Why you might want to reconsider calling yourself a sapiosexual on your online dating profile.

Remember back in the day when someone decided labeling guys with hygiene as “metrosexual” was a good idea? Then came “lumbersexual” to describe men who don’t shave and wear flannel. (I wish I was joking.) And now, just when you start to think, “Hey, maybe we’re finally over labeling and categorizing each other,” we decide to invent the most pretentious label of all: “sapiosexual.”

According to Urban Dictionary, sapiosexual means “one who finds intelligence the most sexually attractive feature.” It also means high school isn’t over after all—you know, as much as you’ve tried blocking the ordeal from your memory. Not only has the term become an official sexual orientation on the uber-popular dating site OKCupid, but NPR recently reported it’s become one of the site’s trendiest new terms. (Still not joking.)

I hate to break your insanely pretentious bubble, but being a sapiosexual is total BS. Intelligent people aren’t going to get in touch with you for drinks, just the wannabes parading around as intelligent people. (Which, now that I think about it, might be a good thing. Excuse me while I ponder that in my well-stuffed armchair and smoking jacket.)

Let’s disregard the fact that “sapiosexual” isn’t a legit sexual orientation and instead focus on a fact so obvious it’s surrounded by a dozen flashing arrows: Intelligence is subjective. As a sapiosexual, you should know this already. For example, I’ve always been known as the “brainer” in my crew—the straight-A student and all that jazz. But life skills? Pffft, I just learned how to make scrambled eggs about two months ago, and when I socialize I turn into Chris Farley hosting The Chris Farley Show. We’re all intelligent in some ways, and completely hopeless in others. It’s called being human.

Not only do our opinions on intelligence vary, but so do our priorities: You might be looking for a guy who can quote Simone de Bouvoir, whereas all I’m after is a guy who can explain season two of “True Detective” to me. And at the end of the day, if his double-clicking your mouse results in your vagina falling asleep, the “sapio” part of the equation won’t save him.

Online dating is nerve-wracking enough without giving someone a mental illness as they wonder if they’re coming off “sapiosexual” enough for you. And not to be a downer or anything, but what if you’re not sapiosexual enough for them? (I know, I just blew your mind and now you’re in love with me.)

In using this label, you’re adding fuel to an already hypocritical fire: We’re constantly encouraging each other to be authentic, yet the second one of us starts coloring outside the lines, we find ways to label that person in a pathetic attempt to regain a sense of control that doesn’t exist.

Accept the fact that you have no idea what you’re looking for in a plus one. Accept the fact that none of us know what we’re doing in life. Accept the fact that we’re all full of shit (yes, including me). And accept the fact that the person you end up falling in love with is never the type you’d expect—and that if it weren’t true, you wouldn’t want to fall in love anyway.

How do you feel about the latest online dating buzzword du jour?

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Image: OKCupid

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I pride myself in being not too concerned about my age. I mean, the alternative is death, so this is pretty good, right? But every so often, even I, totally zen Stutzer, start to freakout about my age when some idiot bursts out with a, “wow! You’re old,” when they hear my age, or check my ID.

Now, I’m just a common, everyday human who just works at a computer most of the day. No one really cares about my age, and I sure as heck don’t need to lie about my age for any particular reason. (I’m not dating online anymore after all… more on that later.) But women in Hollywood have it totally different. Why? The simple, and somewhat snarky answer is: Because Hollywood is full of butt faces who discriminate against aging women.

Time and time again, articles, blogs, and posts are published that contain information about some executive stating that so-and-so is too old to play a certain role. And that’s why this whole recent brush-up about Rebel Wilson’s real age is so weird.

According to Salon, Wilson got a lot of heat for saying that she is younger than she actually is. But why wouldn’t Wilson fib a little about her age? After all, this is the industry that has told Maggie Gyllenhaal, a 37-year-old actress, that she was too old to be cast as the lover of a 55-year-old man.

While lying about your age may be a necessity in Hollywood (if you want to work), many of us average, normal-job-having ladies lie about our ages, too. Why? Well, apparently men on dating websites have issues with aging women, too.

Now, I never had an issue with my age (32!) while dating around, but apparently, many women do:

– We reported a few months ago about the weirdo, bogus price-hike Tinder placed on over-30 premium account users. This hike was aimed at aging women and men.

