recycling waste as they do in the kitchen. By offering a product whose creation makes an immediate positive impact on the environment, Schick has made it simple and easy to go green in your bathroom routine.
• No Compromise? No Problem: The Eco razor provides the exact same high-quality shave (and high-value price) that Xtreme3 users know and love – now better for the environment!

Wait. What about those reusable razors? The metal ones we can have for a really long time to reduce plastic use and even the need for recycled packaging? The razors that don’t demand we need more water usage, oil or trees to keep making them? Geez Schick, didn’t you think about that? What is this eco 1990?

We commend you for putting recycling to good use, but are you missing the point?

Available exclusively at Wal-Mart, Schick is planning a campaign to coincide with Earth Month, including a partnership with celeb couple Amy Smart and Carter Oosterhouse.

Oh boy.

Who Cares if You Smoke?! It’s Just Vapor!

Thanks to Brittany for sending us this pitch on smokeless cigarettes, because nothing says EcoSalon better than a good smoke.

She writes: “Even the most beautiful people have the nastiest habits. Just like everyone else, celebs can suffer the negative consequences of their cigarette addiction. From yellow teeth and grayish skin to smelly breath and hair, just one cigarette can deplete their good looks. That’s why stars like Jerry Ferrara, Karina Smirnoff, Katherine Heigl, Uma Thurman and Jenni ‘JWOWW’ Farley are turning to South Beach Smoke electronic cigarettes.”

Wait Brittany, I’m not a celebrity, so how does this work for me as a writer and editor?

The pitch goes on: “South Beach Smoke is a smokeless electronic cigarette which gives users a way to obtain nicotine without tobacco. Smokers can enjoy the physical sensation and flavor of a traditional cigarette but are exhaling water vapor instead of the harmful smoke. With South Beach Smoke electronic cigarettes you can say goodbye to wrinkled skin and bad teeth and hello to a smoother, healthier way to puff.”

Healthy=puffing?

Smoking=no wrinkled skin?

We have a pretty strong feeling that these vapors have to make something murky and wrinkly somewhere.

We’ll pass on the samples and the test starter kit.

Oh, and good luck to Uma!

The post Better Living Through Publicists: ‘We’re Probably Not the Right Fit’ Edition appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnA behind-the-screen look at the consistently ridiculous inbox of a writer.

At EcoSalon, we receive our fair share of email pitches, and we’ve decided to give you a weekly peek at this valuable information inside our inboxes. These products, people, and services are 100 percent real, although we’re not always sure that they should be.

Maxwell Billieon Will Help You Navigate for Yoko Onos!

Who knows why you got married. Mom told you to, your friends told you to, every one made it seem like it was so special and good and…right. Only you knew, deep down inside, that marriage would be the kiss of death for your relationship. The same relationship that was way more hot when you lived in separate apartments. And now? The man you married is cheating on you and courtesy of your competitive streak, you’ll need to call on “Lifestyle Guru” Maxwell Billieon to help. Billieon will do so many things for you, including outlining “key directives that make countless men stop cheating.”

Let’s say his last name again: Billieon.

Here’s the actual pitch:

“Ten years ago when renowned lifestyle guru, celebrity branding expert and business mogul Maxwell Billieon was bound by cheating in his relationships – because no mentors or role models had ever taught him how to function differently with women – he had an epiphany. Driven by an overwhelming desire to stop cheating, he set out on a life-changing journey to undo decades of destructive behaviors. With no experts or instructors to advise him, Billieon quickly realized he would have to draft his own operating manual for learning how not to cheat…”

That is fantastic, Maxwell. I’m glad you saw the light. In Death Of The Cheating Man: What Every Woman Must Know About Men Who Stray, Billieon outlines, step-by-step, what women need to know about how and why men manipulate their emotions.

First tip? Don’t date a man named Maxwell. Other helpful how to’s:

Create the “New Monogamy.”
Know when it’s time to “pull a Yoko Ono.”
The danger of choosing pockets over pedigree.

