Despite the tragedy of shrinking a wool sweater, the deed is reversible. Here is the best laundry tip; an easy step by step tutorial on how to unshrink a wool sweater.

Have you committed the laundry sin of [gasp] shrinking a wool sweater? In the name of absent mindedness, daydreaming or just a simple mistake — I know I have! And every time I pull out that miniature version of what used to be, like some magician’s bunny hat trick, an unpleasant emotion — somewhere between stubbing my toe and obligatory laughter — wells up inside me.

But despite the initial sorrow, all is not lost for you or that sweater. Here is an easy and fast way to unshrink a wool sweater. Try it out right now or bookmark this How To, and next time you find yourself needing to unshrink a wool sweater, we’ve got you covered.

1. First, fill a sink or bucket with warm water and dissolve a quarter-size amount of both shampoo and conditioner in the water.

2. Soak the wool sweater in the mixture for about twenty minutes. Move around at first so your sweater really absorbs the shampoo and conditioner.

3. After about twenty minutes, remove sweater and lightly ring the moisture out.

4. Next, stretch the sweater, pulling on all angles to loosen the fibers. (For true precision, but a bit of uncomfortableness, you can wear the sweater while stretching it. This will help mold the shape back to your size and fit.)

5. After the sweater is stretched about 2/3 it’s original size, lay it flat or hang over a chair to dry.

6. Lastly, once the sweater is dry, put on and lightly stretch out one final time.

Voila! Enjoy many more cozy days to come with that sweater!

Want more How To tips? Related on EcoSalon:

Ditch The Washing Machine: How To Hand Wash Clothes

How To Make Pillows: A DIY Pep Talk For The Pillow Lover

How To Declutter Your Desk and Increase Productivity

image: jenny

The post Laundry Tip of a Lifetime: How to Unshrink a Wool Sweater appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnHow to dye your clothes using natural indigo.

Indigo is one of the oldest forms of natural dye, and its rich color still mesmerizes us today. Plus, it’s extremely easy to use. Perfect for redying your jeans to make them dark again, or repurposing a faded or stained shirt, here are step-by-step instructions on how to dye using natural indigo.

Materials

Indigo Starter Kit from Earthues, $45
Long Latex Gloves
100% natural fabric, clothing or yarn
Five gallon bucket for dye bath
Five gallon bucket for water rinse
Drying rack

Method

1. First, place fabric in water to soak.

2. Follow the Indigo Starter Kit directions to prepare dye bath.

3. Remove fabric from water, and wring out.

4. Gently place fabric into indigo dye bath, and stir with stick or glove-covered hand. Depending on the dye strength, the length of time the fabric sits in bath will indicate the shade of the color. About 3 minutes is sufficient time for fabric to be in dye bath.

5. Next, carefully push fabric to the side of your bucket and gently lift out guided by wall of the bucket (so as not to add air bubbles to the mixture).

6. Place fabric on drying rack or tray until completely oxidized–you will see the fabric change from yellow-green to blue. Repeat dip process for darker shade of indigo.

7. Place fabric on drying rack and allow to dry completely. Voila!

Wash separately from other clothing, just to ensure the dye does not run onto your other clothing.

Recipe adapted from Kinfolk  and Hand/Eye Magazine.

Want more On Trend? See The Latest

Beyond The LBD, It’s Eco Fashion With An Attitude

DIY Jewelry: 10 Sartorial Brooches You Can Easily Personalize: On Trend

Vegan Shoes and Handbags: On Trend

Grunge Texture with an Ethical Twist: On Trend

featured image background: Phyllis W. Hedrick

The post DIY Dye with Natural Indigo to Revamp Your Clothes : On Trend appeared first on EcoSalon.

Somewhere between assembly lines and TV dinners the simple art form of how to sew a button was lost in the name of efficiency. Two generations ago, everyone knew the simple skill–we’d even go as far as to call it the original DIY. No fear, it’s super simple and you can learn in no time. If you are missing buttons, here’s how to fix that small problem yourself. 

