After bad relationships made finding love seem elusive, tragedy brought us together and showed me what it means to be with a good guy.

Earlier this month Amy Krouse Rosenthal’s essay, “You May Want to Marry My Husband,” went viral. Ten days later, on March 13, 2017, she died. In the short window of time preceding her death, the public learned intimate details about Rosenthal and her husband, Jason, for she did something many of us may not be willing or able to do–pen a dating profile for the love of her life.

With so much negativity surrounding men recently, her piece made me stop and reflect on my own love life. A journey that has been intoxicating at its best, and abusive at its worst. To reflect on the failed relationships I’ve had, and how incredibly grateful I am for the man I’m with now. Our union is far from perfect, so if you sense that from my writing, please don’t misunderstand my intentions. However, in the wake of all the bad, I do want to take a moment and share what it’s been like to be with someone who I consider to be a genuinely good guy.

Ironically, it was tragedy that brought Josh and I together. Our 21-year-old half-brother, Chase, was in a fatal car accident in September of 2014. I say “our” because he was a sibling to us both, although Josh and I are not biologically related, we were step-siblings at one time. A complicated story for another day, I’ll spare you the details.

Anyway, it was at the hospital where I met Josh for the first time, and then again at the funeral, and once more at the reception. It’s difficult to describe, but there was an instant spark, like an undeniable energy that drew me in. I wanted to know him, although at the time I wasn’t sure whether it was because of the intense grief, my overwhelming emotions, or some morbid act of fate.

Like the niceties that often take place during a tragedy, we exchanged contact information, and I reached out to him at the first opportunity. Text messages and phone calls ensued. Throughout this period, his intellect, charm, and attentiveness wooed, but it’s what I discovered on a deeper level that’s kept me hanging on.

1. He gets me

This man is so attuned to me, that I swear there are times when he can read my mind. He doesn’t treat this as a byproduct of a long relationship, either. Instead, he treats it as a privilege. Because of this, we grow closer everyday. He has come to understand my nuances so well and answers my needs so completely that it sometimes feels like our lives are choreographed.

2. He enjoys communicating

Thanks to a string of abusive relationships with emotionally unavailable men, I took it upon myself to become absolutely terrible at opening up. Guarded and closed off are two ways you could describe my communication style. His, on the other hand, are anything but. He loves listening to me talk and wants to know everything about me. So when I found it difficult to share my feelings and get to that vulnerable place, he waited patiently for me to come around.

3. He makes me a priority

I’m his number one, and I feel like it, too. Every decision he makes is done with my happiness in mind. The little things he does during our everyday, like making me coffee in the morning and massaging my feet at night, are sweet reminders that he’s constantly thinking of me.

4. He’s honest

Rather than embellish the truth, or act secretive or sneaky, he always puts everything out in the open. His honesty is so forthright, that although my insecurities sometimes get the better of me, I wholeheartedly believe that I can trust him–something I don’t know that I’ve ever truly felt.

5. He supports me

I could tell this man that I want to have a unicorn farm, and he would find a way to make it happen. From childcare and housework, to helping me chase my dreams, his support makes me feel like nothing is impossible.

6. He doesn’t give up

He’s here to stay. In it for the long haul. Committed. This is something that frightened me initially, especially considering I’ve been in other long-term relationships where men flat out refused to get married or have children, and being the young, impressionable person I was, began to believe that those things just weren’t in the cards for me. He, on the other hand, has shown me what it means to be completely devoted to another person. And I have to admit, it feels pretty damn amazing.

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Looking for date night ideas that are fun and eco-friendly? We’ve got several must-try recommendations that will get you out of the house and out of a rut.

With busy lives and demanding schedules, we could all use a little more bonding time. Whether you’re looking for date ideas for a special occasion, or suggestions “just because,” we’ve rounded up some recommendations that combine fun with eco-friendly — and you don’t have to be an environmentalist to enjoy them.

The focus is on local activities that support small businesses, reduce carbon footprints, and take advantage of native agriculture. Keeping those three pointers in mind when planning future outings could potentially inspire a long list of spin-offs that will have you trying out a different date every weekend!

1. Go Produce Picking

Most states have some kind of you-pick program that allows locals to capitalize on produce that’s native to the region. Grab your sweetie and some baskets, and head over to the nearest fruit or veggie farm. Options include blueberries, apples, strawberries, peas, broccoli, leeks, and more. Check out this regional harvest calendar and find your state. Oh, and while you’re at it, teach yourselves how to can, preserve, dry, and freeze your harvest at home.

2. Plant-Based Dining

The livestock farming industry is undoubtedly a contributor to global warming and environmental crises all over the nation. And since even the staunchest meat eater can afford to go full-on herbivore every now and then, we suggest eating a plant-based meal on your next date. Most big cities these days have at least one resident vegan or vegetarian restaurant. From raw gourmet cuisine, to comfort-style food that’s full of spices and yummy flavors, there’s bound to be an option to please your taste buds.

