Brangelina is capoot, over, finished, done, but we really couldn’t care less (okay, maybe we care just a little).

Whether or not all of the allegations of substance abuse, cheating, and disagreements over who gets to keep which multi-million dollar mansion are true (gag), one thing we know for sure is that if Brangelina stays on the road they’re headed down, Hollywood’s most overrated coveted, yeah coveted, couple is headed for splitsville.

This glamorous duo didn’t pair up without a healthy dose of drama and adversity after it was revealed that the two actually started falling for one another while Brad was still married to Jennifer Aniston. Naturally, Angelina was labeled the homewrecker, while Brad was simply the discontent husband who was trapped in a loveless marriage with a controlling spouse, but I digress. After a whopping 12 years together (which is like 100 in famous years), the world is in disbelief that Brangelina is no more.

If reading one more article about how life will just never be the same without this duo makes you seriously nauseous, especially in light of all the bigger issues and real news happening in the world today, then consider us your antacid in a belly full of spicy nachos, as we detail the many reasons why we just don’t give a rat’s behind if these two human beings call it quits. #SorryNotSorry

1. The Presidential Race

Um, hello out there! We have a female candidate running for president! Not only is this the best thing since, like, a woman’s right to actually vote, but it’s a huge leap for womankind. What’s more important than any celebrity divorce, is securing her spot in the White House, because the last thing we need is a narcissistic, misogynist ass-hat destroying the nation as we know it. Forget team Jennifer and team Angelina, and get on board with #TeamHillary.

2. Masculinity is Toxic…to the Environment

Learning that men don’t respond to eco-friendly advertising in the same way that women do was…eye-opening. Green product analysis showed marketers that women responded more positively to items that are better for the environment than males. While this isn’t completely shocking, it does present the biological idea that most women are more motherly, and therefore more apt to “take care of things,” including the environment. Maybe it’s time companies focus some attention on rebranding sustainable stuff to feature more dude-friendly symbols, like beards, grizzly bears, protein shakes, and flannel shirts. #TeamEnvironment

3. Our Justice System is Ass-Backwards

Forget Brad and Angie, an Ivy League rapist, Brock Turner, who may or may not have been beaten with sex toys by a flash mob upon his release from prison, after serving just three months for attempted rape of an unconscious woman. You know, all while there are still inmates wasting their entire lives away in jail for minor drug offenses. I don’t know about you, but this really makes my blood boil. In matters of race, sex, and the pursuit of bogus charges, our justice system seriously needs a reset. #TeamTimeShouldFitTheCrime

4. Big Banking Bloat

Er. Mah. Gerd. Wells Fargo has pulled, and will probably get away with, quite possibly one of the biggest banking scandals of all time. The two million phony accounts that were opened without permission has far outweighed any sort of celebrity tiff, but will probably be a figment of our imaginations in just a few weeks’ time. Should someone not hold these criminals accountable, this debacle will disappear from our view as quickly as that treacherous ebola outbreak. Unfortunately, execs have already received payouts into the hundreds of millions, so let’s hope #TeamHoldSomeoneAccountable actually exists.

5. Designer Crocs, People

Even the publicity stunt pulled by Christopher Kane takes higher precedence than that of Brangelina’s divorce. Not only did this guy have the cojones to send the most hated shoe in all of fashiondom down the runway, but he bedazzled them bishes, too. I think it’s safe to assume that Kane made it into the high-fashion-publicity-stunt hall of fame, while also scaring the hell out of a lot of people. #TeamSayNoToCrocs

If you didn’t have enough reasons before to not care about Brangelina’s divorce, now you do. Besides your gerbil’s birthday, what to eat for breakfast, and planning for Halloween, what are some other things you think are more important than Brad and Angie’s split? Let us know on the EcoSalon Facebook page!

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Image of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie via IB Times

The post 5 Reasons Brangelina’s Divorce is So Not Important Right Now appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnWe tend to ignore relationship dealbreakers even when the red lights are flashing and the warning sirens are screaming DON’T GO THERE! Why do we do this to ourselves?

