ColumnA recent piece in the New York Times called “In Hookups, Inequality Still Reigns” really got my blood boiling. The premise is that college-aged women don’t get off on casual sex, while college-aged men always DO. I’m angry not just because my sisters are being deprived of pleasure and well-deserved orgasms, but also because of the ridiculously retrograde framing of the entire subject. I have to ask the Times – do you still believe we’re living in the Mad Men era?

An excerpt:

Like generations before them, many young women… are finding that casual sex does not bring the physical pleasure that men more often experience. New research suggests why: Women are less likely to have orgasms during uncommitted sexual encounters than in serious relationships.

At the same time, researchers say that young women are becoming equal partners in the hookup culture, often just as willing as young men to venture into sexual relationships without emotional ties.

“The notion of sexual liberation, where men and women both had equal access to casual sex, assumed a comparable likelihood of that sex being pleasurable,” said Kim Wallen, a professor of neuroendocrinology at Emory University who studies female desire. “But that part of the playing field isn’t level.”

Instead of unpacking WHY many young women accept mediocre sexual encounters, the author of the piece defaults to evolutionary psychology for an answer. Apparently, there are only two types of sex in this worldview – sex within a committed relationship, which more often ends in orgasm, and casual sex, which is usually a regrettable mistake. Not because pleasure parity is lacking, but rather because straying beyond the Madonna/whore binary is always going to end in disappointment. The implicit suggestion is that sexual liberation has failed all the misguided, wannabe sluts out there. Women who have casual sex aren’t having orgasms because they’re only meant to get off with their husbands, or something. It’s ridiculous and it has me incensed.

A doctor quoted in the article believes lack of practice may be part of the problem in first-time hookups– women orgasm with their regular partners because those men have learned to please them. This just furthers the patriarchal notion that we complicated creatures with our hard-to-find clitorises will never be as easy to turn on as video game consoles – and men are too lazy to bother. It’s all well and good that some men (in relationships) are willing to learn, but that’s not what’s at issue here. The question that’s not being asked is so obvious: why don’t women demand pleasure in every sexual encounter?

Women can, should, and damn it, MUST learn what pleases them when they’re young. I repeat my call that we de-stigmatize masturbation for teenage girls. When girls enter puberty they become sexual creatures with libidos. Why do we stifle this? Why are we afraid of this? Why aren’t girls given a vibrator when they’re given their first box of tampons? Sexual agency should begin when sexual feelings begin: parents need to face that tweens are on the cusp of womanhood, and all that goes along with it.

Whether you orgasm from missionary position or require digital stimulation, cunnilingus, or a good old sex toy, you need to go into your sexual encounters fully empowered by knowledge of your body. The Times article is about college-aged women, but I know that some of you in your late twenties, thirties, forties and even fifties are still allowing this kind of inequality to reign in your bedroom, both in your long-term partnerships and with one-night stands.

If you’re taking someone home or venturing to his place for the first time, do so knowing what you want and how you want it. If you’re going out with the intention of hooking up, carry not just condoms (you’re carrying those, right?) but also any other pleasure enhancers that will fit in your purse. Jimmyjane.com makes a gorgeous mini-vibe that you can discreetly tote around. Hand it to him when you get between the sheets, it’ll surely turn him on. If a guy is freaked out by your polite demand for pleasure-parity, he’s not worth it. Go back to the bar or swipe through Tinder to find someone that is.

Sexual liberation, if the revolution is to truly deliver its promise, has to come further than it already has – and that’s up to us. We’ve got to know not just what we want, but when to speak up.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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ColumnGot a burning question for Stefanie, Ecosalon’s resident sex expert? Once a month, she’ll be doing a Sexual Healing Q & A in these pages, so whatever’s on your mind — bring it on. Today we discuss polyamory, fetishes, and what “normal” means. Email your questions to: stefanie at ecosalon dot com. Or tweet your question to @ecosexuality.

Dear Stefanie,

I’ve been hearing a lot of talk about the “polyamory” lifestyle from my hippie-dippie, kale-obsessed, yoga freak friends. God love them – they’ll try anything. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for three years – approaching four this winter. I’m not open to sharing him with anyone else – I’m pretty jealous even when a chick looks at him on the street.

The thing is, I can’t seem to get excited about having sex with him anymore – this started happening like a year and a half ago. I’ll still do it (twice a week usually) but it makes me sad that I’m not as into it as I used to be. I can still orgasm, but I miss the butterflies that I used to get when he touched me — it’s just routine now. The other thing that’s weirding me out is that I’m attracted – like really attracted — to this guy at my office, and I often fantasize about him. So if my boyfriend, whom I love and probably want to marry, wanted to share ME through polyamory– I’d be all over it. Am I actually a polyamory girl in a prudish girl’s guise? Is this preoccupation with polyamory normal? What do I do?

