Introvert problems that are only problems to extroverts.
So here’s the thing: I’m an introvert. I’m awkward, shy, crowds make me want to hyperventilate – and I’m totally okay with it. In my experience, the only introvert problems we face are the ones dropped on our shoulders by people who don’t understand us.
I’ve spent a good portion of my life perpetually confused as to why people always comment on how I act, think and feel, like I need to be “fixed.” I mean, is there a specific number of words you have to say per day before people stop saying you’re quiet? Do you have to schedule a certain number of facial expressions so people stop asking what’s wrong? And how many times are you “allowed” to stay in before people assume you’re depressed?
It took me 30 years to find the answer to introvert problems like these: Who cares? As much as we’ve been made to feel otherwise, being exactly who we are is a good thing. To let you off the hook, here are 42 introvert problems that are, in fact, not problems at all:
1. Small talk. Barf.
2. Once you’ve made plans with someone, you immediately regret your decision.
3. When your plans are cancelled at the last minute, you want to twirl in a meadow singing “The Hills Are Alive.”
4. You delete Facebook event invitations before you’ve even read them.
5. You don’t own party clothes because party clothes equal parties, which equal people.
6. You’ll spend $50 on a cab home before spending the night at someone’s house.
7. You prepare an escape route for every social event.
8. If your sig-o were to ask you to choose between him or your track pants, well…
9. You want to make out with the superhero who invented self-serve checkouts.
10. There are times when you go out only because your friends don’t remember what you look like.
11. You’re more connected to TV characters than you are real people.
12. You feel ill anytime you hear the words “audience participation.”
13. When you hear someone getting in the elevator, you immediately take the stairs.
14. You have never, and will never, use Siri commands.
15. Since buying a cell phone, you’ve used every feature on it… you know, except for the phone part.
16. You wear sunglasses everywhere you go so people can’t suck you into the vortex that is chit chat.
17. You wear headphones for the same reason – even when you’re not listening to music.
18. Silence is your BFF.
19. There are only two people on the planet you answer the phone for.
20. When you’re about to bump into a Chatty McNeverShutsUp in the produce aisle, you turn the eff around – and from that moment on, your entire grocery shopping experience turns into a game of Pac Man.
21. You’ve already planned how you’re going to spend next weekend, and none of your plans include people.
22. You love power outages, rain storms, and blizzards – basically, anything that slows the world down to your pace for a little while.
23. You only place phone calls when you know someone’s going to be unavailable so you can leave a (pre-rehearsed) message.
24. You’d rather clean your bathroom than go to the bar.
25. You practice conversation-starters and quirky stories before you go out “just in case.”
26. Phrases like, “You should get out more,” “Just put yourself out there,” and “Come out of your shell,” compel you to bathe with a toaster.
27. On your nights out, you don’t need to drink to wake up with a hangover.
28. You make fake plans to get out of making actual plans.
29. Networking makes you break out in hives.
30. There are days when people ask if something’s wrong so often, you begin looking for things that are wrong.
31. “Wanna hang out?” is the worst phrase in the English language.
32. You feel more alone in a room full of people than when you’re actually alone.
33. You order pizza online.
34. You’re 99 percent sure your soulmate is a cat.
35. You plan errands based on when stores will be the least busy.
36. You think crocheting is the best.
37. You exercise at home because socializing at the gym makes you sweat more than the exercise itself.
38. When someone shows up uninvited, you immediately plan what you’ll say to them tomorrow when they ask why you didn’t answer the door.
39. People say more while they’re asleep than you do all day.
40. You’re immune to the inevitable chin quiver when you’ve rejected someone who wants to make plans with you.
41. You become paranoid your guests will never leave – even though they’ve only been there for a half an hour.
42. You have no problem with being an introvert. You have a problem with everyone else’s problem with it.
Which introvert problems grind your gears the most?
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Image: Kathy