If your sex drive is MIA, word is a vagina massage can help you do some serious sexual healing.

There are plenty of reasons to visit a massage therapist—a pulled muscle, a sore back, or just because you deserve it—but have you ever considered indulging in a professional vagina massage? Yeah, me neither.

Called a yoni massage (yoni is the Sanskrit word for vagina, which loosely translated means “sacred space”), the focus isn’t so much on locating your long lost orgasm, but on building a stronger bond between you and your sexuality. (Translation: You’ll score a steamier sex life.) If you’ve had crappy sexual experiences in the past or are healing from a sexual trauma, a yoni massage can help you regain control of your sex life.

According to Cosmopolitan, you can now schedule a yoni massage in most major cities in the West, and it’s becoming part of a “growing movement of sexual healing for women”:

“The most famous example of the rise in spiritual sex therapy is the orgasmic meditation group OneTaste, which, according to journalist Sarah Barmak, has gone from having about 50 members to tens of thousands in just a few years. Barmak also cites Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts in New York, which teaches women how to master their “power, pleasure and spirit,” and Instagram phenom Kim Anami, who lifts vaginal weights while traveling the world and promises to make her students into ‘well-fucked women.'”

The process starts with a full-body massage to trigger relaxation (and hopefully a sense of comfort and trust with your masseuse), followed by a gentle massage of the outside of your vagina and clitoris. The masseuse doesn’t enter your vagina without asking permission, helping you regain a sense of power you may have lost somewhere along the line.

True, many of us resist our sexuality and build walls so as to not get hurt, but I have to ask: How exactly does a stranger poking and prodding your nether regions awaken your suppressed libido? Mine would probably be all, “Peace out!” and I’d never hear from it again. In all seriousness, I don’t think I could get past the whole “pap smear” vibe for the experience to do me any good.

There’s also the issue of credibility. What kind of training do you have to go through to become a yoni masseuse? Not to get all neurotic or anything, but some wacko could easily print a degree off the Internet, light a few scented candles, and drop words like “tantric” and “chi” while violating you sexually and taking your money. For the sake of our dignity, maybe it would be best to consider this “service” the female version of a happy ending and call it a day.

Then again, maybe it’s just my blocked chi talking.

Then again again (ha), being that this whole vagina massage thing is supposed to come from a place of love and respect, it could be a great way to generate a stronger bond with your partner. Consider it foreplay 2.0: getting in touch with your sexuality while learning to trust your partner in the most intimate way imaginable. Plus, if you have to deal with the occasional boredom that surfaces when giving a BJ, the least he can do is return the favor, amiright?

The most compelling aspect of the yoni massage is that it’s not about the orgasm—because in making it about the big O, it becomes about the person giving the massage and not the woman receiving it, which totally defeats the purpose. And let’s face it: Many of us don’t hit the jackpot because we’re so focused on doing so that we leave our vagina vulnerable to stage fright.

A yoni massage can last a few minutes or a few hours, but what matters is the bond it creates between the two… well, technically, three of you. This should be the one area of your life where there’s no plans and no goals—and no emotional blockages. It should be about the journey and not the destination, and a yoni massage just might help you keep your priorities in check.

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Massage image via Shutterstock

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How to make period sex a little more sexy and a little less… massacrey.

There’s no way around it: periods are a total pain in the vagina, and depending on how severe can be a total buzzkill in the bedroom. It’s not because we’re embarrassed by them—this isn’t high school, after all—but because we feel disgusting. We’re crampy, we’re bloaty, we’re definitely moody, and we just want to deal with our random diarrhea attacks in peace. With chocolate and Netflix.

My hatred of period sex has nothing to do with society conditioning me into thinking it’s “gross” or “wrong,” and I’ve never cared about what boyfriends think about it either. It’s a perfectly natural bodily process, but during said process my head simply isn’t in the game. Sex becomes this mechanical, awkward romp, and the logistics don’t do it for me.

But when your boyfriend’s looking at you with his I’m-about-to-hump-the-sofa-cushion face, you’ve got to do your best to play red rover in such a way so it benefits the both of you. Here are some pointers that really do help:

1. Always be prepared

Spontaneous period sex is one of the biggest buzzkills, since you’re not so much focused on the sex itself, but keeping the mess to a minimum. Lay a dark towel on the bed, and keep some handy wipes in your nightstand for a quick and easy cleanup afterward.

