When it comes time to give break up advice to your BFF, avoid saying these 12 things.

Your BFF’s sig-o has cheated on her, and it’s now up to you to help her piece her dignity back together. After she pours her heart out, it’s your turn to offer the ultimate in break up advice – only, your mind goes blank. I mean really, what can you possibly say that’s going to help her feel better?

As tempting as it is to put on your “Super BFF” cape and fix her life for her, it’s important to set your own feelings aside, be there as her sounding board… and you know, not say anything that’s going to make her feel worse. Like these terrible pieces of break up advice, for example:

1. “It happens to all of us.”

Your intentions are good: You’re trying to make her feel less alone, and it works… you know, until you both remember that you’ve personally never been cheated on before. Awkwarrrd.

2. “Men are such assholes.”

What you’re really saying is her beau is an asshole with no redeeming qualities – and if she decides to get back together with him, she’ll be ashamed to look at you after the fact.

3. “You’re too good for him.”

Of course she is, but she didn’t know that at the time. Mind you, at the time he wasn’t doing an entire cheerleading squad. This is the point of the conversation where she begins to wonder if she’s also too good for you.

4. “I’ve always had a bad feeling about him.”

Sure, this might be true, but what exactly is confessing this to her now going to accomplish? Either you’re going to make her feel stupid for not knowing, or you’re going to make her feel stupid for not acting on the fact that she too had the same gut instinct all along.

5. “It could be worse. He could’ve…”

I understand the whole “it could be worse” schtick is to help an upset someone put what they’re going through into perspective, but this has got to be my least favorite expression in the English language. One, it trivializes how your friend is feeling and makes it seem like she has no right to be upset, and two, it could always be worse! Even if your BFF was homeless and missing an arm, there’d still be someone to say, “It could be worse, you could be missing a leg.” Breaking News: She’s now missing her mind.

6. “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

Basically, you’re telling her there’s no way she’ll be able to trust him again and squashing any hope she might have to reconcile. Worse, making her feel like an ass hat for even considering it. She’ll now spend the rest of your convo stewing in confusion and angst.

7. “Dump his ass.”

This seems like the obvious course of action to you, whose guts haven’t been ripped out, but your friend is lost and just starting to make sense of the whole thing. Don’t push her into a hasty course of action – ride the emotional roller coaster with her and be there for her while she figures out what works best for her.

8. “Everything happens for a reason.”

Of course it does, because we make up the reason later.

9. “Sounds like someone needs a drink.”

I’ve never understood why this is the go-to solution to being cheated on. Sure, a drink or two might calm her nerves, but come drink five she’ll be sobbing into her martini about the fact that she was cheated on – and it won’t be long before you’re holding her hair back.

10. “Let’s look her up on Facebook.”

There’s no way Facebook stalking will end well. If the other woman is hot, she’ll feel ugly. If the other woman is ugly, she’ll feel ugly. On the outside, you’ll be bonding as if part of a celebrity roast, but on the inside, she’ll be secretly roasting herself.

11. “But was it like, cheating cheating?”

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!

12. “You’ll meet someone better.”

Your BFF is still drowning in the fact that she was cheated on in her last relationship (which technically isn’t even over yet) – let her feel her way through the maze of emotion before dropping the dating bomb on her fragile psyche.

What are your tips for giving break up advice?

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If you want to learn how to save a relationship before it turns into a “Blue Valentine” sequel – well, read on.

Once upon a time, you fell in love with your sig-o – and now your relationship’s turning to crap faster than you can say spinster. You’re not even sure where it started to unravel (seriously, where’s a fairy godmother when you need one?). Maybe it was the night you had to cancel your movie plans because of work. Or maybe it was when you stopped pretending to like his sister. Or maybe your priorities are changing and you haven’t admitted it to yourself.

Or maybe there wasn’t a specific moment when your relationship started swirling down the drain: Maybe nothing happened and that’s the problem. Regardless of where the funk with your sig-o started – where do you go from here?

