Seriously, what did our vaginas ever do to us?
Ever since back in the day when pubic hair became uncool, women have been doing some pretty batshit things to make their vaginas feel better, look prettier and smell like anything other than a vagina.
It turns out there are even crazier things you can do with your vagina other than give birth to a human:
1. You can steam it
Yep, vaginal steaming is a thing. You apparently pick out herbs – you know, like you do for asparagus – that help to detox and heal any vaginal imbalances. But how exactly do you know if you’re walking around with an imbalanced vagina?
2. You can knit with it
This is not a drill.
3. You can keep it cool
There’s underwear that works as central air for your vag to keep it from overheating – the technology apparently reduces your down-there temperature by three degrees. Not sure, but your boyfriend’s peen might have to wear a light jacket the next time you fool around.
4. You can buy it a hat
The Vaj-J Visor is a little hat that protects your vagina while shaving, waxing or tanning. It comes in a wide variety of colors – because if your visor clashed with your razor, that would be weird.
5. You can dye it
This might be taking the whole carpet-and-drapes thing a little too far.
6. You can whiten it
According to women who clearly spend too much time studying their vaginas, it’s better for your vagina to be as pale as a creepy china doll: Vaginal whitening is all the rage in places like Thailand and India, where you essentially bleach your lady bits and make them look so pale they practically glow in the dark.
7. You can keep it minty fresh
I wish I was joking, but unfortunately vaginal mints do exist (otherwise known as a yeast infection waiting to happen).
8. You can give it injections
Fillers aren’t just for your face anymore: Women are injecting collagen into their cooch to inflate their g-spot, making it super sensitive to sexual stimulation. You know what else inflates your g-spot? A guy who knows what he’s doing.
9. You can give it a makeover
Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation runs for between $4,000 and $20,000 and aims to make a woman’s vagina tighter than a vice-grip – you know, to make up for years of promiscuity and super-size vibrators. There’s also a more budget friendly option: “Wanna Be Tight” Vaginal Shrink Gel. I wanna be drunk.
10. You can decorate it
Like the college guy hanging out at a high school party, vajazzling is still around – especially useful if your guy is distracted by shiny things.
11. You can remodel it
If you’re looking for a new pair of drapes, a labiaplasty will give your otherwise floppy, uneven vaginal opening a more proportioned, feminine look… for $5,000 or more.
12. You can give it a facial
Vajacials (vagina facials) are a 50-minute beauty “essential” where your nether regions are plucked, cleansed, moisturized and covered in a fruit-flavored mask. Because in order to have good sex, you have to smell like a scented candle.
Annnd I’m spent.
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