ColumnOur culture (simultaneously puritanical and hyper-sexualized) has long had its knickers in a twist about causal sex – especially the kind had by women. Last week a new study moved slightly beyond the “good girls don’t” trope, proving that casual sex can be healthy — if you’re not already hung up about it.
Even if you’re not a casual sex regular, you’ve probably been there at least once. Perhaps it was the classic campus walk of shame — ambling back to your dorm room with smeared mascara as your suite-mates headed to their first class of the day. Or the adult version — hailing a taxi in stilettos in the middle of the early morning rush.
The study in question suggests that having casual sex is good for you – but only if you’re already down with casual sex. On the other hand, if you’ve got judgments about the concept, it’s unlikely that a one-night stand will make you feel good. Those who scored high on the sociosexual scale (measuring openness to causal sex) reported feeling good after casual liaisons. (Guilt about drunkeness and failure to use condoms figured heavily in to whether or not people felt post-coital shame.)
With all the recent pearl-clutching about hookup culture, Americans are clearly still in the throes of the Madonna-Whore complex — but we can break out if we try. This study begins to show us the increasingly absurd assumptions of evolutionary psychology. Like the groundbreaking “Sex at Dawn” and Daniel Bergner’s “What Women Want“, there is a growing body of literature about sexuality that attempts to destroy the misogynist stereotypes that tend to hijack any discussion about women and pleasure.
We need more of this line of inquiry, but we also need to create our own sexual breakthroughs – don’t just leave it to the scientists. Examine your own judgments about casual sex. Were you exposed to negative messages about sexuality when you were young? Were you slut-shamed? No matter how liberated, progressive, non-religious and intellectually enlightened we are, we’re not immune to the toxic sludge of shame. That’s something that must be worked through, day-by-day, encounter-by-encounter, and basically every time we get dressed.
Let’s turn the “Walk of Shame” into the “Walk of Awesome.” There is no reason the boys should be the only ones having fun here. A few things to remember: Communication is just as important in one-night affairs as it is in long-term relationships – don’t be shy about asking for what you want. Enthusiastic consent rules. In fact, if you’re never going to see Mr. Tonight again – you might feel even bolder. As long as you’re safe – (condoms please!) and not overly inebriated, you can and should have at least a few casual hookups, especially if you plan to settle down with one partner for the long term. It goes without saying that safety isn’t just about STI’s — a recent “Daily Show” segment covers the long list of dangers and double-standards we women face.
Here are some reasons you may want to give it a go. Orgasm is great for you. Sure, orgasm doesn’t always happen on the first go with a new partner – but you can encourage it by being vocal or introducing your favorite toy. If you’re working on improving your body image – novel sexual encounters can help you to get more comfortable.
This isn’t to say that everyone is cool with casual sex; we’re not all cut out for it. But I would argue that slut-shaming messages, rather than women’s natural inclinations, are the driver of their experiences. The Vrangalova study suggests, at least to me, that we come to sex with innumerable, highly complex attitudes shaped by genetics, parenting, advertising, socializing and so on. It’s not black and white, nor is it just nature or just nurture – and casual sex is not all good or all bad.
So if you’re single (or newly single), but you chose to leave casual sex behind when you packed up your dorm room – you may want to take your judgments out for at least one more spin.
Got a question for Stefanie? Email stefanie@ecosalon.com and she’ll answer it in the next Sexual Healing column.
Keep in touch with Stefanie on Twitter: @ecosexuality
Related on EcoSalon
How To Start Your Own Personal Sexual Revolution
The Real Reason Female Sexuality Has Been Repressed For Millennia
Sex and Intimacy: What’s Love Got To Do With It?
Image: Maxime Guilbot