Charlie Sheen plans his comeback as Hollywood plans to forget his history of violence.
Maybe it’s all Jane Lynch’s fault. She’s just so cool, all progressive grace and comedy meshed into a statuesque beacon of tolerance. A happily married lesbian embraced by her peers, even her hair color blasts away at dumb blonde stereotypes. With Jane Lynch hosting the 2011 Primetime Emmys on Sunday night, every socially conscious TV watcher sat up a little straighter, proud that America was embracing a new vision of social tolerance.
So maybe that’s why this part stung. Like, really stung.
Enter Charlie Sheen. Neatly filling out his suit, the formerly highest paid actor in television was greeted with applause. “Thank you, good evening,” he said, politely waiting for the clapping to end. “Before I present outstanding lead actor in a comedy series, my old category, I want to take a moment to get something of my chest and say a few words to everybody here from Two and a Half Men. From the bottom of my heart, I wish you nothing but the best for this upcoming season. We spent eight wonderful years together and I know you will continue to make great television. Now, on to the Emmy.”
Then he paused to a roar of applause. As Natalie Finn of E!Online wrote moments later, “And that, friends, is how you cover your butt and start paving the way for your return to network TV.”
Suddenly, everything seemed to lose its Jane Lynchian glow. Some of us started slouching our foreheads towards the spinach dip. Charlie Sheen, known abuser of women, had made the first step in his journey back towards a $1.2 million an episode paycheck. For anyone confused as to why such a person deserves a comeback, or even applause, here’s how this works in the mind of Hollywood.
In 1990 Sheen accidentally shot fiancée Kelly Preston in the arm. Who hasn’t experienced a lover’s quarrel involving accidental gunplay? And she did break up with him, so what’s the problem?
In 1994, Sheen was sued by a college student he allegedly abused after she refused to have sex with him. Well, the case was settled out of court. She was probably just after his money, which she got. It’s a win win.
In 1996, porn star Brittany Ashland was thrown to the floor during a fight at Sheen’s Hollywood home. We’re supposed to care about a porn star?
In 2006, second wife Denise Richards filed a restraining order against Sheen after he allegedly shoved and threatened to kill her. Did you see Wild Things? Practically porn.
In 2009, third wife Brooke Mueller called 911 after Sheen held a knife to her throat. Well, she keeps getting back together with him in between her own trips to rehab. Obviously there’s no real issue.
In 2010, porn star Capri Anderson filed a criminal complaint after Sheen went on a rampage in their hotel room at the Plaza Hotel. See: porn star, rumored prostitute. Why are we still talking?
In 2011, Sheen threatened to cut off Brooke Mueller’s head, put it in a box, and send it to her mother. He’s such a scamp.
And as most of the Internet knows, Sheen was only fired from Two and a Half Man after a public tirade against its creator, Chuck Lorre. Which happened in 2011, after 21 years of known violence against women.
But Sheen continues to “win” in Hollywood. Besides his crafted apology, he already has a new show in development. It’s about an anger management therapist who is angrier than his patients. Hopefully, his rage won’t be directed against women. But if it is? The ratings are going to be huge.