My own list of relationship dealbreakers is long and complex. Have I ignored my top five no-no’s? Oh yes. We tend to rejigger our dealbreaker lists as we refine our “most wanted” lists – generally after breakups, when we’ve been burned yet again. It’s easy to get idealistic when you’re a single person creating a dream man (or woman) out of thin air, like a tall, dark and handsome golem for whom cuddling is a second job. (But those ideals tend to fall away in the harsh light of reality – or the alcohol-infused dark of the bar where you just met someone that seems worth taking home.)

Sexual attraction is one of the obvious reasons we ignore our relationship dealbreakers – and sure, it plays a role. But a recent study suggests that we sometimes end up dating people because we don’t want to hurt their feelings by rejecting them. This study doesn’t seem to be obviously broken down by gender, but I am guessing that more women than men have this tendency, given our “nice girl” socialization. I’m not quite sure that we can even replicate real-life scenarios in a lab, but the findings are interesting.

Our relationship dealbreakers are built, in part, on our parental complexes. We’re often attracted to both the best and worst qualities that our potential partners embody – because they remind us of our parents. This is how we first learned to love, after all – it makes sense that these markers would magnetize us to objects of desire. Doing conscious work on your parental complexes from a relatively young age is an integral part of getting what you want out of your relationships. More importantly, it may help you to avoid throwing your self-identified relationship dealbreakers out the window for the sake of companionship.

My number one relationship dealbreaker is smoking; this one applies not just to committed relationships, but to casual dating. I have an official “smokers need not apply” policy that I fiercely and protectively wield. I’ve accidentally broken it for one date, on occasion, but never more than that. Smokers are instantly kicked to the curb.

But that’s easy – smoking is just a habit, one that cannot easily be hidden from view (I have a strong sense of smell). What about when it comes to more subtle relationship dealbreakers, ones that are no less dangerous than secondhand smoke?

There was that time that I ignored the sirens going off in my head and let an ex move in with me – one who clearly had narcissistic personality disorder. This was one of those scenarios where I just knew in my heart that I could save him from himself. (Also, the sex was great.) But the joke was on me, and I lost a few years of my life to that massive mistake.

Let’s get really brave and honest about why we do this to ourselves. Are these some possible reasons you’ve made exceptions in your relationships?

1)   Loneliness

2)   Low self-esteem

3)   Muted self-awareness

4)   Peer pressure

5)   Desire to “settle”

Lists are great – I believe list-making can help you clarify your desires. But lists are not everything – you must also hone (and listen to) your intuition, if you’re truly going to avoid that next relationship that never should have been. You must move toward consciousness about what you really want and need. And there is never, ever any reason to settle. Please do exactly the opposite of what this woman says, all the time, if you want to be happy. And while you’re at it, ignore every trope from every rom-com you’ve ever seen.

We naturally crave intimacy, but we often confuse our desire to be close to someone with cultural expectations about the roles we’re supposed to play.

In a culture where motherhood is valued above all other contributions to society, it’s easy to get caught up in the idea that Mr. Right is whomever you hook up with at just around the time you begin to notice your eggs dwindling. The early and mid-thirties are prime time for women to settle – breaking all their previously agreed-to relationship dealbreakers. This is not to say that if you really want to have babies, you should ignore those urges. There are other ways to go about it — you don’t have to settle for Mr. Kinda Okay just because you’re ready for the next stage of your life.

Life is short – we don’t want to waste it on people that we don’t belong with. A fifty-percent divorce rate is a fairly good indication that people are consistently ignoring what’s most important to them.

This is not to say that mistakes aren’t necessary – it’s the only way you learn. Through your twenties and early thirties, why not date terribly, terribly wrong? That’s how you figure out what you really want. You wade your way through the dating pool, take home lots of people, have some great (and probably awful) sex, and assess the landscape of your own desires. But when (and if) you want a life partner, you have to get down to the brass tacks.

