The importance of Date night is not to be understated. Date night is the easiest thing you can do for your relationship. This simple routine has some insanely positive benefits for you, your sex life and your health. 

If you’ve ever been in a committed relationship, you know happily ever after isn’t ever after. In fact, a relationship takes honest effort everyday. And it’s about time we debunk our societal misbeliefs and misconstrewed perceptions, happily after doesn’t happen–and science knows how it goes.

In order to revamp our efforts, my partner and I started implementing a weekly date night. The rules were simple: every week we rotated and one of us chose a surprise activity we would do together. It could be as grand or as simple, the scale didn’t matter, as long as we stuck to it. Since our pact, we’ve found ourselves taking archery lessons, seeing plays and taking cooking classes. It didn’t really matter what did, as long as we were together and out of our disciplined routine. After only a few weeks we noticed a huge difference–we were communicating better, less stressed out about petty things, and we looked forward to our weekly escape.

It turns out there have been countless studies on what we thought was a genius idea. In fact, a study released last year from the National Marriage Project found couples who devoted time to each other at least once a week enjoy a higher quality relationship, and lower divorce rates. And were also 3.5 times happier in bed!

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The study also found couples who have regular date nights also have significantly lower overall levels of stress. Whether it has to do with the health benefits of sex, getting thoughts off your chest or just strengthening the relationship bond, those are powerful metrics we all could benefit from.

Bradford Wilcox, Director of the National Marriage Project says the studies conclusions aren’t “rocket science, but it’s an important reminder.” And that’s exactly what I found. What we were doing wasn’t revolutionary, but we just needed to remember to work on us more, not take things so seriously, and bring an exciting spark back into our lives.

As with life, a relationship doesn’t plateau. We never reach a point of extremely clarity, perfect health or nirvana that vibrates for the rest of our lives. Life is about ebb and flow. The constant effort you put into a relationship will feed back ten fold, and bring you closer over the years.

So if you are looking to foster higher levels of happiness, lower levels of stress, raise your levels of sexual satisfaction and create a greater commitment between you and your lover–this is it.

“You don’t have to swing from the chandeliers,” Dr. Helen Fisher, a scientist who studies the neurology of romantic love said in a New York Times interview. “Just go to a new part of a town, take a drive in the country or better yet, don’t make plans, and see what happens to you.”

image: nate.stevens

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ColumnA recent piece in the New York Times called “In Hookups, Inequality Still Reigns” really got my blood boiling. The premise is that college-aged women don’t get off on casual sex, while college-aged men always DO. I’m angry not just because my sisters are being deprived of pleasure and well-deserved orgasms, but also because of the ridiculously retrograde framing of the entire subject. I have to ask the Times – do you still believe we’re living in the Mad Men era?

An excerpt:

Like generations before them, many young women… are finding that casual sex does not bring the physical pleasure that men more often experience. New research suggests why: Women are less likely to have orgasms during uncommitted sexual encounters than in serious relationships.

At the same time, researchers say that young women are becoming equal partners in the hookup culture, often just as willing as young men to venture into sexual relationships without emotional ties.

“The notion of sexual liberation, where men and women both had equal access to casual sex, assumed a comparable likelihood of that sex being pleasurable,” said Kim Wallen, a professor of neuroendocrinology at Emory University who studies female desire. “But that part of the playing field isn’t level.”

Instead of unpacking WHY many young women accept mediocre sexual encounters, the author of the piece defaults to evolutionary psychology for an answer. Apparently, there are only two types of sex in this worldview – sex within a committed relationship, which more often ends in orgasm, and casual sex, which is usually a regrettable mistake. Not because pleasure parity is lacking, but rather because straying beyond the Madonna/whore binary is always going to end in disappointment. The implicit suggestion is that sexual liberation has failed all the misguided, wannabe sluts out there. Women who have casual sex aren’t having orgasms because they’re only meant to get off with their husbands, or something. It’s ridiculous and it has me incensed.

