ColumnWhat is date rape? It’s rape. If only that was all that needed to be said.

I really feel like the question, “what is date rape?” was answered very effectively in a number of after school specials and very special episodes of TV shows back in the ‘80s and ‘90s. But it’s a question that seems to keep befuddling some people.

The most recently confused person to kick some rape knowledge our way is Richard Dawkins with this tweet: “Date rape is bad. Stranger rape at knifepoint is worse. If you think that’s an endorsement of date rape, go away and learn how to think.”

The statistics about rape are disheartening, to say the least. In January, in response to an alarming rise in reported rapes on college campuses and an alarming trend in colleges shaming women to protect their reputations, a government task force formed. It found that one in five female college students in the United States has been assaulted on campus. One in five is a huge number, and it doesn’t include unreported assaults or men who have been sexually assaulted by women or other men. And, we’re only talking about what happens on college campuses.

Okay, let’s pause. For those of you out there wondering who the hell Richard Dawkins is, here’s a brief introduction excerpted from his TED Talk bio: “As an evolutionary biologist, Richard Dawkins has broadened our understanding of the genetic origin of our species; as a popular author, he has helped lay readers understand complex scientific concepts.” He’s also well-known for conceptualizing the idea of the meme.

As we’re learning from his recent tweets, he’s not all that bright, scientific credentials aside. Before the date rape tweet, he offered this gem: “Mild pedophilia is bad. Violent pedophilia is worse. If you think that’s an endorsement of mild pedophilia, go away and learn how to think.”

Mild? What the hell kind of pedophilia is mild? And why in the world is he bringing us back to the 2012 discussion sparked by Todd Akin’s use of the phrase “legitimate rape?” How many times do we have to explain that all rape is legitimate? And why is it necessary to rank rape in terms of what “kind” is the worst?

I think what he might be getting at is that, in his opinion (which he seems to confuse for fact), being attacked and raped by a stranger would be scarier than being raped by someone you know. Maybe that’s true for him. I hope he never has the occasion to compare those two experiences to test his theory.

I’m truly trying to figure out how people don’t understand the difference between rape and sex. And it’s not just politicians and washed-up scientists who are confused (or who are masking their lack of concern with confusion), it’s leaders at our nation’s colleges, it’s women against feminism: it’s a lot of fucking people.

We have to change the cultural conversation about rape. Stop asking, “what is date rape?” In fact, stop using the word “date” in relation to the word rape. Rape is rape, whether it happens on a date, at a party, or any place else—and regardless of the sex of the attacker or the victim. Let’s just agree not to use any kind of qualifier before the word rape. Violent rape. All rape is violent. Legitimate rape. All rape is legitimate. I could go on, but I think you get where I am going with this.

So why do we care what Dawkins thinks? Because he’s not alone, and every time another person with an iota of power or influence starts this conversation, we have to respond, because for every step forward, there’s a Dawkins that seems to be saying, “Hey, let’s not take this too seriously, it’s not real rape.”

And this week, we are seeing a big step forward. On Wednesday, a bipartisan group of senators introduced first-of-its-kind legislation that, according to the New York Times, “would require schools to make public the result of anonymous surveys concerning assault on campuses, and impose significant financial burdens on universities that fail to comply with some of the law’s requirements.”

While, according to Dawkins’ logic, there should be distinctions made between “different kinds of rape,” it appears that this ground-breaking legislation is treating all rape as the singular criminal act that it is.

This is a good start, but we need to keep the conversation going because, unfortunately, rapes and rape culture don’t end after graduation.

That Happened is Libby Lowe’s weekly column for EcoSalon analyzing media, news and pop culture through a feminist lens. Keep in touch with Libby @LibbyLowe.

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ColumnABC Family’s “The Fosters” tackles late-term abortion—and gets it right.

A recent episode of “The Fosters” featuring a character getting a late-term abortion has me rethinking my regular viewing habits—unless “Stick It”,  the classic Missy Peregrym/Jeff Bridges movie about a non-conformist gymnast is on, you’ll rarely find me watching ABC Family.

In case you’re not up to date with ABC Family’s show, “The Fosters“, here’s a little background. First: J-Lo is the producer. Second: The central characters are an interracial lesbian couple (Lena and Stef), Stef’s biological son from a previous marriage and several foster children.

In this episode, Lena is 20 weeks pregnant and dreaming about her new baby. She gets sick and ends up in the hospital where she learns she is suffering from pre-eclampsia and could die if she continues the pregnancy. Because Lena has been pregnant only 20 weeks, an early delivery isn’t possible.