I’m a major advocate for women to put sex before love, at least for a certain period of their life. I believe that all too often, we prioritize relationships and companionship and ignore our primal desires, because we’re taught that they’re not a primary for us. Dudes get the opposite message – they are taught that they have two brains, and that their genital brain can and should lead their way through life. That’s why women so often end up with long-term partners that they’re not attracted to — and suffer years (or a whole lifetime) of crappy or non-existent sex.

So come to your next relationship with your list at the ready. Know that you can and will continue to refine that list as you experience new people. Go into therapy to identify your parental complexes. And never, ever settle — because even though there’s no such thing as a perfect partner — you first objective is to be the ideal partner for yourself.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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Image: M@rg

The post Why We Ignore Relationship Dealbreakers (Even When We Know Better): Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

Women with the bad luck of being involved with men like George Zimmerman should just get a free pass on divorce, and a medal for even trying to make the marriage work.

Regardless of how you feel about George Zimmerman and his interpretation of the Second Amendment, some people are surprised to hear that he’s not husband of the year. Recently, Shellie Zimmerman, George’s wife of seven years, filed for divorce saying he was “selfish” and “verbally abusive.”  As if the recent self-defense/murder controversy weren’t bad enough, he was recently arrested detained for allegedly smashing up an iPad, and threatening both Shellie and her father with a gun.

Since the beginning, before the Trayvon Martin murder, throughout the trial, through death threats from the public, Shellie has lived with with a nervous and possibly crazy George Zimmerman who has probably never been nice to her. All the way to being threatened herself, Shellie Zimmerman stood by her man. Seems adequate, right? Divorce granted. Pin a big, platinum medal on her chest inscribed with “woman of the year” and let her move on without questioning any other reasons for divorce.

And while we’re at it, you know who else should get a free pass-divorce and/or medal? Huma Abedin – wife of Anthony Weiner, perpetual sexter of genitals and just an all around embarrassing husband; the wives of professional athletes who cheat regularly; Tina Turner if she were still married to Ike; Maria Shriver because, well, Arnold;  and anyone who decides to marry Chris Brown; Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen, and possibly Jude Law.

Not that the women have to divorce men like George Zimmerman, but we would totally understood if they did. In fact, we would probably celebrate because sometimes, it’s just best to take your losses and quit while you’re ahead…or alive. So, instead of questioning them, let’s give the women who stick by bad husbands a free pass divorce, a shiny platinum button, and a seat at the head table of the Good Riddance to Bad Husbands Club. That means you too, Shellie Zimmerman.

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Image: Wikimedia Commons

The post George Zimmerman And 8 Other Men Unworthy Of Marriage appeared first on EcoSalon.

Jill Clayburgh’s portrayal of a divorcee in the 1978  film An Unmarried Woman, helped redefine marriage and sexuality.

In 1978, Hollywood came up with its own answer to the shifting roles of women in a newly-feminist society. In An Unmarried Woman, Jill Clayburgh made real the newly-single woman, redefining her sexuality and identity after the end of her 16-year marriage.

Clayburgh scored several accolades for her role as Erica, including an Academy Award nomination. Her role epitomized the growing sexual revolution of the 1970s. Clayburgh’s Erica struggles after her husband leaves her for a younger woman, but eventually finds her voice in a renewed sense of emotional and sexual liberation.

An Unmarried Woman hits on what are now touchstones of divorce – the angry moments with a therapist, the nervous excitement of casual sex, the painful confrontations with the ex, and the touching commiseration with a disappointed child. But what was spectacular about Clayburgh’s performance is that it was the first of its kind. Never before had audiences seen a woman quite so modern as Clayburgh’s Erica.

If a woman divorced less than four decades ago, she was left in a precarious state. For instance, it was legal in this country for creditors and banks to deny credit to a woman. Women simply could not access credit in their own name – they had to apply through their husband or as an “appendage” of their spouse. In 1974, the Equal Credit Opportunity Act made it illegal for banks to deny credit based on gender, marital status, race, religion, age, nation of birth or prior residence. Divorce became more socially acceptable – but still a serious event with potentially devastation economic consequences for women.