3. Volunteer Together

It’s always a good idea to get involved in your community. Volunteering is a great way to meet other like-minded people and work toward a similar goal. As far as date ideas go, register to clean up trash around your town. If you live near the coast, there are often beach-oriented opportunities, and if you live in an urban area, there are often city-wide cleanups that take place. It may not be the most romantic option on this list, but it’s certainly rewarding.

4. Hunt For Treasure

There’s nothing quite like finding a cute little secondhand piece to add to your collection, or stumbling onto an old trunk that would make the perfect coffee table. And when your views align with your significant other, then it’s like all is right and good in the world. That’s why we are encouraging your next date to include hitting up some garage sales, thrift stores, or vintage shops. Make it interesting by having a list of “treasures” that you’re obligated to find along the way. They can be quirky or serious, and making a purchase is completely optional.

5. Get Romantic Outside

There’s nothing quite like fresh air and a natural atmosphere to bring two people together. If it’s snowing in your neck of the woods, then have a snowman (or snowwoman) building contest. Make a game out of it by seeing who can build the best snowman depicting the other person’s likeness. Grab all of the necessary accessories (rocks, props, buttons, twigs, scarves, wigs, etc.) you need to pull it off — and don’t forget the all important photo opp! If it’s warm and sunny where you live (think Florida), then head over the beach with your favorite bottle of organic vino, and watch the sunset together after you each write a surprise heartfelt message in the sand.

6. Visit A Vineyard

If you don’t already, then it’s time to add “frequent a local vineyard” to your list of date ideas. Choosing regional wine helps out local businesses, offers environmental perks, and gives you and your significant other something to do on the weekends. Most places offer tours and wine tastings, while others have regular live entertainment and dining options. Make the most of your visit by staying at a nearby bed and breakfast for two.

We hope you’ve enjoyed our take on fun, eco-friendly date ideas that everyone can enjoy. Get out of the house (and out of that rut), and try something new this weekend! Share your thoughts with us on the EcoSalon Facebook page!

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It’s not rocket science, but learning how to orgasm regularly, makes all the difference.

Some of my most vivid memories of sex, especially early in my erotic life, are not of the satisfying post-coitus elated release, but their opposite. Rather, it was the myriad times when I was still learning how my body worked, what kinds of touch triggered what response, how much time it took for arousal to take over, what positions reached deep enough inside–basically the whole ball of wax, which made orgasm work (or not). The times when I was so close but couldn’t quite get over the top before my partner was finished, sent me into a fury almost as intense as what I imagine the orgasm might have been like. So did the years after, when I thought I finally figured out how to achieve orgasm and I only wanted to do the exact same moves in the exact same order, believing it would work every time, except it  didn’t. And it quickly became a sexual rut that didn’t help my marriage much either.

For a significant period of my early marriage, orgasm misses were more frequent than the  orgasmic explosions I so longed for. My frustration turned easily to blame and it didn’t take long for my conflict-avoidant spouse to choose avoiding the whole scene, rather than risk the wrath of not getting it right with me. We spent at least a decade of our sex life among the ranks of millions who approach/avoid sex and keep score on who says no more often.  The truth is that whether they admit it or not, everyone wants to experience the seismic shift and profound emotional and energetic releases associated with orgasm.  And yet, this most intimate transformation remains elusive for many and for some, learning how to orgasm seems totally out of reach.    

In part, this is because of some fundamental misunderstandings of the workings of orgasm and the understandable yet completely unhelpful anxiety that so often accompanies our attempts to create the experience. The most important thing to get clear about orgasm is that you can’t make yourself, or more importantly, anyone else have an orgasm. And in fact, the efforts to cajole and force, only make our orgasmic potential more elusive. Prompting the all too common and vicious cycle where orgasm is set as the finish line and the entire sexual encounter gets tripped up in anticipated performance anxiety and our attention, which is what makes the present moment sexy, is completely preoccupied with whether or not you will find the end.   

The other unintended result is the creation of the sex rut, which happens when we become rigid in our sexual encounters and fixated on trying to replicate some memorable orgasm that happened before, is totally losing the fluidity of the moment you are in.

Orgasmic potential responds more readily to one’s capacity to surrender than it does to willfully trying to elicit it.  Surrender is an interesting state that emerges; it’s where curiosity and openness can lead. These emotional states, by definition, bring us fully present to what is happening in and around us. They allow the body freedom to experiment and feel while giving the mind freedom to roam. The human brain cannot simultaneously process anxiety and sexual arousal. So giving up the mind space of bad body images, worries over genital size, or the most common: being able to achieve orgasm, needs to go away for the body to surrender to finding its way.

The good news is that the more orgasms you have, the more orgasms you’re likely to have in the future. So learning how to orgasm comes with learning how to surrender to and trust your sexual response will not only help develop your orgasmic potential, but will also give you practice of letting go of anxiety. Not surprisingly,  many people have more success achieving orgasm alone than with their partner, but this is worthy practice, because the better you get at honing your own personal turn-on skills, the easier it gets sharing them with someone you love. Think of developing your capacity for orgasm as a  potent form of meditation- even when you don’t achieve bliss, the practice of harnessing our attention is where orgasmic potential starts.

