If you’re a single woman, (or have been single in the past eight to 10 years, or so) you’ve probably given online dating a shot. Whether you’ve shelled out some cash for sites, such as Match.com, or just gone the free route by signing up for OKCupid, or Tinder, I bet you’ve received more than a few creepy messages from dudes. It just comes with the territory, which is quite unfortunate.

After all, online dating isn’t all bad experiences and creepy threats. I’ve been off and on dating websites for the past five years or so. (Most recently on, though — single ladies represent!) And the majority of my long-term, happy relationships have come from meetings from these sites. But for every lovely message I get from a man who shares my love of horror and music, there are probably three more that are creepy, gross, or just plain disrespectful. “I want to f*** you up against a wall because you’re so hot, but then kiss you gently because you’re so cute,” is just one of the banner messages I’ve received while traversing the land of online dating.

I, like many women, have had to deal with scads of emails from men who flip when I don’t respond to their messages within 24 hours. Also: Emails about how “hot” I am – I don’t even need to talk! Then there are the dick pics — yes — I received my very first one last week. I feel like I deserve a prize, or something. Here are the few other gems I’ve received over the past week and a half:

Now, I haven’t let these creepy messages scare me away. I think that online dating is a great way to meet people. I’m the first to admit that I stink at attracting men at bars, or traditional places where people go to meet. I still haven’t mastered that whole eye contact thing, yet. These sites — free and paid — give me a place to really explain who I am. And let’s face it — I’m a writer. So, the written — not spoken — word is my go-to “how do you do.”

While I won’t let these damaged dudes scare me away from finding a decent guy, I still hate that women, in general, are kinda “forced” to put up with this type of stuff. Sure, we can choose to block these guys, or just ignore them, but the fact that there are some men who think it’s completely acceptable to just harass women online for the hell of it is quite disturbing. What’s up with that?

Well, my best guess (along with most other womens’ best guess, too) is that guys like this want to make women feel bad for making them feel bad. OK, I get that, but if you can’t handle rejection, you probably shouldn’t be dating. Because dating, basically, is a series of rejections until you find someone you dig. It ain’t easy or for the faint of heart, but it is what it is.

So, fellas (and women who send equally yucky messages) – just stop it. We all hate rejection. Let’s just all acknowledge that this is way hard, and act like adults, OK? OK.

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Image: Guian Bolisay

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ColumnSometimes female friends are more than enough to stir your heart and juice-up your mojo.

Like gravitates toward like, and in the realm of female friends, this means that my fairer-sex companions are exclusively women who inspire and encourage me to be a better version of me. I gravitate toward people who are culture makers and world changers, because they lift me up: I would much prefer to be a small fish in a big pond, because it’s only if I surround myself with greatness that I myself can grow. It’s the difference between being the best friend of the popular girl in high school and one of many maidens of some milky princess with crown jewels on her head.

The camaraderie between special girlfriends can be as thrilling as the first flush of new love and as stabilizing as a long lived romance. Especially because women, with our unique and sometimes sensitive natures, operate on a different neurochemical level with one another. Whereas men sometimes fail you in ways big and small, women can offer one another the constancy and caring that the big, gentle giants we call our boyfriends cannot.

It’s a recurring theme among my girlfriends: “If only you had a penis, you would be perfect.” Their not so veiled request to be gay with me, and the sentiment, however facetious, is mutual. This week’s Sex by Numbers is an ode to the ways in which having a platonic, all consuming girlfriend can sometimes be superior to taking a man.

She’s a Good Flirt: Pretty is as pretty does, which is to say that looks are trifling and more so a reflection of a woman’s interior state than her genetic endowment. If you dress the part, you find that you inhabit the part, and I’m speaking proverbially here. That fact of the matter is that if you foster assuredness in your own splendor and cultivate your own gifts, then you radiate that confidence and grace. The sentiment is trite, but it’s always simpler said than done.

And here is where lady friends come into play – we belong to one another only insofar as we embolden one another. A petty, insecure, bickering woman? A pal she is not. Girls gain the world when we reveal to one another our very best parts. It is a many-splendored thing to open your email inbox in the morning to find a pump-you-up word of good cheer – You’re effing hot, my darling – or to receive a mid-day text message – I love you. Women love to flirt and, in some ways, it’s just as much fun to share this with one another, because the sentiment doesn’t get bogged down in heaviness or tangled emotions. 

She’s Dreamy: Do you ever fall asleep in the arms of a man, only to drift off thinking instead about your favorite girl? I do.

She Civilizes You: Girls don’t shy away from tending to the proper, civilizing motions that make the world go round. Boys, perhaps because of embarrassment or some ridiculous notion of eschewing ‘feminizing’ activity, aren’t always game for sitting down to a traditional tea party. Call it a vestige of dressing up and playing with dolls, but the engaging in cultivated, sober conversation over a dainty spread of brie, crackers, dark chocolate and strong-steeped Earl Gray is a crowning height of civilization. And it only becomes more so when you spike your china cup with a bit of bourbon. It’s the little things that, in the end, make all the difference.

She Lavishes You: On my birthday, she surprised me with an afternoon call at my apartment, bearing a delicate, tangy strawberry tart. Before my recent trip to Paris, she again surprised me by showing up at my house, lugging with her a heaving tote bag teeming with striped silk shirts, delicate scarves, and skinny jeans—so that I could properly dress the part. For no reason at all, she dropped by my place with a little jewelry box, inside of which was a darling gold chain groaning under the weight of a cluster of pearls—so that we could both have ‘signature’ necklaces. For my big cocktail party last week, she showed up at my doorstep with a gorgeous spray of sweet-smelling, multi-hued flowers with which to decorate my dinner table. I could go on, but these examples are only a few that demonstrate the power of love and the cumulative effect of small gifts that buoy a woman with a sense of belonging and being. Dudes, take note.