And so, Erica became a role model for liberation. After Clayburgh died of cancer in 2010, ABC News went as far as to dubbing this the “Clayburgh Effect.” In other words, women on screen are still redefining what it means to be on their own, as evidenced by Meryl Streep in It’s Complicated or Diane Keaton in Something’s Gotta Give. To be over 35 years old and newly single is not a social death sentence, but a rich possibility for an ambitious start in middle life.

While it is more common today to see richer portrayals of mature female sexuality, woman are still defined by their age and, at times, marital status. Cultural roles continue to shift for women – which is why it’s important to remember where we came from. Waving our credit cards in our own names, we can see just how far we’ve come and how far we can still journey.

For more Jill Clayburgh, click here.

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The post Women on Film: The Scandalous Life of An Unmarried Woman appeared first on EcoSalon.

A weekly look at sex and culture, by the numbers.

I hope you’re ready to live on your own, because unless you’re a dolphin (it’ll make sense later, I promise), odds are you’re going to end up alone. With that out of the way, let’s get to our weekly batch of facts.

33: Age at which most people describe themselves as first being “truly happy”

50%: Odds a man who suspects his partner of infidelity is correct, according to a recent Australian study

85%: Odds a woman who suspects her partner of infidelity is correct

$120,000: Budget NOM allocated in 2009 to locate “children of gay parents willing to speak on camera” against same-sex marriage

52%: Percentage of Jewish marriages from relationships that began online that originated at JDate

5.5 million: people under the age of 35 who live alone

11 million: people over the age of 65 who live alone

120: Number of dolphins in a recent study detailing their previously unknown “extensively bisexual” behavior

The post Sex by Numbers: Dolphins Are Swingers Too Edition appeared first on EcoSalon.

Def Leopard said it best: love bites. If not for the interior decorator at the end of the tunnel, that is.

Imagine retuning home to find your house devoid not only of your ex-live-in’s personal effects, but the living room furniture the two of you had purchased (sniff, together) not that long ago. That damn couch, the source of so many arguments. That wretched upholstery, so many moons spent arguing over this print or that. The cushions that might or might not have precipitated the end of your love affair. All gone.

So tragic.

But consider the silver lining. Breakups and divorce offer rare opportunities for personal reinvention and boundless career opportunities for lawyers, mediators, real estate agents, brokers…and interior designers.

Emily Weinstein of The New York Times profiled nearly half a dozen designers to the suddenly single style hounds that “found [their] niche after realizing there was one kind of client [they] preferred over all others: the divorced man.”

Why men? Because as one designer put it, “a huge percentage of them leave the matrimonial home and live in dumps [with]…old hand-me-down furniture that was in the basement.”

They’ve got grandma’s living room set, college relics, “and they don’t have a clue how to pull it together.” Some haven’t lived alone since freshman year. The horror.

The Times reports that there are firms that are even going beyond design, offering pantry restocking and cooking classes. All in the name of helping these affluent lonely men rebuild some semblance of a home and fast. No one wants to look like pathetic slobs in front of the kiddies.

A big chunk of Weinstein’s thesis is that when the assignment is rebuilding a home, the interior designer must transcend his or her own style predispositions and become equal parts family therapist and sexologist. And a delicate balance it is, creating a family-friendly man-cave that also doubles as a potential sex den.

How not to decorate post-divorce, unless your first name is Wilt and your last name is Chamberlain.

Take for example the five-bedroom Los Angeles house decorated by Susan Manrao for recently divorced Tim Geddes:

“It’s comfortable for a family, but it is not a family home,” Weinstein writes.

“People would say this house is a man’s house, but there is still a softness to it,” Geddes adds.

“If you took a woman there, you wouldn’t necessarily know there are kids,” Ms. Manrao chimes in.

The right way to hang a really big flatscreen TV.

That bodes well for guys like Geddes. After all, men head back to the alter faster than women. Men are also more likely to reap the economic benefits of remarriage and fare better financially in divorce.