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Love it or hate it, February 14th is upon us. With so much annual hype, it seems like the help of a professional is required to come up with any unique Valentine’s Day ideas. That’s why men and women across the country seek romantic advice from Thomas Edwards, a.k.a., The Professional Wingman.

Though he’s a year-round dating and lifestyle coach, February is always a busy time of year for Edwards. He chalks it up to a tendency among even the best of us to let the pressure of the holiday build up. His secret? “Remember that Valentine’s Day is highly commercialized,” Edwards says. “The history of why Valentine’s Day exists has nothing to do with love. So … keep it simple, but significant.”

So simple, in fact, that he’s got 5 Valentine’s Day ideas that anyone – single or monogamous, male or female – can easily follow this weekend, but also, make romantic.

1. Don’t go out for dinner.

Oh, look. Roses and a dinner reservation. That’s original. “There’s nothing less romantic than being at a crowded place, where everyone’s out there for Valentine’s Day, and you’re screaming over yourself trying to hear the other person,” Edwards says. Instead, he suggests doing something that will let your partner know that you’ve been paying enough attention to really know what he or she might enjoy. The best Valentine’s Day ideas, he says, involve a special interest or activity, such as a love-related museum exhibit, or getting drinks somewhere with a heated rooftop or fireplace.

“Just hang out,” he says. “At the end of the day, it’s about spending time with each other and enjoying each other’s company.”

2. Keep your expectations in check.

In fact, Edwards believes its best to have none. “The more expectations you have, the more likely it is that you’re going to be heavily disappointed,” he says. At most, “just go in looking to have a good time.”

That advice is especially true of the dollars spent for Valentine’s Day, which can skyrocket with markups added by restaurants and retailers looking to cash in on the hype associated with it. In reality, Edwards says, “It doesn’t matter how much money you spend. Some of the best gifts people can give may not have any monetary value whatsoever.”

3. Valentine’s Day is for men, too.

Too often, it seems, men feel that the responsibility of making Valentine’s Day successful falls entirely on them, along with the bill that comes with it. To reverse that stereotype, says Edwards, ladies should heed the same advice to show that you’ve given the day some altruistic consideration.

The sad truth? “Guys just don’t expect it,” Edwards says. “Immediately, you win, once you show some level of thought into making it just as special for him as he would for you.”  It could be as simple as buying a new game for your PS4 enthusiast, which while not necessarily romantic, does show a certain level of being in tune with what makes your partner happy.

“It seems ridiculous,” says Edwards, “but we’re guys. We’re very simple. Gifts can make us very, very happy.”

4. Take advantage of being single.

There’s a reason why Valentine’s Day has become analogous with “Singles Awareness Day”: The vast majority of Americans are single, and Valentine’s Day has grown to be the highest-rated day for them to hook up.

“It’s a great day to celebrate your singledom,” says Edwards. “It’s also a day where people are most aware of opportunities to find love. Take advantage of that.”

Believe it or not, the same can be said even of those in the tricky spot of being the only single person within their respective social circles. That’s a great moment, Edwards says, to take stock of your romantic situation and what you’d like to do about it. “The first thing you should do is create a secondary circle of friends who are single and also out looking to meet people,” he says. “You’re not necessarily throwing away your married friends, but you’re being more proactive in making sure that you have opportunities to go out.” Check out get-togethers on Meetup, Eventbrite, or just by going out solo with the intention of meeting new people.

5. Great gestures can be made from a distance.

Thank goodness for modern-day technology. Video interfaces have changed the way long-distance relationships work, especially on occasions like Valentine’s Day. “You can do really cool things with technology,” says Edwards, “like having dinner and drinks over Skype, while maybe even watching something on TV or Netflix together.” The ability to actually see each other, he adds, enhances a genuine date-like feel, encouraging couples, for example, to even dress up. Make it cute, though: Edwards suggests sending an email to your partner with a picture of flowers, as a way to preempt these virtual dates.

The bottom line, Edwards says, is effort. “At the end of the day, it’s just another day,” he says. “You should be showing love 365 days of the year. This just happens to be a day where it gets acknowledged a little bit more.”

For that reason, Valentine’s Day might even provide extra motivation to show appreciation and thoughtfulness toward loved ones at all times, no matter what the season. “Remember,” Edwards points out, “you’re doing this because you want to, not because you have to.”

To learn more about The Professional Wingman, visit theprofessionalwingman.com.

Say hey to Amanda on Twitter or Instagram

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ColumnWe tend to ignore relationship dealbreakers even when the red lights are flashing and the warning sirens are screaming DON’T GO THERE! Why do we do this to ourselves?

