ColumnMen tired of looking for relationships at bars should consider a yoga class for a more healthy approach.

Most of my columns are directed at the ladies, but I know plenty of men seek out Sex by Numbers to shore up on skills by which to shack up with the fairer sex, and this article is penned especially for them.

So, we all know the drill: Guy goes to bar with pocketbook in tow. Girl goes to bar with skirt slit up to there. Guy approaches girl with this offer: Let me buy you a drink. The two of them swallow down cocktails to the tune of a pretty penny and move slosh-faced from said bar to a nearby bedroom.

Or, as is more often the case, aforementioned guy and girl go their respective ways and wake up the next morning feeling a bit woozy, more than a tad guilty about the previous evening’s drunken foray, and resolve to a) never drink again, b) find a finer specimen than just somebody who is beer-glasses attractive, and c) get their ass into yoga class as partial penance, partial recovery, and partial maybe-there’s-something-more-to-life-than-getting-wasted-in-search-of-a-woman.

Yoga:  It’s the panacea for everything from flabby abs and lonely lives to emotional healing and the development of those fine pectoral muscles for which women have such a penchant.

It’s my business to promote the salutary effects of the practice – apart from my career as a freelance writer and sex columnist, I moonlight as a yoga instructor and have spent the better part of the past five years trotting the globe in search of it – from San Francisco to Southeast Asia, from Guadalajara to Germany. There is no discipline by which I swear more by than yoga and my experiences have led me to this conclusion: Classes are female-dominant and men, for purposes of both sexual and spiritual enlightenment, should consider yoga studios in an open-hearted search for a woman who is worth their time.

Here are five reasons to check out yoga:

1. According to a recent study conducted by Yoga Journal, roughly 16-million people practice yoga in the U.S. Of these, 72.2-percent are women and 27.8-percent are men. These figures are powerful, especially since yoga has historically been male-dominant domain. Western women are flocking to gurus and ashrams like never before, seeking communion with others and tapping into something greater than themselves. It’s a healthy antidote to counter-balance our society’s hyper-individualistic culture.

2. I’ve heard many a man protest that he wouldn’t be caught anywhere near a yoga class for fear of ridicule: I’m not flexible enough — I can’t even touch my toes! Yes, one aspect of the practice is cultivating a bendable body that can collapse on itself like a folding lawn chair. But there is far more to the discipline than this; stop looking for convenient, ill-informed excuses. The physical practice of yoga includes both lengthening of muscle tissue as well as strengthening — men, you already excel in this department, and won’t you look fly holding a Standing Warrior pose without so much as breaking a sweat. She’ll notice and, I promise you, she’ll like what she sees.

3. Guys often express simple nervousness about not being physically fit enough to perform and are intimidated by the thought of being so exposed. The great thing about yoga is a guiding ethos of accepting people as they are — both the rock stars and the reed-thin dorks have a place in the studio. Think about it: After a night of whiskey sours and spending three times as much money on drinks as you would paying for a yoga class, you wake up the next morning feeling like Golam. Conversely, after a session of deep-tissue muscle, good-for-you-all-over yoga, you come out fresh as the morning dew. Good girls like fresh-faced men, plain and simple.

4. The suit makes the man. You sport your business get up before an important meeting with your boss, because an outfit can help you connote a sense of command and purpose when it counts. Similarly, donning fitted, yoga appropriate attire sends a signal that what you’re doing — hitting your mat to connect with yourself and others — matters.

5. Finally, and this is imperative, do not become a creepy cruiser. Do not linger and stare at girls emerging from the dressing room. Do not hover by the purified, triple-reverse-osmosis, room temperature, lemon cucumber water cooler waiting for your shot. Do not ever, ever ogle a girl while class is in session. She is there seeking her bliss and peace, and your ocular advances will render you her object of scorn. That said, do put on a friendly face and let the post class endorphins pump you up enough to approach a girl. Tell her how much you admire Shiva or Ganesha or something. Tell her how much you admire her practice. Ask her out for organic, fair-trade Oolong at the fancy, kitschy tea-house up the block. And, most of all, just be the warm, sincere, and simply-transformed being that is the new yoga you.