Despite what anti-choice groups want you to believe, this is a very realistic picture of why a woman would need a late-term abortion. Notably, only about 1 percent of women who have abortions have one after 20 weeks.

Lena wasn’t in bed thinking, “You know, I thought I wanted a baby, but I have changed my mind. I wish I had thought this through.” And because this is “The Fosters” and not “Grey’s Anatomy”, the drama wasn’t that the baby was going to be born without a brain or that Lena would die in 30 seconds without an abortion—the drama was that this is a very real, very sad, situation that a family had to face.

As Erin Gloria Ryan points out, on “The Fosters”, nobody actually uses the word “abortion;” they stick to “lost the baby.” She makes a great point in writing that most families who terminate a wanted pregnancy do so in order to save the life of the mother probably don’t use the word, either.

And it’s true. How we talk about pregnancy is directly related to how we feel about being pregnant. If a friend of mine is pregnant and excited about it, I am not going to ask, “What are you going to name the fetus once it’s a baby?” While scientifically that makes sense to me if I stop to think about it, that’s not how humans think and that would never come out of my mouth. And if someone I love has to have an unwanted abortion, my instinct would be to say, “I’m so sorry you lost the baby,” not “I’m so sorry about your abortion.”

The words “abortion” and “choice” are so totally tied together in our society that it would be cruel to refer to ending a wanted pregnancy as an abortion, even if the medical procedure is the same. While Lena on “The Fosters”, and women every day, are forced to take this option, I can’t believe it really feels like much of a choice.

I can hear the profanity-laced, poorly-spelled tweets coming at me now: “If you think abortion is cruel, why are you for it?” I don’t think abortion is cruel. I think anti-choice groups have won the linguistic battle and put a hateful spin on a word that describes a medical procedure. So, we as a culture, have adapted our language.

I am pro-choice because pregnancy is personal. The language we use to talk about pregnancy and abortion—sometimes different with friends than when speaking about our legal rights—reflects that and our laws should, too.

It would be easy to applaud “The Fosters”, but then pause to criticize the writers’ choice to leave out the word abortion, and point out that despite the lesbians and stuff, this is still ABC Family. But I think it was a deliberate, and wise, choice to make a point about why late-term abortions need to be legal and accessible.

Women who need late-term abortions don’t need a legal battle on top of the emotional one, they don’t need laws that would force them to endure a waiting period, or to cross state or county lines for access to a life-saving procedure. They need to be relieved of worrying about legality so they are free to handle emotions that no sweeping legislation can possibly understand.

That Happened is Libby Lowe’s weekly column for EcoSalon analyzing media, news and pop culture through a feminist lens. Keep in touch with Libby @LibbyLowe.

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ColumnWomen Against Feminism is proof that feminism has a branding problem.

Back in the ‘60s, it was often assumed that if you identified as a feminist, you hated men, loved armpit hair and liked to sleep with the ladies. Fast forward to 2014 and the stereotypes are largely the same.

Briefly, Riot Grrrls made feminism cool in the ‘90s, and there’s now a new wave of toys for girls that are clearly inspired by the radical idea that girls aren’t born hating math and science. But, for the most part, those things haven’t done anything to change the warped vision of a feminist in the minds of the average American.

I’ve said it before and I am sure I will say it again: Damn you, average American!

What bothers me most about Women Against Feminism is that the women with their handwritten signs declaring their ignorance are mostly young.

If the next generation is willing to accept this as women having achieved equality in our society, we’re all in trouble. You can’t see me, but I am looking around in disgust and thinking about Hobby Lobby, the pay gap,  rape on college campuses and the danger inherent in simply being a girl or woman in this world.

One of the most disturbing trends in the misguided declarations of self-hatred on the site is the idea that being a feminist has something to do with being a victim. That’s a dangerous message of false empowerment. It’s not empowering to accept the status quo. It’s not self-victimization to look at injustice and demand better.

Feminists demand equal pay, we demand control over our bodies and we demand that laws protect those rights. We live in a society built on the idea that everyone is equal—and thankfully the definition of “everyone” has evolved over the years in most people’s minds. As such, when we see inequality, it’s our job to say something. The Women Against Feminism participants are willfully ignorant if they think we live in a just society.

The debate over the word feminist comes up over and over. Should we use humanist? Womanist? What word can we use to help people embrace the concepts behind feminism if they don’t resonate with the word?

