Masturbating is healthy—so why don’t we treat it like the rest of our healthy habits?

There are plenty of healthy habits we work hard to achieve—eating better food, getting more exercise, sleep, and downtime. We talk about them fondly, and often. And even though masturbating is as healthy for your bod as anything else, it doesn’t get as much airplay. On a to-do list, we place it in that microscopic footnote section we pretend isn’t there, like side effects to a medication.

Even though most women masturbate a minimum of once a week, we’re all hush-hush about it like there’s something wrong with us. No, you don’t have to dish on the exact play-by-play, but why get all uncomfortable if it comes up in conversation?

Here are 7 reasons you should (proudly!) enjoy a little menage a moi:

1. It’s a happiness booster

Word is orgasms release endorphins—specifically, dopamine and oxytocin—which can boost your mood and create a natural high.

2. It can improve your self-esteem

Studies have shown young women who masturbate on the regular view their sexuality in a positive light—especially when able to talk openly and honestly about it in a way that emphasizes the normalcy of giving yourself a hand.

3. It can relieve menstrual pain

This is not a drill: Masturbating releases certain hormones that can relieve menstrual pain. It also helps relax the muscles that are causing those icky cramps of yours. Cha. Ching.

4. It eases tension

If it’s been a while or you’ve had a particularly brutal day (or both), it’s a great way to satisfy your libido while relieving stress. Really, it’s multitasking at its finest.

5. It helps you sleep

If you suck at the whole sleep thing, you should for reals consider using masturbation as a sleep aid. Post-orgasm, your blood pressure lowers, your body relaxes and your mind clears—better than any sedative!

6. It improves your sex life

How are you going to have amazing sex with a partner if you have no idea what your likes and dislikes are? (As we already know, guys aren’t exactly mind readers.) If you don’t know how to turn yourself on, your love life’s going to turn into a really bad rom-com trying to find someone who can.

7. Uh, orgasms

What’s not to love about masturbating? As far as healthy habits go, it’s definitely the most fun. You won’t get pregnant. You can’t get an STD. You don’t have to deal with someone else’s needs. You don’t have to snuggle afterward. You can just get to the point and mosey on with your fabulously busy life.

Do you treat masturbating differently than the rest of your healthy habits?

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ColumnSince the #30DayOrgasmChallenge launched in September, one thing has become eminently clear: the benefits of orgasm are impossible to ignore. I’ve been totally floored by the response.

Over the summer, after a lot of research, myriad in-person conversations and Gchats with friends and colleagues, I realized that there is a prevailing dissatisfaction with the state of the orgasm (at least for the mostly cis-gender, heterosexual women I’d been hearing from). So I had an idea: I would ask women to think about their orgasms in an entirely new way — and to follow up it up with action.

The #30DayOrgasmChallenge asked women to re-conceptualize their orgasms as a transformative, health-giving mind/body experience as essential as any other daily practice: like meditation, yoga, juicing… all the stuff that we manage to make time for because we know it’s good for us.

We tend to think of orgasms as a kind of gift — something we sometimes, when we’re lucky, get from an intimate experience. But what if this kind of pleasure were simply a part of your regular routine? Only 25 percent of heterosexual women are likely to have an orgasm from partnered sex, thanks to the orgasm gap. So taking it into our own hands, so to speak — is essential.

This challenge was made for women of all ages – those in their reproductive years and without kids, still reproductive young parents, peri and pre-menopausal – and post-menopause. And all relationship statuses – single, recently divorced, in long-term partnerships, newly dating. The #30DayOrgasmChallenge is a pleasure protocol for every woman.

Our desires fluctuate through the various stages of a relationship — from the “I must jump your bones immediately” phase to the “kinda bored” phase to the “OMG get off of me” phase. Some people call these latter phases “the itch” as in the two-year, five-year, or seven-year-itch. And being in any one of these stages can do a major number on your self-esteem – and with that, kill off what feels like the last of your desire. None of these stages, however, guarantee orgasms for women, which is why we must learn to expect and demand them. It’s essential for women to remember that the waning of your desire for a long-term partner is perfectly normal – and science backs it up. Women tend to get bored even earlier then men, despite the many myths we’ve been fed about our sexuality.