2. Set the mood

You might not feel all that hot, but you can always fake it till you make it. Dim the lights, light some candles, wear some kinky lingerie. Soon, you’ll be too busy getting busy to notice your period.

3. Have shower sex

If you’re not-so-prepared and don’t want to put your makeout on pause by looking for a towel and all that jazz, suggest getting frisky in the shower. It’s the best way to have period sex without feeling like you’re having period sex.

4. Do the menstrual cup thing

Menstrual cups are a sex-friendly alternative to tampons and sanitary pads. It collects blood instead of absorbing it, so you can leave it there during period sex and switch back to your regularly scheduled programming afterward.

5. Try new positions

Lying on your back or side will be less messy than a woman-on-top approach, since you know, gravity. Try upgraded versions of the standby positions, such as missionary with your legs hooked over his shoulders.

6. If the ick factor’s still going strong…

The cramps, the bloating, the wanting to crawl under a rock…ing. If you feel completely disgusting and miserable during your period, there’s nothing wrong with waiting until your heaviest flow days are over before pouncing on your guy. I mean, what’s the point of powering through if you’re just not into it? It’s your vagina. It’s your life. Do with both what you will. Period.

How do you feel about period sex? Yay or nay?

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Image: Couple in bed via Shutterstock

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There’s nothing quite like winter sex. You know, if you play your thermostats right.

It’s hard to say why our sex drive plummets in the winter… oh, who am I kidding? The reasons are a plenty: It’s freezing and taking your clothes off equals more freezing, not to mention the 45 minutes it takes to strip off all your layers. Then there’s the shaving dilemma: You don’t want to shave because the extra layer of insulation really comes in handy, but the second you don’t your beau’s not going to bust out his “let’s get it on” face, leaving you to feel about as attractive as Chewbacca. And that’s just the tip of the libidoless iceberg.

As the temperature drops, here are 6 ways to make sure your sex drive doesn’t drop with it:

1. Get your flirt on

Love isn’t all about sex, so it’s important to flex your flirt muscles every once in a while. Recreate the flirty feeling that connected you two in the first place: Head to your fave bar and kick his ass at pool, relive your first date, have an indoor picnic and pretend it’s not 50 below outside. And should all the flirting lead to increased nookie, well…

2. Give your bedroom a makeover

It doesn’t have to be an extreme makeover (well, unless the result is Ty Pennington coming over), just a teensy facelift to turn your bedroom into a romantic haven for the two of you. After all, us ladies thrive on the warm and fuzzies.

3. Flannel sheets

My winter sex theory is: If you want me to strip off my nice warm clothes, then you need to offer me an equally warm location for all that shivering nakedness. Owning several sets of flannel sheets should basically become a winter sex law.

4. Take a bath together

Same idea as above: Make sure you have a hot and steamy place to get hot and steamy.

5. Bring sexy back

Even though your winter style staples include slouchy sweaters and Flashdance-inspired leg warmers, that doesn’t mean you can’t wear something scandalous underneath. (It’s what’s on the inside that counts, HA.)

6. Layer strategically

Winter layers limit easy access, but if you layer strategically, this doesn’t have to be the case. It’s the best of both worlds: A hot, steamy quicky where you don’t have to get entirely undressed, and a hot, steamy body temperature so he’s not stuck doing an icicle.

How do you keep winter sex from getting all… well, wintery?

Related on EcoSalon

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Image: Aimee Custis Photography

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How do you know when it’s time to leave your relationship? Here are 10 flashing neon signs.

Breaking up is hard to do. Even a toxic relationship can seem better than the great unknown, and the thought of leaving can send fears swirling through your mind about being unable to support yourself, regretting your decision someday or never falling in love again. But nobody is going to take control of your happiness – you have to do it yourself. And your romantic relationship is one of the biggest factors that can make or break your happiness, either cushioning you with love, respect and support or smothering you with insecurities, control issues and simple incompatibility. So if these 10 signs of a failing relationship sound familiar, it might be time to push past those fears and start fresh.

Everything your partner does is irritating to you.