Signed,

Poly(anna)

Hi Poly,

First – it’s absolutely, positively normal. In our sex lives, most everything is “normal” – except activities that take place beyond consent. As I’ve written about previously, monogamy, though  it’s deeply embedded in our culture as a norm, is probably not biologically “normal” anyway. Losing your initial desire for a guy that you were once mad for is perfectly normal – and very common. Despite the fact that polyamory is trending right now (there are even TV shows about it) doesn’t mean that it’s for you, personally. The good news for all of us is that we are in the middle of what feels like a second Sexual Revolution right now – led by the LGBTQIA community, who have shown the rest of us how to live beyond the bounds of hetero-normative cultural rules. No matter how much your sexual trajectory has thus far been dictated by notions of finding the “the one” and commencing your own little happily ever after, you can find space in the new world that’s being created. This should be a healthy, happy, guilt-free space where you get to experience maximum pleasure without hurting anyone.

Typical answers for your question would go something like this: “Get a sex toy,” “try bondage,” “create space for intimacy,” etc. But you’re smart – you’ve already thought of all that. The better answer for your questions about polyamory is that communication fixes everything, even if it breaks you up. Fess up to your feelings – at least tell him that you need more in bed, to start. You don’t have to go into total confessional mode and tell him about the dude from work, especially if he’s sensitive about this sort of thing. But if you’ve been living a lie in bed with your man – faking it to please him – you’re denying yourself the pleasure that is your birthright. Don’t live your life that way for one more second.

xoStefanie

Dear Stefanie,

The guy I’m dating (dating may be too strong a word – sleeping with is more apt) is all over the map. When we first met, he was so hot (and hot for me) that I slept with him the first night. I have no shame about this – I hate those stupid “don’t give away the milk for free” types – it’s my milk and I’ll do whatever I want with it. Anyway, we’ve been seeing each other about two months, and the sex continues to be awesome. But lately in post-coital conversation he’s been saying stuff that makes me super uncomfortable. He asked me how many guys I’ve been with and I told him with no qualms. I’m thirty-four and I’ve never thought for a second that there was anything untoward about my “number.”

I have to admit that I’m kind of sexually addicted to this guy (like, I’ll always show up when he texts me because I can’t say no). Since he first asked me the question, it’s given me some pause about my history, for the first time in adult sexual life. If it were just one question I wouldn’t have thought about it again, but he’s been harping on it, and I don’t like the way his voice sounds when he talks about me and other men. He’s also into some very porn-y things, which I don’t really take issue with, but I wonder if they’re related to where he’s going with his line of questioning, because his preference is for scenes where a girl is cheating and her husband walks in. He also likes me to talk about other men while we’re having sex sometimes. It boils down to him wanting me to tell him that he’s the best I’ve ever had, I get that part of the psychology. Fine, I can do that (he’s actually kind of up there) but it’s weird. Does he have a fetish, and if so, should I be concerned?

Thanks,

Can’t Say No

Hi Can’t,

There’s a lot going on here, so you should prepare to do some thinking about what it means for not just this relationship, but your sex/love life in general. He may indeed have a fetish, which is “normal” (see above question/answer about polyamory) but can still be hard for his lovers (you, in this case) to accept. This fetish is called cuckolding. He may not realize this is an actual fetish, but it’s still worth having a conversation about – gently and lovingly. It may be best not to have this talk in your usual sexual context — try opening the dialogue about cuckolding out of bed, over a meal, fully clothed. There is often something that needs to be psychologically unpacked where a cuckolding fetish exists, but again, that doesn’t mean it’s not “normal.” If he accommodates your needs in bed, too — you may be able to live with this as long as the two of you remain lovers.

The other thing that I’d like you to look more closely at here is the way you describe yourself as “kind of sexually addicted to this guy.” It’s all well and good to be totally smitten by someone so much that you can’t get enough, but here’s an important question for you — do you have a pattern of getting addicted to new lovers that don’t quite show up for you in the same way? You say he texts, you arrive — that’s the bit that I want you to explore. If you text — will he arrive? Or will he only show up when it’s convenient for him? You are clearly sexually liberated and get a gold star for your feminism (even if you don’t call it that). But sometimes our core issues with self-esteem interfere with our sex lives, no matter how strongly we identify with what’s right, fair, just, and appropriate. That’s what you’re working on, Can’t, and I trust that you’re going to get all your needs met.

xoStefanie

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie@ecosalon.com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

Related on EcoSalon:

Slow Sex: Spring is for Shedding (Layers and Baggage)

The 9 Most Empowering Sex Positions for Women: Female Sexuality Remixed

Image: Katietegtmeyer

The post Polyamory & Cuckolding–Your Burning Questions Answered: Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnDo you know what women want?