Sex By Numbers is an ongoing look into the emotional and sexual lives of the modern day woman. Follow Abigail Wick weekly here for insight and inspiration as she explores the “sex” of women and the terrain they must travel.

Images: adria.richards, lululemon athletica

The post Sex by Numbers: 5 Ways Yoga Can Keep Men out of Bars appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnWhy buy the bull when you can just have it for sport?

Sex by Numbers debuted only a few short months ago, and with it has come a veritable firestorm of fierce women flooding my inbox with stories and queries. Needless to say, you people are an impressive (and sometimes scandalizing) bunch. In recent weeks, a trend emerged among this column’s readers: namely, one-night stands. Whether you’re actively relishing in its minimal-strings-attached pleasures or simply curious about how to play the field, it seems ladies are of the consensus that life might be sweeter if you adhere to this adage: Why buy the bull when you can just have it for sport?

Be it an email from a small town American housewife-cum-recent-divorcée or a globe-trotting French businesswoman, it seems casual coitus is at the forefront of everybody’s mind; and, if it’s not for you, then maybe it should be. This week’s column is a compilation of timely stats from researchers’ investigations into the world of singles and their close encounters. Without further ado, EcoSalon presents its weekly Sex by Numbers:

Maximum Pleasure, Minimum Effort

25 percent of women cite that the single most important reason for having noncommittal sex is, quite simply, that it feels good. 18 percent claim it’s their lust for adventure and the unknown. A smaller subsection, ninepercent, report that it adds a little oomph to their ego and just-needed pep in their step. Sex is a swell panacea for stress, eight percent of women report; and, all in all, having an uncomplicated squeeze for the evening just does the body good.

Making Friends Is Easy

Nearly 50 percent of women report that they meet their non-monogamous mates through friends of friends. (In other words, that tall, mustachioed man in attendance at this Friday night’s dinner party just might be the person to sidle up alongside.) Just shy of 20 percent of women say they select their short-term sweethearts at night clubs, dance halls, pubs, and bars. Online dating hookups, however, account for only one percent of surveyed populations.

The Time Is Nigh

During the bitter, below-freezing winter months, shacking up with a companion and staying indoors and under the covers makes complete sense. However, Father Christmas isn’t due for an appearance anytime soon, and nothing says Summer more than sex. 59 percent of women say their hankering for it is heightened during the warm months, and a randy 63 percent report that lovemaking is better when on vacation.

Blame It on Bad DNA

Bad as in naughty, rather than wrong – apparently, there’s more to (in)fidelity than meets the eye, and it’s encoded in your very DNA. People with a DRD4 gene variant are twice as likely to indulge in promiscuity, because thrill-seeking and dopamine-rushes go hand-in-hand.

Handsome Mug

Biologically, men might have it easier than women. Let’s say nature doesn’t endow a dude with a high aesthetic quotient – no worries, guys, because women ultimately fall in love with a man’s character, and once you win her over a handsome mug becomes less and less relevant. Not so, however, at the beginning of a relationship, especially a disposable one. Ladies are looking for the hot shit, and for every one woman wooed into a one-night stand by a man’s words, another ten report that their primary motivating factor for going home with him is his attractiveness.

You Know You’ve Done It

Nearly 75 percent of women say they’ve had sex for fun and nothing more. Remember the adage: Why buy the bull when you can just have it for sport?

Easier Said than Done

That said, women like pair bonding. A lot. Only 25 percent of women say that they are able to engage in one night stands without becoming attached just a little bit.

Sating His-&-Her Needs

Sometimes, staking out new ground for casual sex can be exhausting. When people want to maintain their singledom and at the same time take it easy, a powerful solution emerges: Friends with Benefits. This special someone doesn’t clutter your emotional life and regularly provides you with good times. An ideal arrangement with an ideal man whose presence in your life can be kept at a mostly effortless minimum – the stuff from which dreams are made.

Untied

The benefit descriptor doesn’t imply bonding. ‘Tie-signs’ include holding hands, enjoying post-coital conversation, and kissing. This distance helps minimize psychological confusion.