The #30DayOrgasmChallenge was (and still is, because you can start any time) an opportunity to revisit the frontier of your authentic desire nature — to remember who you’ve been and who you might be if you could be anyone you wanted to. Having an orgasm a day for 30 days can show you what your real relationship with pleasure is — exempt from the expectations of your partner, your culture, your body image issues, and other barriers to deeper self-knowledge about what you want and need.

For the initial launch, different women had different goals: some wanted to get to know their own bodies better – solo sex is a really important and necessary tool for teaching your current or future lovers what you want. Some women wanted to experience more intense, longer, and/or deeper orgasms through a daily practice. Some wanted to address diagnosed sexual dysfunction. Some wanted to know if they could achieve vaginal orgasms in addition to clitoral ones. Some wanted to move past shame and guilt. Still others just wanted stress relief, better sleep, and heightened immunity. But all knew that the benefits of orgasm are many and varied, and they simply wanted more of the good stuff.

I’m happy to report that various participants have told me that they’re never going to take the benefits of orgasm for granted again. Many found it to be deeply liberating and consciousness-shifting. I loved the creative directions in which different women took the challenge – a number of people kept a daily journal and wrote about each of their orgasms. Like the famous Morning Pages that many swear by, these “Orgasm Pages” were a place for the women to deposit the images, emotions, and states of awareness they uncovered as they moved through their 30-day journey. A few were even willing to share, like Carolyn Jayne, an artist from Rhode Island. She did more than merely journal – she created visual journals – gorgeous water color paintings for each entry. (Her prints are available for purchase, contact her at cjayneart@yahoo.com). Here’s an excerpt from one — the image is called “Juno’s Pomegranate”.

Day 26 – seems Stefanie’s 30 day challenge has opened new portals of magic and mystery within. As my watercolor art unfolds in perfect timing with my body’s “unfolding”. Or rather that which was previously folded up and put away in a dusty linen closet of yore has been re-opened and rejuvenated.

SG from Seattle had this to say: “The commitment to self-pleasure on an ongoing basis yielded profound shifts within me. Not only did I feel an enriched reconnection with my body and heart, but I felt a more dynamic sense of power and liberation, jewels that came from more deeply rooting the knowledge of my ability to rely upon and treasure myself.” 

Did you take on the #30DayOrgasmChallenge? Will you take the benefits of orgasm to the next level? If so, please share your reactions with me. Let’s change the world for women — one orgasm at a time.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email  stefanie at ecosalon dot com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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The post The Undeniable Benefits of Orgasm — Revisiting the #30DayOrgasmChallenge: Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnPut away your ice buckets, darlings, because it’s time to take on a much more pleasurable challenge, one that may help you achieve better orgasms – and perhaps create a better world.

How are your orgasms, anyway? Are you having enough of them? Are you having any at all? Are they as good as they used to be? Whether single or partnered or poly, we women tend not to prioritize pleasure. Orgasm is more like the sweet icing on the cake that you hope to taste now and again, but how often do we even take a slice of cake to begin with? I want you to have your cake and eat too. And then have seconds and thirds and fourths and fifths. (Maybe the whole cake.)

I remind myself on the regular that pleasure is not a gift from the universe that’s bestowed from on high; it’s something we must offer to ourselves — something we must demand. Even if we have to use an excuse to take pleasure, or put it on our calendar like a dentist appointment, it should not be back-burnered. I’ve written about it before: orgasm is as important as brushing your teeth and taking off your makeup before bed. It’s as important as your yoga class and your kale salad. It’s both prevention and cure rolled into one. And if yours are meh, there is much you can do to have better orgasms.

