ColumnA behind-the-screen look at the consistently ridiculous inbox of a writer.
At EcoSalon, we receive our fair share of email pitches, and we’ve decided to give you a weekly peek at this valuable information inside our inboxes. These products, people, and services are 100 percent real, although we’re not always sure that they should be.
Synthetic Fragrances Will Arouse You!
Who couldn’t keep reading after seeing this: “Introducing Erox, a new unisex attraction fragrance, proven to increase feelings of arousal, excitement, and flirtiness in both female and male users.”
Erox contains a combination of pheromones, and a new revolutionary attraction compound called ER303, “a potent cocktail that has been clinically proven to increase feelings of confidence, social warmth and friendliness in both men and women.”
Wait, like Facebook in a bottle?
Erox “serves as a powerful icebreaker and puts you and your audience in an open, receptive, and friendly mood. It’s been used for dating, networking, socializing, and even some who have used it to put the spark back into their existing relationships.”
The best part of this pitch? We are told that unlike traditional fragrances, the scent will be launched, sold and marketed exclusively through nontraditional channels – social media and forum communities. “If successful, this could make a great case study on how powerful a channel social media can be for launching and selling future products.”
Like tomatoes and stylus pencils!
Sure we get it, send this to a conscious culture site: “Who are the world’s most eligible bachelors with biggest footprints?”
Carbon right? That’s why you sent this to us PeekYou?
PeekScore is a rank from 1 to 10, assigned to every person. The higher someone’s score, the “more important” they are on the web. In calculating your PeekScore and updating it often, PeekYou takes into account your known presence and activity on the Internet, including but not limited to; your blogging, participation in social networks, the number of your friends, followers, or readers, the amount of web content you create, and your prominence in the news.
Cut to the chase? Be completely obsessed with being online and and you will have no chance of ever going on a date because you’re trying to get your score up.
Not very smart.
Just Say No to Chest Wrinkles With An Uncomfortable Breast Harness!
Irene Komsky, a cosmetic nurse based in San Francisco saw that many women were interested in and investing money into ways that would eliminate those pesky lines on the cleavage area (note to self, research who these women are). That’s when she decided to create Intimia, a chest pillow to help women eliminate and prevent chest wrinkles while they slept.
What? What? What?
“Due to its adjustable straps that go across the back, Intimia fits women of all sizes and stays on comfortably throughout the night while you toss and turn. It works by separating the breasts, preventing new lines from forming, and smoothing out any existing wrinkles.”
Wait, it’s plastic and stretches my breast skin while I sleep and fits on me like a horse harness? This sounds great! Who doesn’t want attractive breast skin?
Sign me on and while you’re at it Intimia, this product of yours that has no redeeming sustainable attributes except making me more aware that I am aging, (essentially dying every day), can I still sleep on my stomach wearing it? What I’m asking is, will it leave a mark on my unwrinkled chest?