Yes, the word feminist is culturally coded, but I would argue that today, those who steer the conversation toward the word do so to shift the focus from the reasons we need a word to describe the rights women in the country do not have. Oh look, now we’re arguing about semantics.

I think we stick with “feminist,” and its long, powerful history from the suffrage movement to Gloria Steinem to the Notorious RBG. It’s a word that, at times, has caused divisions of race and class—and that’s not good. I’m not suggesting we ignore that part of feminist history, I am suggesting that we look forward and do the hard work of uniting those of us with feminist beliefs. I am pushing for a makeover.

Can we take the word feminism—with all of its power to spark feelings, and with all its focus on constitutional rights—to help people feel connected to it? And by “people” I mean men, women of color, LGBTQ people, poor women, politicians, and basically everyone who knows that inequality is alive and picking up steam every time some stupid site like Women Against Feminism pops up.

Rebranding is tough, but totally possible. As an example, let’s think about yoga. Back in, oh say, the ‘90s, did you know people who did yoga? Did you think they were patchouli-wearing hippies? How about today? Take a look around any urban area and you’ll see yoga studios, yoga pants as work pants and those ubiquitous Lululemon bags. Yoga, for good or bad depending on whom you talk to, got a makeover. And good or bad, it’s still yoga.

In some ways, Sheryl Sandberg has given feminism a corporate makeover. But, while “Lean In” brought the conversation to the mainstream in a big way, it also served to divide us and reinforced the idea that feminism is for rich white ladies.

But don’t let images from the past or a distaste for one person’s experience with feminist thinking turn you off the idea that women’s rights are important and worth fighting for.

If the things that feminists believe in resonate with you, try to let the issues with the  word g0. Find the arm (hairy armpit or shaved) of the feminist branch that appeals to you, because proudly identifying as a feminist matters. There is power in a collective identity and change comes when a critical mass of people demand equality.

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ColumnWhat’s the best way to fight back against body-shaming bullies? Put your ass into it!

The fastest way to make a girl feel bad is to make fun of her body.

Forty-seven percent of girls in 5th-12th grade say they want to lose weight because of magazine pictures, according to The National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Related Disorders.

You can veto women’s magazines from your home, but short of forcing your daughter to live under a rock, it’s impossible to keep girls from absorbing societal messages about what they are “supposed to look like.” And, with added pressure from classmates, it’s easy to understand why so many people (20 million women and 10 million men) have eating disorders.

Carleigh O’Connell, an awesome 14-year-old from New Jersey, found that some of her classmates spray-painted a rock with: “Carleigh’s ass.”

The message Carleigh was supposed to receive, internalize and—possibly—struggle with for decades to come is that her butt is too big. Instead, she posed with the graffiti wearing a bikini, showing off her tush and smiling.

Then, she posted the photo of herself on Instagram and asked her mom to put it on Facebook. Her mom posted it with this note (you can read her whole post here): “My daughter heard that her “rear end” “figure” “body shape” ….you can see the description for yourself in the photo ….was made fun of on a big rock at the beach. Well….it was true. She found it and knew it was hers since her name has a very distinct spelling. Many kids at school told her about it. We talked about it. And while she was upset, she told me she was going to make something good out of it.”

Cheers to Carleigh and her mom for taking control of the situation and turning it into something positive. With mean girls firmly entrenched in most schools, #thinspiration everywhere and oh-so coveted thigh gaps being photoshopped in so often that it’s easy to forget that not everyone has one, it’s hard out there for a girl.

Carleigh’s reaction and willingness to share her photo shows that one person can shift the conversation.

“I wanted to show whoever decided to write that that I was stronger than that,” she told TODAY.com. “It didn’t impact me at all. I didn’t put my head down, I didn’t cry about it. I didn’t give the kids the power they wanted.”

“It felt very empowering,” she added.

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ColumnThe Supreme Court decides that Hobby Lobby is a person with values that matter. Women? Meh.

This week, the Supreme Court took a big step toward preventing women from easily accessing and paying for birth control.

In case you missed it, here’s what happened: Hobby Lobby and its cronies argued that having to cover the cost of specific forms of contraception, like the morning after pill, as part of its employee health insurance was the same as paying for abortion, which goes against the owners’ Christian beliefs.

On Monday, the Supreme Court ruled in Burwell V. Hobby Lobby. According to The New York Times, 5 of the 9 Justices decided “Requiring family-owned corporations to pay for insurance coverage for contraception under the Affordable Care Act violated a federal law protecting religious freedom.”