The way he slumps on the couch in front of the television. Her compulsive lip-biting. His irrational insistence, which once seemed cute, on organizing the contents of the refrigerator by size. The way she drives, or sighs, or breathes.  Once you looked upon this person with love, or at least affection. Now, absolutely everything he or she does is annoying. Maybe you’re just going through some kind of passing phase in which you’re facing the reality of the person you’ve chosen to be with, rather than the romantic ideal you started with. Or maybe these are all signs that it’s time to move on.

You can’t have a serious discussion without getting angry.

Honest communication is the key to a healthy relationship. So when you’ve got a problem, you want to talk it out. But somehow, what should be a simple discussion about divvying up household chores or protecting your quality time as a couple turns into a knock-down, drag-out fight complete with yelling, foot-stomping and door-slamming. Just thinking about the grievances you have with your partner gets you all worked up, and you don’t seem to accomplish anything by discussing them.  Communication issues are not always a sign of a doomed relationship – there are all kinds of complicated factors involved. But if couples’ therapy doesn’t work out, you might be better off calling it quits.

You’re stuck in an unsatisfying cycle.

Perhaps you know exactly what the problems are in your relationship, and you are able to have a calm, productive discussion with your partner about them, with mutual agreement for positive change. That’s great. But let’s just say that in the grind of daily life, one or both of you tends to forget all about the compromises that you made, and before long everything is back to the way it was. With a lot of dedication, relationship issues like the balance of power and responsibilities, mutual respect and autonomy can certainly be improved. The work to keep a relationship satisfying for both parties never ends. But we are who we are, and we all have our limits to how much we’re willing or able to change. Consider the fact that this might be a matter of basic incompatibility.

You don’t respect him/her anymore.

You talk over him when he’s speaking. You barely listen to what she has to say. You make plans for both of you, without consulting him first. Basically, you’re really inconsiderate of your partner – or your partner is inconsiderate of you. Sometimes, this might just reflect years of ingrained habits and familiarity. But it can also be a sign that you just don’t respect your partner’s beliefs, opinions and preferences. So, why are you with him again? Having someone around to talk to and share a household with isn’t enough. Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t respect you or vice versa. You both deserve better.

You find yourself tempted by others.

It’s totally natural to check other people out every once in a while, and even to develop harmless little crushes that you never intend to act upon. But you’re crossing a line as soon as you start actually thinking about stepping out on your partner. If you find yourself sorely tempted to hook up with somebody else or just developing strong feelings for another person, perhaps your ties to your current significant other aren’t as strong as they should be. And if you log onto a dating website just to “see what’s out there,” you’ve already packed your bags in spirit.

You’re a different person when you’re with your partner.

Okay – we’re all different when we’re with our partners than we are with friends, colleagues or strangers. But that should be a positive, not a negative. Your partner should be the person you feel most comfortable around, knowing that you can let it all hang out and be your real self (while still being respectful and considerate, of course. Being yourself isn’t a license to be a jerk.) But if you find yourself turning into a nag, clamming up, shrinking or otherwise changing in a way that you’re not comfortable with when you’re alone together, that’s not a good sign. It says that your partner has some kind of power over you, or that you have suppressed negative feelings about him/her that you need to deal with. This may indicate that you have some personal issues you need to work on, like confidence and independence, or it may mean that you’re not with the right person.

You’re still waiting for him/her to change.

What is it with so many women falling for men they perceive as damaged, but fixable? As Jezebel’s Hugo Schwyzer put it, “Reality check: your love does not necessarily conquer all.” You’re head over heels for a man (or woman) who has all manner of character flaws, but you believe that this poor wounded soldier just needs some TLC and he or she will magically transform into the partner of your dreams. Unfortunately, that’s probably not going to happen. You shouldn’t wait around for someone to change, especially if you’re the one who wants those changes to occur. One day, that person might just have an epiphany and decide to turn his or her life around, but it’s got to be their choice, not yours.

You’re being smothered.

There’s the obvious kind of smothering, in which you’re kept on a short leash, and there’s the insidious kind. The kind that slowly works its way into your hopes and dreams when you’re not looking. Sometimes, romantic partners discourage personal growth and exploration of new possibilities because they’re afraid. After all, if you change too much, you might not want to be with them anymore. They chip away at the time you’d like to spend perfecting your craft or enriching your spirit, make you feel guilty about your dedication to your hobbies, career or other dreams, or flat out tell you you’re not good enough. Someone who really loves you shouldn’t prevent you from being the best possible you, and having the happiest and most fulfilling life you can have.