Portrait of a healthily divorced man. 

Not so much. 

But what becomes of the fairer sex? According to Census numbers, recently divorced women are more likely to receive public assistance than their male counterparts. Women are also more likely to live in multigenerational homes (i.e., moving back in with her parents) and with their children in tow.

That means they’re less likely to have the disposable income to afford a professional decorator, or the inclination. For the divorcee, it’s less about rebuilding a home than it is redefining it.

In a similar trend piece on post-divorce décor, Kim Palmer of the Seattle Times writes about a woman named Wendy Berghorst. Though Berghorst and her husband had previously been featured in another paper (the Minneapolis Star Tribune’s Love Nests, wherein couples presumably tout their joint decorating triumphs), five years later she found herself as part of the fifty percent.

She rented a residence nearby, “invited a bunch of her “fun women friends” over for a painting party. She baked a coffee cake, made sandwiches and served mimosas to toast her new life. Her friends, in turn, helped her transform the house with a palette of fresh colors, selected by a friend who’s an interior designer.”

Notably, not a work-for-hire interior designer, but “a friend” who happened to be one.

Divorce gets fun with a good old fashioned painting party. 

If the Times article is any indication, the trend of boutique for-men-only services like the Sexy Bachelor Pad will continue. Another interesting tidbit to keep in mind is that while divorce rates dropped with the state of the economy, they are creeping up once again. That equals more men (fathers, particularly) who will be more willing and ready than ever to relinquish control to an interior designer’s aesthetic for the sake of making a fast, comfortable transition for their kids – and their manhood.

All the single ladies? Expect to see them lining up at Home Depot. Their post divorce décor is all about regaining individuality, control and adding a fresh coat of something new.

From the hilarious Flickr set of Kris Krüg titled: Divorce Party Camping Weekend. 

Images: Dr. John Bullas; New York Times/Laure Joliet; Puno Dostres/Pinterest; Ruffwear; Lee LeFever; Kris Krüg

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Sure, tying the knot can be done responsibly with low carbon travel and free range fare, but what about severing the bonds?

Worst case divorce scenario? A dark comedy such as The War of the Roses portraying a couple caught up in the kind of ’80s opulence that got our planet in a heap of trouble. They wrangled fiendishly over their manse and Stanfordshire figurines in a turf tussle which ultimately led to their tragic deaths. Hey, their lawyer warned them to go more gently into the fight, but who knew from green back then?

The current climate begs us to seek a more civilized split and sustainable truce with the one we once chose as a life partner. To this end, don’t look to a family lawyer to get you to greener pastures unscathed. They will tend to prolong discoveries and disclosures and red tape to rack up legal bills. You will probably squander too much of your treasured nest egg or kids’ college funds, cling to objects that can’t keep you warm at night and internalize the kind of stress that kills cells and makes you too haggard to attract a date.

Instead, suck it up and take the high road to being free at last. You can’t recycle the romance but you can empower yourself to move past fury and pain to a peaceful resolution, using lawyers as your clerks to process the fair settlement and custody plan you devise. Here are some tips for making that divorce even eco-friendlier than the wedding.

1. Be as Efficient as a Prius

Fire up that sluggish engine and act quickly to devise a settlement plan, which is easier to do in states like California with community property laws. Arrange amicable meetings with your ex over lunch to talk over dividing his and hers. Decide if you need to sell your property or do a buy out and write up your own proposals. The quicker you move, the quicker you can move on.

2. Agree to Let Go of Superficial Attachments

Follow the way of the Buddha. If you aren’t married to the sofa (don’t confuse this with the couch potato glued to Weeds on the sofa), then let him have it. Toss in a couple of throw pillows with a smile. Don’t quibble over the accumulation by deciding there is no material object that supersedes your chance at a new and better life.