1. Thread the needle

No we aren’t talking the yoga pose, remember we are sewing here. So, start by cutting garment thread to be about 1 foot long. For this first step thread the string through the eye of the needle. Stop at the half point in the middle of the piece of thread, and tie the two ends of the string together.  This will look almost like a necklace with the needle at the middle point. Tying the string in this way will make bonding the button to the garment stronger because each stitch is doubled. 

2. Try to spot the original stitch holes

Oftentimes if you check on the garment you can find the original stitch holes.  Locating these is like a blueprint or guide for where to sew on the button and it will make it easier to line up the new button. If you can’t see the original mark, that’s ok, through trial and error hold the button and make sure it will line up with the button hole.

3. The first stitch

After you’ve lined up where you will place the button, hold the button in the spot you will sew to, and pierce the needle through the underside of the cloth, into one of the button holes (it doesn’t matter which hole you go through first). Pull the thread all the way through, but not too tight– you want the knot to catch and not pull all the way through.

4. Securing the button

Next, holding the needle, stitch into the diagonal hole (if it’s a four holed button, or to the other if it’s two holed) and pull the needle back through from the inside of the garment.

5. Sew away

Now that you’ve got the button secure, here is the fun part. For a four holed button rotate stitching x’s and boxes (for a two holed button just go back and forth) inside and out. Repeat steps 3 and 4 until you’ve run out of thread or feel the button is properly secure.

6. Finishing

Make the last stitch to face the inside of the garment. Cut the string directly underneath the eye of the needle, so now you have two ends. Using a simple cross knot, tie the two pieces about three times. Cut the excess string et voila! You’ve completely the original DIY, and now are a pro-button sewer!

See Also:

Clothes That Last (Almost) Forever: 5 Ways To Do Laundry Smarter

5 Ways Used Clothing’s Characteristics Makes It Wonderful

image: fstoaldo

The post How To Sew A Button Back On (The Original DIY) appeared first on EcoSalon.

The easiest summer addiction.

For coffee lovers, cold brew is summer’s nectar. You can of course buy cold brew systems, or end up with an expensive coffee shop addiction, but really all you need for delicious cold brew is a good coffee roast and a French press.

The key is letting the coffee steep over night, that way you don’t really have to think about it. Grind some beans when you get home from work, and by morning you’ll have fuel for a hot day.

Ingredients

• Coffee + water
• Ratios of coffee to water vary, and you can tweak according to how strong you want it. For a 32 ounce French press  (4 cups) I use about 3/4 cup coffee beans, so a little less than a 1 to 4 ratio.

Directions

Grind beans coarsely.

Place grinds in empty French press and fill with cold water. Gently stir with a spoon to mix.

Cover the French press with tinfoil and let steep for about 12 hours at room temperature. It’s even better when you let it sit for 24 hours, but that takes some planning.

Remove the tinfoil and press the grinds down. Serve over ice. If it’s a little strong, dilute with water.

Store in refrigerator in glass bottles or a covered pitcher.

Want more food inspiration? Check out the rest of our Sunday Recipe series. 

The post Sunday Recipe: Make Your Own Cold Brew Coffee appeared first on EcoSalon.

It’s time to get rid of your black thumb.

Getting into gardening can be overwhelming. Walk into any bookstore and check out their garden section and you’ll soon realize that you’re not the only one with questions. Just where should you put that basil so that it gets the best light? When should you start your tomato seedlings? What kind of soil should you buy? Can someone just give us step-by-step instructions? The answers to the first three may vary, but the answer to the fourth is, yes.

Mike Lieberman, who runs our own EcoSalon series Urban Gardener, is launching an online gardening course, Fall Gardening 101. It’s all for getting rid of your black thumb and ensuring that gardening isn’t so overwhelming, so that you can be producing your own food, hassle free.

From planning your space to caring for seedlings, Lieberman will cover all the topics that beginner gardeners have. And you’ll be able to get them answered all in one place, which means you can spend less time Googling and more time planting.

Ready to get gardening? Register for the course here.

Image: LOLren

The post Having Trouble With Starting Your Garden? There’s a Class for That appeared first on EcoSalon.