My own list of relationship dealbreakers is long and complex. Have I ignored my top five no-no’s? Oh yes. We tend to rejigger our dealbreaker lists as we refine our “most wanted” lists – generally after breakups, when we’ve been burned yet again. It’s easy to get idealistic when you’re a single person creating a dream man (or woman) out of thin air, like a tall, dark and handsome golem for whom cuddling is a second job. (But those ideals tend to fall away in the harsh light of reality – or the alcohol-infused dark of the bar where you just met someone that seems worth taking home.)

Sexual attraction is one of the obvious reasons we ignore our relationship dealbreakers – and sure, it plays a role. But a recent study suggests that we sometimes end up dating people because we don’t want to hurt their feelings by rejecting them. This study doesn’t seem to be obviously broken down by gender, but I am guessing that more women than men have this tendency, given our “nice girl” socialization. I’m not quite sure that we can even replicate real-life scenarios in a lab, but the findings are interesting.

Our relationship dealbreakers are built, in part, on our parental complexes. We’re often attracted to both the best and worst qualities that our potential partners embody – because they remind us of our parents. This is how we first learned to love, after all – it makes sense that these markers would magnetize us to objects of desire. Doing conscious work on your parental complexes from a relatively young age is an integral part of getting what you want out of your relationships. More importantly, it may help you to avoid throwing your self-identified relationship dealbreakers out the window for the sake of companionship.

My number one relationship dealbreaker is smoking; this one applies not just to committed relationships, but to casual dating. I have an official “smokers need not apply” policy that I fiercely and protectively wield. I’ve accidentally broken it for one date, on occasion, but never more than that. Smokers are instantly kicked to the curb.

But that’s easy – smoking is just a habit, one that cannot easily be hidden from view (I have a strong sense of smell). What about when it comes to more subtle relationship dealbreakers, ones that are no less dangerous than secondhand smoke?

There was that time that I ignored the sirens going off in my head and let an ex move in with me – one who clearly had narcissistic personality disorder. This was one of those scenarios where I just knew in my heart that I could save him from himself. (Also, the sex was great.) But the joke was on me, and I lost a few years of my life to that massive mistake.

Let’s get really brave and honest about why we do this to ourselves. Are these some possible reasons you’ve made exceptions in your relationships?

1)   Loneliness

2)   Low self-esteem

3)   Muted self-awareness

4)   Peer pressure

5)   Desire to “settle”

Lists are great – I believe list-making can help you clarify your desires. But lists are not everything – you must also hone (and listen to) your intuition, if you’re truly going to avoid that next relationship that never should have been. You must move toward consciousness about what you really want and need. And there is never, ever any reason to settle. Please do exactly the opposite of what this woman says, all the time, if you want to be happy. And while you’re at it, ignore every trope from every rom-com you’ve ever seen.

We naturally crave intimacy, but we often confuse our desire to be close to someone with cultural expectations about the roles we’re supposed to play.

In a culture where motherhood is valued above all other contributions to society, it’s easy to get caught up in the idea that Mr. Right is whomever you hook up with at just around the time you begin to notice your eggs dwindling. The early and mid-thirties are prime time for women to settle – breaking all their previously agreed-to relationship dealbreakers. This is not to say that if you really want to have babies, you should ignore those urges. There are other ways to go about it — you don’t have to settle for Mr. Kinda Okay just because you’re ready for the next stage of your life.

Life is short – we don’t want to waste it on people that we don’t belong with. A fifty-percent divorce rate is a fairly good indication that people are consistently ignoring what’s most important to them.

This is not to say that mistakes aren’t necessary – it’s the only way you learn. Through your twenties and early thirties, why not date terribly, terribly wrong? That’s how you figure out what you really want. You wade your way through the dating pool, take home lots of people, have some great (and probably awful) sex, and assess the landscape of your own desires. But when (and if) you want a life partner, you have to get down to the brass tacks.

I’m a major advocate for women to put sex before love, at least for a certain period of their life. I believe that all too often, we prioritize relationships and companionship and ignore our primal desires, because we’re taught that they’re not a primary for us. Dudes get the opposite message – they are taught that they have two brains, and that their genital brain can and should lead their way through life. That’s why women so often end up with long-term partners that they’re not attracted to — and suffer years (or a whole lifetime) of crappy or non-existent sex.

So come to your next relationship with your list at the ready. Know that you can and will continue to refine that list as you experience new people. Go into therapy to identify your parental complexes. And never, ever settle — because even though there’s no such thing as a perfect partner — you first objective is to be the ideal partner for yourself.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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ColumnFrom culture and politics to sex and relationships, too many of us spend too much time living in the past. Looking back with a wink and a nod is one thing, but nursing nostalgia is quite another.

I don’t recall exactly when I first heard a song from “my era” on an oldies radio station, but I couldn’t have been much older than 30. I’m going to say it was the mid-’90s, and it was probably my own fault in the first place for playing it too loose with my channel choices. (I mean, who listens to oldies radio?) I do, however, remember a Casey Kasem-esque pop-announcer harkening back to “years ago when this classic gem was number one. And now here’s The Clash, with their popular number, ‘London Calling.’”