3. Chill Around the Children

Chances are your little eco babes Gore and Eartha have already been overexposed to the harmful rays of friction that are causing the split. Now that you are ironing out the details, refrain from bickering and talking about loaded issues around the kids. Instead, help them heal by showing them you still have that core of friendship and can laugh with one another. Don’t dis your ex when you are with the kids because they’re bound to internalize this and spend too much of their inheritance on shrinks.

4. Keep up the Heavy Petting

Share the pet care! Our dogs and cats are part of our families and they need time with both of their parents, providing pets are allowed in our dwellings. Devise a custody sharing plan for the dog too, since it isn’t fair to let one parent get all of the love – and the walks and the poop scooping.

5.  Choose Selling over Storing

When dividing your junk, agree to sell what you cannot use rather than storing the stuff and paying monthly rentals for a space – money that could be used more wisely on dinner dates and charitable donations. Hold a sale together and split the earnings. This includes unloading sentimental objects that force you to live in the past rather than marching to your present. Take out $100 and enjoy a nice meal together, perhaps homemade in the crock or at your favorite haunt for old time’s sake. You will sleep better at night knowing you are carrying a lighter load.

6.  Take Public Transit to the Mediator’s Office

Conserve on fuel – and stress – by riding to work out the grievances. You will feel more relaxed when you arrive at the table to do battle and feel better about yourself for doing your part to spare emissions. No searching for a downtown parking space. No texting your new hottie and risking a ticket while waiting at those long lights.

7. Create a New Picture

Clinging to the old picture is what typically keeps us in a dysfunctional dying marriage. The romantic courtship, the impressive wedding pageantry, the happy family holiday greeting mailed out on December 20th each year. While validating, they keep you living in the past. Visualize a new picture, one in which you are loving your body and treating it right with good, fresh organic food, exercise and massage, thriving at work and in your relationships and giving unselfishly of yourself to your community. You’ve learned the hard way you can’t control your partners or your outcomes, but you can work on being the best you.

8.  Have the Heart to Keep Out of Each Other’s Affairs

You no longer have to check in about personal issues and it can often hurt the one you once loved. You don’t need to hear about her foray into online dating or his enviable weekend getaways. Don’t share financial statements unless it affects your settlement and avoid any co-dependency that could drag you back into a caretaking role. He was never your child. She was never your mother. You made a stab at being lovers and equal partners but it didn’t work. Now it is time to separate it all out and keep it clean with set boundaries.

9. Don’t make Friends Take Sides

Your families will automatically side with each of you but your shared friends are another story. Don’t force a weird disconnect by trashing your ex or looking to double date with the couples in your community, save for your best women and male friends who also had issues with your spouse and supported you through the process. Otherwise, try to share and share alike. It’s a groovier, more evolved approach.

10. We Are Family

You have ended a marriage and set up two households but that doesn’t mean you are no longer a family. School kids are told the politically correct message that families are different – there are ones with two mommies and two daddies, ones like Brad and Angelina’s with ethnically mixed adopted babies or with grandparents raising children. Obviously there are families with moms and dads living apart, but you can soften the blows by getting together for family occasions and playing nice. Birthdays, Bat Mitzvahs, weddings, important holidays and occasional Sunday dinners are all good chances for family time. Does this mean you still have to have your irascible, cigar-puffing father-in-law as a house guest? Hell no! Divorce has its privileges.

Images:Listal; Amazon; Goldberg; Chaquetadepollo; Summeer Poquette; Shearforce; MGifford; Carolj1; Leo Jeje; Cali4beach; Fancy This, Zero Emission Resource Organization

The post The Green Divorce: 10 Tips for an Eco Friendlier Finale appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnA weekly exploration into the sexually fascinating and provocative.

This is Abigail Wick’s first column in her new expedition of Sex By Numbers, an ongoing look into the emotional and sexual  lives of the modern day woman. Follow her weekly here for insight and inspiration as she explores the “sex” of women and the terrain they must travel.

Breaking up is a bitch. During the aftermath of a relationship, it’s critical to regard the upheaval as opportunity for empowerment and a chance to positively reshape the future.  I too try to walk the talk and at the encouragement of friends inspired by my recent courage and convictions post break-up, I’ve created a list of indispensable post-breakup musts that just might work for you too.