– And get a load of this cheery antidote from the Salon article:

“In an interview at Match.com, ‘The Dating Race’ author Stacy Kravetz laid out the stark reality for women dating online: ‘Men tend to worry that women between 35 and, say, their early 40s are bound and determined to have kids. So even if they’re 35 themselves, men tend to look for women who are younger just to take the pressure off the situation.'”

Ah. The joys of some social realities.

Have you ever felt like you had to lie about your age to attain something? Do you think discrimination against aging women will ever cease?

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Image for woman at casting call from Shutterstock

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Online dating tips abound, but is anything more important than the first impression from your profile pic?

Online dating can be really uncomfortable. Don’t make the experience any more uncomfortable by just uploading all of the following uncomfortable, boring pics.

Online dating is hard. Really, really hard. Every time I fill out a new online dating profile (yes, I’ve done this multiple times), I die a little. Did I represent myself correctly? Did I mention my love of horror and obsession with death a tad too much? It’s maddening. And once you pass the “writing the perfect profile” hurdle, you’ve got to worry about what photos to upload. This. Is. Never. Fun.

Over the years, I’ve uploaded a bevy of photos to various dating sites. Most get an OK response, but even I know that some of my profile pics are cringe worthy. So, why do I still use them? I’m really not sure. Because it’s easy? Because I am trying to be cute? Lord knows.

After years (and years) of online dating, I’ve pinpointed a few online dating profile photo styles that make me cringe (even though I’ve used similar shots of myself). Avoid humiliation by heeding my seasoned dating advice.

Online Dating Tips for the Ultimate Profile Pic

1. The Selfie

Selfies are fun. But do you really want the only representation of yourself on your dating profile to be a selfie? I think not. Don’t shy away from using selfies altogether – just use them sparingly. Try to make your main profile shot a clear photo of your face (sans a stretched out arm and duck face).

Image: Leo Hidalgo

2. The Bathroom Full Body Shot

Do you have a friend? A family member? Cool! Ask them to take a full body shot next time you’re out. Using the tried and rather mundane method of taking a photo of your body in your bathroom is better than nothing (your potential dates should really be able to get a good look at you before taking you out), but lazy at best.

3. The Chest Shot

So, you work out? Why don’t you talk about your love of lifting rather than taking a shot of your sculpted abs? “Ab shots” don’t make good profile photos (hello, where’s your face), and can make you look a bit, uh, superficial. This goes for girls and guys.

Image: Hot Gossip Italia

4. The Artistic “Just the Face” Shot

Nope. Uh-uh. You are not as creative as you think you are. Save these shots for Instagram.

Image: Jordy Ferket

5. The Shot with a Dog/Cat/Baby

Believe me, I want to showcase my pups, too. But it’s probably best to upload photos with your furry friends (and other people) to another album on your profile. Your profile pic should just showcase your beautiful face.

Image: Robert Neff

Note: None of these photos are actual “dating website photos,” except mine. (I’m the bathroom full body shot.) Laugh it up, folks. That’s what I’m here for. All other shots were grabbed to depict what I see online via Creative Commons.

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Resource

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Image: Andrew Fysh

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If you’re a single woman, (or have been single in the past eight to 10 years, or so) you’ve probably given online dating a shot. Whether you’ve shelled out some cash for sites, such as Match.com, or just gone the free route by signing up for OKCupid, or Tinder, I bet you’ve received more than a few creepy messages from dudes. It just comes with the territory, which is quite unfortunate.

After all, online dating isn’t all bad experiences and creepy threats. I’ve been off and on dating websites for the past five years or so. (Most recently on, though — single ladies represent!) And the majority of my long-term, happy relationships have come from meetings from these sites. But for every lovely message I get from a man who shares my love of horror and music, there are probably three more that are creepy, gross, or just plain disrespectful. “I want to f*** you up against a wall because you’re so hot, but then kiss you gently because you’re so cute,” is just one of the banner messages I’ve received while traversing the land of online dating.

I, like many women, have had to deal with scads of emails from men who flip when I don’t respond to their messages within 24 hours. Also: Emails about how “hot” I am – I don’t even need to talk! Then there are the dick pics — yes — I received my very first one last week. I feel like I deserve a prize, or something. Here are the few other gems I’ve received over the past week and a half:

Now, I haven’t let these creepy messages scare me away. I think that online dating is a great way to meet people. I’m the first to admit that I stink at attracting men at bars, or traditional places where people go to meet. I still haven’t mastered that whole eye contact thing, yet. These sites — free and paid — give me a place to really explain who I am. And let’s face it — I’m a writer. So, the written — not spoken — word is my go-to “how do you do.”