1. Be honest with yourself
Before learning how to save a relationship, you have to go with your gut and decide: Is it worth saving? It’s not a question anyone can answer except you, and it’s not a decision you can be wishy washy about. Make sure saving the relationship is exactly what you want before forging ahead – deep down, you already know the answer.

2. Promise to let go
It’s tough to let go of what drove your relationship into a ditch, and it’s completely natural to want to protect yourself – but if you’re letting your insecurities run the show and forcing change instead of letting the process happen organically, you’re just going to drive a bigger wedge between the two of you.

3. Take note of your triggers
Become aware of the things he does (or doesn’t do) that set you off – are you really angry with him, or are his actions triggering you to feel angry with yourself? For example, do you think he’s a jerk for going out with his friends too much, or do you really think you’re the jerk for neglecting your own friendships?

4. Accept your sig-o for exactly who he is
How he chooses to live his life isn’t right or wrong – it’s just different. And aren’t your differences what drew you together in the first place? Work out ways to use each other’s differences to the advantage of your relationship instead of making them a point of contention. You connected for a reason, and those reasons are still there – they’re just underneath a giant pile of rubble (or maybe laundry).

5. Make your relationship a priority
Regardless of how busy you get, make your relationship a focal point. Do things you used to do when you first started dating. Contact each other throughout the day. Plan date nights. Your lives were just as busy when you first got together and you made it work then – so make it work now using the same strategies.

6. Remember, it’s a two-way street
Even if you’re on the same page about how to save a relationship, the only actions you’re responsible for are your own. If he doesn’t keep up his end of the bargain – well, that’s his loss. If it seems like he’s barely putting in an effort while you’re doing everything you can to make it work, it might be time to reevaluate.

What’s the best advice you’ve been given about how to save a relationship?

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ColumnHow do we tease apart the fundamental differences between jealousy and desire, when they are often literally and figuratively in bed together? It may seem impossible to avoid jealousy in relationships, but the polyamory community may be able to teach you a thing or two about the green monster.

A thread of fear, rage, humiliation, and abandonment: jealousy is a many-headed hydra that wells up in us from what feels like the primordial seat of our soul. It’s that dread rising up from your belly into your chest. It can make you feel like you’re going to disappear.

It’s easy to assume our jealousy in relationships comes from elsewhere – specifically from our partner’s behavior. After all, advice columns about jealousy tend to rehash the same tired territory. They’re often about an unusually jealous boyfriend who thinks his partner is cheating whenever she’s five minutes late, or accidentally glances at the waiter too long. (Note: that man is dangerous and you should probably leave him at the salad bar.) Can other people “make us” feel jealous? Or is this solely a projection of our own insecurities – relics of patterns that echo our relationship with our parents? What’s really beneath that terrible, if familiar sensation?

How we respond to jealousy says much about its essential source. Sometimes, if we’re with our partner, we say something cutting. If we’re alone, scanning through an exes’ flirty Facebook communiqués with “some girl” we might ask our friend to read them, seeking validation in our growing insecurity cum rage. Post-coitally, we might wonder if we performed well enough with a new or regular lover – is he/she thinking about someone else right now? Did they fantasize while we were making love?

There’s even the jealousy in relationships born of being with a partner who claims not to be jealous. (I have an ex who always said he wasn’t jealous, and it drove me nuts.)

In a culture (now a global culture) in which advertising drives our self-worth, and the concept of ownership informs every waking moment of our lives – is it such a surprise that we’d think we “own” our lovers, too? Compulsory monogamy is a product of capitalism, much the way that sneakers are a product of Nike. Your bare feet may not really need them, but boy oh boy – you believe you do in every cell of your body. Same for monogamous relationships – there’s a growing body of literature about why the marriage industrial complex was born.

You know who has a really sophisticated take on the subject of jealousy? The polyamory community. I’m not poly, but I’m intellectually with them 100 percent – they are incredibly evolved on the subject of sexuality. Think of their stance as the Paleo version of dating, mating, and relating. But even if you can’t imagine yourself ever experimenting with juggling multiple lovers at once, there’s much that these pioneers can teach you about feeling less jealous of your one and only. If anyone knows how to tame jealousy in relationships, it’s those who have multiple partners.