I wasn’t at an age to lament growing old, so that angle of grief didn’t rear its woeful head. So I skipped the denial stage and went straight to anger. “Jesus, who is this fucking announcer?! It’s so over, anyway. Coopted. Mainstreamed, tagged and shelved.” And then the real classic: “They don’t make music like this anymore.”

I imagined myself back in the pit. (We called it slam dancing, if we called it anything at all. Not moshing). I thought, how great would that be?

Nostalgia—“a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations”—is a funny thing. (For you etymology buffs, it’s from the Greek nostos [home] plus algos [pain]. Homepain. Yummy.) It can hit you at any age about anything. From culture and politics to sex and relationships, it taps into macro- or micro-eras from your past when things had a distinct and (it seems now) pleasurable feel. The rush of compelling remembrance and desire can be so vivid that you would pledge your soul to somehow turn back the clock.

On top of that, the sensory assault can come from anywhere at any time. Someone’s perfume or the smell of a fresh croissant, rereading the novel that blew you away in high school or hearing a lost recording of the band you hung out with in college. It can happen when you realize you can’t afford something you once could. It can possess you in a cynical instant when you sense that you now know something about which you were once blissfully naïve.

Truth is, it doesn’t take long for a moment to fade in terms of time (long ago can happen fast), while somehow remaining closer than it appears in your rearview mirror. If you’re a parent you’ve done the math and pondered: “I wonder if my kid sees the ’80s the way I saw the ’50s? Does he think about R.E.M. the way I thought of The Platters?” Consider this: If the Beatles were breaking up today, they would have landed at JFK, all mop-topped and black & white, in 2007. Hell, the Gulf War is to today’s youth what the Korean War was to me. I am so not ready for M*A*S*H* 1990.

Mind-bending timeframes aside, if we’re between 35 and 65 and nostalgic feelings begin to wash up quickly and en masse, we often call it a mid-life crisis. The crisis part comes from how desperately we want to return to “like it was,” be it in bed, on the road, or simply when everything looked and sounded so, so good. If we only had the money, we’d buy it all back. Some do, in fact, in the form of a fire-red sports car or a sudden quit-job-join-Peace Corp play or the procurement of a boy- or girl-toy(s) whose youth is still being (poor things) wasted on the young. (I like to say that as much as I wanted one, I couldn’t afford a mid-life crisis.) In any case, this first wave can be startling and disorienting. Bright shiny objects from your past suddenly seem to be everywhere. It’s not just about history. It’s about loss. And it can quickly become unhealthy.

Bargaining: Train in Vain

When nostalgic cravings come up, it’s useful to remember how much we like to rewrite the past. Was that thing or time or person truly as warm and fuzzy and downright perfect as you remember? How much of the memory is infused with nostalgia itself, part of a vicious cycle of live, glorify, (try to) repeat. Fact is, most experiences weren’t quite as lovely (or awful, as the case may be) as they now seem to be.

I remember listening to a one-time travel-mate recall for an audience (holding court in a bar is nostalgia heaven, is it not?) the grandeur of some of our youthful “Third World” wanderings. “Man, we were great.” We were, in many ways, though I secretly remembered that my journeys were far from invariably glorious. (Maybe I passed on that last Jäger that night.) I thought to myself: Would I really take a do-over on that third-class train ride up the Nile? And getting busted in Burma pretty much sucked. And no, I didn’t get laid that one night and in truth I fought like a bandit with a pal about some dumb thing and pretty much wanted to bail on the whole adventure. These nostalgia-in-perspective thoughts didn’t diminish fondness for my road days, but to quote (the always great) Dorothy Parker, “I hate writing. I love having written.”

It’s true that we all enjoy a good rework of times gone by now and again—or at least our built-in forgetter takes charge for a variety of reasons. If it weren’t your music or your movie, would you really still think that band rules or that flick was the greatest ever? Sure, some stuff stands the test of time (I click like on everything Patti Smith or Tom Robbins), but to confess some more of my own nostalgia-meets-truth reality, The Psychedelic Furs were a great band but not the voice of a generation and high school was not cool like “Dazed and Confused.” (In fact, it was often a cesspool of fear and loathing.) Really, for those who were there, was Dirty Old 1970’s New York City all fun and games? And VH1 celebratory bullshit aside, were the ’80s the good old days? Speaking of that lovely decade, did the blow rock, or what? Was that God we saw or the bottom of a toilet bowl?

On the collective side, our attention-span-challenged nation is no stranger to massive, group-grope, creative cultural reimaginings, as well. There were the “simpler” 1950s, when a man was a man and Sundays meant church (and civil rights were still a dream). The ’60s—awesome color and light, man (and you could still “be the first one on your block to have your boy come home in a box.” Killer tune, no?). Political revisionism? Pick a side and pick a myth. Reagan. Clinton. Already the truly horrible Boy George (the reworked watercolorist, not the also-often-revisited crooner) is enjoying an alarmingly real-time re-do for when America most recently wielded its great big stick. Give it another decade and we’ll be looking back fondly at Dick Cheney.

