ColumnPut away your ice buckets, darlings, because it’s time to take on a much more pleasurable challenge, one that may help you achieve better orgasms – and perhaps create a better world.

How are your orgasms, anyway? Are you having enough of them? Are you having any at all? Are they as good as they used to be? Whether single or partnered or poly, we women tend not to prioritize pleasure. Orgasm is more like the sweet icing on the cake that you hope to taste now and again, but how often do we even take a slice of cake to begin with? I want you to have your cake and eat too. And then have seconds and thirds and fourths and fifths. (Maybe the whole cake.)

I remind myself on the regular that pleasure is not a gift from the universe that’s bestowed from on high; it’s something we must offer to ourselves — something we must demand. Even if we have to use an excuse to take pleasure, or put it on our calendar like a dentist appointment, it should not be back-burnered. I’ve written about it before: orgasm is as important as brushing your teeth and taking off your makeup before bed. It’s as important as your yoga class and your kale salad. It’s both prevention and cure rolled into one. And if yours are meh, there is much you can do to have better orgasms.

Here is an abbreviated list of the health benefits of orgasm, none of which have anything to do with how good they feel:

• Reduces migraine pain

• Improves immunity (cures the common cold)

• Oxytocin = dopamine = better mood

• Regulates menstrual cycle, reduces cramps

Sometimes we don’t give ourselves pleasure because we tell ourselves we’re too tired and we can’t be bothered. The pursuit of better orgasms, or the pursuit of orgasms, period, can be a huge problem for partnered people. Solo sex is fraught when you have a partner who is supposed to be your pleasure-provider. Some people who are relatively comfortable with partnered sex retain Catholic guilt (no matter their religion) about masturbation in any form.

The list of excuses is long: I can’t reach for my orgasm because my husband/boyfriend/girlfriend is going to be jealous or angry or just annoyed. Or I had one yesterday. Or I had one last week. Or I’m too busy. Or the kids need me. Or work needs me. Or I’ll just take care of it tomorrow. Or I don’t feel attractive enough: I’m not even attracted to myself.

There are endless reasons we subconsciously “forget” to seek orgasms. Ask yourself: Is sexual shame the reason you conveniently “forget” to include pleasure in your life every day?

Some women want orgasms, or think they want them, but then try and can’t have them. Some used to have them but don’t anymore — boredom or frustration with a partner is a common cause. Anorgasmia is sadly extremely common for women. Sexual dysfunction can be physiological, but most often it’s psychological. Sometimes a woman presents as depressed, with low libido, and is given an anti-depressant as a cure – which then depletes her libido even more. Many women just throw in the towel at this stage, assuming sexual pleasure must be given up: better orgasms just aren’t in the cards. A lot of women give up at menopause, assuming that what our culture says about women of a certain age is true (hint: it’s definitely not true).

Here is what I’m proposing: that we take our orgasms, and thus our lives, to the next level with what I’m calling the #30DayOrgasmChallenge. In the spirit of recent challenges — ice bucket, cinnamon, Mentos, and Diet Coke included, some for good causes and some just absurd, I offer you the one challenge that cannot hurt you — it can only make you feel sublime. (Unless you have some kind of unfortunate sex toy fail.) You don’t have to make a video of your challenge (unless that’s how you roll).

Think of the #30DayOrgasmChallenge like a month-long telethon. You should share your milestones, if you’re so inclined. Tweet it, post on Facebook, and/or record your progress on your Tumblr. Raise money like you would for a 5k run for charity — and donate it to Lady Parts Justice or Planned Parenthood. But more important, just do it: have one orgasm a day for the next 30 days. Start whenever you feel the call, but some options are (if you’re menstruating) on the first day of your cycle or right after your period. If you’re past your reproductive years you might want to begin on the next new or full moon.

You can link to this article and post something like this: I’m taking the #30DayOrgasmChallenge to raise money for for women’s health and reproductive justice. Donate to an excellent cause, cheer me on, and I’ll update you on my daily progress!

Break out your toys, your fingers, your partner’s fingers (and other parts), your trusty bathroom faucet. Promise yourself that once a day, every single day for the next thirty days, you will make an effort to have an orgasm. Whether your current orgasms are awesomely toe-curling, boring and reliable as reruns of “Friends”, or barely there, getting into this daily practice will, if nothing else, bring you into intimate contact with what makes your pleasure tick and click. Like a yoga or meditation practice, the #30DayOrgasmChallenge deepens as it goes. Speaking of meditation, another option for your orgasms is orgasmic meditation. (Read about it here and here.)