The best way to wrap your brain around the poly jealousy tutorial is to understand a concept that seems to have been invented by them – it’s called compersion. Compersion is defined by modernpoly.com as: “the experience of taking pleasure in the knowledge that one’s partner is experiencing pleasure, even if the source of their pleasure is other than yourself. The feeling may or may not be sexual.”

Ever felt it? There is definitely a learning curve here. Experiment – next time jealousy wells up in you, try flipping the script – what if you could feel joy instead of resentment? Much like meditation, when your mantra gets lost in a tangle of to-do lists and daily worries, you gently come back to it. Try that with compersion. Is there something your partner says or does that makes you smile? A gesture or sound or shows his/her pleasure? Now imagine yourself tasting that sweetness when he is talking to a pretty woman, and potentially enjoying it.

Here is what my poly friends have taught me about taming jealousy:

COMMUNICATE. That’s the key to everything. Don’t stew in your insecurity – talk about it, even if you feel silly. But don’t rage about it – wait until you can bring it up in a sensitive, non-accusatory way. After all – it’s probably about you, not about your partner. Remember that your feelings are rational – because they are your feelings. Don’t be mean to yourself about them. You’re working through them now and getting to the root of the dynamic.

Jealousy shouldn’t evoke guilt, but it often loops back on itself and makes you feel worse than you would if you were simply feeling jealous. Be gentle with yourself – this is a vulnerable moment. And then, when it comes back, as it inevitably will — just try it again. This ain’t your first rodeo (with jealousy) but it can be the beginning of a healthy, human, loving practice. It may do more than just heal your relationship – it could end up healing your relationship with yourself.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email  stefanie at ecosalon dot com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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Have a hate-on for your beau’s entourage? Here’s how to make sure it doesn’t cause relationship problems.

Once upon a time, you fell in love with your guy – but not his friends. Some of them are okay, while others you fantasize hitting with your car, and you’ve actually Googled “how to make voodoo dolls” with them in mind. The good news is: You’re not alone.

According to a recent study, 1 in 4 women don’t like their partner’s friends. The bad news is: 1 in 10 say that has put a strain on their relationship, and you don’t want this to be you.

There are several reasons these feelings creep to the surface:

1. You’re projecting relationship problems onto his friends.
“Take a deeper look at the relationship and what’s really bothering you,” says relationship expert April Masini. “Chances are his friends might not be so bad, you’re just upset about the dynamic between the two of you.” Sure, it’s easier to point fingers in the short run, but in the long run, it’s a waste of energy.

2. Jealousy.
Sometimes you might feel like his friends take away ‘quality time’ that should be spent with you, or they get to see a more fun-loving side to him, since you’re both so busy with the daily grind.

3. Some friends are a bad influence.
“They may be single (or married and unhappy) and urge your partner to meet women, party harder than normal, and even cheat,” says psychotherapist and relationship expert Kimberly Moffit, so then you start to wonder if your beau’s as big a jerk as his friends.

4. You’ve secretly never liked his friends, but thought if you changed him, he’d eventually change his friends.
“There’s a big difference between a guy who’s friends are exactly who they were when she met him, and a guy who’s changed his friends and behavior since she’s met him,” says Masini. “The latter usually indicates some other a problem with him or relationship problems.” Otherwise, it’s not fair to expect him to change when he never hid his friends from you to begin with.

However, there’s no reason why disliking his friends should mean relationship problems for the two of you. Here’s a survival guide for when you have to deal with these less-than-ideal dudes:

1. Reframe your perspective.
Focus less on what you feel he should get from his friendships, and ask yourself what he actually does get from them. In understanding why they’re friends, it will help you better accept his choices.

“Remember that male relationships with friends are different than ours,” says Moffit. “Often times, a man has had his BFFs since grade school, and they’re more like brothers than friends.”

2. Find common ground.
Are there things you and his friends do have in common? Focus your conversations on neutral ground to help you look past the things that make you grind your teeth.

