Why you might want to reconsider calling yourself a sapiosexual on your online dating profile.

Remember back in the day when someone decided labeling guys with hygiene as “metrosexual” was a good idea? Then came “lumbersexual” to describe men who don’t shave and wear flannel. (I wish I was joking.) And now, just when you start to think, “Hey, maybe we’re finally over labeling and categorizing each other,” we decide to invent the most pretentious label of all: “sapiosexual.”

According to Urban Dictionary, sapiosexual means “one who finds intelligence the most sexually attractive feature.” It also means high school isn’t over after all—you know, as much as you’ve tried blocking the ordeal from your memory. Not only has the term become an official sexual orientation on the uber-popular dating site OKCupid, but NPR recently reported it’s become one of the site’s trendiest new terms. (Still not joking.)

I hate to break your insanely pretentious bubble, but being a sapiosexual is total BS. Intelligent people aren’t going to get in touch with you for drinks, just the wannabes parading around as intelligent people. (Which, now that I think about it, might be a good thing. Excuse me while I ponder that in my well-stuffed armchair and smoking jacket.)

Let’s disregard the fact that “sapiosexual” isn’t a legit sexual orientation and instead focus on a fact so obvious it’s surrounded by a dozen flashing arrows: Intelligence is subjective. As a sapiosexual, you should know this already. For example, I’ve always been known as the “brainer” in my crew—the straight-A student and all that jazz. But life skills? Pffft, I just learned how to make scrambled eggs about two months ago, and when I socialize I turn into Chris Farley hosting The Chris Farley Show. We’re all intelligent in some ways, and completely hopeless in others. It’s called being human.

Not only do our opinions on intelligence vary, but so do our priorities: You might be looking for a guy who can quote Simone de Bouvoir, whereas all I’m after is a guy who can explain season two of “True Detective” to me. And at the end of the day, if his double-clicking your mouse results in your vagina falling asleep, the “sapio” part of the equation won’t save him.

Online dating is nerve-wracking enough without giving someone a mental illness as they wonder if they’re coming off “sapiosexual” enough for you. And not to be a downer or anything, but what if you’re not sapiosexual enough for them? (I know, I just blew your mind and now you’re in love with me.)

In using this label, you’re adding fuel to an already hypocritical fire: We’re constantly encouraging each other to be authentic, yet the second one of us starts coloring outside the lines, we find ways to label that person in a pathetic attempt to regain a sense of control that doesn’t exist.

Accept the fact that you have no idea what you’re looking for in a plus one. Accept the fact that none of us know what we’re doing in life. Accept the fact that we’re all full of shit (yes, including me). And accept the fact that the person you end up falling in love with is never the type you’d expect—and that if it weren’t true, you wouldn’t want to fall in love anyway.

How do you feel about the latest online dating buzzword du jour?

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If you’re a single woman, (or have been single in the past eight to 10 years, or so) you’ve probably given online dating a shot. Whether you’ve shelled out some cash for sites, such as Match.com, or just gone the free route by signing up for OKCupid, or Tinder, I bet you’ve received more than a few creepy messages from dudes. It just comes with the territory, which is quite unfortunate.

After all, online dating isn’t all bad experiences and creepy threats. I’ve been off and on dating websites for the past five years or so. (Most recently on, though — single ladies represent!) And the majority of my long-term, happy relationships have come from meetings from these sites. But for every lovely message I get from a man who shares my love of horror and music, there are probably three more that are creepy, gross, or just plain disrespectful. “I want to f*** you up against a wall because you’re so hot, but then kiss you gently because you’re so cute,” is just one of the banner messages I’ve received while traversing the land of online dating.