This decision, while a direct attack on abortion and access, is more than a right wing assault on Obamacare. It’s another move toward prioritizing corporations over humans—specifically lady humans.

What the ruling means is that corporations are being granted the same rights as people, which makes no sense at all. But, the precedent was set back in 2010 with the Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission case which promised free speech rights to  corporations—a case that was actually about campaign contribution limits, not free speech, but I digress.

To date, in addition to Hobby Lobby, there are 71 companies with owners that have said they don’t want to pay for birth control either. And not that it’s anyone’s business—especially an employer’s—why a woman might choose to take the pill, but for many, the decision has nothing to do with pregnancy prevention. About 1.5 million women use birth control to help with medical issues such as ovarian cancer, ovarian cysts, endometriosis and endometrial cancer, according to a 2011 study.

But, with the Hobby Lobby case, contraception coverage is just the tip of a giant discrimination iceberg.

Why the Hobby Lobby Case Is a HUGE Deal

This ruling is an extreme attack on women’s health coverage here in the U.S., and it will impact women in developing nations as well. And while the Hobby Lobby case is about access to healthcare and contraception, like the Citizens United Case before it, the language in the ruling represents a massive shift in how we value corporate responsibility versus individual freedom.

This week’s ruling has sweeping consequences, according to Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (who wrote a dissent chock full of staggeringly awesome quotes that earned her the social media title The Notorious RBG almost instantly). One consequence is that any company can declare a religion for itself and have at it.

How might that go? Justice Ginsburg has an idea. She wrote, “”Would the exemption…extend to employers with religiously grounded objections to blood transfusions (Jehovah’s Witnesses); antidepressants (Scientologists); medications derived from pigs, including anesthesia, intravenous fluids, and pills coated with gelatin (certain Muslims, Jews, and Hindus); and vaccinations[?]…Not much help there for the lower courts bound by today’s decision.”

Okay, so don’t work for a company with a religious affiliation, and you won’t have these problems, right? In her dissent, Justice Ginsburg warned that the ruling would have wide repercussions and “untoward effects.” She wrote, “Although the court attempts to cabin its language to closely held corporations, its logic extends to corporations of any size, public or private.”

Can. Of. Worms. Or, as Ginsburg put it: “The court, I fear, has ventured into a minefield.”

Oh, By the Way, Hobby Lobby Invests In the Abortion Pill

In case it’s not clear that, in reality, this is a financial issue and a power grab couched in morality, it turns out that Hobby Lobby (which does still cover Viagra and vasectomies) invests in the abortion pill, according to Mother Jones.

Oh, fancy that! Hypocrisy. Sweet, sweet hypocrisy.

Here’s what Mother Jones uncovered: “Documents filed with the Department of Labor and dated December 2012—three months after the company’s owners filed their lawsuit—show that the Hobby Lobby 401(k) employee retirement plan held more than $73 million in mutual funds with investments in companies that produce emergency contraceptive pills, intrauterine devices, and drugs commonly used in abortions. Hobby Lobby makes large matching contributions to this company-sponsored 401(k).”

So Now What?

I would love to wrap this up with something positive, but this ruling is a shitshow. The best thing we can do is to keep supporting candidates that value women and basic human freedom. We also need to continue supporting Planned Parenthood (because as our insurance stops covering reproductive care we need a place to go) and supporting Mother Jones, a publication that consistently offers up spectacular reporting.

Most importantly, four months from now, we have to vote in the midterm elections. The candidates we elect have approval over Supreme Court Justice appointments, people that arguably have more power than the President and much longer shelf lives. Each Representative and each Senator has a vote that can help us or hurt us, so pay attention to local elections.

Donating is a great start (and donor numbers do send messages), but dollars don’t count as people—yet. So get offline and vote, unless you want the company you work for to do it for you.

That Happened is Libby Lowe’s weekly column for EcoSalon analyzing media, news and pop culture through a feminist lens. Keep in touch with Libby @LibbyLowe.

Image: Nicholas Eckhart

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ColumnRobin Thicke’s new video is the stalker jam we’ve all been waiting for.

Everyone’s favorite creepy uncle Robin Thicke, who brought us “Blurred Lines,” the rape hit of summer 2013, is back with a new video.

It’s disturbing in a whole new way.

In February, Robin Thicke and his wife Paula Patton separated. While it’s hard to pinpoint why, and I’m no marriage counselor, this photo of his hand nestled between a young woman’s ass cheeks might be a clue.

