Breaking up is hard to do… well, depending on the reason you want to break up.

The whole break up thing is complicated: There’s why you say you’re breaking up with someone, and then there’s the real reason. The two usually parallel each each other, but the reason you say to their face is a fluffier version of reality. I mean, you don’t want them to feel bad about themselves – you just want to move on.

Then there are those guys you date where you think it’s going great… until he does something so unspeakably random or unthinkable that you panic. You start picturing the next 10 years of your life and wonder how often you’ll have to deal with said habit of his if you stay together. Meanwhile, you already feel as if you’ve witnessed it one time too many. So what’s a girl to do? You know, except run.

We might think break up excuses are lame and gutless, and okay they kind of are. But I for one am thankful they exist. Depending on the situation, there’s nothing better than being able to pull a kittens-and-rainbows break up excuse off the Internet at a moment’s notice.

I mean, if he were to ask you what made you come to your decision, could you imagine telling him the truth if your “reason” was triggered by any of the 20 frustrating guy habits below? I didn’t think so.

1. He holds his fork like a shovel.
2. It hit you how much he looks like Quagmire and now you can’t unsee it.
3. You feel like you’re holding him back… from ruining someone else’s life.
4. His hair is now longer than yours.
5. Video. Games.
6. He chews like Cookie Monster.
7. He liked “Sharknado.”
8. He initiates text convos, only to reply to everything with “K” and “lol”.
9. The music he listens to sounds like road construction.
10. His dirty talk makes you laugh to the point of never having sex again.
11. He pronounces it “supposebly.”
12. Instead of pulling his pants up, he pulls his shirt down.
13. He shaved his beard off and it startled you.
14. He never takes his hat off. Like, ever.
15. He uses air quotes when he’s had too much to drink.
16. He talks all the way through “America’s Next Top Model”, but shushes you when you so much as open a chip bag during “The Ultimate Fighter”.
17. His attempts at flirting are a little too… Hannibal Lecter.
18. He Instagrams all of his meals.
19. You’re starting to have nightmares about his sneaker collection.
20. Your cat doesn’t like him, which pretty much says it all.

What’s the most hilarious reason you’ve decided to break up with someone?

Related on EcoSalon

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Image: Josh James

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It’s totally normal for cyberstalker tendencies to flare up occasionally, especially post break-up. But if your dirt-digging skills are so refined Olivia Pope’s demanding you become a Gladiator, it might be time to re-evaluate.

Because the term “cyberstalker” makes us feel like we’re one step closer to becoming a bunny boiler, many of us hide in our proverbial closet, laptop in hand, scanning for the latest news on our crushes, boyfriends, or exes (or all three).

“Once we begin to check another person’s profile compulsively, the need to re-check grows stronger, especially after finding information that’s of great interest,” says psychotherapist and relationship expert Kimberly Moffit. This inevitably leads to an addiction to online stalking – and the more we avoid admitting to the habit, the stronger our inner cyberstalker gets.

“Dan Wagner of Harvard University describes this as an ‘ironic process,’” says Emma Seppala, Ph.D., Associate Director of the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University. “When we attempt to resist a certain action, the effort can easily backfire under stress. In the realm of the mind, what we resist persists.” (Crap.)

Whether you’re insecure about your relationship, determined to prove your instincts right, or just plain obsessed with your ex’s new life, let’s face it ladies: there are times when our actions deserve a face palm, am I right? “I hear from many women who are astounded and embarrassed at their own behavior,” says relationship expert April Masini.

6 Ways To Pump The Breaks on Online Stalking

If you’d like to kick your cyberstalker habit for good, try these tips on for size:

1. Make the decision to change. Most women who get in touch with Masini about online stalking aren’t just uncomfortable about their behavior, they feel terrible about what they’re doing. Once you’ve decided to change, forgive yourself for cyberstalking and purpose to put the behavior behind you.

2. Stop cyberstalking immediately. “You may feel anxiety or even panic at first, but this is just a sign of withdrawal,” says Moffit. “Checking simply leads to more checking.” Don’t set a date or write in your journal about it: just stop being a cyberstalker.

3. Check-in with yourself. Try and figure out the underlying reasons why you’re engaging in online stalking: What void is it filling? “Isolating the reason why you might be insecure, lonely, or bored will give you more insight into your own behaviors,” says Moffit.

4. Build new habits. Breaking the cyberstalker cycle takes practice. “If you’ve built a habit of looking at your ex’s Facebook profile first thing in the morning, you’ll have to create a new habit – in particular, a self-care habit,” says Seppala. “Focus on creating habits that make you feel deeply nurtured.” You’ll be less likely to look for happiness outside of yourself or in self-destructive ways.

5. Reward yourself. Every day you don’t engage in this online stalking, reward yourself in some way. Use the time you’d normally spend as an undercover cyberstalker to accomplish healthy goals, such as fixing up your apartment or going for a run.

6. Be cyberstalk-worthy. “Some women try to make their own profiles seem more happy and interesting as a way of getting their target’s attention,” says Moffit, “But what could be better than actually being happy?” When you’re leading a meaningful, satisfying life, not only won’t you want to cyberstalk, but you won’t have time to!

How do you deal with your inner cyberstalker?

Related on EcoSalon:

10 Signs It’s Time to Leave Your Relationship

Cohabitation Survival Guide: 5 Habits for Healthy Relationships

Couples Therapy: Doing What You Love Builds Healthy Relationships

Image: symic

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