Maxwell Billieon has now generated over $100 million in global sales as the CEO of The Billieon Group (TBG), overseeing development of high-end luxury lifestyle goods apparently sold worldwide, making Billieon globally known at the “Lifestyle Guru.”

Still the player…

Hey, Psycho, Stalk Your Date Before the Date!

Dating Our Money: A Women’s Guide to Confidence with Money & Men by Leslie Greenman gives us real insight into how we can put money before things like love or common sense.

Greenman’s PR people tell us that we should remember that our man’s good looks and winning personality aren’t all that matter. “The blunt reality is that money is the #1 cause of divorce in the U.S. And when it comes to matters of not just the heart but money as well, there’s no better time than a first date to find out if your new guy cuts the proverbial mustard!”

That sounds like the makings of a winning first date.

“Hi, my name is Amy and I’m a Libra who loves to save money – say, how’s your credit score?”

(Cue sound of footsteps running for the door).

How does one find out whether a new beau is money conscious, and how does one do so gracefully so early in the relationship? So many questions. Greenman has all the answers:

Check out his wheels. Is your date driving a flashy sports car, but you know he’s in the first job of his career? Is he driving a more modest set of wheels but you know he’s in a leadership position at work? The type of car he drives when taken into consideration with his career can be an indicator of how he spends and budgets his money. It might also indicate that he turns to material objects for fulfillment.

(Writer’s note: What about a guy with a bike?)

Ask about his relationship with his family. Often, he’ll give you the information you want without you having to pry. For example, he might reveal that his divorce from his wife resulted because of money issues. Or he might reveal that he was raised in a middle class family with frugal parents.

(Writer’s note: I can envision it now. The romance. The thrills. The notepad and pages of questions about his financial history! “Excuse me, third date’s mother, are you a frugal family?”)

Check out his phone. On average, people spend $150 on phone apps per year, but some people have bills as high as $900 per year. Is that a luxury you feel comfortable with? If it appears he spends a lot of money each month on something as trivial as phone apps, consider how he might spend money in other areas. On the other hand, if he has an app that helps him manage his monthly budget, that’s probably a good sign.

(Writer’s note: Hey, at least it’s not video games.)

Go online. With all of the information available online, you can find out a lot about someone with a quick search. For example, you can check if a person has paid their property taxes by searching online public records.

(Writer’s note: Because before a first date, you already know if you’re interested enough in a man to need to know his financial profile ahead of time?)

After all this, if you’re sure that this man is 100% perfect – well groomed, has cash, pays his taxes, isn’t posting too many pictures on Facebook, isn’t buying flashy cars, doesn’t have too many apps and still lives with his mother – then get ready to settle down, honey, he’s a keeper!

Kathy Kolbe And Rush Limbaugh say “Stop nagging!”

Say hi to nag expert Kathy Kolbe.

Here’s a great way to start a pitch to a conscious women’s publication: “Last week, the Wall Street Journal sparked a nation-wide debate after reporting that nagging can be a bigger marriage killer than infidelity which was briefly mentioned on the Rush Limbaugh Show as well. The article has generated, not surprisingly, a swath of nagging woman vs. lazy man debates somewhat akin to the chicken vs. the egg variety.”

Hmmm. Rush Limbaugh. Nagging women. Lazy men. This sounds perfect for us. Keep talking PR person!

“Why is there so much nagging and how can you really avoid it beyond neat bullet-point suggestions that don’t really address the root cause?”

Let’s stop right here. We have many choices. We can avoid a relationship with these people. We can stay single. We can take an oath of silence. We can run fast and furious for the hills.

Thanks. Fin.

Image: zabaraorg

The post Better Living Through Publicists: No Wonder Couples Split Edition appeared first on EcoSalon.

Valentine’s Day is coming! Valentine’s Day is coming!

Time to pull out every cliche in the book! It’s the most romantic day of the year! Obviously! This is what all the PR firms are telling us and we’ve gotten so many pitches over the past two weeks, we’re making this week’s lengthy edition of Better Living Through Publicists a cherry heart bonbon the size of which you’ve never seen, nested in forty million rose petals, floating atop an Olympic-sized bubble bath of edible chocolate froth. In other words, at once absurd and predictable: Just like Valentine’s Day and the publicists’ pitches that come with it!