Thicke just released his the first video, “Get Her Back,” from the forthcoming album, “Paula.” The good news is that the song is super boring and very unlikely to take over the world like “Blurred Lines” did.

The bad news is that this video sends a scary message about relationships. Let’s be clear that this weepy, formulaic, god-awful song wouldn’t be on anyone’s radar if not for the super scary video. In my dreams, this is a PR move and Thicke isn’t actually stalking or threatening Paula Patton.

Dreams of a better world for pop musicians and their exes aside, let’s talk first about how you can read the title in two ways. There’s the lost love angle, but there’s also a little vengeance here, right?!

I might not have noticed that double entendre if not for the video. Here’s a breakdown of Robin Thicke’s on-screen breakdown (I watched it all so you don’t have to): There’s moody lighting, streaming tears and text messages popping up that we’re supposed to assume are notes he and Paula sent each other. The texts appear over violent imagery, including a possible drowning and Thicke pretending to shoot himself in the head, making this the scariest episode of Pop Up Video ever.

The video ends with the chilling words: “This is just the beginning.”

First of all, if my estranged husband ever sent me a text using “u” in place of “you” I would call my lawyer immediately and finalize that shit. But, more importantly, I would also ask for a restraining order.

And let’s flip this for a second. What if this was a woman singing? Would anyone think it was romantic or would we call her a psycho stalker? I think we know. Are we so hungry to see an emotional man that we’re willing to accept stalking in its place?

The fact that anyone would ever call this video romantic and that there’s a #TakeHimBack trend on Twitter is deeply disturbing. There’s nothing romantic about making someone feel unsafe. There’s nothing romantic about stalking or public harassment.

These lines aren’t blurry at all.

That Happened is Libby Lowe’s weekly column for EcoSalon analyzing media, news and pop culture through a feminist lens. Keep in touch with Libby @LibbyLowe.

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Column“Obvious Child” is the best abortion rom-com since… Uh, hey, it’s an abortion rom-com! PS: This column is chock-full of spoilers.

Calendar item: “Wednesday 7:30 – Abortion movie with Emily.” As you can see, I have been eagerly anticipating going to see “Obvious Child” since I first heard rumblings about the existence of a movie featuring an abortion that didn’t come with a side of payback in the form of shame, death, regret or some other life-ruining consequence for the woman.

In brief, here’s the plot: 27-year-old Donna (Jenny Slate) gets cheated on, dumped, drunk and has a really fun looking sex-capade/dance party/bongo drum playing session that results in an unwanted pregnancy.

The problem with knowing you’re going to see an abortion movie is that you spend the whole time waiting for the abortion—kind of like when “127 Hours” came out and we all waited for that one scene.

It was an odd distraction to be eagerly awaiting the abortion moments: When will she find out? What will happen when she goes to Planned Parenthood? When will she tell people? Will she tell the guy? When will she go in for the abortion?

Waiting for those pivotal moments, it would have been easy to miss all that happened in between, and that would have been a shame because “Obvious Child” is much more than a movie about abortion. It is a movie about friendship and storytelling.

One of my favorite moments is when Donna’s best friend, Nellie (played by Gabby Hoffman), arrives at her apartment to find her a wasted crying mess and Donna makes a lesbian birthright joke and then tells her she doesn’t have to sleep in the room because she’s about to fart it up. These are your real friends, people.

Donna’s role as a stand-up comic is central to the plot and to understanding her as a character. Drawing her material from real life and holding nothing back (from what underpants really look like at the end of a long day to countless fart jokes), she leaves nothing on the table. This approach brings up a question I am constantly fascinated by: What stories are ours to tell? As a writer, I say all of them. Everything is material. As a comic, Donna feels the same way. But, this approach has its consequences.

Early in the movie, her boyfriend complains about her talking about their relationship on stage—before dumping her in the bathroom while checking his phone in one of the most honest 20-something breakup scenes ever. Honest because he leads into the conversation totally dishonestly, blaming her stand-up for the breakup when really it’s that he’s sleeping with a friend of hers, news he reveals after making her feel like it’s her fault.

What’s great about this scene, and Donna in particular, is that she says what we all want to say in the moment, not when she thinks of the perfect reply five minutes or five days later. We know that in some ways this is because she is in a movie, but we believe that the character is that quick and smart—and the kind of exhibitionist who will say anything about herself and anyone else to get a laugh. But that tendency to just put thing out there and say what most people won’t is also how she processes her world.