Common seed starting mistakes and ways to avoid them.

Let’s move forward with the next part of our urban gardening series and talk about seed starting.

Before we do that here is what we already covered – the basics of apartment gardening, choosing what vegetables to grow and buying from seed companies you can trust.

There are many things to consider when starting your seeds such as the growing media, light conditions and temperature. It can get to be a lot.

So I spoke with Michelle Moore, the owner of The Greenhouse Catalog, a year round online gardening supply company about common seed starting mistakes and ways to avoid them.

In this video, I share with you three tips, plus a bonus one from Moore to help you avoid the most common mistakes when starting your seeds.

Mike Lieberman shows people with little to no land how to start growing their own food so they can avoid toxic pesticides, eat healthier and not feel limited by their lack of experience and space. Connect with him here to learn more urban gardening tips.

Image: Will Merydith

The post Common Seed Starting Mistakes and How to Avoid Them appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnHigh fives, ladies, we’re the fixer-upper gender!

In light of the recent release of the Tush Tickler, your guide to “analplay adventures for everybooty,” you might be tempted to think there’s no personal development book under the sun left to be published, what with books being published where the sun don’t shine. You would think wrong. There are mines, rich veins, whole mountaintops of self help publishing left to be penetrated for our betterment. And isn’t that what it’s all about, ladies? Less thinking wrong, less thinking generally, more betterment?

They say print is dead. This simply isn’t true, because we have women, and as long as we have women, we will think of new books to improve them. Just check out these hot new self help titles for 2012!*

Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned From My Dental Hygienist. Everything

“Some people say cleanliness is next to godliness. Some people also say pearly whites are next to pearly gates.” – Fox News

Raising Self Esteem by Broadcasting Everything Wrong With Yourself in Social Media

“Stunningly original approach to self help. Guaranteed to be a smash hit. Step aside, 7 Habits of Highly Successful People. Move over, The Secret. Sure to be an instant classic.” – Kirkus Book Reviews

Life Without Contraception in This Country

“A brilliant guide for the suddenly lesbian.” –  San Francisco Chronicle

Just Keep Telling Yourself It’s Not Personal, and Other Coping Techniques for Losers

“Denial is not to be stamped out, but amplified, explains this sage and insightful personal development primer that is the best thing I’ve seen yet at this low paying self help book review job I absolutely adore and vastly prefer to writing my novel.” – Internet Book Reviews Reviews of Books Best Book Reviews Online Internet Resource for Book Reviews Win Free Money, a subsidiary of Demand Media

If You Could Only Be Perfect!

“For the adult child who longs for the odd comfort of daily remonstrations at the hands of a tyrannical parent, this cruel, critical, fault-finding, nagging book is a lifeline nearly as judgmental as Mom herself, and certainly as disappointed as the Baby Jesus. The accompanying photo album for holding embarrassing childhood photographs to show prospective suitors is a thoughtful touch from the publisher, which clearly spared no expense in the creative development and packaging of this timely title. Now, more than ever, we need self-loathing.” – Brigham Young University Press

So He Left You for a 25-Year-Old She Probably Squeaks, and Other Crass Koans to Help You Feel Less Bitter About Being 50 and Divorced with a Credit Rating Shot to Hell Thanks to That Jerk Who Is So Immature Even the Therapist Despises Him Especially After She Slept with Him Because He’s Not Even Good in Bed! I Know!

“The author holds a canny grasp on the marriage zeitgeist, which is to say, the divorce zeitgeist.” – the Guardian

The Art of the Fake Orgasm

“A helpful how-to for pretending to reach climax during sexual intercourse, this delightful guide is full of creative tips for faking orgasm, along with dozens of real stories from women – and men – of all walks of life. This work would have been enhanced by the inclusion of expert insights from health professionals instead of the author’s friends. Still, a useful book for those interested in mastery of fake orgasms.” – Publishers Weekly

Is It Just Me or Does Nonviolent Communication Feel Like Suffocating Inside Sweaty Flannel Sheets?