Write It Down: Perhaps your single-most important course of action is to write yourself a letter: Why am I no longer with this person? What can this severance teach me about myself and others? How can I leverage this breakup to emerge as a more compassionate and powerful woman? If you write it down, you prohibit yourself from forgetting, and when you’re hit with pangs of loneliness or desperation, it can be very, very easy to forget. Don’t let this happen. Consult the letter you addressed to yourself and remember.

Get Out of Town: When my long-term sweetheart and I separated, I decided to make the most of my mobility as a freelance writer. I booked it to Berlin, where I’m currently taking a three-month live/work sabbatical. Out-of-sight by no means signals out-of-mind, however, the geographic distance is a welcome salve. If journeying abroad isn’t available to you, then treat yourself to as many weekend road-trips as possible to a rejuvenating hot springs getaway or a relaxing bed-and-breakfast. And don’t make the mistake of going to visit your worried parents or blissfully betrothed little sister, it will just bum you out.

Dance-Dance Revolution: No human activity gets the blues to beat it more than dancing. With limbs flying free and your pelvis syncing with good grooves, you tap into the deepest, most-elemental parts of your body. Not to mention, moving in time with folks on the dance floor submerges your individuality, you become and belong to something greater than yourself. This combination of abandon, connection, and sweat (lots and lots of it, because of course you’re dancing to the point of happy exhaustion), reminds you that life is a miracle. Most importantly, the physical freedom you access on the dance floor mirrors your personal liberation from a romantic partnership that no longer serves you.

Forget About Flings: Don’t look for new men, but rather stick close to your girlfriends. They will ply you with champagne, reassure you you’re beautiful, and generally dispense all manner of conflicting advice. Don’t fret about your ladies’ contradictory ministrations, just let their sweet words fall over you like spring cherry blossoms dropping from their branches.

Get a Haircut: You’ve had that same style for long enough, and no matter how glossy and voluminous your locks, it will do you good to lop them off. Snipping off the end bits is a powerful symbol for eliminating emotional roadblocks and dead ends. As you negotiate your separation, do it resplendent and shorn.

Nobody Will Complain: You have 100-percent permission to go on a post-breakup bender. Don’t feel guilty, not one lick. But right after, pick yourself up and get your ass into yoga class. Nurturing health, well-being, and inner-peace is much sexier than downing too much wine. And whatever your future holds, nobody is going to complain about your hot, new yoga bod.

Pretty, Soiled Things: Tending to Plants: Even if it’s just watering the potted fern on your kitchen windowsill, plants offer roundly satisfying pleasure. Fill your living room with ivies and succulents or start a window box to grow fresh basil and mint. Better yet, join a community garden where you can sit on your haunches on a nice patch of earth while weeding strawberry plants.

Love Him: Where you focus your attention becomes your reality. If you train your thoughts on how you messed up or how he failed you, embarrassing obsessiveness and self-destruction are around the bend. Rather than creating negative neural pathways, generate useful ones. Think about the time he taught you to change a bicycle tire and be grateful for his generosity as a teacher and your finesse at fixing a flat. Remember his tenderness and protectiveness when you lost a loved one, and be glad you received his much-needed comfort. Focus on positive experiences you shared and lessons you learned from one another. Be thankful for him. Forgive him. Love him. Accept that things are different now. And move on.

Post-Modern Endings: At every moment, you are writing the story of you. Breakups are a reminder that our personal narratives are unfixed, unbound, and undefined. There are no happy endings, no packages tied-up with string, and no truth other than this: Life will throw shit at you, you will fall in the muck, and you get to choose whether or not you will pick yourself back up with dignity.

Every Morning: Every morning, tell yourself you are enlightened and then, to the best of your ability, behave like you are.

This is the latest installment in Abigail Wick’s column, Sex By Numbers, a weekly exploration into the sexually fascinating and provocative.

