Most Ridiculous Quotes About Women (2012 Edition)

With beliefs like these floating around, we have to remind ourselves that it’s 2012.

Welcome back everyone! Bad news, they did not cancel sexism this year so we’ve got a full list of horrific quotes about women made in 2012 to look forward to. All of last year’s rules apply, with this notable exception: you will find no Republican politicians here. They are Professionals and we’re dealing strictly with amateurs who play for the love of the game.

10. Licensed comedy expert Nikki Finke at Deadline Hollywood: “Beautiful actresses are not funny. They don’t know how to do comedy…Only women who grew up ugly and stayed ugly, or through plastic surgery became beautiful, can pull off sitcoms or standups [sic].” Women who were born beautiful but were mauled or otherwise mutilated can sometimes become funny but only after they have been disfigured for a period of time equal to or greater than the duration of their attractive years.

9. Justice Bhaktavatsala, an Indian judge on single female lawyers: “[F]amily matters should be argued only by married people, not spinsters.” Which, speaking of, how good is The Good Wife this season? So good, right? I would say “surprisingly good.” Anything that keeps Christine Baranski working, you know.

8. Gallus Strobel, German mayor who recently marked “difficult” male and “easy” female parking spaces in his small town of Triberg: “It’s been a great marketing gimmick. Women can come here and prove me wrong, and while they’re at it they can see the town’s attractions.” They will probably not do either of these things, but if all you’ve got on your resume at this point in your life is “Mayor of Triberg” and “the parking space guy,” I’m inclined to give you a pass on this one.

7. Douglas Brinkely, of the New York Times, on Jodi Kantor’s White House biography The Obamas: “chick nonfiction” (in his defense, her book is just a series of pencil drawings of Michelle Obama’s clothes with heart-shaped doodles scrawled in randomly around the margins). More importantly, this distinction opens up so many new categories of literature, like “chick war correspondence,” “chick magical realism,” and “chick large print.”

6. Chilean president Sebastian Pinera: “When a politician says ‘Yes,’ he means ‘Maybe,’ when he says ‘Maybe,’ he means ‘No,’ and if he says ‘No,’ he’s not a politician. When a lady says ‘No,’ she means ‘Maybe,’ when she says ‘Maybe,’ she means ‘Yes,’ and if she says ‘Yes,’ she’s not a lady.” Sebastian! There has got to be a quicker way to make that point.

5. Hong Kong billionaire Cecil Chao Sze-tsung on his £40 million pound bounty to any man who successfully courts his recently-married lesbian daughter: “[the money is] an inducement to attract someone who has the talent but not the capital to start his own business.” Awww, buddy. That’s not how love or money works.

4. Safeway Senior VP and General Counsel Robert Gordon opened this year’s shareholder meeting with a little joke: “The president flew into the White House lawn and an agent greeted him at the helicopter. The president was carrying two pigs under his arms and the Secret Service agent said, ‘Nice pigs, sir.’ ‘These are not ordinary pigs, these are genuine Arkansas razorback hogs. I got one for former Speaker Nancy Pelosi and one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.’ And the Secret Service agent said, ‘Excellent trade, sir.'” I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that kind of bush-league dad joke at a Piggly Wiggly meeting, but I expected a little better from the people who brought us O Organics. Also why is the President carrying the pigs himself in this scenario? Wouldn’t there be a special pig handler nearby, or travel carriers at the least? This story is full of holes.

3. Fox anchor Brian Kilmeade, upon learning that the United States Navy Band was admitting female musicians: “Women are everywhere. We’re letting them play golf and tennis now. It’s out of control.” Just wait until the misandrist bloodbath that gets started once we break through the glass ceiling in badminton.

2. Masked commenter The Toronto Programmer on sexism within the tech community: “‘Brogrammer’ isn’t an exclusionary term…the female equivalent is called a ‘hogrammer’ and I have big respect for women that wear that badge proudly.” Yeah, there is going to be sexism all over Mars and in spaceships and just everywhere in the future thanks to this kind of tech-world sexism (Also I would totally wear a badge that said “hogrammer” on it).

1. Dom and James, creators of Facebook’s Twelve-Year-Old Slut Memes, on their raison d’être: “As long as there are sluts, we will put them in their place.”

This year’s Honorable Mention goes to Aaron Sorkin for his latest HBO series, Normally Capable Women Falling Into Fountains While Wearing Business Suits.

All quotes were calibrated and weighted scientifically in order of sexism and have been arranged accordingly. This list, as always, is comprehensive and exhaustive; nothing has been forgotten or excluded so if you heard anything else sexist this year that’s not here you probably just didn’t understand what they meant to say.

Image: adactio

Mallory Ortberg

Mallory resides in San Francisco, California. You can catch her weekly Sex By Numbers column.