Fun for Everyone

About 50 percent of women say that uncommitted assignations are freeing and more exciting than having sex with a long term partner. What’s more, people often exhibit some of their kinkier predilections when spending the night with a relative stranger. Why? It’s a chance to explore your sexuality without the fun being bogged down with heavy meaning.

Sex By Numbers is an ongoing look into the emotional and sexual lives of the modern day woman. Follow Abigail Wick weekly here for insight and inspiration as she explores the “sex” of women and the terrain they must travel.

Image: Cia de Foto

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ColumnHe’s smart and strong, beautiful and brave, kind-hearted and…carnivorous.

At the dawn of a relationship, any faux pas is sufficient grounds for termination – far better to wield a blunt axe than be blinded by short-lived charms. Certain obvious criteria warrant immediate demotion from maybe-boyfriend to totally-not-lustable such as: ignorant homophobic, racist, or sexist slip-ups; failure to exhibit kindness and humanity to baristas, waiters, and people otherwise employed in the service industry; too-liberal use of ‘emoticons’ in emails, gratuitous text messages, or other similar demands on your time and patience all come to mind. Not to be too specific.

But what if the fellow is smart and strong, beautiful and brave, and an all-around incredible, kind-hearted individual? It’s this juncture of clear, mutual attraction where questions of ethics and their long-term implications make dating a stickier, less cut-and-dried issue altogether. Namely, can a principled vegan woman find it within herself to fall for a meat-eating man? Marinate on that a minute.

Let’s say you unequivocally believe that meat is murder. Now, imagine somehow reconciling that firm, clear conviction with a well-mannered, scintillating conversationalist with whom you’re on a date with at a new French restaurant who, along with a tastefully-selected bottle of Bordeaux, just ordered the foie gras starter and veal main.

As a no-turning-back vegetarian since my teenage years, I’ve never taken a long-term lover whose moral and philosophical compass regarding animal rights and welfare didn’t approximate my own. Were any of these shy and smiling boys so inclined from the outset of our relationship? No, absolutely not. But they were uniformly intelligent, curious creatures with the good sense to reexamine their ethical presuppositions and accordingly recalibrate their practical, day-to-day affairs to reflect an evolving value system.

My mission to change the hearts and minds of carnivores one-guy-at-a-time? Accomplished. Well, perhaps not quite. After breaking up, all but one, lone ex-boyfriend shortly, summarily abandoned his conscientious ways in favor of fried chicken. Gross. Hey, what better way to work out some breakup angst than to stick a fork in it? Revenge, for some, may be a dish best served medium-rare.

Older-and-wiser is perhaps the surest and truest of clichés. Age endows us (or should endow us) with the willingness to hold a magnifying glass to our  own shortcomings, frankly examining how we all can be selfish and small, prideful and petty.

This is easier said than done. In the lofty words of essayist Brillat Savarin: “There can be no warm, rich home-life anywhere else if it does not exist at the table; and in the same way there can be no enduring family happiness, no real marriage, if  a man and woman cannot open themselves generously and without suspicion one to the other over a shared bowl of soup as well as a shared caress.”

Food, from an arugula plant photosynthesizing the sun’s energy, to the farm worker who harvests the leaves, to the intimacy of a couple collaborating in the kitchen to prepare a lavish green salad, is greater than a preference for taste. Its preparation and consumption is a radical, sensual act encompassing everything from environmental sustainability to immigrant labor rights. This is to say nothing of animal welfare.

As much as a man’s virtues and joie de vivre might make my heart sing, I simply cannot conceive of spending my life – much less creating a family – with someone who chooses to overlook the implications of his morning bacon and eggs.

Love isn’t the exclusive domain of romantic partnership. Love is a choice about how you will show up in the world. Love drives my opposition to the death-penalty in America; it governs my decision to ride a bicycle rather than drive a car; and it motivates me to extend equal consideration of interest to animals. I am an animal. I am also an animal who doesn’t eat other animals.

Female animal seeks male animal who doesn’t eat animals. (Must also possess athletic build, international sensibility, and fulfilling career that makes him happy.)

Worst personal ad of all time? Maybe. Or it’s honest and realistic: the foundation of a sustainable relationship based on a commitment to common values.