“That’s not the actual title, but it should be! The NVC Myth: My Years of Suffering Through the Most Annoying Form of Communication on Earth really nails it. I knew exactly what the author meant the second I saw the book. For the stage five clinger not wanting the relationship to end and therefore having difficulty accepting the other party’s lack of interest, NVC must be a thrilling godsend, a therapeutically validated method for maintaining the connection for as long as humanly possible. For the party who isn’t the control freak endowed with epic levels of neurotic insecurity, NVC feels pretty much like you’re still dating the person only this time completely against your will.” – Amazon buyer itsworsethanherpes

How to Stop Beating Yourself Up for Misplacing the Keys for the Seven Millionth Time Today in One Easy Step Which We’ll Just Put in the Title: Anytime You Lose Something It Will Always Be Wherever You Left It, Except if There’s an Earthquake Then It Might Not Be Right Exactly Where You Left It But Probably Still Pretty Close By

“Though the entire contents of the book are on the cover, the intrepid reader or average New Yorker will soon grasp the many layers of this fundamental truism of life resting poetically within a simplistic single line. At once simple and nuanced, by turns pithy and existential, at once hilarious and brutal, by turns banal and profound, at once postmodern and tragic, by turns brisk and solemn, at once boring and random, by turns witty and frank, at once silly and bold, by turns like a girl wrote it and intelligent, at once riveting and poignant, by turns refreshing and compelling, this book is a triumph, an opus, a masterpiece, a tour de force. Deeply present. Deeply personal. Deeply provocative. Deeply shallow, while being deep in a shallow way. A Midwestern sensibility delicately permeates this experimental title, which is paradoxical in a richly ironic sense, reminiscent of the very best early work of Dave Eggars but also the biting disgust of a slightly older, slightly puffier Jonathan Franzen; both quiet like DeLillo and noisy like Safran Foer, if they were beverages. The book for the times, the book of the times, the book and the times.” –  The New York Times Book Review

What To Do About Your Wide Set Cleavage

“Wide set cleavage is a problem most women have, though many simply don’t realize it. This step-by-step guide takes the reader from DIY all the way to surgery, with scaffolding diagrams, resources, and plenty of tips for each stage of the journey to more attractive breasts.” – Allure

We need so much help. So much.

This is the latest installment in your editor’s column, The Insider’s Guide to Life.

*Note: These are not actual books nor actual reviews.

Image: quinn.anya

The post The Insider’s Guide to Life: 10 New Self Help Titles You Don’t Want to Miss appeared first on EcoSalon.

A step by step guide to upcycled velo style. 

When a friend’s tire went flat on a bike ride earlier this year, I asked her if I could keep the tube.

“You want my punctured tube?” she asked, with a slight hint of  “are you nuts?”

“Yes.”

“What are you going to do with it?”

“I don’t know, earrings maybe?”

I had been mulling the idea over for quite some time. Alchemy Goods and Green Guru are known for their upcycled bike tube designs that I have fallen in love with numerous times, and I figured that if they could do it, so could I, at least on a small scale. A few samples later and several friends were outfitted with new earrings.

From afar, these bike tube earrings look like they might even be made from metal, but in actuality they’re flexible and incredibly lightweight, perfect for when you want a pair of statement earrings but want to forgo the weight that’s normally associated with them.

Where do you find bike tubes? Go the standard route and put out a call out to your velo loving friends – a Facebook request yielded about 30 used tubes that an old friend had been saving in his basement for a good project – or ask a local bike shop. Got a tube? Let’s get started.

Supplies

• Used bike tube
• X-Acto knife
• Scissors
• Paper
• Pencil
• 2 earring wire hooks
• Jewelry pliers

Begin by prepping your bike tube. Cut the tube open near the valve and then cut straight down the middle of the entire tube.

Because used tubes tend to be a little grimy, wash the tube with warm, soapy water and hang to dry. I find the best way to store tubes once you have prepped them is to roll them up and put a rubber band around them, this way you can easily cut of the right sized pieces for what you’re making and neatly store the rest for future use.