A doctor quoted in the article believes lack of practice may be part of the problem in first-time hookups– women orgasm with their regular partners because those men have learned to please them. This just furthers the patriarchal notion that we complicated creatures with our hard-to-find clitorises will never be as easy to turn on as video game consoles – and men are too lazy to bother. It’s all well and good that some men (in relationships) are willing to learn, but that’s not what’s at issue here. The question that’s not being asked is so obvious: why don’t women demand pleasure in every sexual encounter?

Women can, should, and damn it, MUST learn what pleases them when they’re young. I repeat my call that we de-stigmatize masturbation for teenage girls. When girls enter puberty they become sexual creatures with libidos. Why do we stifle this? Why are we afraid of this? Why aren’t girls given a vibrator when they’re given their first box of tampons? Sexual agency should begin when sexual feelings begin: parents need to face that tweens are on the cusp of womanhood, and all that goes along with it.

Whether you orgasm from missionary position or require digital stimulation, cunnilingus, or a good old sex toy, you need to go into your sexual encounters fully empowered by knowledge of your body. The Times article is about college-aged women, but I know that some of you in your late twenties, thirties, forties and even fifties are still allowing this kind of inequality to reign in your bedroom, both in your long-term partnerships and with one-night stands.

If you’re taking someone home or venturing to his place for the first time, do so knowing what you want and how you want it. If you’re going out with the intention of hooking up, carry not just condoms (you’re carrying those, right?) but also any other pleasure enhancers that will fit in your purse. Jimmyjane.com makes a gorgeous mini-vibe that you can discreetly tote around. Hand it to him when you get between the sheets, it’ll surely turn him on. If a guy is freaked out by your polite demand for pleasure-parity, he’s not worth it. Go back to the bar or swipe through Tinder to find someone that is.

Sexual liberation, if the revolution is to truly deliver its promise, has to come further than it already has – and that’s up to us. We’ve got to know not just what we want, but when to speak up.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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Trust is key to successful partnerships. But how do you build trust in a relationship, especially if you’ve been burned before?

A new relationship! On the one hand, you want to jump in with both feet. On the other, your momma didn’t raise no fool. You want to enjoy the ride, but if it turns out the person you’re trusting is actually a toad, you want to be prepared for that too – without sabotaging everything before it starts.

In a recent study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people who are trusting are more likely to forgive their partner’s mistakes because they remember transgressions as less severe. On the flipside, those with trust issues have the opposite reaction and remember them as more severe.

According to the study’s lead author Laura B. Luchies, your psychological reality of trust in a relationship isn’t what actually happened, but a distorted memory – when you trust your partner, you assume the betrayal is a one-time thing; when you don’t, you assume it’s a pattern of bad behavior (which is a lot harder to forgive). For those trying to build trust in a relationship, this can easily turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy: the more you try to avoid something you’re fearful of – being cheated on, turning into your mother – the more likely you are to make it a reality. Sh*t.

When it comes to trust in a relationship, you get what you give. More than that, forgiveness isn’t foolish – it’s brave. Here are seven ways to build (and maintain) trust in a relationship:

1. Trust yourself.
There’s a fine line between forgiving someone and allowing them to use you, so many of us overcompensate with a tough girl routine to avoid getting hurt – and miss out on the entire ‘trust in a relationship’ experience. When going all in, trust your ability to make the right decisions for your well-being. This will put you at ease and help you feel empowered.

2. Surround yourself with trustworthy people.
I’ve seen many couples crumble not because of the lack of trust in a relationship, but because of who the couple hung out with – lazy friends, narcissistic ones, drama queens, even ex-flings (I mean, seriously?!). Surround yourself with people you both trust and feel comfortable with – building trust in a relationship is hard enough as it is!