A man and woman who can companionably, conscientiously dine together – not to mention cook, host festive dinner parties for friends, and indulge in regular postprandial love-making – stay together. As Brillat Savarin said, “Happiness at the table leads to happiness in bed.” And, with that, Guten appetit.

Sex By Numbers is an ongoing look into the emotional and sexual lives of the modern day woman. Follow Abigail Wick weekly here for insight and inspiration as she explores the “sex” of women and the terrain they must travel.

Image: Bolshakov

The post Can a Vegan Woman Love a Meat-Eating Man? appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnEcoSalon Columnist Abigail Wick interviews European ex-pats about the game they bring to the table.

You know you have one. That go-to friend – maybe the gay friend living in the apartment next door or your wild and crazy partner-in-crime from your days at university who always lends a willing ear when you’re afflicted with romantic woes. For whatever reason, I always tend to be that friend, and my status as a de facto relationship counselor makes my professional work as love and sex columnist seem like a foregone conclusion.

People don’t come to me because I’m especially enlightened, but because I’m an invariably passionate listener who is unafraid of dispensing the sometimes-unwelcome truth:  ‘Get over your petty jealousy;’ ‘Stop fixating your desire on a man who doesn’t return the sentiment;’ ‘He is, in actuality, an ugly and unsuccessful embarrassment, and it’s really time to refocus your attention on a better mate.’

Such advice might, in the short term, upset my friends, but the fact of the matter is that they come to me because I am willing to articulate what, in their heart-of-hearts, they already know.

Lately, I’ve been noticing that romantic partnerships are all too often plagued by negative, defeatist insecurities (‘Why aren’t I good enough?’ ‘Why doesn’t he give me more?’). By directing our attention towards perceived lack, we miss out on the opportunity to highlight what we have. This week, I decided to help set the record straight, interviewing six European ex-pats, and asking them to reflect on their best selves:  What do you bring to a romantic relationship that enriches and enhances the life of your significant other?

Sarah, Marketing, Germany

“I am adventurous and experimental, with no day being like the next. I am also incredibly trustworthy and loyal. This combination of wildness and sensitivity allows me to bring a significant other maximal joy, vibrant color, and positivity, whatever the situation.”

Norberto, Internet Technology, Portugal

“I like to provide stability and commonsense. I enjoy impetuousness in a partner, and like to bring a calm balance to the relationship. I enjoy companionship and the integration of our friends – it’s nice to share common social ties with one another.”

Francys, Tourism, Brazil

“I am understanding and opening, and deeply, sincerely care about the others well-being. I want to encourage my partner’s growth pursuit of his personal goals. I am also incredibly passionate, and throw my whole heart into a relationship, taking the time and attention to do it right.”

Alina, Photography, Ukraine

“I bring spontaneity, unexpected surprises, and even a bit of craziness into a relationship. Men who fall for me like my ability to be a leader and willingness to exercise my strength. I am also a good, cool friend. We can hang out and drink beers together, creating compatibility as friends as well as lovers.”

Andre, Sports Management, Germany

“I bring trust. She can always be sure that I am giving my word. Without this important base, the relationship would not work. She can go out and enjoy herself, and there is never any fear or lack of trust. I believe in her, and she believes in me, and we offer one another this truth.”

Elena, Art History, Russia

“I create harmony and support him in any situation. I am trustworthy, in all things, sharing with him my warmth and my heart. I also help make our home an inviting and comfortable space for our friends, with a soulful atmosphere that allows us to share meaningful time with a group of loved ones.”

Sex By Numbers is an ongoing look into the emotional and sexual lives of the modern day woman. Follow Abigail Wick weekly here for insight and inspiration as she explores the “sex” of women and the terrain they must travel.

The post Sex by Numbers: What Makes You a Great Lover? appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnHow do you maintain passion and pleasure in a romantic partnership, while at the same time navigating the ins and outs of parenting?

As a weekly relationships columnist, I regularly receive love inquiries that range from the philosophical to the salacious. This week, my friend Rachel sent an intriguing letter, asking me to ruminate on baby-making and romance: “Is it possible to maintain passion and pleasure, while at the same time parenting with a long-term  partner?”