If Hotel Walls Could Talk

Hotels.com took a “Romance Survey” that uncovered “Both dissidence and harmony between the sexes surrounding Valentine’s Day.” What did they find? Well, of course all couples get a hotel room on Valentine’s Day (thanks hotel.com survey), but what do men and women think about Valentine’s Day hanky-panky?

They want lingerie, they want sex in the jacuzzi (note to self – avoid the jacuzzi next time you travel), they want Filet Mignon and dark chocolate and also, because they hate their partner so much for forcing them to endure this obviously horrible weekend, have opted for celebrities to do this with instead:

It’s no wonder that many couples divorce or break up on the 14th. Steak, anyone?

Doomsday is Coming!

Here’s a book to cheer you up for the impending day of doom. “As stores are flooded with hearts and sappy sentiments, many single women’s hearts are flooded with reminders of loneliness, failure and doom. But cheer up ladies! There is someone out there who is confident that you will find ‘the one’ and wants to remind you to keep the faith.”

Hey thanks, Lindsley Lowell! I bet you’re going to be the one with your truly graphically pleasing book to tell us who it is!
Do you deserve true love? Are you over 35 and therefore “discounted, last season’s fashions?” Do you have the guts to sit it out and wait for a man in metal to come and sweep you off your feet?

Lindsley advises: “Do not settle. Do not let others put you down. Do not think you are crazy. Do not throw in the towel and start crocheting outfits for your cat. There IS hope. Let me be your beacon of hope, your wing woman, your leader in the fight to find your knight in shining armor. Yes, Virginia, he does exist. He just might be stuck in traffic.”

But why does the PR pitch go on to talk about how the remaining available men look “like the used, discarded Island of the Misfit Toys?”

You’re old goods, but don’t settle, but the men left aren’t so great, but they are! And you don’t simply happen to want to be single, obviously.

I’m so confused. Should I just become lesbian? Oh, just call me on the 14th and we’ll figure it out over oysters.

When All Else Fails, Shop HBO!

Because you have nobody to love (because you watch too much TV), get one of these synthetic, toxic shirts to proclaim you love something on the 14th!

By the way, HBO, we heart organic cotton.

Nothing Says Sexy Like Tyrosine!

See this woman? She’s internationally renowned celebrity nutrition and fitness expert JJ Virgin, co-star of TLC’s hit series Freaky Eaters. That’s right, Virgin. Virgin is one of those people who believes food can fuel a love fire, so she advises you to better your V-Day by following a few items on this list:

Feed him celery – a few stalks of celery it raises a man’s androstenedione, which emits a scent women can’t resist

Get your zinc on – zinc-containing foods support healthy sperm production and are high in D-aspartic acid and N-methyl-D-aspartate, which increased testosterone levels

Tyrosine and zinc supplements – increase dopamine levels in the brain, which has been linked to boosting the sex drive

Supplements, baby, supplements – fish oil supports good blood flow, arginine helps with vasodilation, and Tongkat Ali support shealthy testosterone levels

Go nuts – L-arginine enhances production of nitrous oxide (NO) to increase blood flow to the nether regions, and nuts especially are rich in arginine

Yes, chocolate! – dark chocolate contains phenylethylamine, which releases the same endorphins triggered by sex and increases the feelings of attraction between two people

Hot coffee – coffee drinkers have higher libidos and hit the sheets more often than those who don’t indulge, according to a study conducted by Southwestern University.

Get filet-ed – Lean cuts of red meat are great sources of zinc and curb production of a hormone called prolactin, which at high levels can cause sexual dysfunction. Choose deep red cuts with round or loin in the name.

So, to sum up. Nuts, deep cuts of loin. Got it. Totally sexy.

Feeling Unloved? Retreat To Dawn Christie, Spiritual Champion of the Stars!