One more quick but important over-the-shoulder shot before knocking off the past-bashing—let’s talk about sex, baby. Next time you see someone that reminds you of your magnificent hook-up daze, ask yourself if you were “better” then or now. I once heard an unconfirmed (but sounds like him) Norman Mailer story. When asked what he knew as an older man that he could have used when he was 18, his answer was “the key to great sex—lighting.” Are there things you know now—or didn’t know then—that get in that way of how you’d like to remember your alleged prime? And on a let’s-be-honest-it’s-only-somewhat-related note, was that true-love relationship as paradisiac as you remember? Even if he or she still somewhat resembles that 10-year-old pic on their Facebook profile, you broke up for a reason right?

Acceptance: A Brand New Cadillac

Enough with retro-assault; it surely wasn’t as bad as all that. In fact, let’s assume, for the sake of argument, that everything you’re nostalgic about was as great as you remember. Let’s even call it better. The question remains, do you really need it back, or is being here now a better play? My ’68 Mustang rocked, but when it died, it died. Hard. And this (relatively) new Prius? Runs great. Super mileage. And most important, it draws zero attention from the cops—a population among us for whom I have zero nostalgia. (They seemed particularly drawn to the Detroit muscle. No need to relive that.)

Her words may seem trite, but I have to hand it to my shrink who without fail responds to almost every “I want” with a solid-citizen-like, “What’s wrong with what you have?” (Sage direction. Semi-affordable.) One thing I noticed when that unaffordable midlife crisis abated, as most crises do, was that it had something to do with my no longer being interested in grabbing at what I once had, but instead began enjoying memories for what they are—information. By that, I mean they inform us about who we are now. Even the most wonderful and deservedly-cherished memories—mom’s embrace after school, uncontrollably stoned laughter at the Dead show, “Midnight in Paris” when all the pensions were booked—are all disappeared elements of your life that should color you in without defining who you are—and help you look forward as only humans do.

Here’s the thing about nostalgia: Like any drug that takes us out of our present reality, if left unchecked, it’ll grab you by the throat. It’s certainly true that most of our suffering comes down to unhealthy attachments. Nostalgia, in the end, is like any bright shiny object—and your relationship with it can be healthy, or not, depending how desperate you are to go backwards—and get away from where you’re at.

I have an uncle who’s 10 or so years older than me. I remember when he turned 30. It seemed so old to me back then, and my 20s loomed large like the Promised Land. I asked about how he felt about his new decade. Was it a drag getting older? “Fuck that,” he said. “I wouldn’t want to do 29 again for nothing. I’m moving on.” Amen. As for that old gem, London Calling, you bet it called. But I doubt it has my cell.

Scott Adelson is EcoSalon’s Senior Editor of HyperKulture, a monthly column that explores opening cultural doors to initiate personal change. He is also the author of InPRINT, which reviews and discusses books, new and old. You can reach him at scott at adelson dot org and follow him @scottadelson on Twitter.

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ColumnHow do we tease apart the fundamental differences between jealousy and desire, when they are often literally and figuratively in bed together? It may seem impossible to avoid jealousy in relationships, but the polyamory community may be able to teach you a thing or two about the green monster.

A thread of fear, rage, humiliation, and abandonment: jealousy is a many-headed hydra that wells up in us from what feels like the primordial seat of our soul. It’s that dread rising up from your belly into your chest. It can make you feel like you’re going to disappear.

It’s easy to assume our jealousy in relationships comes from elsewhere – specifically from our partner’s behavior. After all, advice columns about jealousy tend to rehash the same tired territory. They’re often about an unusually jealous boyfriend who thinks his partner is cheating whenever she’s five minutes late, or accidentally glances at the waiter too long. (Note: that man is dangerous and you should probably leave him at the salad bar.) Can other people “make us” feel jealous? Or is this solely a projection of our own insecurities – relics of patterns that echo our relationship with our parents? What’s really beneath that terrible, if familiar sensation?

How we respond to jealousy says much about its essential source. Sometimes, if we’re with our partner, we say something cutting. If we’re alone, scanning through an exes’ flirty Facebook communiqués with “some girl” we might ask our friend to read them, seeking validation in our growing insecurity cum rage. Post-coitally, we might wonder if we performed well enough with a new or regular lover – is he/she thinking about someone else right now? Did they fantasize while we were making love?

There’s even the jealousy in relationships born of being with a partner who claims not to be jealous. (I have an ex who always said he wasn’t jealous, and it drove me nuts.)

In a culture (now a global culture) in which advertising drives our self-worth, and the concept of ownership informs every waking moment of our lives – is it such a surprise that we’d think we “own” our lovers, too? Compulsory monogamy is a product of capitalism, much the way that sneakers are a product of Nike. Your bare feet may not really need them, but boy oh boy – you believe you do in every cell of your body. Same for monogamous relationships – there’s a growing body of literature about why the marriage industrial complex was born.