Here is an abbreviated list of the health benefits of orgasm, none of which have anything to do with how good they feel:

• Reduces migraine pain

• Improves immunity (cures the common cold)

• Oxytocin = dopamine = better mood

• Regulates menstrual cycle, reduces cramps

Sometimes we don’t give ourselves pleasure because we tell ourselves we’re too tired and we can’t be bothered. The pursuit of better orgasms, or the pursuit of orgasms, period, can be a huge problem for partnered people. Solo sex is fraught when you have a partner who is supposed to be your pleasure-provider. Some people who are relatively comfortable with partnered sex retain Catholic guilt (no matter their religion) about masturbation in any form.

The list of excuses is long: I can’t reach for my orgasm because my husband/boyfriend/girlfriend is going to be jealous or angry or just annoyed. Or I had one yesterday. Or I had one last week. Or I’m too busy. Or the kids need me. Or work needs me. Or I’ll just take care of it tomorrow. Or I don’t feel attractive enough: I’m not even attracted to myself.

There are endless reasons we subconsciously “forget” to seek orgasms. Ask yourself: Is sexual shame the reason you conveniently “forget” to include pleasure in your life every day?

Some women want orgasms, or think they want them, but then try and can’t have them. Some used to have them but don’t anymore — boredom or frustration with a partner is a common cause. Anorgasmia is sadly extremely common for women. Sexual dysfunction can be physiological, but most often it’s psychological. Sometimes a woman presents as depressed, with low libido, and is given an anti-depressant as a cure – which then depletes her libido even more. Many women just throw in the towel at this stage, assuming sexual pleasure must be given up: better orgasms just aren’t in the cards. A lot of women give up at menopause, assuming that what our culture says about women of a certain age is true (hint: it’s definitely not true).

Here is what I’m proposing: that we take our orgasms, and thus our lives, to the next level with what I’m calling the #30DayOrgasmChallenge. In the spirit of recent challenges — ice bucket, cinnamon, Mentos, and Diet Coke included, some for good causes and some just absurd, I offer you the one challenge that cannot hurt you — it can only make you feel sublime. (Unless you have some kind of unfortunate sex toy fail.) You don’t have to make a video of your challenge (unless that’s how you roll).

Think of the #30DayOrgasmChallenge like a month-long telethon. You should share your milestones, if you’re so inclined. Tweet it, post on Facebook, and/or record your progress on your Tumblr. Raise money like you would for a 5k run for charity — and donate it to Lady Parts Justice or Planned Parenthood. But more important, just do it: have one orgasm a day for the next 30 days. Start whenever you feel the call, but some options are (if you’re menstruating) on the first day of your cycle or right after your period. If you’re past your reproductive years you might want to begin on the next new or full moon.

You can link to this article and post something like this: I’m taking the #30DayOrgasmChallenge to raise money for for women’s health and reproductive justice. Donate to an excellent cause, cheer me on, and I’ll update you on my daily progress!

Break out your toys, your fingers, your partner’s fingers (and other parts), your trusty bathroom faucet. Promise yourself that once a day, every single day for the next thirty days, you will make an effort to have an orgasm. Whether your current orgasms are awesomely toe-curling, boring and reliable as reruns of “Friends”, or barely there, getting into this daily practice will, if nothing else, bring you into intimate contact with what makes your pleasure tick and click. Like a yoga or meditation practice, the #30DayOrgasmChallenge deepens as it goes. Speaking of meditation, another option for your orgasms is orgasmic meditation. (Read about it here and here.)

Women are very often told that a sexual dysfunction is their fate. A very normal erosion of attraction to a long-term partner doesn’t have to end your sex life, however. That thing they told you about attraction lasting forever, as long as you have good companionship — that was a load of bunk. Science is showing us in a variety of ways how women are more libidinous than men, but not just that — that we actually require sexual variety more than men. We’ve been taught the reverse. There is a lot of unlearning to do before we can fully claim our pleasure without negotiation, handwringing, and shame.