The cons of the relationship outweigh the pros.

When in doubt, write it out. List all of the positive things about your relationship that you can think of, and all of the negatives. Consider both your daily life and the big picture. You might realize that your relationship problems are just the normal ups and downs of any romantic partnership, or you might realize that you’ve been holding on for the wrong reasons. Give yourself a few days to mull over your list, making it as complete as possible, and weigh the pros against the cons. This is your life – the only one you have. We’re all afraid of making the wrong decisions and having regrets, and there’s no guarantee that you’ll find the right person eventually, or that happiness will come your way. But it’s more likely to happen if you’re pro-active in your life, rather than just sitting back and letting other people dictate how it goes.

Photo: Hillary the Mammal

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Don’t stay for the wrong reasons.

Sometimes, relationships are like ugly old sweaters: they’re not flattering, they don’t make you feel good, and they’re actually kind of scratchy, now that you think about it. But they’re so familiar, you just can’t bear to get rid of them. Consider giving yourself room for something better – or just have fun being single for a while. Here are signs it may be time to part with the familiar.

You barely spend any time together.

It’s no surprise that, with both partners often working full-time jobs, modern couples may spend less time together than ever. Some couples juggle a lot of responsibilities and strain to see each other on a regular basis – that’s fairly normal. However, a big red flag should pop up when you find that you just aren’t mustering the effort to make it work. If you’d rather stay home and watch movies alone than go out on a romantic date or even just a casual get-together with your boyfriend or girlfriend, something is not right.

Your partner makes you feel bad about yourself.

You should never find yourself believing that you’re not good enough due to your partner’s words or actions. Even if it’s said in a joking way, a jibe about your looks, your job, your intelligence or any matter that relates to self-esteem can really hurt. Don’t just sit back and take it when the “jokes” keep adding up, or your partner doesn’t even bother to cloak his or her constant criticism. There’s a difference between constructive feedback or advice and comments that are meant to tear you down.

You can’t stop fighting.

He doesn’t help out around the house. You nitpick the way he drives. He ate the last cookie that your mom made for you. You made a funny face that could be interpreted as eye rolling. The sky is blue. If you find yourself getting into arguments over nothing and everything, there’s trouble brewing. Constant fighting is a sign of high tension, and while stress can certainly be a big factor in this, there are often underlying relationship issues causing your conflicts. When you can’t work them out – or simply don’t care to – say goodbye.

Your goals in life don’t mesh.

You’re on a quest for self-improvement, or at least a better life, and he’s content to sit in that armchair playing the latest XBox game until the end of his days. You’re growing as a human being, thinking about getting a better job or moving to a new place or having children, and she’s thinking about doing the same old thing she has done virtually every day for the past five years. Don’t sit around waiting for your partner to change. Unless you settle for less than what you truly want in your life, or your partner has some kind of epiphany, things aren’t looking good.

You try to justify repeated wrongs.

Making excuses for your partner’s ill deeds is not doing anyone any favors, least of all yourself. You tell yourself that he’s cold because of his relationship with his mother, that she doesn’t comfort you in your time of need because she’s distracted, that he cheated those three times because he was drunk and you were working late. If even after discussing these issues, they continue to recur, don’t keep justifying them; it just gives your partner permission to continue hurting you indefinitely.

You daydream about leaving.

You used to get lost in visions of cozy domestic life with your love, and now you’re longing to pack your bags and live like a bohemian artist in Paris. Everyone thinks about these things every now and then, but the danger comes when such thoughts become almost like an obsession. When you’re soothing yourself to bed at night with fantasies about starting fresh, you’re looking for a way out.

You’re staying out of self-sacrifice.

When it comes down to it, you realize that you’re no longer in love, but how can you leave? He just wouldn’t be able to get by without you. Maybe you’ve got children, and you worry about how the dissolution of your relationship will affect them. That’s totally understandable, but you’ve got to give yourself more value. Are you really helping your partner by staying with him or her at this point? Is your unhappiness affecting your kids anyway? Don’t waste what little time you have. Give yourself a chance at something real.

You keep secrets.

Once, there was nothing you kept from each other. You confessed all of your deepest secrets and told each other about virtually every aspect of your day, from the antics of an annoying co-worker to worries about your health. But now, things have changed. You conveniently forgot to mention that you’re back in touch with your college sweetheart, or that you’ve been putting money into a secret savings account that’s just for you. Being in a healthy relationship doesn’t have to mean giving over every little detail of yourself, but there definitely shouldn’t be any deception involved.

