Cheating in a relationship is one of the main reasons relationships fail. But that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong thing to. It doesn’t mean it’s right, either. Yep. It’s complicated.

Not all cheating sagas start with a broken relationship. In fact, the relationship may seem perfect, even to an insider like you. But, one day, you start to feel the urge to emotionally or sexually cheat–and the thought doesn’t go away. Maybe you haven’t done it yet, but it’s still on your mind and you find yourself naturally opening up to the opportunity to do so or start fantasizing about the idea. You may try to repress these feelings and carry on with your life and your relationship, but indulging in the feeling (or act) of cheating without addressing why it’s there in the first place can not only ruin your relationship but also cloud the authenticity of your feelings. Here is what you can do if you find yourself with the itch to emotionally or physically cheat.

1. Communicate Your Emotions with Your Spouse

It’s time to have a conversation. No partner is perfect, but that doesn’t mean you have to let your needs go unaddressed. And the only way your significant other will know what you need from him or her is if you lay it out on the table. Easier said than done, of course. Communication is a relationship quandary. But, before you betray someone close to you, have the courage to speak up.

Women are different from men when it comes to cheating. An Indiana University study found that women cheat at relatively the same rate as men, but the reasons they cheat differ. Women are more likely to cheat for emotional satisfaction, and their offenses may not even involve physical contact. That’s where cheating gets subtle and sneaky. If there are emotional needs that go unaddressed by your spouse, you may start to look outward for affirmation. To ultimately be content in your relationship, you have to be open and honest.

2. Ask for Space

Don’t assume that your relationship is over just because you feel compelled to be unfaithful. Ask your significant other for some space for a period of time, during which you can reflect on your relationship and come to more honest conclusions about what you want, need, and are willing to invest in your union. No, this is not a breakup and no, don’t use this time to be unfaithful. Instead, spend some more time by yourself. A bit of time alone can work wonders on your psyche.

3. Tell Your Spouse You Want to Cheat

Don’t be scared to admit this to your spouse, especially when the urge is so strong. You may fear how he or she will react, but imagine how much worse it will be to admit to having wanted to cheat, after the fact. You may even be surprised by how your significant other responds.

The reason being open about your desire to cheat works is because it starts a conversation about any problems in the relationship and keeps you both proactive about bettering the relationship–before it’s too late.

4. Realize Your Genes May Be Up Against You

This sounds like the most desperate excuse out there, but science confirms that the predisposition to cheat is often genetic. Even more bizarre, the link between cheating and genes has only been witnessed in women!

The hormone vasopressin is synthesized in the hypothalamus and stored in the posterior pituitary. The hormone is then secreted into the bloodstream, but some of it may release directly into the brain. Vasopressin influences trust and empathy levels, which can in turn affect social behavior, including sexual motivation.

In one study, researchers found a significant relationship between five separate variants of the vasopressin gene and infidelity in women. This link did not exist for men.

If you are completely confused as to why you want to cheat, changes in your vasopressin hormone levels may be to blame. And, having this knowledge on your side can stop you from creating problems in your relationship that don’t already exist.

5. Cheat

Gasp! Yes, I said it. Cheat and see how you feel. If your spouse finds out, see how he or she reacts. In the hands of two sensible adults and a skilled therapist, an affair can possibly (read: possibly, not definitely) be what saves your marriage or relationship.

A lot of the events and emotions leading up to an affair often go neglected. It is only after the deed is done that harsh truths come to light and your relationship is thoroughly tested. It is also when you see your partner for who she or he is and his or her extent of devotion for you.

If you cannot control your feelings and have exhausted your amicable options, then cheat. It may take that to understand what you really want and need. But, be prepared for the consequences. If you’ve ever been cheated on before by someone you love, you know the gut-wrenching feeling that ensues. It’s treacherous and takes a huge toll on your innocence in romance. So before you take the plunge and indulge in your fantasies, have enough respect for yourself and your partner to communicate properly and get the alone time you need to reflect. Or, just chalk it up to your genes and call it a day!

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The post Feeling Like Cheating in a Relationship? What to Do (and What Not To) appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnWhy do women cheat? A recent study has found – prepare to be SHOCKED – that they cheat because they’re horny.

The fact that we needed a study to uncover this deep, dark mystery is the real problem here – not the fact that women are sometimes compelled to cheat. We live in a world that still – in 2014, for god sake’s – is shaken when women admit that they need sexual release.

Why do women cheat? For the same reasons men do. Yet the Internet, upon discovering this study, was shocked to find that women are not sitting around all day, waiting for our prince to deliver us from our idle housewife lives, untie our corsets so that he can have his way with us. But we won’t enjoy it!!!! No, not unless he wants us to appear as if we do, because it turns him on. (And feminism never existed, either.)

It’s fun to laugh at the Internet’s penchant for getting its panties in a twist over things that we should all know by now, yet these antiquated notions about women’s sexuality persist and persist and persist.