Yet more reasons to take the #30DayOrgasmChallenge, and tell your friends to take it too. There’s no official start date, but when you begin, tweet me @ecosexuality with the hashtag #30DayOrgasmChallenge or #PleasurePractice. I’m going to do a follow up and share your stories in early October. Let’s change the world, one orgasm at a time.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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ColumnHave you serviced yourself today? May is National Masturbation Month, so let’s intimately examine the art of self-pleasure. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, masturbation is not just free – solo sex may be the key to glowing health (and enduring happiness).

No matter how graphic, vulgar, and hyper-sexualized our culture is, masturbation, at least for women, still elicits a collective blush. Why are we so embarrassed about something so natural and accessible? Despite Betty Dodson’s groundbreaking work to liberate female masturbation in the sixties and seventies, solo sex remains one of our biggest taboos.

Notice how you’re comfortable meeting your girlfriends for brunch to dish on the details of last night’s hookup, yet that you’d NEVER say, “I had the most amazing orgasm with my vibrator last night.” Many of us touch ourselves, but we do it in the dark of night under the covers and we never speak of it.

But men, of course, have a long list of comfortable colloquialisms to describe masturbation, because for them, it’s no big deal. From “choking the chicken” to “buffing the banana” to “charming the snake”, there is an endless list of euphemisms to describe a man’s obsessive relationship with his penis. Sadly, we women have few to none. Let’s work on getting a room of our own (in which to diddle). I vote to start with “driving Miss Daisy.”

The initial shame we felt when we first discovered our bodies as teens often lingers. Somehow self-pleasure is much dirtier than sex with someone else – sex that is often performative and loaded with body image obsession, especially in the early stages of a relationship. And it’s a damn shame, because masturbation is one of the only ways to guarantee an orgasm. Why would you want to deny yourself the endless health benefits of the Big O?

Let us name just a few awesome side effects of the humble orgasm. Studies have shown that getting off is:

• Immune-boosting
• Good for sleep (thanks to prolactin)
• Promotes longer life (seriously)
• Brings brainpower
• Lowers blood pressure
• Improves digestion
• Anti-inflammatory
• Promotes youthfulness (better than Botox)

You can thank oxytocin, sometimes called the “love hormone” for many of the fringe benefits listed above. But orgasms also have social benefits – they are thought to enhance your confidence and connection to others. And it goes without saying – it deeply enhances your partnered sex life. A woman who knows her body and understands how to give it pleasure is duly equipped for mind-blowing sex.

Ready to make masturbation your next juice cleanse? Instead of a 30-Day Detox, try a 30-Day Masturbate-a-thon. If you don’t own a vibrator, consider picking up one of these amazing sustainable, body-safe options from my favorite sex toy company, Jimmyjane. If you know that you want to explore g-spot orgasms, choose a model that speaks to that need. If you plan to focus on clitoral stimulation, there are plenty of tools for that too. Other questions to consider – will you create a self-made fantasy, check out some porn (the feminist kind, of course) or employ some other mode of imaginative stimulation? Experiment, especially if you’re used to just one way of doing it — don’t get stuck in a masturbation rut.

Of course, you don’t need to spend any money at all on this endeavor. If you don’t plan to get fancy, your humble hand is your best friend – as is your shower-head. The key is to have a time and place set aside for your sessions, which I’d like you to think of exactly like your yoga or meditation practice. If you’re the type that would never skip a day of Ashtanga, you can certainly find a few minutes each evening before bed, or first thing in the morning, to “drive Miss Daisy.” Adjustments, of course, need to be made for partners, roommates, kids, and pets – but if dudes can manage it, you can too.

Go ahead — get your glow on, girls, and report back to me about how it went. Tweet using hashtag #nostigma to @ecosexuality.

FYI: The inimitable, 85-year old Betty Dodson is bringing back her famous BodySex workshops.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email  stefanie at ecosalon dot com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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ColumnIt’s reader letter time again! Today’s topics: period sex, shame and (the glories of) female masturbation.