Her real friends understand that and like her for it, and we do too. Throughout the movie, we’re unsure about where the new guy, Max, will fall on the spectrum. He seems to appreciate her brand of wacky, but when we’re introduced to him, he comes off as a bit of a square.

When she finally tells him about the pregnancy and her appointment for the abortion (from the stage in a bar before he’s even taken his hat off and gotten comfortable), he has a fairly understandable reaction given that he has just received intensely personal news in a public setting. He leaves. But, unlike the shitty ex, he realizes that her stand-up is how she is processing what is happening. He’s on the team and good things happen next.

What “Obvious Child” also accomplishes is a commentary on how we think other people think about abortion if “we” are liberal, privileged urbanites. Donna isn’t sure how to talk to the woman at the clinic and then realizes it’s best to just say what you want.

She worries what her highly-accomplished mom will think. Mostly because when you tell your mom something, it becomes real in a different way. That conversation turns out to be a good way for the filmmaker Gillian Robespierre to remind us what happens when abortion is illegal without hitting us over the head. (We were promised a rom-com, not a documentary, after all!)

There’s also the moment when Donna asks Max if he is okay with her having an abortion—but not in a way that implies his opinion will change her mind—it’s more of a get-to-know-ya conversation a bit late in the game.

In some ways, for the pro-choice set, “Obvious Child” is like “The West Wing” for liberal politicos. It’s a reflection of the way we wish it was for everyone. If we don’t place too much pressure on “Obvious Child” to be more than one woman’s story about her abortion, we can appreciate that when women have access and support, abortion is part of life.

We’re left with an ideal rom-com ending. It’s sweet, it’s open-ended and it’s full of possibility.

That Happened is Libby Lowe’s weekly column for EcoSalon analyzing media, news and pop culture through a feminist lens. Keep in touch with Libby @LibbyLowe.

Images: Obvious Child

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ColumnWhat political pundit and professional asshat George Will doesn’t understand about rape could fill a book, and if you want to avoid domestic violence, just get married!

It’s been a really special week for promoting rape culture, blaming victims and spewing misconceptions about domestic violence.

Before we dig into what happened, the takeaway is this: Women want to get raped (or at least say they were raped) because they like attention. If you don’t like attention, get married—because married women are never assaulted.

You Lucky Rape Victim, You!

George Will, a respected-by-some political commentator often seen on Sunday morning news shows, wrote this in the Washington Post: “In colleges, more rape victims are coming forward because victimhood has become, ‘a coveted status that confers privileges’.”

He is arguing that all of the “special treatment” people who have been raped receive is endangering a generation of nice young men who are just boys being boys. AmIRight, GW? Oh, and it’s Obama’s fault for “riding to the rescue of ‘sexual assault’ victims.”

(Quick note: While we mostly talk about women speaking out against male assailants, this isn’t always the case. Imagine how cool it would be to be male rape victim? I bet there are even more privileges.)

Back to George Will’s horrifying, hurtful comments. In his column, he goes on to do some super special math in an attempt to diminish the problem of sexual assault and rape on college campuses.

Sorry, but the cat is out of the bag here—this is a really, really massive cultural problem.

The fact that 20 percent of women on a college campus will be a victim of sexual assault is hard to prove, not because it is based on fiction, as Will would have you believe, but because despite the fact that more people are speaking out, victims are still scared to come forward. Sadly, the number is probably higher.

People fear they will be blamed. They fear they will not be believed. They fear they will lose friends. At times, because our culture is so fucked up, they fear it’s their fault.

Don’t Want to be Assaulted? Get Married!

Okay, I am about to blow your mind with my problem-solving skills. If you REALLY don’t want to get sexually assaulted (being the victim is like sooo 2013, yea?) here’s the plan: Skip college and get married really young—and don’t get a job because in 2011, 11,364 people filed formal complaints of sexual harassment at work, according to The American Association of University Women.

Following close on the heels of George Will’s terrible column, The Washington Post published a lovely little gem co-written by conservative think tank geniuses W. Bradford Wilcox and Robin Fretwell Wilson. They claim the best way for women to avoid being victims of rape and assault is to quit being such whores and get married.

I would like to pause and comment on the choice of stock art here. A couple walking on train tracks in a seemingly desolated “True Detective”-esque area captioned: “Marriage, the safer route.” Lord.

In this piece, written in response to the popularity of #YesAllWomen, the authors write: “This social media outpouring makes it clear that some men pose a real threat to the physical and psychic welfare of women and girls. But obscured in the public conversation about the violence against women is the fact that some other men are more likely to protect women, directly and indirectly, from the threat of male violence: married biological fathers.”