Women are very often told that a sexual dysfunction is their fate. A very normal erosion of attraction to a long-term partner doesn’t have to end your sex life, however. That thing they told you about attraction lasting forever, as long as you have good companionship — that was a load of bunk. Science is showing us in a variety of ways how women are more libidinous than men, but not just that — that we actually require sexual variety more than men. We’ve been taught the reverse. There is a lot of unlearning to do before we can fully claim our pleasure without negotiation, handwringing, and shame.

Yet more reasons to take the #30DayOrgasmChallenge, and tell your friends to take it too. There’s no official start date, but when you begin, tweet me @ecosexuality with the hashtag #30DayOrgasmChallenge or #PleasurePractice. I’m going to do a follow up and share your stories in early October. Let’s change the world, one orgasm at a time.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

Related on EcoSalon

Do You Demand Pleasure Parity?

How To Eat your Way to Better Orgasm

Tantra 101: Sacred Sex For The Rest of Us

Image: shoothead

The post Better Orgasms For A Better Life – the #30DayOrgasmChallenge: Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

Column“How to Drive Your Man Wild in Bed” was a book I had in college. (I was clearly a student of more than just English Lit and Anthropology.) I don’t remember if I absorbed any special skills from that particular book, but one thing I’ve learned is that although sexual technique matters, it’s less important than you think it is when it comes to being good in bed.

That’s why this column isn’t about giving your boyfriend the “the best blowjob he’s ever had.” I’m all for practice makes perfect, because a good sexual skill set can be a girl’s (or boy’s) best friend. However, getting all caught up in whether you’re good in bed can be the ultimate vibe-killer. When it comes to the chaotic confluence of skin, sweat, saliva, dopamine and oxytocin that swirl together during the human sexual response cycle, thinking too much is definitely your enemy.

Cultivating comfort with your own body and awareness of sensation is more important, to start, than knowing exactly how to follow the rules dispensed by Vice or your sex manual of choice. That’s why Orgasmic Meditation is one of the best tools to put in your sexual/sensual toolbox – it heightens your awareness of each of your five senses as it brings you into closer relationship with your desire. (Think of it as yoga for your yoni.) It took you a while to perfect your downward dog, and it may take a while to boost your sexual confidence. And because sex is different with every new partner you have – it can feel like going back to school (but what a lovely class it is).

Even if your technique is absolutely flawless, body shame will almost always remove you from the moment, and your partner will know it. It’s as if a light goes out in your body, and even if you’re delivering pitch-perfect strokes or licks, you’re still just going through the motions. Sure, you can make your partner orgasm this way, but you will not be making sexual magic, let alone making love. Women may be better skilled at faking orgasm than they are at letting themselves experience orgasm, and although men tend to fall for it, I believe that somewhere deep inside they know you’re not really there anymore.

Presence is more important than precision, even if Cosmo magazine tells you it’s about how to work an ice cube with your mouth. This is why being comfortable naked, by loving yourself no matter what your shape and size, is so necessary to being “good in bed”. Pervasive images of unattainable bodies in advertising make this into a daily struggle for women, and so many of us bring that shame into our sex.

For men, the problem with presence may be more of a problem with porn. When you consume it from puberty to young adulthood and into your thirties and forties, it becomes difficult to distinguish between the real woman in your bed and the porn stars (or, increasingly, cam girls) who’ve brought you dozens–if not hundreds–of orgasms. Studies have begun to show that men are having trouble staying turned on with their partners because porn exponentially extends their taste for sexual novelty.

And not just that – more and more, porn IS a man’s sexual education. Rather than learning from experience with live partners, men try to replicate porn. Because of this, sex becomes a performance for them as well, not a merging of bodies in pursuit of pleasure. What makes the woman on the computer moan is not likely to make the real woman in your bed moan. And if she’s faking it, the cycle of sex without real presence and pleasure continues.

The crux of all of this is communication, which at first blush might sound like a very un-sexy thing. Being able to tell your partner what you want, what turns you on, how to get you there — that’s everything. Don’t assume your partner is psychic, and definitely don’t assume that he/she likes what your last partner liked, or what a person who gets paid to perform naked likes. Ask questions, and if your partner seems shy, ask again, gently. Or ask after, when there’s less pressure. But ask — definitely ask.

If you have trouble relaxing during sex, or your mind trails off, or you constantly find yourself worrying if you’re a bad kisser or you’re moving the wrong way, don’t assume that it’s hopeless. As mentioned above, Orgasmic Meditation can help with this. But so can simple breathing exercises during sex. Next time you find yourself between the sheets and not fully giving in to the experience, try some focused deep breathing. It’ll sound sexy, and will calm your parasympathetic nervous system — which will return you to the moment at hand.