Draw your design on a piece of paper and use as a template to cut out shapes from bike tube.

Because the bike tube will naturally curl, make sure you cut lengthwise along the tube, i.e. in the direction of the natural ridges of the tube and not perpendicular to them.

Cutting lengthwise will keep the leaf from curling upwards and allow it to hang straight down instead.

Once you have cut out your leaf, use the X-acto knife to cut out the center sections. Be creative! Some of my favorite designs that I have ended up come from simply cutting freehand.

When you have cut the first leaf you can follow the same form to do the second one.

Use the X-Acto knife to make a tiny insert at the top of the leaf.

Use a pair of jewelry pliers to insert the earring wires into the hole.

And now you’re ready to sport your upcycled designs all over town!

The post DIY: Upcycled Bike Tube Earrings appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnSix reasons it’s hot to be single right now.

American women are marrying later in life than ever before – the Pew Research Center just released a report indicating the average marrying age is now 28. Coupling-up and exchanging wedding bands used to be considered the gateway into adulthood. Now, individuals trend toward greater concern for their own self-growth, postponing marriage until their personal lives are in order – college, career, world travel, financial security, emotional preparedness. The maturity and economic stability that come with age actually makes divorce less likely for those who wed in their late 20s or 30s. Delaying long-term partnership actually increases its chances for lifelong success.

It is a uniquely privileged point in human history to be without the imperative to trade nuptials and reproduce as soon as you leave home. Our culture of singledom is, in fact, an anthropological luxury. Then why is it that so many of my girlfriends – attractive, twenty and thirtysomething urbanites with rewarding jobs in creative fields – are so focused on circumventing their singleness and honing in on a man who’s the one? In my view, no pursuit could be more pointless. What other opportunity in all of your days will you have the choice to be alone? Maximize this chance while you can. Being single is a temporary state you should relish, rather than run away from. Now is the time to luxuriate in the pleasure of yourself unto yourself, with the how and why all laid out neatly in our weekly Sex by Numbers:

1. Unbearable Lightness of Being: Inevitably, most humans shack up and make babies; indeed, the bulk of women reading this article will spend the greater percentage of their existence in the role of mother and domestic partner. Probably you’ll cohabitate, maybe you’ll marry, and likely over the course of your lifetime you’ll end up doing this several times. The fact of the matter is that your lifespan provides precious few periods to be recklessly happy and accountable to no one but yourself. Women across time and culture could only fantasize about such unprecedented freedom and lightness of being.

2. No One Is Going to Save You: All the struggle, striving, and fretting to find a man is misdirected. This attitude can make you worrisome, stingy, single-minded, and unattractive. Your interior state, no matter how much a person seeks to hide it, manifests in your exterior – whether that be a complaining disposition, lines on your face that register self-pity, or an unhealthy body that reflects emotional and psychological imbalance. Try as one might, there is no masking disproportionate attention on meeting the man you think might save you from your single state. Hear this: If you’re really in need of saving, the only one who can accomplish this is you.

3. No Overeager Beavers: Don’t shy away from sharing affection and enjoying new experiences with men – just don’t peg hopes or expectations on him. It’s not fair to the guy and, even worse, leads to the aforementioned single-mindedness. He and you have only known one another a short while – whether that be a week or a year – and you have no obligations toward and no contract with one another. Be excited about novel experiences, fresh input, and animal attraction – but chill, girl. It’s much sexier to exercise remove than overeager projection of desire.

4. There’s Nobody Eating Finger Paint: You don’t have to clean up after your careless and untidy domestic partner, nor do you have to reason with your four-year-old daughter about the dangers of ingesting her finger paint. Right now, you have only to attend to your personal needs, and you should do so lavishly. Never again will you get to live for yourself, and only yourself. I’m not going to patronize you by enumerating the endless (and endlessly cool) healthy habits and hobbies you could be cultivating, but you’d better be damn sure to throw yourself headlong into the one shot you’ve got at kicking ass and taking names. (In my world, this might include learning how to pickle sweet summer vegetables, taking an Afro-Haitian dance class, learning conversational German, and downloading lots of Noam Chomsky podcasts to listen to on my morning walk to work.)