The study in question, even though it hints at an obvious truth, is problematic in the ways these studies of sexuality tend to be. It employs a small sample size and was led by a scientist who works for AshleyMadison.com – a website that caters to people in relationships looking for extramarital affairs. Oh, and the participants were actual women using this “cheating site” – those already looking for a fling. (As an aside, next time you date online, unless you’re cool with having your personal life, emails to potential lovers, and other information mined for studies, I suggest you carefully read the terms of service before you click “accept.”)

I’m bothered that we’re even searching for an answer to the question “why do women cheat?” — have we asked this question about men? No, we just assume, as we’re socialized to do, that they are led by their penises and cheat because they want sex. The thing about this study that seemed to surprise those analyzing the data was that women didn’t want to leave their marriages – they just wanted some damn good sex. They wanted to preserve their partnerships for whatever reason – for companionship, children, financial reasons – but they did want sex elsewhere.

Our culture is not quite at grips with the fact that women’s sexuality is just as, if not more, primed for novelty than men’s. The women in this study were between 35 and 45. Because we’re so habituated to the myth of “til’ death do us part” when we sign up for marriage, it can come as a shock when after three, five, or seven years of monogamy – it’s no longer enough.

We’re taught that if we have love, we’ll never desire another man or woman’s body – and more than that, that sex isn’t as important as companionship, financial reliability, good parenting – all the other aspects of marriage. Sex is like icing – if we meet someone who’s offering us a cake made of all the proper ingredients of partnership, we can forego the sweetness we truly desire.

Number one, I say put the icing first when you’re dating. Because if you end up marrying someone who doesn’t make your toes tingle, you’ll miss it later on. That’s the first step – recognizing and honoring our authentic desires and sexual needs, straight from the start, and not settling for someone who’s merely meeting our practical needs. We have other needs, and they must not be kept in the shadows.

Two, when and if you do put a ring on it, know at the outset that even if you’re over-the-moon hot for your betrothed, you may not always be. Don’t be afraid to have that talk. You may not always be, and hey – he might not always be either.

If you’re at the stage where your partner is still getting most of marriage right, but you’re just not sexually attracted to him anymore, first – forgive yourself. You are normal – you are the many, not the few. Those of us who can stay attracted to a long-term partner for many years are rare creatures indeed. If you’re that woman, god bless you, and rock on. But if you’re most women, you may need someone else at some point – and you shouldn’t go through a major shame spiral if you feel it.

Women are socialized to believe that our sexuality is not our own — we learn to navigate other people’s desires before we recognize ours as real. Instead of waiting, and wanting to be wanted, women need to embrace our sexual needs earlier in life — not halfway into our marriages.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie@ecosalon.com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

Related on EcoSalon

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The Real Reason Female Sexuality Has Been Repressed For Millennia

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Image: Alejandra Mavroski

The post Why Do Women Cheat? It’s Obvious, Says Science: Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

A weekly look at sex and culture, by the numbers.

I hope you’re ready to live on your own, because unless you’re a dolphin (it’ll make sense later, I promise), odds are you’re going to end up alone. With that out of the way, let’s get to our weekly batch of facts.

33: Age at which most people describe themselves as first being “truly happy”

50%: Odds a man who suspects his partner of infidelity is correct, according to a recent Australian study

85%: Odds a woman who suspects her partner of infidelity is correct

$120,000: Budget NOM allocated in 2009 to locate “children of gay parents willing to speak on camera” against same-sex marriage

52%: Percentage of Jewish marriages from relationships that began online that originated at JDate

5.5 million: people under the age of 35 who live alone

11 million: people over the age of 65 who live alone

120: Number of dolphins in a recent study detailing their previously unknown “extensively bisexual” behavior

The post Sex by Numbers: Dolphins Are Swingers Too Edition appeared first on EcoSalon.

A weekly look at sex and culture, by the numbers.

It may be that you can hide things from your partner and even from yourself, but you can’t hide from the relentless and elite team of sex researchers here at EcoSalon. We found them. All of them. And they’re downright embarrassing.

1 in 10: number of single British men who admit they hide their teddy bears from their girlfriends

1 in 3: number of Americans who admit they have lied to their partners about money even after combining finances

359: number of men arrested for soliciting sex workers in a “National Day of Johns” sting on February 5th

1: “Very discreet” pilot per private flight on Flamingo Air, Cincinnati’s “most outrageous airline”

32: Age of a Georgia man charged with posting Craigslist ads under other men’s names soliciting anonymous sex

161: Number of the Senate bill that would require sex offenders to register on social media sites like Twitter

The post Sex by Numbers: Secrets and Lies appeared first on EcoSalon.

Column Facts are facts.

If there’s a theme to this week’s Sex by Numbers, it’s that none of you seem to be able to make up your minds. In general, you’re having more sex than in years past, but you’re not sure yet if you approve. Also, you should probably be using condoms more often.