Image: Gandalf’s Gallery

The post Sex By Numbers: 10 Secrets To A Healthy Breakup appeared first on EcoSalon.

Virginia Wolf said a good man is hard to find – but a good valentine is even harder, at least when it comes to expressing pain, disappointment and heartbreak.

I’ve been on the hunt for several years now, perusing shelf after shelf of red-foiled, sappy cards starring personified rodents bearing heart shaped boxes of treats. They’re addressed to “my one and only,” or “better half,” but never “to the dysfunctional loafer who refuses to change the motion detector light bulbs or clean out the garage so I can park my hybrid.”

You might ask, why bother giving a card if the relationship is so strained? Guess it amounts to playing nice.

In my case, it also pleases the kids. I’m still married until “the change” and our family celebrates V-Day each year at Lovejoy’s Tea Room in  San Francisco. The high tea involves exchanging adorable cards and gifts, while getting high on cocoa and petit fours. The girls, sweet and sentimental drama teens and tweens, keep a watchful eye on what is presented.

I do my best to remain cordial and express what is authentic – the real love and gratitude I feel for a devoted father and the nostalgia I feel towards someone I had selected as a life partner, as exemplified by an unforgettable, $100,000 blowout wedding at the Fairmont. Yes, I still and always will have appreciation for the guy who does trash night every Monday, sorting through a daunting jungle of recycling, composting and landfill-bound waste.

Aimed at showing that appreciation, I found myself again standing before the vast and troubling array of roses and cupids strumming lutes, combing through the horrible selection of overwrought poetry which no longer resonates. It’s hard enough to find a sophisticated greeting for Nana or a best friend. Try something apt for the one who ruined everything.

I  visited at least five shops, including the trusty resources like Lucky, Walgreen’s, Hallmark stores, as well as little boutiques on my avenue, the vintage oriented GiGi’s and the festive Just Because. In pulling one for my bitter half, I must have gone through a few dozen before settling on two somewhat nebulous expressions of affection tinged with humor.

The first one, a deep blue background with swirls and tiny hearts, features a cupid holding what else – a heart – and smiling. It reads: “Valentine – No words could possibly describe how I feel when we’re together.” On the inside: “…at least, no words clean enough to be printed in a greeting card! Love You. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

The second card I stumbled upon at Just Because made me laugh hard out loud, just because.

This card featured two dogs on the cover in a pink and red background and no words. On the inside, it read: “True love means never having to say ‘who farted?’ Happy Valentines Day!” A bit crude, yes, but it also spoke to our years together more than the other lovey-dovey choices. And I like how it toyed with the original line from the classic romance hit of my day, Love Story.

The original line reads: “Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry.”

I think they got it wrong, having been very much in love and very desirous of hearing the words, “I’m sorry.” Why sugarcoat it? Love leads to heartburn much of the time. Love means having to say I’m sorry for the things I said or did quite frequently, along with saying “You’ve changed and it’s time to move out.” Those who don’t say it, often think it.

I suppose if I could compose my own DIY Valentine, as suggested on many frugal sites, I would be remiss not to include the message that I wish he would get up in the morning and help out while I’m running myself ragged packing organic lunches, feeding the dog, making free range eggs for breakfast and doing a myriad of tasks.

But I might also add the words, I’m sorry. I’m sorry things didn’t work out despite couples therapy, ultimatums, terse emails, date nights, pro-con lists and energy wasted begging for change. And I’ll be sorry in the winters to come, when I find myself again shopping cards and finding none addressed “to my sexy ex” articulating how crazy a divorce can get – but that we will always have candy.

A new line of greeting cards for the broken-hearted? Just think of the marketing potential. A card for the heartless boss who dumped you the same week the bank foreclosed on your house; a card for the brother who robbed you of your inheritance, reducing you to a helpless heroine in a Jane Austen tale; a card for the dude who asked out your best friend after your break up. A bad marriage or divorce is only the tip of the iceberg. Hallmark, are you listening?

images: Corinaclaire; vintage halloween collector; Snickerpuss; Impawards

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