5. Be the Girl Who’s Game: There is no better opportunity to cultivate a circle of intimates than the present. The profound sense of connection borne of romantic relationship is infinitely rewarding, but so is being the life of the party and belonging to an ever-expanding network of friends. So long as another person is worth the time and energy, never turn down a social invitation: Who knows what meeting for tapas and sangria with a loose circle of acquaintances will lead to? Every cocktail party, every lunch date, and every let’s-go-jogging-together-at-the-park could very well result in unforeseen adventure.

6. Savor Selectivity: The city, and all the boys in it, are your playground – but don’t you remember that the best part of recess was choosing the swing-set over the see-saw? If this metaphor isn’t clear, let me spell it out: Sure, it’s fun to try out all of the implements and apparatuses on the playground, but it’s much more fun to avoid the the tennis courts if you don’t like balls flying at your face. Get it? If a guy asks you out, it’s okay to say No, thank you. The aforementioned be-game-for-anything doctrine doesn’t apply to meh men. It’s much more fun to stick with the hot shit rather than tolerate something mediocre just because you feel lonely. Go on a late-night bike ride, grab a drink with a colleague, or buck caution and stay out late dancing with friends. Whatever you do, don’t let him touch you unless you’re grooving him without equivocation. Being selective is sexy, but more so it spares you unnecessary emotional clutter. This summer, minimalism is tres chic.

ALSO CHECK OUT:

How to Deal With Being Lonely

23 Free and Fun Date Ideas

True Stories of Hooking Up

Sex By Numbers is an ongoing look into the emotional and sexual lives of the modern day woman. Follow Abigail Wick weekly here for insight and inspiration as she explores the “sex” of women and the terrain they must travel.

Image: Anthony Albright

The post Sex by Numbers: 6 Reasons to Love Being Single appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnTips for dealing with female bullies.

One of my favorite stories is the one about my good friend and the little dog. When this friend, whose name is Carol, was a girl growing up in a suburban Seattle cul-de-sac, the neighborhood kids would often meet up after school in a patch of undeveloped woods nearby to play. One day, as she was running along the sidewalk to meet her friends, a neighbor’s Yorkshire terrier came charging down the path at her, and bit her hard. Carol didn’t think twice about how to respond. She picked her up and bit her back. No matter how many times I’ve heard it, I whoop when she tells me how totally shocked the little dog was. As you can imagine, that bitch never bit her again.

Bullies sure do come in all kinds of packages.

A bully can be an adorable Yorkie with a velveteen bow. A bully can be handsome, beautiful, rich, glamorous or more typically, feign a great approximation. This is so that you can later slam your head against the wall while asking yourself, “What the hell did I see in them?” A bully might be your neighbor, your mother-in-law, your business partner, your new best friend. Bullies may be do-gooding, world-saving, tree-hugging, down-and-out-helping, soup-ladling. A friend of mine knows a woman whose mother is a famous self-help guru. The woman herself is a psychotherapist; after many years in therapy she decided she might as well practice it. The reason she spent so many years in therapy is because her famous self-help guru mother hit her all the time.

Forget the bow. Ignore packaging, proceed to contents. Here’s how you know a bully: they bite.

Have you been bullied? I have – more than once, if you count having to live with roommates, and then there’s the one for the ages. My bully, my friend. She really had it all: money, warts, and herpes. I watched my bully cut every friend out of her life in the short time I had the misfortune of knowing her. Of course then it seemed an eternity, or at least a semester. I could have sworn she had made a list of everyone she knew, and one day decided to work her way down it, with the goal of leaving behind as much ruin and destruction to impress me as possible. When she severed ties with her best friend – who was terrified of her – over an argument about pleats on skirts, I reckoned my neck was up next. It was. Where I had once existed on a pedestal, I was now a bunion on the vamp of her progress, a sea urchin in the waters of her expression. Simply showing up to my life each morning caused her suffering. Couldn’t I wash my car more often? Couldn’t I change my ring tone? Did it matter if I had feelings and hopes and dreams or a separate different definitely provable-by-science autonomous existence apart from hers?

