Funny Father’s Day quotes that dad of yours will enjoy. No, but seriously.

1. “There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.'” -Jim Gaffigan
2. “I found out that I’m a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don’t know what I’m doing. But my kids still love me. Go figure.” -Louis C.K.
3. “I want my son to wear a helmet 24 hours a day. If it was socially acceptable I’d be the first one to have my kid in a full helmet and like a cage across his face mask.” -Will Arnett
4. “Having a kid is like falling in love for the first time when you’re 12, but every day.” -Mike Myers
5. “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” -Jon Stewart
6. “My sisters and I can still recite Dad’s grilling rules: Rule No. 1: Dad is in charge. Rule No. 2: Repeat Rule No. 1.” -Connie Schultz
7. “Having children is like living in a frat house—nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” -Ray Romano
8. “My daughter got me a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.” -Bob Odenkirk
9. “Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” -John Kinnear
10. “My father only hit me once—but he used a Volvo.” -Bob Monkhouse
11. “I have always had the feeling I could do anything and my dad told me I could. I was in college before I found out he might be wrong.” -Ann Richards
12. “By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” -Charles Wadsworth
13. “Just once on Father’s Day I wish my kids would give me a #1 Dad mug instead of one with my actual ranking.” -Andy Borowitz
14. “Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.” -Dave Barry
15. “I would give my dad what he really wants on Father’s Day, but I can’t afford to move out yet.” -Melanie White
16. “For Father’s Day we got my dad a t-shirt that says ‘Do Not Resuscitate.’ He wears it whenever mom takes him to the ballet.” -Greg Tamblyn
17. “Father’s Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.” -David Letterman
18. “Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.” -Jack Handy
19. “You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” -Jerry Seinfeld
20. “When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” -Dave Attell
21. “I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” -Rita Rudner

What are your favorite funny Father’s Day quotes?

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Funny shopping quotes to help you survive the insanity that is the holiday season.

1. “I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist.” -Tammy Faye Bakker
2. “Shopping is better than sex. If you’re not satisfied after shopping you can make an exchange for something you really like.” -Adrienne Gusoff
3. “Wal-mart… do they like, make walls there?” -Paris Hilton
4. “Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.” -Will Smith
5. “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” -Henry Youngman
6. “The quickest way to get to know a woman is to go shopping with her.” -Marcelene Cox
7. “Anyone who believes the competitive spirit in America is dead has never been in a supermarket when the cashier opens another checkout line.” -Ann Landers
8. “A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.” -Franklin P. Jones
9. “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping.” -Bo Derek
10. “The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.” -Erma Bombeck
11. “I haven’t reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.” -Ilie Nastase
12. “The woman just ahead of you at the supermarket checkout has all the delectable groceries you didn’t even know they carried.” -Mignon McLaughlin
13. “The other line moves faster.” -Etorre
14. “Buying something on sale is a special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it’s worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?” -Rita Rudner
15. “When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.” -Elayne Boosler
16. “If men liked shopping, they’d call it research.” -Cynthia Nelms
17. “Is there more to life than shopping?” -Amanda Ford
18. “I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.” -Rita Rudner
19. “I bet deep down you still wish your mom would take you clothes shopping every August for the new school year.” -Bridget Willard
20. “I like my money right where I can see it: Hanging in my closet.” -Carrie Bradshaw

What are your favorite shopping quotes?

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They’re self-absorbed, self-serving and… well, self-everything – and it’s fabulous! Here, 23 quotes about cats you can dedicate to the one who’s probably ignoring you right now.

1. “If cats could talk, they wouldn’t.” -Nan Porter
2. “There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.” -Anonymous
3. “What greater gift than the love of a cat?” -Charles Dickens
4. “Purring would seem to be, in her case, an automatic safety valve device for dealing with happiness overflow.” -Monica Edwards
5. “I wish I could write as mysterious as a cat.” -Edgar Allan Poe
6. “The cat seldom interferes with other people’s rights. His intelligence keeps him from doing many of the fool things that complicate life.” -Carl Van Vechten
7. “In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.” -Terry Pratchett
8. “Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause most inconvenience.” -Pam Brown
9. “It’s impossible to keep a straight face in the presences of one or more kittens.” -Cynthia E. Varnado
10. “My husband said it was him or the cat… I miss him sometimes.” -Anonymous
11. “I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It’s not. Mine had me trained in two days.” -Bill Dana
12. “Cats come and go without ever leaving.” -Martha Curtis
13. “There are few things in life more heartwarming than to be welcomed by a cat.” -Tay Hohoff
14. “The cat could very well be man’s best friend but wouldn’t stoop to admitting it.” -Doug Larson
15. “A catless writer is almost inconceivable. It’s a perverse taste, really, since it would be easier to write with a herd of buffalo in the room than even one cat; they make nests in the notes and bite the end of the pen and walk on the typewriter keys.” -Barbara Holland
16. “There is, incidentally, no way of talking about cats that enables one to come off as a sane person.” -Dan Greenberg
17. “You cannot look at a sleeping cat and feel tense.” -Jane Pauley
18. “Time spent with cats is never wasted.” -May Sarton
19. “Dogs have owners, cats have staff.” -Anonymous
20. “One must love a cat on its own terms.” -Paul Gray
21. “Dogs eat. Cats dine.” -Ann Taylor
22. “There is something about the presence of a cat… that seems to take the bite out of being alone.” -Louis J. Camuti
23. “As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.” -Ellen Perry Berkeley

What are your favorite quotes about cats?

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If your family’s been driving you… well, nuts, here are funny quotes about dysfunctional families to make you feel better. (Don’t mention it.)

1. All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. -W.C. Fields
2. Families are like fudge – mostly sweet with a few nuts. -Unknown
3. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. -George Burns
4. Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops. -Cary Grant
5. For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life’s list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors. -Jeff Foxworthy
6. I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it. -Mary Karr
7. I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom. -Bob Hope
8. Bleeding ulcers run in my family: We give them to each other. -Lois McMaster Bujold
9. The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. -George Carlin
10. When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them. -Emo Phillips
11. Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry. -Jerry Seinfeld
12. Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. -Chelsea Handler
13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin. -Tim Vine
14. Few mistakes can be made by a mother-in-law who is willing to baby-sit. -Anonymous
15. To encourage my little kid to eat something, I’d sometimes say: “Just pretend it’s sand.” -Anonymous
16. Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. -Sam Levenson
17. Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern… like bad wallpaper. -Friedrich Nietzsche

Are there funny quotes that best describe your dysfunctional family?

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