While I won’t let these damaged dudes scare me away from finding a decent guy, I still hate that women, in general, are kinda “forced” to put up with this type of stuff. Sure, we can choose to block these guys, or just ignore them, but the fact that there are some men who think it’s completely acceptable to just harass women online for the hell of it is quite disturbing. What’s up with that?

Well, my best guess (along with most other womens’ best guess, too) is that guys like this want to make women feel bad for making them feel bad. OK, I get that, but if you can’t handle rejection, you probably shouldn’t be dating. Because dating, basically, is a series of rejections until you find someone you dig. It ain’t easy or for the faint of heart, but it is what it is.

So, fellas (and women who send equally yucky messages) – just stop it. We all hate rejection. Let’s just all acknowledge that this is way hard, and act like adults, OK? OK.

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The post Online Dating is Full of Love… and Some Creepy Hate appeared first on EcoSalon.

What is up with these uber-strange online dating websites that’ll make you laugh (or cry)?

There are so many online dating websites available that if you’re single and don’t want to be – well, there’s just no excuse. Generic online dating websites like Match.com and OKCupid aren’t the only fish in the sea.

Maybe you have a specific fetish or ultra-picky eating habits. There are definitely online dating websites for you – you just need to dig deep enough. It’s not as hard as it used to be to find a special someone who’s into a similar brand of weird.

Here are just 11 of the unbelievably specific (and unbelievably strange) online dating websites out there:

1. AgeMatch
www.agematch.com
If you’re looking for someone older – as in, they were going through their first divorce as you were going into the fifth grade – then they’ll help you find your perfect match.

2. Ashley Madison
www.ashleymadison.com
Their slogan is “Life is short. Have an affair.” Oh. Em. Gee. If you see this website on your computer’s search history, bust out the divorce papers stat.

3. CougarLife
www.cougarlife.com
This site’s specifically for older women looking for younger men, and visiting this site was like a glimpse into my future.

4. Darwin Dating
www.darwindating.com
Darwin Dating is for good-looking people only (with a double-underline under only, in case you didn’t see it the first time). They actually have a list of banned characteristics – a middle part, pasty skin, and saggy anything to name a few. If you’re not sure that you make the cut, members will vote on your hotness… perfect for if you don’t have enough self-esteem issues.

5. DiaperMates
www.diapermates.com
If you’re into being an adult baby, or just plain enjoy wearing diapers… I can’t even.

6. Furry Mate
www.furrymate.com
If giant rabbit suits turn you on, Furry Mate will help you find your perfect anthropomorphic animal partner.

7. Mullet Passions
www.mulletpassions.com
An online dating website specifically for singles with a mullet and the people who appreciate these “unique trendsetters” (from the ’80s) – also good for fulfilling your Billy Ray Cyrus fantasy.

8. My Free Implants
www.myfreeimplants.com
This is a dating/fundraising website where wealthy men can donate money for women to score the breast implants of their dreams – and maybe fall in love with their knight in shining silicone. (I’d love to be there when they explain to the grandkids how they met.)

9. Purrsonals
www.purrsonals.com
An online dating site specifically for cat lovers where you’ll probably talk so much about your cats you’ll forget to do the dating part (at least, that’s what would happen to me).

10. VeggieDate
www.veggiedate.org
No, this isn’t for people who are into dating carrots, but fellow carrot-lovers. If you’re a vegetarian and want to meet someone with similar eating habits and beliefs, then look no further.

11. TallFriends
www.tallfriends.com
If you’re tall or have a thing for tall people, this site I can understand more than most – I’d imagine there’s nothing more boring than waiting for your sig-o to climb scaffolding just to kiss you.

What funny online dating websites have you come across?

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Image: friendly terrorist

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Tinder, an app for meeting people, is all the rage among singles and used by millions of people everyday. But is it really just about meeting people, and what is it doing to modern dating?

A playful dating game really, or more specifically, my friends use it as either a hookup app or an addicting past time where within a simple swipe of the finger you can open, or close doors to potential suitors (or one night stands).

It’s like the smartphone ‘circle yes or no’ of note-passing, except not.

Tinder works by referencing your geographic location and then filters matches accordingly. When you open the app you immediately see someone’s picture, name, and age based on their proximity to you. Now the choice is yours: You can swipe to the right for yes, or left for no. And let the games begin.

A match (direct communication) can only happen when someone you’ve liked has liked you too, and if that magic key is turned, the message format opens up, much like a text message. The playful interface really boils down to a game of Hot or Not.