I’m just one woman, so I can truly only speak for myself. But the ancient question of what women want has obsessed us ever since Eve was cast out of the garden for being too libidinous, and too curious. Since that moment women’s sexuality has been feared, reviled, and made into the subject of epic poems. We have been called sirens, burned at the stake for our supposed witchery, and eventually trained to be  virginal, marriageable maidens. Apparently, we can’t win — we either want it too much or not enough.

Our sexuality was so repressed, so underground, that the very idea of women’s pleasure wasn’t even a thing for American and European men until the 20th century. Women were thought to be receptacles for sperm, baby-makers, and raisers of progeny only.

In the 19th century, tightly corseted and managed by our husband-owners, huge numbers of women were diagnosed with “hysteria” (which was also explored in a 2011 Maggie Gyllenhaal movie). This was what happened when a housebound woman, often a mother, exhibited what amounted to symptoms of chronic depression, brought on by the complete repression of her sexual urges.

Her doctor’s prescription was the release of a good orgasm — however it wasn’t called an orgasm, because remember, women didn’t experience pleasure — they called it a “paroxysm.” But still, it was progress: tacit acknowledgment, at least in doctor’s offices, that clitoral stimulation was healthy and necessary.

Doctors did this by hand for years, but then the vibrator was invented in 1880 (thank you, electricity!). Vibrators were advertised as “personal massagers” and women began buying them in droves, but once the word got out about what they were really used for, they went underground again, at least until the seventies (thank you feminism!). Such is the way with women’s pleasure — once our culture realizes that it’s unceasing and liberating, it’s quickly silenced by the Shame Industrial Complex.

In the past few years a number of books exploring what women want and specifically, women’s sexuality, have emerged. There was Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality, which set the whole concept of monogamy on its head in 2010, and then Naomi Wolf’s Vagina last year. I was already heady with excitement about a new sexual paradigm. A Sexual Revolution 2.0, so to speak. And then I got my review copy of Daniel Bergner’s What Do Women Want? Adventures in the Science of Female Desire in early June. I inhaled it in a matter of hours, while sitting by the pool. It’s one of the most important books I’ve read in years. I found myself nodding as I read, and even said “YES!” out loud, alarming the man on the lounge chair next to me.

Finally, scientific proof of what I’ve known in my body since I’ve known anything — that women are deep, endless wells of sexual desire. That it is not by any means what society tells us it is. That it is animalistic, and at times base. That it is not polite. That it is not always about receptivity. That relationships and intimacy are great, but they don’t always trump casual sex. That being with the same partner for years can get boring. That it’s okay to desire others. That it’s, in fact, biologically likely that one will want to stray.

All of these things, and more, are explained in this seminal text. From rat studies to masturbation studies, Bergner presents evidence that what many women want is essentially exactly the OPPOSITE of what we’ve been told it is. Female sexuality researchers are in these pages, and the great myths of evolutionary psychology are exploded, once and finally, for the utter bunk they’ve always been.

Women have been sold a bill of goods about what we want. It’s bad enough that our body image issues are so entrenched, and that little girls begin to develop them at earlier and earlier ages. (Seven-year-olds with anorexia exist.) It’s bad enough that our relationship to the clothes we wear, the makeup we use, the way we present ourselves in public is so fraught. Male gaze continues to suck. It has us so twisted and distorted that we have to spend our lifetimes righting it. But now that we have this other layer of evidence about what’s been taken from us, we can begin to put ourselves back together again.

Our culture still tells us that sexual women are sluts, witches and bitches. Our carnal nature isn’t getting us burned at the stake anymore, but it is getting us so thoroughly slut-shamed that we bury it. Women I know, even the smartest of the lot, are so confused about what they want that they don’t even give themselves a chance to figure it out. They marry (and stay married to) men they never desired in the first place. They think that the man they’re attracted to now is the man they’ll still be attracted to in ten, twenty years. They fully buy into the the idea that men cheat because they’re horny animals, and that long-suffering women always lose, because menopause will eventually kill our sex drives. That we’re on a slow sexual decline, while our male partners are always the ones with the wandering eyes — just because they’re built that way. Others buy into the directives of Mating In Captivity — that making “dates” with your long-term partner is the way to keep the spark alive. The science in “What Do Women Want?” suggests that the spark may remain elusive, no matter how hard we work at it.

Just a week ago, the New York Times ran a piece about the poor little coeds at the University of Pennsylvania, and how “hookup” culture was ruining their chances for marriage. There is still a stigma, even for millenials out there doing their thing, experimenting, and getting off.

I hope that the publication of this book will spur a conversation about what women REALLY want. This  may completely upend everything we know — our relationships, our expectations, our long-term plans.You need to start talking with your girlfriends, your lovers, your boyfriend, your husband. I’ve talked to some guys who are a bit threatened by the concept of women wanting sex as much as, or even more, than men. But hey, they’ll get over it.

Next on my reading list is UNMASTERED: A Book on Desire, Most Difficult To Tell by Katherine Angel. Won’t you join my book club, and together we can change the world?

Image: Dbrekke

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