I, like many women, have had to deal with scads of emails from men who flip when I don’t respond to their messages within 24 hours. Also: Emails about how “hot” I am – I don’t even need to talk! Then there are the dick pics — yes — I received my very first one last week. I feel like I deserve a prize, or something. Here are the few other gems I’ve received over the past week and a half:

Now, I haven’t let these creepy messages scare me away. I think that online dating is a great way to meet people. I’m the first to admit that I stink at attracting men at bars, or traditional places where people go to meet. I still haven’t mastered that whole eye contact thing, yet. These sites — free and paid — give me a place to really explain who I am. And let’s face it — I’m a writer. So, the written — not spoken — word is my go-to “how do you do.”

While I won’t let these damaged dudes scare me away from finding a decent guy, I still hate that women, in general, are kinda “forced” to put up with this type of stuff. Sure, we can choose to block these guys, or just ignore them, but the fact that there are some men who think it’s completely acceptable to just harass women online for the hell of it is quite disturbing. What’s up with that?

Well, my best guess (along with most other womens’ best guess, too) is that guys like this want to make women feel bad for making them feel bad. OK, I get that, but if you can’t handle rejection, you probably shouldn’t be dating. Because dating, basically, is a series of rejections until you find someone you dig. It ain’t easy or for the faint of heart, but it is what it is.

So, fellas (and women who send equally yucky messages) – just stop it. We all hate rejection. Let’s just all acknowledge that this is way hard, and act like adults, OK? OK.

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What is up with these uber-strange online dating websites that’ll make you laugh (or cry)?

There are so many online dating websites available that if you’re single and don’t want to be – well, there’s just no excuse. Generic online dating websites like Match.com and OKCupid aren’t the only fish in the sea.

Maybe you have a specific fetish or ultra-picky eating habits. There are definitely online dating websites for you – you just need to dig deep enough. It’s not as hard as it used to be to find a special someone who’s into a similar brand of weird.

Here are just 11 of the unbelievably specific (and unbelievably strange) online dating websites out there:

1. AgeMatch
www.agematch.com
If you’re looking for someone older – as in, they were going through their first divorce as you were going into the fifth grade – then they’ll help you find your perfect match.

2. Ashley Madison
www.ashleymadison.com
Their slogan is “Life is short. Have an affair.” Oh. Em. Gee. If you see this website on your computer’s search history, bust out the divorce papers stat.

3. CougarLife
www.cougarlife.com
This site’s specifically for older women looking for younger men, and visiting this site was like a glimpse into my future.

4. Darwin Dating
www.darwindating.com
Darwin Dating is for good-looking people only (with a double-underline under only, in case you didn’t see it the first time). They actually have a list of banned characteristics – a middle part, pasty skin, and saggy anything to name a few. If you’re not sure that you make the cut, members will vote on your hotness… perfect for if you don’t have enough self-esteem issues.

5. DiaperMates
www.diapermates.com
If you’re into being an adult baby, or just plain enjoy wearing diapers… I can’t even.

6. Furry Mate
www.furrymate.com
If giant rabbit suits turn you on, Furry Mate will help you find your perfect anthropomorphic animal partner.

7. Mullet Passions
www.mulletpassions.com
An online dating website specifically for singles with a mullet and the people who appreciate these “unique trendsetters” (from the ’80s) – also good for fulfilling your Billy Ray Cyrus fantasy.

8. My Free Implants
www.myfreeimplants.com
This is a dating/fundraising website where wealthy men can donate money for women to score the breast implants of their dreams – and maybe fall in love with their knight in shining silicone. (I’d love to be there when they explain to the grandkids how they met.)

9. Purrsonals
www.purrsonals.com
An online dating site specifically for cat lovers where you’ll probably talk so much about your cats you’ll forget to do the dating part (at least, that’s what would happen to me).

10. VeggieDate
www.veggiedate.org
No, this isn’t for people who are into dating carrots, but fellow carrot-lovers. If you’re a vegetarian and want to meet someone with similar eating habits and beliefs, then look no further.

11. TallFriends
www.tallfriends.com
If you’re tall or have a thing for tall people, this site I can understand more than most – I’d imagine there’s nothing more boring than waiting for your sig-o to climb scaffolding just to kiss you.

What funny online dating websites have you come across?

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