Rachel’s question prompted me to do some detective work, investigating the nature of sex, reproduction, and its manifold meanings. From mating monkeys to full-time daddies, I’ve gathered eight sociological and biological facts to help shed some light on the confounding roles of intimacy, breeding, and the creation of culture.

1. Historically, coupledom has been an economic and societal compact; the partner’s personal needs, such as emotional well-being, sexual satisfaction, and intellectual stimulation, have long come second place. In days of yore, the survival of the marriage contract trumped an individual’s quality of life. In some ways, a miserable marriage was a good marriage, so long as it stayed intact. Modern relationships couldn’t be more different – people seek partners who challenge and excite them and they’re searching for romance that’s mutually enriching.

2. Sexless marriage, anyone? On average, married women and men who are more than 30-years-old have sex only 58 times per year. That’s about a shag a week. For the under-30 set, the number doubles, coming in at 111 times a year. For some spouses, it’s much harder, with estimates pegging 15% of married couples as sexless for as much as one year.

3. In all the animal kingdom, seahorses are the only genus in which the male gets pregnant – the female injects eggs into her lover’s pouch, and it’s here where the eggs are fertilized and nurtured until delivery. In no small feat, the male can deliver up to 1,000 babies in one go. Seahorses also happen to be traditional romantics, with many species faithful to their filly for life, (not even a tank full of available seahorse singles will tempt a loyal pair). When they mate, the couple link tails; for the duration of their love-making, the seahorses are inseparable, engaging in a whirling dervish dance amongst the sea grass and coral reefs.

4. In the past few years, the tides have turned in the U.S. For the first time ever, married couples comprise less than half of all American households. Belonging to a loving, supportive relationship is now widely regarded as healthier than being in a bleak, agonizing marriage. In the modern, cosmopolitan consciousness, love, commitment, and companionship carry more weight than a legal document. The real fun lies in the adventure.

5. We humans aren’t all that special, sharing between 95-99% functional DNA with our close cousin the Bonobo. If you think people can be merciless when it comes to harnessing sex as a tool for manipulation, why don’t you go visit your evolutionary kin for the day? For Bonobos, sexual contact is used for everything from same-sex conflict-resolution to calming infants. They have sex to release tension, sex to leaven antagonism, and sex to have fun and socialize. A promiscuous bunch, Bonobos have multiple partners, and because the women are sleeping around, the males aren’t sure which children belong to them. Obscure paternity goes a long way toward the prevention of infanticide. Doesn’t it all smack of a Shakespearean tragedy?

6. Men who are dominant in work and relationships have trouble accurately “reading” emotions when looking at pictures of people’s faces. In short, powerful men can have trouble measuring and responding to the needs of others. Studies of group behavior indicate that people tend to choose the most outspoken, arrogant individual as the leader of a group. And, once at the top, the man’s experience of dominance only reinforces his self-centeredness.

7. In Sweden, 85% of the fathers take paternal leave from their jobs and if they don’t, they face scrutiny from their friends and colleagues. Could the Swedish model signal an emergent “new masculinity?” Since the paternity-leave policy was implemented, divorce and separation rates have dropped; it’s possible that when men engage in the day-to-day requirements of parenting, they understand better the challenges of being at home with a child. The idea supporting this Swedish policy is that society mirrors the family – in order to achieve equality in society, equality must first be achieved in the home.

8. Why humans make babies isn’t mysterious. We do so because evolution and biology trigger sexual desire, sexual desire results in children and children result in the perpetuation of our species. But when considering the lived experience of actual individuals, baby-making is anathema to our quality of life. A host of academic papers demonstrate that parents are usually less happy than their childless peers; it turns out that raising children, across the board, reduces marital satisfaction. In Nobel Prize-winning economist Daniel Kahneman’s oft-cited study of working women, he found that childcare ranked almost last in pleasurability out of 19 activities. These women preferred many things to childcare, including exercising, shopping, and housework.

Images: Stacey Hedman Photography, cscott2006, Tela Chhe, Auswandern Malaysia, tab2_dawa, emilio labrador, chapmankj75, pulguita, mikebaird, the Italian voice

The post Sex by Numbers: Modern Day Romance and Breeding appeared first on EcoSalon.