Image: La Maison Duce, Irina

The post Better Living Through Publicists: Valentine’s Day Is So Cliche Edition appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnA behind-the-screen look at the consistently ridiculous inbox of a writer.

At EcoSalon, we receive our fair share of email pitches, and we’ve decided to give you a weekly peek at this valuable information inside our inboxes. These products, people, and services are 100 percent real, although we’re not always sure that they should be.

One very smug Andy Masters has written the definitive book on romance, I mean dating, I mean sales.

His new book, Kiss Your Customer: 77 Reasons Why Sales & Service Are Just Like Dating & Relationships, takes a “creative look at the eerie similarities between business success and relationship success.” What we can learn from business that we can apply to relationships? That it’s good to get a sale? That it’s going, going, gone unless you buy now?

“It’s about the process:  Find ‘em, and then keep ‘em happy!” Masters says. “There is a great irony between the sales process and romantic courtship. There is also a great irony between keeping your customer happy, and keeping your significant other happy.”

Nothing says romance like relentlessly convincing your customer/wife that she needs you.

Says our pitching publicist: “There probably isn’t a groom on the planet who hasn’t felt completely overwhelmed by all of the major decisions (and costs) associated with his wedding day. While most brides revel in the planning process, most men want to run and hide until they find out how much they’re paying. It’s not just the bride’s special day, but the groom’s too, so why not get involved?”

Looks like 1960 just called! Along with every gender stereotype out there! And why are you marrying the jerk who wants to run and hide from his own wedding, anyway?

Be the Man: The Man Registry® Guide for Grooms is supposed to be a humorous guide to navigating “the wedding minefield” giving grooms a “play-by-play of the wedding planning months, answer lingering questions and debunk age-old myths.”

Except all the myths it perpetuates.

Thanks to Napoleon Fireplaces and Grills from Crittenden, Kentucky for sending an over 85%-women-read conscious publication a pitch about how dumb we are at grilling meat.

According to the Bluegrass State based BBQ shop, “males continue to reign in the fiery realm of the grill.”

In fact, according to a 2011 consumer research study, put together for the international Hearth, Patio and Barbecue Association, the male head of the household “is more often the one who makes the decision to use a grill, prepares the food and actually does the work on the grill.”

“Grilling has traditionally been a guy thing, and this research confirms the anecdotal evidence many of us have seen in our own homes for years,” said David Coulson, national advertising manager for Barrie, Ont.-based Napoleon Fireplaces and Grills.

Among the details provided by survey respondents, researchers found such valuable insights as:

– Males handle the majority of the grilling duty.
– The male head of the household cooks about 73% of the meals on gas grills, 72% on charcoal grills and 66% on electric grills.
– Men prepare the food 58% of the time for gas grilling, 55% for charcoal grills and 50% for electric grills.
– Those stats compare to women who handle food prep 39% of the time for gas grilling, 40% for charcoal grills and 49% for meals made on electric grills.
– Men generally make the final call when it comes to whether or not to grill a meal. The survey indicates men typically make the decision 60% of the time for gas grilling, 63% of the time for charcoal grilling and 56% of the time for electric grills.
– Women make the call 36% of the time for gas grilling, 33% of the time for charcoal grilling and 43% of the time for electric grilling.

Where’s the fire?

No matter who actually exercises their grill skills to cook the meal, the job of firing up the equipment usually falls to the man of the house, the survey found.

“It’s extremely important for us to know how people typically use their grills and barbecues so we can tailor our products and services to our customers habits,” Coulson said. “At Napoleon, we have a full line of gourmet gas and charcoal grills to suit any household, no matter who’s at the helm.”

Thanks, David. The next thing we want to know is, if a tree falls in the woods does it make a sound? How much sound? What percentage of deer hear it? Does? Rabbits?

Image: Adactio, Quapan

The post Better Living Through Publicists: I Am the Man Edition appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnA behind-the-screen look at the consistently ridiculous inbox of a writer.

At EcoSalon, we receive our fair share of email pitches, and we’ve decided to give you a weekly peek at this valuable information inside our inboxes. These products, people, and services are 100 percent real, although we’re not always sure that they should be.