So, let me get this right: To be safe from being sexually assaulted, you need to be in a heterosexual relationship and have babies and be married to your babies’ biological father?

Let’s pretend, for a second, that we live in a world where that’s a scenario that we’re all interested in. If we were able to live that dream, would we be safe? I think you know I’m about to say no.

According to the U.S. Department of Justice’s Violence Against Women Survey:

• You are married straight woman, just like the article says: Do you have it made? Nope: More than 30 percent of women who married or lived with a man as part of a couple reported abuse at the hand of said husband or partner.
• Ah, but I’m a gay lady! Sorry. Eleven percent of women with female partners reported being raped, physically assaulted and/or stalked.
• Gay man? You’re not safe at home either. Fifteen percent of men who had lived with a man as a couple reported being raped, physically assaulted, and/or stalked.
• Finally, straight dudes. They’re always safe, right? No. More than 7 percent of men surveyed who had married or lived with a woman as a couple reported domestic violence.

And these numbers only reflect the number of people who responded, and who responded honestly.

What Does All of This Mean?

George Will and his cronies are not just ill-informed, they are liars, willfully spreading misinformation and saying incredibly hurtful, stupid shit.

This kind of media coverage validates the lie that the number of sexual assaults is exaggerated at best, fabricated at worst. It perpetuates the crazy notion that people who step forward and ask for justice after being raped are probably just trying to get attention and special treatment. It seeks to shut-up victims of domestic abuse by discrediting the very fact that such a thing is possible.

The good news is that people are pissed. The hashtag outrage is palpable (see #SurvivorPrivilege). But, to be honest, I am at a loss, and just feeling really angry. Angry at the people who wrote this crap, angry at the people who believe it and angry at The Washington Post for publishing it. I’m angry at people who rape and assault people. I’m angry at anyone who doubts victims who are brave enough to come forward and seek the justice and help they deserve.

What we’re dealing with is a cultural crisis that isn’t contained to college campuses or to one segment of the population. We are all at risk of sexual assault in the places where we should feel the most safe—on campus (a home away from home) and at home. Being raped or assaulted is never a privilege.

Related on EcoSalon

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The Maryville Rape

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Slut Shaming is the Status Quo

Sexual Assault: Victims No More

Image: Wendy Nelson Photography. via Compfight cc

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ColumnSummer is here and it’s time to kick it feminist style—here’s what to watch, hear and see this summer!

Binge Watch: “Orange Is the New Black”

June 6. My excitement about this date (aka: TODAY) cannot be measured with existing technology. “Orange Is the New Black” season two is going to hit Netflix and I am going to hit the couch. I have a love/hate relationship with this new trend of releasing an entire season in one day so we can all binge watch. I feel like you miss some of the nuance and texture—like reading a book just for the plot and skimming over all of the descriptive text the writer worked so hard to create. On the other hand, I can spend 13 hours with the women of Litchfield! Swirl, swirl…

Go to the Movies: “Obvious Child”

An abortion ro-co? I’m in! Usually, when a character has an abortion in a movie, she has to pay. Not “pay” like write a check to Planned Parenthood, but pay on some deeper karmic level. She has to lose something—her mind, her ability to have kids later in life when she’s ready, her relationship, her dignity, her life, etc. Word on the street is that “Obvious Child” paints a realistic picture of what abortion looks like for many women: It’s something that happens but doesn’t have to be the thing that defines you. (Now playing)

Go to a Show: Pussy Riot, Miley and More 

Am I really saying this? Yes. I am. Miley Cyrus is touring this summer and, try as I might, I can’t help but be tempted want to get tickets. From saying she’s one of the world’s biggest feminists to declaring that, really, she’s just all about equality for everyone, Miley is interesting. But I get it. She’s not for everyone and, if you can’t take one more twerk, hit Riot Fest and check out Pussy Riot, Tegan and Sara and lots of other great musicians who won’t leave you feeling conflicted about your values. (Lineups vary by city)

Read a Book: “Mountain to Mountain: A Journey of Adventure and Activism for the Women of Afghanistan”

I can’t wait to read Shannon Galpin’s book about the work she’s been doing to launch an Afghan women’s national cycling team. Galpin started her non-profit, Mountain2Mountain to connect communities and cultures and work to empower women living in conflict zones. The name also ties to the subtext of an old Persian proverb, “No matter how high the mountain, there’s always a road.” And on that road? Women on bicycles! Culturally, it’s been an uphill battle, but she and her team of dedicated volunteers are working hard to make her dream a reality. Check out Galpin‘s memoir when it’s released by St. Martin’s on September 16.