I Don’t Want to Have Sex on My Period

Dear Stefanie,

I am in my mid-twenties and in a somewhat new relationship (five months). We have a great sex life, mostly – he’s a good lover and has helped me to relax in bed. I don’t mind how high his sex drive is most of the time – it makes me feel wanted. However, he wants to have sex when I’m on my period! GROSS. I’m not even ready to burp in front of this guy, and he wants to us to just put a towel on the bed and go to town. He even told me he wants to get his “red wings.” I feel like certain things should be private, especially in a new relationship. Won’t all the mystery be gone if our bodily functions are on display like that? How do I tell him that I don’t want him anywhere near me when I’m on the rag? Seriously – all I want to do is eat ice cream and watch Netflix – sexy time is not on my mind. Is he going to dump me because I’m not as sexually voracious as he is?

Sincerely,

My Bloody Valentine

Dear Bloody,

Before we talk about how miraculous your bloody vagina truly is, let’s talk about why you’re so worried about being dumped. That feels like the heart of your letter – so let’s tease apart where the insecurity comes from. You say that your boyfriend, bless his horny little heart, has helped you relax in bed – a tacit admission that you needed some relaxin’. At the same time, as in everything related to sexuality, consent is at the heart. If something makes you uncomfortable, you should NEVER feel any pressure to perform. On the lifelong journey that is sexual discovery, you’re right at the beginning, and there is no shame in that. Your boyfriend clearly wants you – he wants you all the time. But remember that his desire for you shouldn’t be the arbiter of whether or not you feel desirable. At some point you’ll discover that you are always desirable, despite your partner’s predilections. If he should ever get the proverbial “not now honey” headache, it doesn’t mean you’re any less sexy.

Now on to the bloody bits. We women are unfortunately trained to believe that our periods are gross, shameful, and should be banished to the metaphorical menstrual hut. The Western version of this is the tampon commercial with a smiling young woman in white stretch jeans riding a horse, erasing the evidence of the natural bodily process taking place. We’re told to pretend we’re pure and clean, and to hide the fact that our uterus must shed its lining approximately every twenty-eight days. But life is dirty, bodies are messy, and there’s no reason to be ashamed. Menstruation is a normal fact of life during our reproductive years, and there is nothing gross about it. In fact, it’s fairly magical. The ancients certainly thought so. Make it your business to figure out why you associate words like “gross” with your magical, mystical, life-giving period.

Feeling like you want to mainline Chubby Hubby and binge-watch “House of Cards” is perfectly normal, but feeling like you are “gross” is not. You do not have to ride a horse in white stretch jeans, because you may feel like crap. But did you know that orgasm is one of the best treatments for menstrual cramps? You can always give yourself one, but eventually you may feel ready to let your boyfriend help you with that process. Go slow, communicate, and explore your boundaries, always keeping a pint of Ben and Jerry’s at arm’s reach.

I Don’t Know How to Masturbate. Really. 

Dear Stefanie,

I came late to masturbation – LOL. But seriously, I didn’t start until I was 18, and I’m 23 now. I shared a bedroom with my older sister growing up, and there was no privacy in there. I must have been about 12 the one time I tried to do it under the covers while I thought she was sleeping, but she said “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” and that nipped it in the bud. We only had one bathroom, and I was forever being pressured to hurry the hell up, so it was a miracle if I got my contact lenses in – there was no time for self-pleasure. Since then, I’ve tried using my hand, a sex toy someone gifted me in college, and the faucet in the shower, but something seems to be wrong. It takes a really long time to bring myself to orgasm, and sometimes I can’t get there at all. I don’t have a crazy sex life, but when I do hook up, I probably come 2 out of every 10 times, and just barely. Is there something wrong with my clitoris, vagina, or brain? I am not a dummy – I have read everything there is to read about the way these body parts are connected, yet still – I believe masturbation/orgasms could be so much better, more efficient, and satisfying in general.