Vajazzle Your Vajayjay!

When you get an email titled “The lowdown on your lady flower,” you have a few options:

1. Hope it’s from a horticulturalist talking about the status of your most recent garden center purchase.

2. Pretend your vagina was not just called a lady flower, as though you were a toddler just learning about body parts.

3.  Ask yourself if the PR firm did any research about your publication that would indicate said publication’s readers need to know about lady flowers. Generally.

“From Kegels to cunnilingus, vajazzling to vibrators, and self-exams to semen allergies, V Is for Vagina stands way above the vajayjay books of yesteryear (Ed.: there were books of yesteryear?). Out next month, this candid, easy-to-read – and easy-to-understand – guide that delivers the most up-to-date comprehensive health information for women 18 to 81!”

I can vajazzle my vajayjay out of semen allergies: What a fun read? I think? Send me a copy?

“This go-to guide for all things vagina is filled with activities, quizzes, and FAQs that give you all the information you need when something doesn’t feel quite normal.”

Normal? What is a normal vagina?

Little Men Now Have Clothes!

“Can I put you in touch with the Au’s for a possible short man’s fashion interview?” EcoSalon has been asked. Oh, the synergy.

Super Moms Get Toxic!

The post Better Living Through Publicists: Be a Better You Edition appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnA behind-the-screen look at the consistently ridiculous inbox of a writer.

At EcoSalon, we receive our fair share of email pitches, and we’ve decided to give you a weekly peek at this valuable information inside our inboxes. These products, people, and services are 100 percent real, although we’re not always sure that they should be.

Wild Anal Play Adventures!

Nothing says conscious living better than a night of wide-awake, very awake, anal play.

In bestselling author and sex educator Dr. Sadie Allison’s newly released fifth book, Tickle My Tush, we all can learn the “true pleasures of the under-explored seat of love.”

Would it be acceptable, Dr. Sadie, if I just used my seat to sit? Anal play may be on trend, but it’s not for everybooty.

Thanks, we think, to PR professional Barbara Dunn (or the “Tickle Kitty” as she signed off in her email to us) for this EcoSalon-specific pitch.

Become a Hot Mess For The World To See!

“I’m a hot mess!”

You’ve said it, your friends have said it, and you’ve all agreed at one time or another that an outfit, makeup application or drunken expose captured on another friend’s iPhone conveyed the spirit of this mess.

You and your friends, and your friends’ friends are not alone! In fact, there’s a whole website about people’s shameless hot messes. And you can now add your own.

Join Hot Mess Executive Producer Amy Kersten in her video, where she is dressed as a “deranged nanny” in The Christmas Carol, and try not to rip skin from your face as she forces an “English” accent from her freshly painted lips. You won’t get anything she says about the contest (and you want to because you have some good footage of your now-ex best friend), because all you’ll hear is that pouty faux accent. It will stay with you all day and you will become a hot mess just trying to get it out of your head.

As for their final words to us: “We’d love for Ecosalon.com to post about the contest this week, as we think your readers might be worthy competitors and who may also like our series!”

We say, you so don’t know our readers. But any press is good press, right?

Lose Weight This New Year Courtesy of Some Slave Labor Chocolate!

A recent national survey finds that only 32% of Americans actually make New Year’s resolutions. Sadly, for those who do, 60% of those people have the foresight to know they’ll break them before they even make them.
Regardless of whether or not Americans make (or keep) their resolutions, health seems to be at the top of everyone’s minds for the New Year.

According to the survey, a whopping 75% of American adults are planning on losing weight in 2012 and they say “Kicking up the Cardio” is the most optimal way to lose weight. “Eating Smaller Portions” and “Choosing ‘Healthy Over ‘Hearty’” came in a close second and third, followed by “Partnering with a Friend” which ranked surprisingly low in a distant fourth place.

There were additional findings from the Nestlé Raisinets’ New Years Health survey. Wait. Nestlé? Raisinets? Healthy?

That’s right.

