10 Fortunes You Never Got In Your Cookie

In a perfect world, all restaurants would serve these.

10. Someone at this table has bedbugs.

9. This Christmas you are going to get four separate copies of Cheryl Strayed’s Wild from various acquaintances and your mother. This is inevitable; you cannot change it.

8. When the Mommy Wars draw to a bloody close in 2044, the few surviving men will be chained in the natal mines. Only one woman will be able to bring them back. That woman is you.

7. You will be an active part of a future movement to disenfranchise voters who refer to champagne as “champers.”

6. Right at this very moment, an actress is preparing herself to accept a moderately prestigious award for playing a complicated prostitute. In the future, awards for portraying complicated prostitutes will become not only the highest honor a female civilian can achieve but the statuettes will become a form of currency.

5. Your ankle, which feels kind of weird right now – it doesn’t hurt, exactly, but there’s kind of a twinge when you point your toes or walk in a certain way – is going to feel like that for the rest of your life.

4. When your waiter asks you to sign the credit card receipt, she’s going to refer to it as “getting your autograph;” a portion of each of your immortal souls will die instantly.

3. If life brings you tears, use the salt from those tears to make salted caramel macaroons, open a very expensive dessert shop, and charge $4 a piece. Later charge $6 apiece. People will pay it.

2. You were put here on this earth to design a line of artisan-style pizzas for a mid-range casual dining chain; for this purpose and no other were you formed out of nothingness.

1. Due to a series of odd and unrelated coincidences, you will never watch an episode of “Maude” again for the rest of your life.

Mallory Ortberg

Mallory resides in San Francisco, California. You can catch her weekly Sex By Numbers column.