I Touch Myself (and nothing happens)

Dear Touch,

You are a smart cookie, and I like your sass – you know that self-pleasure is just as important as partner-pleasure. Good on you. First, it doesn’t sound like there is anything physically wrong with you, as you can orgasm – it’s just harder to get there and it doesn’t happen as often as you want it to. However, if you haven’t talked to your friendly neighborhood gynecologist about this – I would encourage you to take advantage of Obamacare and get your feet in some stirrups. My suspicion is that this all goes back to sharing a room with your sister and being rushed out of the bathroom by your family. Experiences like this can imprint our young brains with a major shame tattoo, and lasering that sucker off can take some work. Every time you considered pleasuring yourself, you didn’t even have a safe space in which to contemplate doing so. Most people experience shame associated with masturbation, thanks to culture and family. You had that typical shame, and then your sister yelled at you for touching yourself when you were young and impressionable. The extreme lack of privacy in your house made you feel like you’d be found out at any moment, and stopped you from experiencing a normal, healthy relationship with your body.

What’s your living situation now? Do you have a roommate? Are you still feeling privacy pressure? If you live with other people but have your own room, make sure there’s a robust lock on your door, to start. Worried about making too much noise? That’s what SoundCloud is for – crank it up. Could it be a time of day thing? Many people masturbate right before bed, but you might be exhausted and your body just isn’t in the mood to respond. Try changing up your timing – first thing in the morning, perhaps? You didn’t mention fantasies in your letter – that’s an important part of the masturbation matrix. Are you letting your mind wander where it wants to? Explore that, because it could be stymieing you. If your fantasy life seems to be functioning fine, it may be a matter of finding the sweet spot, so to speak. For many women, there is a very sensitive part of the clitoris – the upper left quadrant. See if you can locate this spot, and apply different kinds of pressure there – either with your finger or a toy. This might feel clinical at first, but it’s worth it. There are some excellent clitoral stimulators on the market – don’t be afraid to visit your local sex shop to find out what’s best for your needs. If you haven’t already come across (LOL) her work, Betty Dodson is the queen of all things masturbation — she is the pioneer on this subject and she’s still going.

Finally, and this might feel like a brave leap – might you consider Orgasmic Meditation? It’s a liberating tool that can help you bypass a lot of the stress and shame of “finding your orgasm.”

In closing, some wisdom from Lydia Lunch: “Pleasure is the ultimate rebellion.”

Love,

Stefanie

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie@ecosalon.com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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The post Reader Questions Answered on Period Sex and (Gasp) Female Masturbation: Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnA recent piece in the New York Times called “In Hookups, Inequality Still Reigns” really got my blood boiling. The premise is that college-aged women don’t get off on casual sex, while college-aged men always DO. I’m angry not just because my sisters are being deprived of pleasure and well-deserved orgasms, but also because of the ridiculously retrograde framing of the entire subject. I have to ask the Times – do you still believe we’re living in the Mad Men era?

An excerpt:

Like generations before them, many young women… are finding that casual sex does not bring the physical pleasure that men more often experience. New research suggests why: Women are less likely to have orgasms during uncommitted sexual encounters than in serious relationships.

At the same time, researchers say that young women are becoming equal partners in the hookup culture, often just as willing as young men to venture into sexual relationships without emotional ties.

“The notion of sexual liberation, where men and women both had equal access to casual sex, assumed a comparable likelihood of that sex being pleasurable,” said Kim Wallen, a professor of neuroendocrinology at Emory University who studies female desire. “But that part of the playing field isn’t level.”

Instead of unpacking WHY many young women accept mediocre sexual encounters, the author of the piece defaults to evolutionary psychology for an answer. Apparently, there are only two types of sex in this worldview – sex within a committed relationship, which more often ends in orgasm, and casual sex, which is usually a regrettable mistake. Not because pleasure parity is lacking, but rather because straying beyond the Madonna/whore binary is always going to end in disappointment. The implicit suggestion is that sexual liberation has failed all the misguided, wannabe sluts out there. Women who have casual sex aren’t having orgasms because they’re only meant to get off with their husbands, or something. It’s ridiculous and it has me incensed.