Factor by which the number of therapists specializing in treating sex addicts has grown in the last decade: 15

Percentage of Americans who believe it is “morally wrong” for unmarried men and women to sleep together: 30%

Percentage of Americans who described themselves as “sexually adventurous” in an ABC News poll: 42%

Number of Britons who believe having sex while standing up cannot result in pregnancy: 1 in 10

Odds that any given heterosexual couple will use a condom during vaginal penetration: 1 in 4

Maximum benefit granted by Veteran Benefits Administration due to anatomical or permanent loss of “external sex organs”: $50,000

Percentage of Americans who believe it is “morally wrong” for married people to have affairs: 92%

Married women who said they married their best-ever sexual partners: 47%

Image: a tai

The post Sex by Numbers: Of Two Minds appeared first on EcoSalon.

I just got engaged. And I’m old. Okay, not Betty White old, but old enough that people who don’t know me are adding a -¦finally”¦” under their breath. And people who do know me are looking outside their windows to see if pigs are stuck in trees. Because they were flying, get it?

In the meantime, I’m in a weird limbo between single and married lands. I’m proud of being single into my late thirties, self-identifying all over the place as a sufficient, capable, man-less feminist. I got to a place where I could really see myself avoiding matrimony altogether, happily living out life as a proud auntie with nice handbags-not-diaper-bags and eight sound hours of sleep a night.

But obviously I kept dating. Now I have a wonderful man and a ring that keeps surprising me on my left finger. Welcome to No-Man’s Land for Singles! This is a happy land, where expectation and hopes are alive with promise, flowers, and gift cards to Bed, Bath and Beyond. It’s also the land where people totally freak you out with statistics. Recently, I ran across the scariest one of all in The New York Times – singles have better sex lives than married people! Was this true? I had to investigate.

So I can expect to hang up my libido when I file a joint tax return. Right? Not so fast, says the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction. As it turns out, 23 percent of non-married men and 32 percent of non-married women report that they did not have sex in an entire year. Only one percent of married men and three percent of married women shared that they did not have sex in a year. Further, 43 percent of married men had sex a few times in the past month, with similar numbers for married women. The number were much lower for the unmarrieds.

So it looks like, yes, marriage can lead to a more frequent sex life. But it is better? According to The New York Times, marrieds are more like to have orgasms and give and receive oral sex. But should a smug married point this out to a singleton, said singleton can point back that 11 percent of people who co-habitate or are married have been unfaithful to their significant others. So yes, marries are having sex – just not necessarily with each other.

For more interesting sex facts, check out this chart from the Kinsey Institute. (Five to ten percent of Americans engaged in S&M? How did I miss this?)

The post Singles Have More Sex Than Marrieds – Right? appeared first on EcoSalon.

Mmmm. CANDY! Just smell the bowl full of those darling, little bars of CANDY. Just look at those chewy bites of CANDY!

Now, walk away. That’s right. Walk away and no one will get hurt.

Halloween is really one of the hardest nights to stay disciplined, to focus on staying healthy and stick to your local, organic fare and not endorse one night a year when it’s okay for kids to rot their teeth and poison their bodies with sugar and trans fats.

We get hundreds of visitors to our suburban-esque San Francisco hood and once the bell starts ringing, it tends to get frenetic. You can’t spend the evening just bobbing for organic apples but you can make some changes in your holiday routine.

Here are some good tips for staying focused for a  healthier Halloween:

1. Plan ahead pumpkin head!

Eat a really big, healthy dinner around 5 p.m. Give your kids a good dinner, too. Usually they’re too excited to eat, so just threaten them: No green stuff, no brown stuff. Growing up, we always had chili dogs on Halloween, but no one will eat that anymore. A veggie pizza is yummy and filling, and toss a massive salad for yourself and your friends. And don’t forget, many good foods stem from the pumpkins you carve, i.e. delicious and beneficial dried seeds, soups and desserts. Pumpkin is one of the super foods!

2. Pluck fruits of the vine, Frankenstein

Here’s something novel. Buy healthy treats to give away so if you have a few it won’t hurt: Organic fruit snacks, like the new ones from Amy’s,  Fair Trade organic dark chocolate squares, Z-bars. Don’t get carried away and give out toothbrushes, though. Everybody hates neighbors who give out toothbrushes. They deserve to get tee-peed.

3. Keep a Healthy Stash, Monster Mash

Keep a healthy, beat-the-blues treat aside for yourself, such as an organic dark chocolate bar, a bowl of fresh fruit or popcorn. I don’t know who made up the rule that giving away candy means you can’t snack on healthy treats throughout the night. Popcorn is high in fiber and I like to season mine with a bit of Cayenne pepper. Look out!

4. Slurp to your heart’s desire, thirsty vampire

Drink tons of water all night (from your reusable bottle, of course). Keep a water bottle by the front door, and keep sipping. Staying hydrated is a surefire way to keep up your energy throughout this high energy night, and to keep yourself from eating unhealthy foods that will just make you feel lousy in the morning  – you know, that Halloween hangover.

5. Sit on the porch and stay present

This is a great night to interact with neighbors, neighbors we are usually isolated from during the busy work week. Pull up a chair on the front steps with your bowl of healthy giveaways and haunt your old friends. It’s good for the spirit!

Top image: Doug88888

Image One: Organic Authority

The post Halloween Hangover? 5 Tips to Avoid the Scary Stuff and Stay Healthy appeared first on EcoSalon.