Clean energy at its dirtiest: Pornhub’s “Wankband” produces green power by putting chronic masturbators to good use.
Because when I think Pornhub, I think staunch environmentalists: Better known as the Fitbit’s creepy uncle, the “Wankband” is a (hopefully waterproof) device that allows you to save the planet and charge your smartphone by—you guessed it—masturbating. Finally, moms across the country can make their teenage sons useful (in fact, there were a few in my day who would have been able to feed energy back into the grid).
“It’s well known how incredibly fast we run out of our natural resources and, what’s worse, how much they pollute in order to create energy,” says Pornhub’s promo video. “At Pornhub, we realize that by offering our users millions of hours of adult content, we are part of the problem. That’s why we’re going to show men how they can save the planet while doing what they do best.” (And the Nobel Prize goes to…)
The device contains a valve with a small weight inside, and the upwards-downwards motion of masturbating causes the weight to move up and down as well, which generates energy you can store for a rainy day. There’s a USB port on the side of the “Wankband,” so you can plug your tech devices into it and charge them using the power stored.
“Turn your jobless roommate into a productive person,” the clip says. “And now, when your partner catches you in the act, you can simply say that you’re trying to save on the electric bill. The possibilities are endless.” Nope, there’s only one: Divorce papers.
It says the device is unisex and will work for women just as well as men, but they’re not really clear on how that’s possible, since the motion that charges it is more dude-friendly. If you start seeing a bunch of women around your neighborhood with sprained wrists, I guess that answers our question. Of course, as Pornhub so eloquently puts it, you can “do your part with your part” by signing up to be one of their be(a)ta testers (ha). You know, for science.
Is the “Wankband” a realistic way to produce clean energy? Of course not. If it’s anything like those flashlights you have to shake for an hour to get a few minutes of light, I’m not so sure guys will end up with a charged phone so much as a really large bicep… and possibly carpal tunnel.
And I’m sure this has nothing to do with the fact that in order for men to put the “Wankband” to good use, they’d have to watch more porn. Nah, because that would be ridiculous.
I will say though, the brand’s humblebrag video is good for a giggle:
What do you think of this er, interesting way to produce clean energy?
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