3. At the very least, be civil.
When they pop by for a poker night, you don’t want to fill the air with hostility. Bust out your own poker face so you at least don’t come off as hostile. Your only goal is to not create tension between him and his friends, or relationship problems between him and yourself.

4. Invite your own friends into the equation.
If you have a few friends over at the same time as your guy, it’ll help you cope and stay distracted.

5. Avoid them if you need to.
If you feel like you’ve tried everything and you just can’t take it anymore – why be fake? Just be honest with your beau and tell him you’ll find something else to do with your own friends (without making him feel bad, of course).

6. Take a valium.
KIDDING.

“When it comes right down to it, you need to trust your man,” says Moffit. “Relationships are all about trust, and if your partner is doing things counter-productive to your relationship, then trust me, you can’t blame his friends – he made those choices all on his own.”

Have you ever let your sig-o’s friends cause relationship problems?

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You love him, you really do – just not the bad habits that go with him.

Okay, so everyone has their quirks: But add bad habits up over time and watch your head pop off like a cork. “If we’ve already asked them to stop, continuing these behaviors can indicate a lack of respect or care about the relationship as a whole,” says Kimberly Moffit, psychotherapist and relationship expert. “If it goes on long enough, we have a responsibility to indicate (in a serious environment) what the problem is and how it makes us feel.” If you just address it in the moment and they keep doing it, you then come off like a nag. (Fantastic.)

The other thing we have to keep in mind is this: Bad habits are hard to break, and we have to remind ourselves it’s a process. Here are 8 bad habits of his and how you can handle them better:

1. He never cleans.
We have an automatic inclination to maintain our lives and keep them organized – so when a guy comes into the picture, we pick up the slack because we don’t want to lose our personal standard of living. This comes back to bite us though, since he won’t think to do it if we’re always doing it for him. Either be straight up about divvying chores, or… stop doing them! Even if you can’t stand the mess, keep in mind that eventually neither will he.

2. He’s a smartphone junkie.
We’re all glued to our phones these days, and they’ve become known as the mistress in many relationships. This is one of those bad habits you can work on together: Create “no phone zones” so you can stay in the moment with each other and avoid feeling disconnected (which will eventually lead to actual disconnect).

3. He’s always late.
“Unfortunately, keeping people waiting on a chronic basis is either a conscious power play intended to let you know your place in the pecking order, or it’s a sign of narcissism,” says relationship expert April Masini. It gives off the impression your time isn’t as important as his. If this is a “quirk” he’s willing to work on, or if you simply tell him an earlier time so he shows up when he’s supposed to, then great – otherwise, find someone who respects your time as much as his own.

4. He’s cheap.
There’s a difference between being frugal and stingy – nobody’s a fan of bankruptcy. But if he’s cheap at the restaurant or on holidays, he’s probably stingy in other areas of the relationship too. “If you’re looking for marriage and a union that’s going to go the distance, living with someone who isn’t generous is going to tax your spirit, and your wallet,” says Masini.

5. He puts no effort into your time together.
This is an easy and understandable funk to get into, especially when you’ve been together a long time. Things like dates tend to get swept under the rug because you already know each other really well. Initiate by e-mailing him ideas about concerts and events you’d like to go to, or fun things you could try at home – but let him take the reigns and do the planning. He can’t plan what he doesn’t know you want.

6. He… well, anything to do with the toilet.
The bathroom is one of those areas where men and women tend to be polar opposites. Find compromises where possible: Agree to fully close the toilet seat between uses as your “neutral” position, give him his own set of towels and shelves that he’s responsible for, etc. Let him know what bothers you, but offer clear solutions and let him choose what he thinks will work for him too.

7. He thinks sex is the answer to everything.
Or at least, that’s what it feels like. His sex drive seems especially amplified when you’ve had a crap day, feel more disgusting than you did working at that fast food joint in college, and it’s laundry night, so there’s the whole granny panty factor. It’s best to be straight with him and just say: “When I’m in X mood, it’s just not going to happen.” At least then he’ll know, because the whole orphan face when he’s rejected is the worst.

