20 Hilariously Horrible Reasons to Break Up with Someone

broken heart cell phone wallpaper

Breaking up is hard to do… well, depending on the reason you want to break up.

The whole break up thing is complicated: There’s why you say you’re breaking up with someone, and then there’s the real reason. The two usually parallel each each other, but the reason you say to their face is a fluffier version of reality. I mean, you don’t want them to feel bad about themselves – you just want to move on.

Then there are those guys you date where you think it’s going great… until he does something so unspeakably random or unthinkable that you panic. You start picturing the next 10 years of your life and wonder how often you’ll have to deal with said habit of his if you stay together. Meanwhile, you already feel as if you’ve witnessed it one time too many. So what’s a girl to do? You know, except run.

We might think break up excuses are lame and gutless, and okay they kind of are. But I for one am thankful they exist. Depending on the situation, there’s nothing better than being able to pull a kittens-and-rainbows break up excuse off the Internet at a moment’s notice.

I mean, if he were to ask you what made you come to your decision, could you imagine telling him the truth if your “reason” was triggered by any of the 20 frustrating guy habits below? I didn’t think so.

  1. He holds his fork like a shovel.
  2. It hit you how much he looks like Quagmire and now you can’t unsee it.
  3. You feel like you’re holding him back… from ruining someone else’s life.
  4. His hair is now longer than yours.
  5. Video. Games.
  6. He chews like Cookie Monster.
  7. He liked “Sharknado.”
  8. He initiates text convos, only to reply to everything with “K” and “lol”.
  9. The music he listens to sounds like road construction.
  10. His dirty talk makes you laugh to the point of never having sex again.
  11. He pronounces it “supposebly.”
  12. Instead of pulling his pants up, he pulls his shirt down.
  13. He shaved his beard off and it startled you.
  14. He never takes his hat off. Like, ever.
  15. He uses air quotes when he’s had too much to drink.
  16. He talks all the way through “America’s Next Top Model”, but shushes you when you so much as open a chip bag during “The Ultimate Fighter”.
  17. His attempts at flirting are a little too… Hannibal Lecter.
  18. He Instagrams all of his meals.
  19. You’re starting to have nightmares about his sneaker collection.
  20. Your cat doesn’t like him, which pretty much says it all.

What’s the most hilarious reason you’ve decided to break up with someone?

Related on EcoSalon

7 Steps to Getting Over a Breakup (That’s Totally Your Fault)

10 (More) Signs It’s Time to Break Up

12 Worst Pieces of Break Up Advice When Your Friend’s Been Cheated On

Image: Josh James

Krissy Brady

Krissy Brady is a women’s health + lifestyle writer who’s so out of shape, it’s like she has the innards of an 80-year-old. Instead of learning how to crochet, she decided to turn her emotional baggage into a writing career (genius, no?). You can follow her shenanigans on Twitter (you know, if you want).