What else should we see, read and listen to this summer?

Related on EcoSalon

‘Orange Is the New Black’—And I’m Addicted: That Happened

Yes Means Yes Means What? – Miley, Rihanna and Me: HyperKulture

Bring Back Our Girls: That Happened

That Happened is Libby Lowe’s weekly column for EcoSalon analyzing media, news and pop culture through a feminist lens. Keep in touch with Libby @LibbyLowe.

Image: Federico Mauro Creative Commons

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ColumnJill Abramson, The New York Times’ top dog, and first female executive editor, was fired.

We should have seen this coming. Jill ABRAmson. Bra is right there in her name!

As the scandal started to unfold, it seemed like a clear case of sexism at work. The New Yorker reported that the trouble for Abramson may have escalated when she found out that her pay and her pension benefits as both executive editor and, before that, as managing editor, were less what her male predecessor received.

An associate told the magazine that when she spoke up, it reinforced her reputation as “pushy,” a term used almost exclusively to talk about women.

Issues surrounding “significant” pay discrepancy have been widely disputed by the Times, and the New Yorker has since updated its report. But, what we’re left with is another “pushy” broad pushed out of the C-suite. And, so far, that seems to be a story that’s sticking.

The Times reportedly wanted her departure to be less dramatic than it has been, but Abramson insisted they fire her — because that’s what was happening. It was the truth and she wanted the truth to be out there. Pushy indeed! Now, because of social media and Abramson’s daughter, #pushy is now a hashtag, joining the ranks of #BanBossy.

As the scheduled keynote speaker at Wake Forest University’s graduation this week, Abramson had to do something all editors are familiar with: a rewrite. According to the Washington Post, a Wake Forest official said the original draft of her speech focused on the importance of media freedom.

While I imagine she wasn’t conceptualizing her topic in this way, it’s interesting to think about media freedom in terms of her right as a woman leading her field to run her newsroom — hard-assed news guys are legendary — as she saw fit.

All of this has gotten me thinking about my own experience in various editorial settings. So, in solidarity with Jill Abramson and women everywhere, I offer you this list of four anecdotes from my professional life between 2000 and today to illustrate that shit like this happens to the Jills of the world, and also to the Libbys.

1. As the Editor-In-Chief of a magazine, I worked directly for the publisher. He referred to me exclusively as “Girl.” When we disagreed about something, he would say, “Girl, you’re a cunt.” Sweet, right?

2. I once received this unsolicited performance review from a superior at an office party: “It’s not you I don’t like, it’s your face.” My read on this was that it was a version of, “Why don’t you smile?” which is something I hate. I was part of an opinionated, smart leadership team — consisting mainly of men — and many of us were quick with an eyeroll. As far as I know, I was the only one made to justify my physical reactions to conflict.

3. A publisher I worked for owed me three months’ pay. When I finally refused to stop working until I received said payment, he pointed out that the company wasn’t doing well and he had a wife and family to support. He kind of trailed off waiting for me, I think, to put my right to get paid to the side to support him in his plight as a big manly provider. This illustrates one of my favorite recurring sexism at work themes: the idea that women work for fun, not for money.

4. I worked for one media company where drinking heavily was just kind of what we all did on group outings. One night, I overheard a middle-aged male VP say this to a group of 20-something female employees: “I’m feeling kind of hand-jobby.”

What I learned from all of these experiences is that even when you’re working with primarily good people — which most of these guys actually were — gender bias sneaks in. In some cases, it punches you in the gut.

As leaders, we can’t laugh it off when we’re called a bitch for disagreeing with something, when we’re labeled as pushy or reprimanded for being too difficult.

When we are hired to lead, we must be allowed to be leaders.

I’m not an insider in the Jill Abramson scandal, and I am not saying that she was fired because she is a woman. I don’t know. But I do know that in her speech to the new graduates, her first public comment on her departure from the Times, she said to, “Show what you’re made of.”

Maybe her speech was actually about media freedom after all.

That Happened is Libby Lowe’s weekly column for EcoSalon analyzing media, news and pop culture through a feminist lens. Keep in touch with Libby @LibbyLowe.

Related on EcoSalon

Feminism According to Sheryl Sandberg

Working Girl to Work-Wife: Sexism at Work

Equality and Your Paycheck: That Hasn’t Happened

Image: Alexander Torrenegra Creative Commons 

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