She Adores You: My maxim is to never fall for a man until you’re 100-percent certain that he adores you. This commandment is a sure fire way to proactively stamp out romantic white noise and emotional complication. It’s an antidote for sanity and centeredness. It’s a safeguard against developing reckless attachment and projecting a narrative onto a waffling nave. It’s a clear-cut means to separate the wheat from the chaff. I hate bullshit, and the reason I love a solid coven of dames is that they proffer a mutual and thoroughgoing adoration and loyalty. For us ladies, the love of a woman is enduring and forever.

Sex By Numbers is an ongoing look into the emotional and sexual lives of the modern day woman. Follow Abigail Wick weekly here for insight and inspiration as she explores the “sex” of women and the terrain they must travel.

Image: Cia de Foto

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ColumnHow do you maintain passion and pleasure in a romantic partnership, while at the same time navigating the ins and outs of parenting?

As a weekly relationships columnist, I regularly receive love inquiries that range from the philosophical to the salacious. This week, my friend Rachel sent an intriguing letter, asking me to ruminate on baby-making and romance: “Is it possible to maintain passion and pleasure, while at the same time parenting with a long-term  partner?”

Rachel’s question prompted me to do some detective work, investigating the nature of sex, reproduction, and its manifold meanings. From mating monkeys to full-time daddies, I’ve gathered eight sociological and biological facts to help shed some light on the confounding roles of intimacy, breeding, and the creation of culture.

1. Historically, coupledom has been an economic and societal compact; the partner’s personal needs, such as emotional well-being, sexual satisfaction, and intellectual stimulation, have long come second place. In days of yore, the survival of the marriage contract trumped an individual’s quality of life. In some ways, a miserable marriage was a good marriage, so long as it stayed intact. Modern relationships couldn’t be more different – people seek partners who challenge and excite them and they’re searching for romance that’s mutually enriching.

2. Sexless marriage, anyone? On average, married women and men who are more than 30-years-old have sex only 58 times per year. That’s about a shag a week. For the under-30 set, the number doubles, coming in at 111 times a year. For some spouses, it’s much harder, with estimates pegging 15% of married couples as sexless for as much as one year.

3. In all the animal kingdom, seahorses are the only genus in which the male gets pregnant – the female injects eggs into her lover’s pouch, and it’s here where the eggs are fertilized and nurtured until delivery. In no small feat, the male can deliver up to 1,000 babies in one go. Seahorses also happen to be traditional romantics, with many species faithful to their filly for life, (not even a tank full of available seahorse singles will tempt a loyal pair). When they mate, the couple link tails; for the duration of their love-making, the seahorses are inseparable, engaging in a whirling dervish dance amongst the sea grass and coral reefs.

4. In the past few years, the tides have turned in the U.S. For the first time ever, married couples comprise less than half of all American households. Belonging to a loving, supportive relationship is now widely regarded as healthier than being in a bleak, agonizing marriage. In the modern, cosmopolitan consciousness, love, commitment, and companionship carry more weight than a legal document. The real fun lies in the adventure.

5. We humans aren’t all that special, sharing between 95-99% functional DNA with our close cousin the Bonobo. If you think people can be merciless when it comes to harnessing sex as a tool for manipulation, why don’t you go visit your evolutionary kin for the day? For Bonobos, sexual contact is used for everything from same-sex conflict-resolution to calming infants. They have sex to release tension, sex to leaven antagonism, and sex to have fun and socialize. A promiscuous bunch, Bonobos have multiple partners, and because the women are sleeping around, the males aren’t sure which children belong to them. Obscure paternity goes a long way toward the prevention of infanticide. Doesn’t it all smack of a Shakespearean tragedy?

6. Men who are dominant in work and relationships have trouble accurately “reading” emotions when looking at pictures of people’s faces. In short, powerful men can have trouble measuring and responding to the needs of others. Studies of group behavior indicate that people tend to choose the most outspoken, arrogant individual as the leader of a group. And, once at the top, the man’s experience of dominance only reinforces his self-centeredness.

7. In Sweden, 85% of the fathers take paternal leave from their jobs and if they don’t, they face scrutiny from their friends and colleagues. Could the Swedish model signal an emergent “new masculinity?” Since the paternity-leave policy was implemented, divorce and separation rates have dropped; it’s possible that when men engage in the day-to-day requirements of parenting, they understand better the challenges of being at home with a child. The idea supporting this Swedish policy is that society mirrors the family – in order to achieve equality in society, equality must first be achieved in the home.

8. Why humans make babies isn’t mysterious. We do so because evolution and biology trigger sexual desire, sexual desire results in children and children result in the perpetuation of our species. But when considering the lived experience of actual individuals, baby-making is anathema to our quality of life. A host of academic papers demonstrate that parents are usually less happy than their childless peers; it turns out that raising children, across the board, reduces marital satisfaction. In Nobel Prize-winning economist Daniel Kahneman’s oft-cited study of working women, he found that childcare ranked almost last in pleasurability out of 19 activities. These women preferred many things to childcare, including exercising, shopping, and housework.

Images: Stacey Hedman Photography, cscott2006, Tela Chhe, Auswandern Malaysia, tab2_dawa, emilio labrador, chapmankj75, pulguita, mikebaird, the Italian voice

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