Faced with the inevitable path before me, I armed myself with psychology books from more than one trip to Barnes & Noble and consulted my people. Soon enough, having exhausted her supply of other people to chew on, she started biting me. Because I had prepared, I was able to walk away in a move that left her spluttering – I bit back – but what if she’d been my boss? Oh, that’s right, she was.

Who on earth are these people? Tina Fey called them Mean Girls, and they are everywhere, no matter how grown up we get. Naively, I had approached my very first bully with the plucky optimism of a community fundraiser. Soon, she needed me and my reliable niceness, and when you get to that point it’s a short trip to toast. I was but the earnest wheat germ, she, the flaring toaster.

Public service moment: Awareness of bullying has increased in recent years as our society has become more comfortable with acknowledging how bullying can be devastating, potentially scarring us for life. If you have a child who is being bullied, or if you yourself are in a situation you cannot get out of, or if the bullying has become abusive, this is not the best article for you. You should seek professional help now. The good news is that there is recourse in many cases; in fact, some states, such as Massachusetts, have even outlawed bullying. The trouble with bullying, though, is that as adults we can’t drag our bullies to the principal’s office.

How are we supposed to be women of principle and planet when we’ve got a yipping Yorkie on our butts? Easy. Really. When it comes to dealing with the garden variety mean girl, you do not need to read Sun Tzu. You do not need to possess Machiavellian insight. You do not even need to read every single one of the books I read (although please don’t tell the authors I said that). Here’s what you do need to know about your female bully:

1. Learn your bully. It won’t be hard. First, know that she is not well. She is really miserable. We are not talking about your friend with her flaws who lashed out that one time because her boyfriend dumped her. We are not talking about your bossy boss or your crazy client. We are talking core unwell, status Mother Mary. If you are sensitive to others, it can be easy to focus on their flaws, but remember that most people are basically good and decent, with occasional blips of stupid behavior. Learn to differentiate dramatic blips from toxic patterns.

2. But dear God, don’t be fascinated by her. If you’re a forensic dork like me, by all means, read twelve or twenty books on bullying. Google your heart out. But don’t get so sucked in to her neurosis or pathology that you fall for your bully. Bullies are really rather empty save for their pain, which is why they are unhappy, which is why they lash out. Translation: they aren’t that interesting. They have very little capacity for self-awareness. Oh, they may know they are mean and nasty – and she will probably even brag about it – but think about it. Since they’re rocking it so hard, it must be all they have. Your bully is but a vapid inedible puffball of mean, stuck on Repeat.

3. Find some compassion. I’m serious: she is miserable. I know it is very hard when someone is targeting you – hurting your business, or your good name, or just you – and really, really hard if you must spend a lot of time with this woman or if she pays your bills, but remember that she is miserable. If you can muster even the tiniest bit of compassion for her – and I am talking corn kernel – it will help you feel relief. Comfort. Happiness. Security. Acceptance. Warmth. Love. Have you experienced these things? Your bully hasn’t, at least not nearly enough to function. Happy people who feel safe and loved do not actively bother with controlling and hurting others. They just function.

4. But show no mercy. Compassion is essential to coping, and it’s also just good karma. But it’s for you, not her. Don’t feel compelled to help, mentor, teach or love her and by doing so, become complicit in your own abuse. She is not your case. She is not your concern. If you’re forced to engage with her for professional reasons or personal commitments, keep it as light and brief as possible, and don’t ever reach out to her in a spur of generosity. Forgiveness does not require masochism. No drunk texting your bully, baby.

5. Understand that she operates on one channel: hers. And it’s boring. You may seriously wonder if she has Asperger’s, or start to think that she has a hearing problem. How could anyone be so derivative, grandiose and obtuse? A bully could. Learn the traits of narcissism; the fat red flag is contempt, but there are eight more signs. Bullying is the calling card of the narcissist. Narcissists are self-absorbed to the point that they don’t recognize others as individuals with their own needs, and I am not talking about your cat. They’re both shallow and self-obsessed, but at least the cat doesn’t bite.