A doctor quoted in the article believes lack of practice may be part of the problem in first-time hookups– women orgasm with their regular partners because those men have learned to please them. This just furthers the patriarchal notion that we complicated creatures with our hard-to-find clitorises will never be as easy to turn on as video game consoles – and men are too lazy to bother. It’s all well and good that some men (in relationships) are willing to learn, but that’s not what’s at issue here. The question that’s not being asked is so obvious: why don’t women demand pleasure in every sexual encounter?

Women can, should, and damn it, MUST learn what pleases them when they’re young. I repeat my call that we de-stigmatize masturbation for teenage girls. When girls enter puberty they become sexual creatures with libidos. Why do we stifle this? Why are we afraid of this? Why aren’t girls given a vibrator when they’re given their first box of tampons? Sexual agency should begin when sexual feelings begin: parents need to face that tweens are on the cusp of womanhood, and all that goes along with it.

Whether you orgasm from missionary position or require digital stimulation, cunnilingus, or a good old sex toy, you need to go into your sexual encounters fully empowered by knowledge of your body. The Times article is about college-aged women, but I know that some of you in your late twenties, thirties, forties and even fifties are still allowing this kind of inequality to reign in your bedroom, both in your long-term partnerships and with one-night stands.

If you’re taking someone home or venturing to his place for the first time, do so knowing what you want and how you want it. If you’re going out with the intention of hooking up, carry not just condoms (you’re carrying those, right?) but also any other pleasure enhancers that will fit in your purse. Jimmyjane.com makes a gorgeous mini-vibe that you can discreetly tote around. Hand it to him when you get between the sheets, it’ll surely turn him on. If a guy is freaked out by your polite demand for pleasure-parity, he’s not worth it. Go back to the bar or swipe through Tinder to find someone that is.

Sexual liberation, if the revolution is to truly deliver its promise, has to come further than it already has – and that’s up to us. We’ve got to know not just what we want, but when to speak up.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie at ecosalon dot com, and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

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The post Do You Demand Pleasure Parity?: Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

ColumnAre you getting in the way of your own pleasure?

Men often take pleasure for granted. Boys are taught that masturbation is an important, healthy part of puberty. They may hide in the bathroom, but society generally accepts that “boys will be boys.” For girls, self-pleasure is still a big no-no — a cause for shame and titillation. Think of our nicknames for masturbation — jacking off is the most common, for which there was no equivalent until “Jilling off” until was added to the lexicon about 10 years ago. There’s still a “good girls don’t” myth making the rounds when it comes to self-pleasure.

The vast majority of straight porn scenes center on a woman providing pleasure for a man. (Note: the women in those scenes look like they’re getting an equal amount of pleasure, though they’re not actually being pleasured. The message is that women get enough out of giving — so maybe they don’t need to get theirs too). For the purposes of this post, let’s focus on what goes on between men and women in bed– and more importantly, in women’s minds.

Think about your last relationship, or your last casual affair — even your last one-night stand. Was it a given that your partner would have an orgasm? Unless you’re practicing tantra, it’s pretty much established practice that the man will get off. But not necessarily so for the woman.

The theory is that women’s orgasms are rare, like unicorns, so men should be proud when they’re able to provide them. Women sometimes fake orgasms because they want the proceedings to finish up, but even more often, because a man’s ego is at stake. Have you ever been in a situation in which you were more worried about your partner’s feelings than your own pleasure? Once again, the established narrative is about how the dude feels — not you. See where I’m going with this?

This isn’t about men being selfish in bed. There are enough enlightened, generous men out there who’d be happy to service you, all night long if that’s what you want. There’s practically an industry devoted to men trying to understand the perceived complexities of women’s bodies. Whether your guy genuinely wants you to have pleasure, because he wants you to be happy, or he’s a “bro” that wants to put a notch on his bedpost — many men are willing to do the work.

