3 Things We Wish Male Nipples Could Make Go Away

3 Things We Wish Male Nipples Could Make Go Away

So, there’s a new social media trend: Women are protesting bans on female nipples by photoshopping male nipples on their breasts. Now, that’s not a bad idea, really, but if a male nipple can stop female body policing, perhaps those magical nipples can stop other pesky things that annoy us, too.

Problem #1: Donald Trump’s loud, racist mouth

Donald Trump has never exactly been a loveable, open-minded guy, but we really didn’t think he was this dumb. A few weeks ago, Trump decided to run for president. That’s fine. But during his announcement speech, he thought it would be a great idea to state that Mexico is sending the United States its rapists and criminals… frown face. And even now, a few weeks later, Trump still doesn’t get why his words were so terrible. We’re hoping if we slap one large nipple over his loud mouth, he’ll cease saying such stupid lies.

Problem #2: Bill Cosby’s drug handling fingers

For the past year (let’s be honest — for the past few decades), Cosby has been denying that he drugged and raped multiple women. This past week, documents from a civil lawsuit were leaked that proved that Cosby, in fact, admitted to “getting prescription Quaaludes to give to women he wanted to have sex with,” reports CNN. We’d love to slap 10 tiny male nipples all over Cosby’s fingers to stop him from dispensing another pill ever again.

Problem #3: That NYPD police officer’s dirty wang

So, apparently Michael Iscenko, a NYPD sergeant, found one of his co-workers attractive. No big deal, right? Office romances happen all the time! Well, this guy decided to show his attraction by splashing his semen on the woman he had a crush on… Ugh. Ew. Gross. No. We’d like to make sure this never happens again by placing nipples all over this guy’s penis (think of it as a nipple-based chastity belt).

Have you read about any incidents in the news that you’d like to make inoffensive by placing a male nipple on? If so, share in the comments.

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Abbie Stutzer

Writer, editor, and owner of Ginchy!, a freelance writing and editing company, and home funeral hub. Adores smart sex ed, sustainable ag, spooky history, women's health, feminism, horror, wine, and sci-fi.