Suck down all those little brown, soft-filled droppings made by Ivory Coast child slave laborers and feel good about your antioxidants! It’s a new year and you want to lose weight eating chocolate!

“Nestlé Raisinets are an indulgence everyone can try without feeling guilty,” says Tricia Bowles, of Nestlé Confections & Snacks.

Image: Stuart_Burns1

The post Better Living Through Publicists: Tush Tickler Edition appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnA behind-the-screen look at the consistently ridiculous inbox of a writer.

At EcoSalon, we receive our fair share of email pitches, and we’ve decided to give you a weekly peek at this valuable information inside our inboxes. These products, people, and services are 100 percent real, although we’re not always sure that they should be.

You’re never too old to ride the ride!

Jennifer Landa, we want to walk a mile in your hormonal pumps. We honestly do.

We sexually deprived, post-partum, menopausal, Cortisol-fatigued women want your sex drive solution that “helps women set and achieve realistic goals to not only get their sexy back – but to keep it going all night long.” One thing we will not be tempted to do, though, is call out “Dr. Jen!” or Landaaaaaa!!” in bed instead of our partner’s name. This we will not do, per your suggestion.

In The Sex Drive Solution for Women, Dr. Jen’s Power Plan includes so much elementary detail we wonder if the women reading this have ever had a stiff drink or perhaps taken a yoga class and opened up their pelvis. Or simply masturbated. Landa says, “If the man in your life is concerned about how many ‘headaches’ you’ve been having as of late and you’ve come to the conclusion that you’re officially too old to ‘ride the ride,’ it’s time for an intervention.”

Too old to “ride the ride?”

If you were trying to bulk up my self esteem, Dr. Jen, that one statement took it all away. Or maybe it’s just your book cover that seems to think we women are still in the kitchen. Let me just finish making my pot roast so I can ride the ride.

Is Your Massage Therapy Up To Par?

Massage should be part of our personal health care planning. Who doesn’t feel relaxed and centered after a good rubdown? You’ve had massages with human touch – maybe even heated stones – but have you considered golf balls?

Golf Ball Massage is superior to hot stone massage techniques, which can give deep pressure, but are slippery. Enter the KaddyBACK.

“GolfBallMassage.com’s KaddyBACK was designed based on the common practice of putting a golf ball in a sock, placing it against the upper back area, and pushing it against a wall to allow the ball to massage hard to reach back areas. KaddyBACK does the same thing efficiently and effectively, and was designed to be hands-free, enabling this therapy to be used while in a car, chair, etc.”

Common practice? Clearly, we are behind the golf-ball-in-a-sock times as we thought golf balls in socks were gang-related.

The hardest part for us to swallow is this last bit below about the KaddyBACK which accompanies your golf ball:

“Golf Ball Massage with JUST a golf ball? A Golf Ball Massage without the SPAball Kaddy is like:
…a virgin margarita! A DIET virgin margarita!
…a hand-shake instead of a high-five!
…a deep tissue massage from a 5-year-old!”

Um.

The world’s first unisex social media attraction fragrance!

Introducing Erox: “designed by geeks for geeks, the made for social media attraction fragrance is being launched, over the next few months, by GrowdGather (growdgather), a leading network of Internet forum communities.”

That’s right – growdgather. Sometimes we get press releases from companies that can’t even spell their own names right.

The company partnered with “Human Pheromone Sciences to produce a scent that contains a combination of pheromones, and a new revolutionary attraction compound called ER303, into a potent cocktail that has been clinically proven to increase feelings of arousal, excitement, social warmth and friendliness in both men and women.”

We could keep pulling quote after quote from the release so…we will!

“So maybe those flirtatious tweets and Facebook likes will help you reel that special someone in, but it will be Erox that will help you seal the deal!”

“The interesting thing is that people find it works in business or group settings as much as it does for hooking up.”

“Unlike traditional fragrances, the scent will be launched, sold and marketed exclusively through nontraditional channels – social media and forum communities – obviously targeting those who are active in the online social sphere. The campaign featuring a celebrity endorsement will be announced and launched over the next few months.”