You’re not having sex.

Libidos change, and sometimes medical issues can cause serious shifts in sexual desire. If your sex life has gone off a cliff, eliminate any physical causes first. Then examine the state of your relationship. If either you or your partner just aren’t interested anymore, it may be a sign that your relationship changed from romantic to platonic when you weren’t looking. It’s not the end-all be-all issue for every relationship, but for most of us, sex is an integral part of a healthy union. When the spark fizzles out despite all efforts to revive it, you may be better off as friends.

The thrill is gone.

A big part of graduating to the real world of adult relationships is realizing that the early butterflies-in-your-stomach phase is supposed to blossom into something more stable and, perhaps, less exciting. Chances are, even if you’re with your “soul mate,” you don’t feel quite the same way about him as you did when you first met. But what if seeing your partner after an extended absence stirs no strong emotions whatsoever? Stop accepting mediocrity and meting it out in return. It’s time to move on.

ALSO CHECK OUT:

10 Signs It’s Time To Leave Your Town

10 Signs It’s Time To Leave Your Friends

10 Signs It’s Time To Leave Your Job

Photo: illusive photography

The post 10 Signs It’s Time to Leave Your Relationship appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnSeven innocent Barcelona bystanders talk about love and sex.

I just returned from a four-day weekend in Barcelona, where my girlfriend and I sunned on the beach, hit up the best dance scenes, and generally went looking for trouble in a city that doesn’t have a bedtime and, por supuesto, trouble wasn’t hard to find. Especially because I had an excuse to talk about sex with whomever I wanted, approaching interesting-looking people and interviewing them about passion and relationships. In the following photo essay, I’ve collected my top eight favorite philosophies of love:

Deia, Brazilian-American Journalist

“Love is an improvisational dance, a contact improv. You expose a piece of yourself and watch how the other responds. What he exposes in return must excite you. It must summon you to reveal more. This series, this back-and-forth, must speak to a larger story, containing enough suspense and mystery to keep you longing for the next episode. Only this is a romance worth pursuing.”

Rexaldo, Cuban Singer & Percussionist

“Love breaks you. Love shatters custom. It is the enemy of the quotidian. You can break somebody with just one glance, but it’s the bed where I can be conscientious and considerate. The bed is where I reveal my passion and offer-up my emotions. It is the only place I can go to show myself to another.”

Valeria, Mexican Communications Student

“In Mexico, we have our values. In Spain, it’s different. Men aren’t looking for families, they’re pursuing passion. Here, I love having drinks and enjoying the company of men, but I draw a line. I’m just here to enjoy life, not waste my time worrying or suffering because of a man. I will not look back on my life and balk at how I wasted my youth suffering. I come first.”

Benjamen, Belgian Music Producer

“It’s better to be a woman. Women have more control of their bodies, their emotions, and of men. If I see a woman, I show my desire with my eyes. But I don’t approach her. I say nothing. If she wants it, it will happen.”

Laeticia, French Traveler, Prefers to Remain Anonymous

“French men aren’t tactile, but Spaniards are always touching and flirting – it’s a lifestyle. I met my most recent lover out of nowhere, just all of a sudden; we spent the night together, but no more was expected beyond this. I saw him a few days after, and nothing. It’s cool; I don’t have to care.”

Niko, German Pianist

“Love means touching something foreign and, because of it, finding yourself in a new way. It is the same when you throw yourself into solitude. When you do so, you may also find that you are whole. The more you know yourself, the more you can throw yourself into another.”

Daniella, Italian Visual Artist & Claudio, Peruvian Guitarist

“We are best friends and lovers, but open to new people. It’s nicer without complications and better to pursue passion and love.” … “He loves fun, I love love, but in the end, it is equal.” … “For her, attraction is obsession; for me, it is devotion.” … “I love being with other men, but I couldn’t do it if I didn’t have a long-term lover waiting for me. I am particular about other men, though, so often just choose to be alone.”

Sex By Numbers is an ongoing look into the emotional and sexual lives of the modern day woman. Follow Abigail Wick weekly here for insight and inspiration as she explores the “sex” of women and the terrain they must travel.

Image: malias

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