3. Don’t keep secrets.
If you’re going out with friends, don’t say it’s an innocent slumber party. If someone hits on you at work, don’t keep it from your partner. If you’ve messed up or get in a sticky situation, your beau needs to know that he’s the one you turn to – especially if the potential backlash involves him by association. When you make him the first person to know what’s going on in your life, he’ll do the same for you.

4. Consider your relationship a separate entity.
Leave your emotional baggage at the door. What’s happened to you in your past relationships have nothing to do with the current relationship you’re in. Use this as an opportunity to set boundaries and build trust in a relationship. It may make you uncomfortable when your partner’s co-worker flirts with him, or make him uneasy when your ex texts you. Respecting each other’s boundaries shows that you’re taking your relationship seriously and that you have top billing in each other’s lives.

5. Keep your promises.
Broken promises will never build trust in a relationship. If you say you’ll call him tomorrow, call him tomorrow. If you say you’ll meet him for lunch, be there with bells on. Of course, sometimes the day can get away from us, so if something’s causing a delay, always get in touch with a back-up plan. Don’t be a flake – a little effort goes a long way.

6. Be yourself all the time.
Face it: Eventually you’re going to have to let go of the whole brush-your-teeth-and-run-back-to-bed-like-you-woke-up-with-minty-fresh-breath thing. Gradually let him into your world by showing him that you are, in fact, human. Letting go of the small things will make you feel more comfortable to reveal your bigger quirks – especially the ones you’re not willing to budge on. Trust he’ll be supportive and offer that same support in return. Trust in a relationship is a two-way street.

7. Ask him for help.
The best part of trust in a relationship is having each other’s back. If you’re going to be late getting off work, ask him to pick up dinner. If you’re having a problem with a friend, ask him for his advice. Eventually, you’ll feel comfortable relying on each other completely.

How do you build trust in a relationship?

Related on EcoSalon:

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The post Going All In: 7 Ways to Build Trust In A Relationship appeared first on EcoSalon.

Cohabitation with your lover can be exciting and fulfilling. Everyday is an opportunity to learn compassion, acceptance and trust, and grow stronger as individuals and together as a couple. It’s a beautiful thing to grow and share with a mate, and still equally as important to keep a sense of self and individuality. Easier said than done, so here are five habits that will help you maintain healthy relationships as you explore life together.

1. Don’t compromise.

I know we always hear about the importance of compromise, but as relationship gurus know, it isn’t always such a great thing. When we want to do X, and our lover wants to do Y, it’s sometimes better for each to do what they want. You will both be happier that way. And when it comes to spending time together, decide on something you both love.

2. Make space for yourself.

Having a room (or in my case, just a nightstand) that is yours gives you a certain spacial sanctuary–somewhere you can be tidy or messy, you can keep your private things and reserve that space just for you. During cohabitation, it’s so important to set boundaries and hold a space for yourself (mentally and physically) that is truly yours.

3. Share the duties.

With any living (or even work) space comes chores. Sharing those duties and doing them together can make cleaning, or whatever the task is, fun. If sharing duties seems to be an issue during cohabitation, craft a clear plan for who does what in a give situation to help keep resentment out of the picture.

4. Communicate!

This one is huge, and is key for maintaining healthy relationships while engaged in cohabitation. Butting heads and coming into conflict is normal, and it’s healthy to stay true to your opinions. But what’s equally important is being able to listen, learn and discuss with each other openly. You should never be afraid to share an honest opinion. If the relationship is healthy, you will be able to move through it by being present and frank.

5. Continue your own healthy habits.

Yoga, meditation, running–whatever it is, don’t stop just because your lover doesn’t do those things. A release for you might not be for them and that’s okay. Keeping up your own healthy habits will make you, and your relationship, stronger. (And who doesn’t want that?)

See Also:

7 Relationship Tips for Fresh Ways to Spice Up Your Love Life

The 9 Most Empowering Sex Positions for Women: Female Sexuality Remixed 

Image: ekelly89

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