Once you’ve got that down, go ahead and read Babeland’s sex how-to book, “Moregasm” — it’s full of tips and tricks.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

Related on EcoSalon

The 9 Most Empowering Sex Positions for Women

Can You Really Be “Good” At Sex?

9 Natural Ways To Spice Up Your Sex Life

The post Being Good in Bed and the Ins and Outs of Sexual Technique: Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnLast week I introduced you to Orgasmic Meditation, colloquially known as OM. Then over the weekend I got more intimate with the practice – which, I must admit, wasn’t something I jumped into with wild abandon.

I’ve thought about trying it since 2009, so hasty I was not. I’m a skeptic by nature, thus the lag time between my conceptual intrigue with OM’ing and the practical application of said knowledge.

Despite what lots of people have written about OM and OneTaste, I’m just going to say it – I’m believer now. I’ve always been something of an orgasm evangelist, but OM brings a suite of fringe benefits that your good old Big O may not offer you. I declare: aim to orgasm early and often by any means necessary, but do try OM at least once in your life – it’s worth it.

OneTaste offers classes in major cities across the country, but for the first time this past weekend, they offered their introductory course online, via livestream. This made all the difference for me, because I had some serious reticence about getting my OM on in front of a group. Aside from a few tech hiccups like buffering and Time Warner failing mid-workshop, it was all good, as they say. We got things running again just as the live demo began – and saw an OM demonstration in progress before plunging in. It is humbling and amazing to witness a real woman in real orgasm given the ubiquity of porn.

When I began practicing yoga more than ten years ago, I was most turned on by the transformative way it took me deeper into my body by teaching me to go beyond my body. I learned profound lessons about body image when I realized that my body was merely a vessel. Chanting and meditation helped me along this path, of course. In the context of a Western yoga practice, one can get easily caught up in goals – lithe limbs, strength, power, the overall coolness of one’s yoga attire – but the essence is you and your mat and your connection, through your breath, to something more universal. Oneness, if you will.

In 2014 we all live more and more outside of our bodies, as if we are mere extensions of our iPhone, ones that have taken iPads as our consorts. We need to practice mindfulness now more than ever. Silicon Alley, ironically, the people who bring us the toys that disconnect us from our bodies, have caught on to how powerful meditation can be. They tend to call it “hacking the brain” and see it as a great adjunct to capitalism. I have a different agenda, but hey – it’s cool if we use the same (orgasm) technology.

Here’s the thing – of all the meditation, yoga, and pranayama I’ve tried, just one OM session kind of trumps it all. It has something to do with the way the mind shuts off during orgasm, I’m sure. Dr. Poojah Lakshmin, a Stanford-trained physician (and a research scientist at Rutgers University) calls the OM experience, “meditation on speed.” Oh, yes – that’s it, right there.

Dr. Lakshmin explains that in the Western world, we tend to overuse our neo-cortex and underuse our limbic system. The limbic system rules our emotions – it’s where we experience emotional connection, intuition, and awareness of our bodies — sensation. Not worries about the body – awareness of what your nipples, your genitalia, your lips and toes or the small of your back feels like. The neo-cortex is our brain’s Woody Allen – it’s the bit that makes us neurotic and judgmental.

Lakshmin’s subjects are placed in MRI machines while they either self-stimulate to orgasm or are stimulated, OM-style, by a stroker. The research is still unfolding, but seems to point to a profoundly deepened and expanded experience during partnered orgasm.

Side note: heteronormativity is an issue that often comes up in stories about OM and OneTaste, but it’s hard for me to comment on the crowd at the workshop as I attended from my own living room. However, OneTaste has assured me that they are queer-friendly and actively supporting queer partners. They’ve also recently added a few queer women to their staff. Given that most strokers tend to be men, “What’s in it for the dude?” comes up a lot. I have but one purely anecdotal post-OM dude review to share: “Sophisticated & arousing.”

That OM forces us to deal with body shame, both cultural and self-imposed, is but one reason I hope it spreads far and wide. That it opens up channels of intuition and intimacy, cementing our connections with others in our deeply disconnected world — also hugely important. But most of all, for me at least, the power of OM is that it puts women’s pleasure, something that has been relegated to the back-burner of our collective to-do list for thousands of years, first. This singular factor is revolutionary. And the sensation of being aglow with tiny filaments of light beneath my skin for 24-hours straight? That was pretty good too.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Read Orgasmic Meditation and Pleasure as Practice (Part I) here.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

Related on EcoSalon

Orgasmic Meditation and Pleasure As Practice (Part I)

Sex and Intimacy: What’s Love Got to Do With It?

Tantra 101: Sacred Sex For The Rest of Us

image: galaxies and hurricanes

The post Orgasmic Meditation and Pleasure As Practice (Part II): Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.