8. He lies by omission.
Nothing is more frustrating than a lie by omission – those uber-infuriating half-truths that end up making you feel worse than an outright lie. What’s ironic is he told you a half-truth so you wouldn’t overreact or get super upset, meanwhile… ??!?!!?!?! This puts you in the lose/lose situation of a) going batshit crazy just like he didn’t want you to or b) proving him wrong by staying calm – and, you know, getting walked on.

Lies by omission need to be handled on a case-by-case basis, but if he’s constantly twisting the truth so he comes off like an innocent victim who doesn’t have a mind of his own (“I asked my stoner friend for advice and he told me to announce it on Facebook instead of tell you directly.”), then run away. Like, now.

“He is oblivious to what is going on with you,” says Elizabeth Lombardo, psychologist and bestselling author of “A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness.” “Despite what you might expect, he cannot read your mind. Be assertive if you want to talk about something.”

How do you handle your beau’s bad habits?

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Relationship boundaries are crucial for many reasons: To maintain who you are outside the relationship, respect each other’s personal space, and most importantly, to allow your relationship to grow naturally.

The second you go all type-A on your relationship is the second it will crumble. If you find yourself crossing one (or all) of the relationship boundaries below, it’s time to pull back the reigns and reclaim your sense of individuality.

1. Idealizing your mate: A recent study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships discovered that putting your partner on too much of a pedestal can negatively impact the level of intimacy in your relationship. The study found that idealized mates pull away both physically and emotionally, worried they won’t be able to live up to their partner’s expectations (especially when it comes to their abilities). While it’s good to pay homage to your sig-o’s strengths, make sure you’re being realistic with your praise, and aren’t coming off too much like a Belieber.

2. You initiate everything: If you’re always the one initiating contact and confirming plans, simmer down. “Sit on your hands and don’t be the one to initiate contact every time, or even every other time,” says relationship expert April Masini. “You’ll have a much better sense of how he really feels about you if you observe how often he contacts you. It’s a way of telling how into you he is.” This isn’t an easy habit to break, but it’ll feel liberating when you do.

3. You’ve adopted all of his interests: So much so, maintaining your own interests has taken a severe nosedive. He wants to date you, not the female version of himself. Level the playing field by taking him to do things you’re interested in too, and above all else don’t sacrifice the personal routine you’ve taken years to cultivate for the sake of spending more time with him. He’ll respect you for it, and so will you.

4. You include him in all of your plans: Can you remember the last time you visited your family or hung out with friends sans boyfriend on your arm? If you never see his friends but he always sees yours, it’s a clear indicator you’re pushing to move the relationship forward more than he is. “You’re smothering it, rather than letting it unfold naturally,” says Masini. “Give yourself the opportunity face the real status of your relationship instead of the inorganic one.”

5. More of your belongings are at his place than your own: The only time this is okay is if he’s invited you to do so. “You may think you’re being stealth, but it will backfire because you’re smothering the relationship with your encroachment,” says Masini. By doing this, you’re going to miss out on that special moment of him actually being ready to take the relationship to the next level – you know, because there’ll be a boyfriend-shaped hole in the door.

6. You feel less confident: At one time you were fierce and independent, but suddenly you find yourself becoming co-dependent and wishy-washy. Nothing will chip away at your self-esteem more than looking in the mirror and not recognizing yourself. Reconnect with all of the things that make you… well, you, and guaranteed your relationship will improve too.

7. Your bf wants you to re-connect with family and friends: If your boyfriend subtly hints and encourages you to make plans “with the girls,” this is a clear indicator that it’s time to start spreading your wings outside the relationship – otherwise, it might not last. “It’s not uncommon for the partner in a ‘smothered relationship’ to express feeling some pressure to fulfill every emotional want and need, which can be extremely stressful and take its toll on your relationship,” says psychotherapist and relationship expert Rhonda Richards-Smith, LCSW.

8. You text/IM him every 35 seconds: The occasional funny/cute message equals thoughtful and fun. An hourly update on your entire day equals bunny boiler.

Have you crossed these relationship boundaries before? How did you stop yourself?

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