But the question is this — are YOU open to receiving the benefits of those labors? That’s what it comes down to, no matter who your partner is. (Here’s hoping he’s not that proverbial “bro”.) We’ve talked about how body image issues come to bed with us, and how detrimental they can be. Equally important is how much you believe you deserve pleasure. Here are some important questions to ask yourself:

• Do you feel comfortable asking for what you want in bed?
• Do you feel comfortable initiating sex?
• Do you feel relaxed in bed?
• Do you think about how your body looks, if you’re “doing it right”, or wonder whether or not your partner is having a good time?

If you answered no to the first three questions, but a definite yes to the third, you’re not allowing yourself pleasure — you’re cutting it off at the pass, and probably having sex for the wrong reasons.

Next time you find yourself between the sheets, start with your breath. Just like in meditation and yoga, this can be an excellent anchor for coming back to the present moment, relaxing and allowing yourself to connect to how your body feels. But don’t be a fascist about it — if you trail away from awareness of breath — you’re not doing it wrong. Just gently go back to breathing long and deep.

Another way to address this issue is to simply close your eyes, and get lost in fantasy. Those who don’t feel deserving of pleasure often have trouble allowing themselves to fantasize — but it’s worth trying. It should be said that this can all be linked to more serious issues — a history of sexual abuse or deeper problems with self-esteem. But commonly, it’s just the result of living in a world where women are only now learning how to let themselves enjoy their own bodies, bit by bit. After all, for most of recorded history we were considered property. Contemporary culture — art, fashion, music, movies and TV — they’re still figuring out how feminism works. But you can take the cause into your own hands (literally!) and insist that pleasure be a part of your life — every single day.

Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie@ecosalon.com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.

Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality

Related on EcoSalon:

Slow Sex: Spring is for Shedding (Layers and Baggage)

Part 1: Monogamy is a Patriarchal Myth (& Other Things Your Parents Probably Never Taught You)

Image: Crysco Photography

The post The Art of Receiving – Do You Deserve Pleasure?: Sexual Healing appeared first on EcoSalon.

Chastity belts arrived just after the religious wars and are still going strong.

Even though most of us think of chastity belts as bizarre medieval anti-sex devices, there are more of them now available than at any other time before in Planet Earth’s history.

After all, there are plenty of websites out there selling modern day ‘chastity belts’ for the BDSM crowd, some of them pricier than others. For each of these sites, there is a pile of these belts in boxes waiting to be shipped out the door. That means thousands of them, in all sorts of shapes and sizes, made from various materials and combinations of materials, for both men and women. Of course, chastity belts weren’t originally meant for sex play (at least not according to the Wikipedia page on the subject), they were to keep women safe from rape (and temptation) during the Crusades.

Except for the fact that this isn’t true.

The first evidence of the belts weren’t found until 100 years after the religious wars. But they were worn by men and women during the Renaissance – or at least there are devices that exist that date from that time. Evidence is hard to come by, but there is this chilling tale: “In 1889, a leather-and-iron belt was found by Anton Pachinger, a German collector of antiquities in Linz, Austria in a grave on a skeleton of a young woman. The woman was reportedly buried sometime in the 16th century. Pachinger, however, could not find any record of the woman’s burial in the town archives.”

But looking through the wide variety, not to mention the close similarities between the post-medieval devices and modern ones, I got to thinking about what chastity belts were ultimately supposed to do, which is to create a physical barrier between a person getting their sex on, usually with another person. While some of the men’s belts are meant to prevent erections altogether, and therefore masturbation (they were actually used in the 1930’s to keep kids and teens from onanism), the majority of them are to keep women from having sex.

These days of course, the whole thing is more about playing with power roles in sexual relationships, and chastity belts are the way that some people enact those parts. But it got me to thinking: In 2011, what does chastity mean, anyway? In these days of psuedo-virginity and born-again virgins, teens being encouraged to masturbate (as parents are realizing that it’s safer than sex), vaginal “rejuvenation” surgery, and an ever-growing acceptance of sexual nonconformity and openness (drugstores are selling dildos, swingers’ clubs are as suburban as Chevy Suburbans), does anyone really care about chastity anymore?

Image: Arcadius

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