You know who has a really sophisticated take on the subject of jealousy? The polyamory community. I’m not poly, but I’m intellectually with them 100 percent – they are incredibly evolved on the subject of sexuality. Think of their stance as the Paleo version of dating, mating, and relating. But even if you can’t imagine yourself ever experimenting with juggling multiple lovers at once, there’s much that these pioneers can teach you about feeling less jealous of your one and only. If anyone knows how to tame jealousy in relationships, it’s those who have multiple partners.

The best way to wrap your brain around the poly jealousy tutorial is to understand a concept that seems to have been invented by them – it’s called compersion. Compersion is defined by modernpoly.com as: “the experience of taking pleasure in the knowledge that one’s partner is experiencing pleasure, even if the source of their pleasure is other than yourself. The feeling may or may not be sexual.”

Ever felt it? There is definitely a learning curve here. Experiment – next time jealousy wells up in you, try flipping the script – what if you could feel joy instead of resentment? Much like meditation, when your mantra gets lost in a tangle of to-do lists and daily worries, you gently come back to it. Try that with compersion. Is there something your partner says or does that makes you smile? A gesture or sound or shows his/her pleasure? Now imagine yourself tasting that sweetness when he is talking to a pretty woman, and potentially enjoying it.

Here is what my poly friends have taught me about taming jealousy:

COMMUNICATE. That’s the key to everything. Don’t stew in your insecurity – talk about it, even if you feel silly. But don’t rage about it – wait until you can bring it up in a sensitive, non-accusatory way. After all – it’s probably about you, not about your partner. Remember that your feelings are rational – because they are your feelings. Don’t be mean to yourself about them. You’re working through them now and getting to the root of the dynamic.

Jealousy shouldn’t evoke guilt, but it often loops back on itself and makes you feel worse than you would if you were simply feeling jealous. Be gentle with yourself – this is a vulnerable moment. And then, when it comes back, as it inevitably will — just try it again. This ain’t your first rodeo (with jealousy) but it can be the beginning of a healthy, human, loving practice. It may do more than just heal your relationship – it could end up healing your relationship with yourself.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email  stefanie at ecosalon dot com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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Social networks create relationships at the touch of a button. So why are we still feeling lonely?

I’ve been Netflix-ing episodes of this quirky show called ‘The Guild” (originally a YouTube series, it ran from 2007 – 2013). It’s a pretty funny story about a young violinist who’s addicted to an online video game she plays with a group of people she’s never met.

To me, the most interesting part of the show is the video diary kept by the main character. In these brief moments, she talks about feeling lonely, and how playing the game both helps and exacerbates the issue. Feeling lonely despite hanging out with the same six people online for eight hours a day is an intriguing paradox. Most of us have at least a few hundred “friends” on Facebook or followers on Twitter. We interact with these people multiple times a day, sharing details and photos from our private lives. Yet many of us still find ourselves feeling lonely. Why?

The impact of social media on our quality of life is the focus of a four minute film that recently (and somewhat ironically) went viral. Called “The Innovation of Loneliness,” the piece provides a simple yet profound answer to a question you may have asked yourself: What is the connection between social networks and feeling lonely?

Although our interactions on social networks seem to mirrors the way relationships work in the real world, there are some important yet subtle differences.

The visual attractiveness and ease of use associated with Facebook and other social media platforms scratches two of our favorite itches: a lack of time and a fear of intimacy. We love these sites because they make it so effortless to “connect” and “stay in touch” yet never require us to experience the gritty, dirty, messy, inconvenient parts of relationships. So, despite the ability to interact with thousands of people at the touch of a button, we still find ourselves feeling lonely.

Social media also plays into our inherent selfishness, allowing us to obsess over whatever topic or person we want, making us believe we always have an audience, and as such, tricking us into thinking we’re never alone. Another detriment of social media is the ability to hide behind the edit button. “Since the dawn of our species, relationships have been based on face-to-face interaction, which is by definition unfiltered and spontaneous. Online interaction, however, can be tailored, tweaked, and photoshopped until it looks just how we want it to. This has lead to a situation in which social networks serve as platforms to present finely manicured façades, not the authentic, messy reality of our identities,” writes Jordan Bates for Refine The Mind.

When combined with other psychological factors mentioned in the short film, these aspects of social media become dangerous because they warp our expectations for real relationships. When people in the real world don’t respond like our online friends, or when we’re forced to face realities about ourselves that are easily hidden on Facebook, it bothers us. Even though we’re still feeling lonely, we become addicted to the illusion of social media, and can eventually prefer it to the more difficult challenges of being a real human.

This isn’t to say that interactions on social networks are all worthless, or that your Facebook friends are solely to blame for your feelings of loneliness. But it should be a wake up call. It’s time to “[r]educe, moderate, and disconnect,” advises Bates. Take the time to consider the impact of social media on your real world relationships, realize you’re more than a profile pic and a pile of likes, and limit yourself to those “friends” and pages that stimulate the person you are offline.