6. Love the one you’re with? Never. If you’re skilled at pacifying, whether from growing up with an abusive or addicted parent or managing child actors, you’re particularly at risk for doing this. Don’t try to be “the one” that your bully adores while everyone else gets the mean treatment. Eventually, your bully will turn on you, and it will hurt.

7. Walk away. Did you consider this? If the thought of never seeing your bully again gives you more joy than the thought of a bathtub full of calorie-free sea-salt and caramel chocolate truffles dipped in lottery tickets, fame, a flat stomach and true love, it’s time to walk away. We can get so wrapped up in our bullies and their bad behavior, we forget that just a few short months or years ago, we were living the charmed life free of Cruella. Just imagine: You can live that life again. Unless it’s your married mate or your boss, you can walk away fairly quickly and easily. Really. I promise. I know, you’re saying “But I just can’t, you don’t understand!” I do. Walk away. You will not die and you will not get sued. (And if you really fear for your life, see the above note about getting professional help.) Bullies can be smart; they can even be right. But they are never entitled to bite.

8. What a keeper! Here’s the other thing about bullies: they almost always come back. That’s because as narcissists, they have terrible memories in every sense – terrible in a way that thrills with its occasional laser focus, and terrible in a way that infuriates with its amnesiac spin. You can bite back, walk away, avoid, or simply suffer in silence, and they will always test the fences. Keep her on a short leash lest she keep you.

9. Pretend she is spectacularly stupid. Treat your bully as if she is at least a full quadrant on the IQ chart below Larry in Dumb and Dumber. We can spend infinite mind time asking “Why me? Why that? Why would she?” This is a waste of your energy. You are dealing with the emotional and intellectual equivalent of an office chair. Bullies often don’t know their bad behavior is bad, so don’t assume they know. The reason they’ve gotten so far in life behaving this way is because they’ve encountered a whole lot of people like you – that is, sane, normal folk – who all think “No one could possibly do this on purpose! Why me? Why that? Why would she?” Nice can get you a long way, but spice can get you further. So, when your bully lashes out, call it with confidence. Don’t be hostile; simply state that you recognize this behavior as aggressive and inappropriate, and you will not tolerate it because you don’t like to be treated that way. You’re not on a committee with her; this is not a review-the-behavior democracy. You are in charge, you define, you speak up, and that’s final. It’s so easy after you do it once, you’ll be annoyed that you didn’t do it sooner. It really works. Don’t yell, don’t coddle, don’t back down. Just express, and then shut up. Your bully will react in three ways: she will suddenly find a fascinating hole in the floor into which to crawl; she will erupt in screams and tears (don’t hug her), or she will act like you didn’t say a thing. But at least for that day, she will stop.

10. Don’t bite back too hard. A mean girl is really more bark than bite. Think about it: when someone is playing an abusive mind game with you, it only works if you participate. Bullying requires you to play the game, too. If you walk away, or take off the gear, neither one of you can play anymore. Seth Godin said it best: “Drop the ball.” (I wish I could find the permalink; if you do, tell me.) Realize that your bully is really quite weak – this is a little girl throwing a tantrum, not Maleficent directing the ozone layer. Walking away is shock enough to the bully, who has the emotional fortitude of a Yorkie. You’re just a shape or a shadow in her picture postcard world, so disrupting the mirage and stepping out of the frame is going to be deeply terrifying to her. Despite your overwhelming desire (believe me, I know), avoid layin’ it on thick with added helpings of vitriol or vengeance.

And good luck. There are so many nice girls, there’s just no time for mean. Find your true friends and together, you can do a lot, including calling off the dog or, when necessary, biting back.

P.S. My good friend Carol who bit the dog back is my mother. Thanks, Mom.

This is the latest installment in your editor’s column, The Insider’s Guide to Life, exploring topics such as media, culture, sex, politics, and anything else. Cheers and spellcheck!

Image: djg0333

The post The Insider’s Guide to Life: Bite Me appeared first on EcoSalon.