What if you found out your guy’s been man whoring it up on Ashley Madison?
Ashley Madison, the super classy site for married cheaters—tagline “Life Is Short. Have An Affair”—was recently hacked. (I know, heartbreaking, right?) The company’s data is being held hostage by a group of hackers who call themselves “The Impact Team.” They’re demanding the company take down the site or they’ll out the 37 million adulterers who’ve used it—which I’m assuming has left said cheaters in a state of shitting-their-pants terror.
It’s certainly one of the most intriguing hacks in recent history; a hybrid of identity fraud and steamy, TMZ-worthy dirt. As for the 37 million cheated-on spouses, if their sig-o’s data were to end up leaked—we’re talking nude photos, sexual fantasies, the whole nine—how might that play out exactly?
Here, the 10 (potential) emotional stages of finding out the hubs is pimping himself out on Ashley Madison:
1. When he starts being suspiciously nice to you, at first you get all…
2. But then you get all…
3. You secretly keep up with news of the hack more than you keep up with the Kardashians.
4. When news hits that he is, in fact, a member of Ashley Madison…
5. “But maybe it’s just someone who looks like him. With the same name. And address.”
6. You don’t know whether to laugh or cry about the fact that his nude photos are seriously Photoshopped.
7. That thing where he lists sexual fantasies you didn’t even know existed.
8. You start searching for old boyfriends, past flings, and basically everyone you’ve ever met with a penis to even the score.
9. You’re at a crossroads in your relationship where only you can decide what’s best for you. Cue background pianist.
10. But first: Pawn his guilt gifts or burn them? Decisions, decisions.
Times this emotional reaction by 37 million, and you’ve got pure anarchy.
How do you feel about the Ashley Madison hack?
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