Celebrity endorsement? Let’s just hope it’s somebody really good so we can get them next.

Image: jafsegal, lel4nd

The post Better Living Through Publicists: Sexual Freedom (With Just a Little Help) Edition appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnA behind-the-screen look at the consistently ridiculous inbox of a writer.

At EcoSalon, we receive our fair share of email pitches, and we’ve decided to give you a weekly peek at this valuable information inside our inboxes. These products, people, and services are 100 percent real, although we’re not always sure they should be.

Watch as fit men lather coconut oil on each other this Christmas!

Did you know that Sexy Santa has relocated his doll factory to the Andrew Christian Design Studio? Wait, you didn’t know Sexy Santa existed?

No more bendable dolls for you! If you’d like a dull-eyed love demon clad in a thong stuffed like a down pillow and covered in scrumptious edible oil shipped to you, then this is the gift to ask for. But wait! There’s more! Before you buy, whet your appetite with a slightly NSFW video showing just how these dolls get packaged.

Some scenes you can expect to see include a motionless man laid out on a table while a “hottie factory worker” (actual term) wraps him in bubble wrap, and a “muscular Latino hunk factory worker” (oh yes!) fits a jock strap on another male doll. One of the best parts of this entire gift is the theme song, “Bubble Wrap” by Dina Delicious, that will have you tapping your toes and fending off the desire to wrap yourself in padded petroleum-based goodness. Sexy Santa? Of course he comes!

Help promote America’s high obesity rate with a new PEEPS® design!

PEEPS® Brand Marshmallow Candies recently announced its first “Deck The PEEPS” Holiday Art Contest. Bunnies, snowmen and baby chicks are so over, lame, done. Why not consider something more worthy of adding to America’s obesity epidemic, like maybe a Creeper from Minecraft or a marshmallow-haired Monster High Doll? Imagine the piercing screams of joy from your children. Your design will inspire sentences like: “Mom! You rule!” and “I didn’t know you were so cool – LOL!”

While you’re thinking of new shapes for consumption also consider artistic adult creations that range from sculpture to wall art. Think big, not cute farm animals, but sexy, intoxicating shapes: A Mapplethorpe or Schiele nude, a life sized Jesus Christ or a toilet.

The prizes are huge and  include:
First Prize – $100 Gift Card to PEEPS & COMPANY® and a Candy Prize Pack.
Second Prize – $50 Gift Card to PEEPS & COMPANY® and a Candy Prize Pack
Third Prize – Candy Prize Pack

More candy!

Holiday party sobriety tests? There’s an app for that!

Just in time for the holiday party season, TDA and Webroot launched the Holiday Party Sobriety Test, a free mobile app for Android and iPhone devices “designed to save us all from our inebriated selves.”

Tired of being the designated driver every holiday, shuffling “The Chipster” and “Hairy Mary” in your minivan to the company Christmas party so that their kids can still have a mommy and daddy in the morning?

Created to keep us out of trouble, the app provides a series of sobriety tests that can be taken right at the party. Failure of any of the tests triggers a warning to dial it down for the rest of the evening.

Here’s what a random sampling of party-goers said they might have avoided had they had this handy holiday app:
46% said they wouldn’t have “gone out for more drinks” if they’d just taken that sobriety test.
34% said they wouldn’t have “sent a stupid text to their spouse, significant other or family member.”
26% would have avoided that “sexy dance in front of my co-workers.”
25% would never have gone home with a co-worker to continue the celebration.
18% would have skipped bussing the boss on the way out.
17% would have refrained from posting an uncomplimentary comment about the party.
15% would never have written that snarky text about the other guests.

Now, what the app doesn’t take into consideration is the amount of physical and verbal abuse you will incur from promoting sobriety at the party. Once word gets out that you are the drunk police you’re just asking for furious slaps from Hairy Mary – who is now gyrating on the bar to “Sweet Caroline.”

Image: Cutest Food, Photos by Mavis, pinguino

The post Better Living Through Publicists: Christmas Just Took a Turn for the Worse Edition appeared first on EcoSalon.