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31 of the best inspirational quotes for romantics to lift the spirits.

1. Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. -Marcel Proust

2. Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction. –Antoine de Saint-Exupery

3. We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. -Thornton Wilder

4. Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So anyone who’s in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It’s like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven’t seen in a long time. -Haruki Murakami

5. So, I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you. -Paulo Coelho

6. With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me. –Jarod Kintz

7. Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,

And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind. -William Shakespeare

8. We looked into each other’s eyes. I saw myself, she saw herself. -Stanislaw J. Lee

9. Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. -Louis de Bernieres

10. Each time you happen to me all over again. -Edith Wharton

11. I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only love. -Mother Teresa

12. In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, for in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed. -Kahlil Gibran

13. Anyone can be passionate, it takes real lovers to be silly. –Rose Franken

14. Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition. -Alexander Smith

15. And in her smile I see something more beautiful than the stars. -Beth Revis

16. The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along. -Rumi

17. He’s more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same. -Emily Brontë

18. Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it…It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more. -Erica Jong

19. Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same. -Flavia Weedn

20. Life is a flower of which love is the honey. -Victor Hugo

21. Only from the heart can you touch the sky. -Rumi

22. Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. -Franklin P. Jones

23. I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect. And it’s these things I’d believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn’t all she should be. I love her and it is the beginning of everything. -F. Scott Fitzgerald

24. Give me my Romeo; and, when he shall die, take him and cut him out in little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night. -William Shakespeare

25. When you are gone all the colors fade. -Amos Lee

26. At the first kiss I felt something melt inside me that hurt in an exquisite way. All my longings, all my dreams and sweet anguish, All the secrets that slept deep within me came awake, Everything was transformed and enchanted, everything made sense. -Hermann Hesse

27. If I had the stars from the darkest night

And the diamonds from the deepest ocean,

I’d forsake them all for your sweet kiss,

For that’s all I’m wishin’ to be ownin’. -Bob Dylan

28. You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear. -Oscar Wilde

29. If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I.  -Michael D. Montaigne

30. Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts. -Charles Dickens

31. To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides. -David Viscott

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There’s Valentine’s Day advice for singles and couples, but what about commitment-phobes?

I’m a commitment-phobe of the worst kind and it spills into every aspect of my life: I can barely get through lunch with a guy without attempting to escape through the bathroom window. The baby aisle of the grocery store causes me to hyperventilate. Appointments give me a rash. I’m allergic to concrete plans of any kind.

So when Valentine’s Day rolls around, whether I’m dating someone or not, I have to bust out the Benadryl. If I’m in a relationship, I end up all verklempt because Valentine’s Day normally translates to “let’s express where we are in the relationship.” If I’m single, I end up all verklempt on behalf of my panic-stricken friends… and secretly feel guilty that I’m relieved I’m not them.

Truthfully though, I love Valentine’s Day. I enjoy watching everyone put their best foot forward, set their emotional baggage aside, and focus on what’s really important. Until I’ve dealt with my own baggage and can enjoy Valentine’s Day without getting hives, I’ve compiled a round-up of things commitment-phobes like myself can look forward to:

1. Pink + Red Drinks
It’s the one day each year you can order girly drinks because they’re festive without accusations of being a lightweight.

2. Couple Specials at Restaurants
It’s the best time to stock up on your fave takeout. One order will last you two dinners and a lunch!

3. Baking
What better time to make your favorite desserts and spend the day stuffing your face? Valentine’s Day is the one day this is expected.

4. Heart-Shaped EVERYTHING
It’s like being 12 again (without all of the awkward, adolescent crap you’re still trying to get over).

5. Chocolate
CHOCOLATE.

6. Chick Flicks
From the beginning of February leading right up to Valentine’s Day, there’s always a smorgasbord of rom-coms and gushy movies on TV.

7. Boy Bands
I feel weird being 30 and listening to boy bands: It’s like I’m the college guy at the high school party. That being said, I found my New Kids on the Block cassette tape and you can bet your ass I’m going to listen to it on Valentine’s Day. It’s just allowed.

8. Flowers
You can order flowers for yourself and make the card out from anyone you want!

9. Online Shopping
Valentine’s Day equals tons of specials, especially for bras, underwear and beauty supplies. Whether in a relationship or not, it’s the perfect time to stock up on essentials.

10. Valentine’s Day Cards
Not just any cards, but those adorable cardboard ones we used to hand out in school. They’re so fun, and would mean a lot to those panic-stricken friends of yours.

11. Spending the Day in Bed
If you can swing it, this is the biggest cha-ching of all no matter your relationship status.

12. Nicholas Sparks Everything
His movies make me sob like an infant in the best way possible. Why not have the girls over for a communal nervous breakdown?

13. February 15th
Chocolate at CLEARANCE prices. Need I say more?

What are your favorite things about Valentine’s Day?

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