Their tag-line is as vague and off course as the apps original purpose: “Tinder is how people meet. It’s like real life, but better.” Since it’s inception, just 16 months ago in September 2012, the app is used by millions every day. The company claims that on on average, it processes 50,000 requests per second, and 4.5 million matches a day.

Online dating is a growing industry–reaching about $1 billion in profit, but how likely are you to meet your soulmate on the flipping screen, and what is Tinder doing to the singles playing field?

It’s as shallow as a dried up puddle, and represents more of a video game than a meeting space. Tinder is just another log fueling our culture of fast pleasure because once you’ve ‘liked’ someone that has slightly struck your interest, you are already forgotten about them and you’re on to the next.

I suppose the app is really just a game, and as mind numbing as a bad cosmetic commercial. But have we gone so deep into virtual reality that Tinder really is “like real life, but better“? Is this future of meeting someone new? Or will user look back and laugh only to file it with Tamagachis or Pet Rocks? But, of course, we are talking about real people.

image: Tinder

See Also:

25 Dating Dealbreakers and How To Spot Them
Cohabitation Survival Guide 5 Habits for Healthy Relationships
30 Quotes on Building Healthy Relationships 

The post Tinder: Real Life But Better? Or Real Joke on Real People? appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnNow that internet-dating revenues exceed even those of the once-indomitable porn industry, online matchmaking is no longer the pitiable purview of computer trolls seeking intimacy and connection. This $4-billion global empire has become commonplace and, in some circles, even cool.

ManHunt (gay men), Amigos (Latinos), MillionaireMatch (wealthy), DeafDate (deaf), JDate (Jews), Prescription4Love (invalids), GreenFriends (environmentalists), CougarLife (older women and younger men), DiscreetAdventures (cheaters), TrekPassions (Trekkies, as in Star Trek) and WeWaited (virgins). With expanding niche psychographic and demographic forums and reported $4 billion revenues worldwide, online dating is no longer the disgraced purview of internet trolls seeking intimacy and connection through the web.

With global Facebook usage at 700 billion minutes per month and more than 600 million active users, social media networks of all stripes are a normalized, firmly entrenched aspect of contemporary culture. In the States, aggregate online dating revenue exceeds $1 billion; can’t quite wrap your head around that number?

Think of it this way: For the first time in history, more people shell out their money for internet match-making than online porn. In fact, porn sales are on a downward spiral, with a reported $74-million decline last year. The industry directly blames sites, such as eHarmony, Match.com, and OkCupid.

Love – and lust – have perplexed and confounded us throughout the ages. It drove Moghul emperor Shah Jahan to construct the Taj Majal after his beloved young wife, Arjumand Banu, died; in ancient Babylon, it prompted the suicides of studly Pyramus and lovely Thisbe; and it precipitated the murders of cheating Paolo and Frenchesca in Dante’s Divine Comedy.

Increasingly, however, these epic narratives seem quaint – and maybe even obsolete – in the face of online communications’ ever complicated stranglehold on the manufacture, and maintenance, of desire.

Thinking of throwing down $25-per-month into membership with an online dating behemoth, filling out 400 compulsory multiple choice questions to hone in on the optimal future father of your children, and sorting through reams of messages in your inbox, such as Yr hawt! LOL. Luv yr eyes! What’s yr cup size? Wanna go out for a cup of coffee….and then go from there? Think again – or, at least – think twice. Here it is, your weekly top-ten Sex by Numbers:

• Number of sex offenders who use online dating to meet people: 1 in 10

• Number of women who have sex on the first encounter after meeting a man through online dating: 1 in 3

• Number of states to pass Internet Dating Safety Acts: 2

• Top three basic facts men misrepresent in their online dating profiles: Age, height, income

• Top three basic facts women misrepresent in their online dating profiles: Weight, body type, age

• Percentage by which baby-boomer online dating usage has increased in past five years: 89

• Average number of months couples who meet in real-life wait before marrying: 42

• Average number of months couples who meet virtually wait before marrying: 18.5

• Percentage of childless women who decline to be matched with men who already have children: 70

• Number of online-dating users in India, the United States and China, respectively: 15 million, 40 million, 140 million

Sex By Numbers is an ongoing look into the emotional and sexual lives of the modern day woman. Follow Abigail Wick weekly here for insight and inspiration as she explores the “sex” of women and the terrain they must travel.

Image: pedrosimoes7

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