7 Annoying Things Men Are Doing with their Penises (From Sex Scandal to ‘Holy Semen’)

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What’s up, guys? Why are you doing so many annoying things with your penises? From the political sex scandal to the extremely weird to obscene yoga postures, there are far too many penises in the news lately. 

Don’t get us wrong. We love a good penis. But, guys, seriously, it can be so easily ruined when you do weird and inappropriate things with it. (Right, Brett Favre? Everyone knows your passing game was far more impressive than those pics.)

It’s not like we actively sought out these stories, they just keep, well, falling into our laps…and it’s getting pretty annoying, if not downright Carlos Danger-ous…

1. That creepy Subway employee who rubbed his penis all over some bread: If only he could have given new meaning to the “foot long,” but alas, all he did was take pictures of his not-so-salami rubbing up against some freshly baked Subway sandwich bread, claiming he was at home and would “never” do it at work. Still, no wonder Jared lost so much weight…ew.

2. Andrew Weiner aka Carlos Danger: If you’re a politician looking for some way to stir up media attention and piss off your wife again, a sex scandal is so predictably boring. Unless, of course, you’re New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner, who can’t seem to keep his iPhone camera away from his penis for any significant length of time. His latest faux pas involves the secret identity, Carlos Danger, which we think is kind of awesome if it weren’t so grossly connected with sending pics of his penis to strangers on the internet. Someone get this guy’s computer password protected already, and a really complicated belt buckle.

3. Brazilian Evangelical Pastor Valdeci Sobrino Picanto: Pastor Picanto apparently has the most sacred penis in all of the world. He claims the Holy Spirit would “secrete” from his penis “sacred milk.” (Go ahead and clean up the vomit, we’ll wait.) He’s now in jail after being arrested for encouraging followers to “drink” this Holy Spirit.

4. San Diego Mayor Bob Filner: Ah yes, the sex scandal and politicians…next on our list is the class-act in San Diego, Mayor Bob Filner, who has been accused by so many women of sexual harassment that Hooters restaurant has banned him (for real!), even after he underwent rehab for his apparent illness, which didn’t convince anyone. He’s been forced to resign. No word how his penis is taking the news.

5. Italy’s Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi: Finally, a political sex scandal with real consequences. Across the pond in Italy, former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi (and his penis) will serve seven years in prison for sexual relations with an underage girl while he was in office. He also tried to cover up the incident, using his position and influence. Berlusconi is no stranger to the courts; he’s been tried 30 times and convicted three, on unrelated incidents. But we have a feeling you can trace most of his reckless behavior to somewhere between his knees and his belly button.

6. Pretty much every politician in China: What is up, Chinese government officials? There are so many gross penis related sex scandals over there right now it’s as if they’re being pumped out by the nation’s factories. Liu Zhijun, the former Railways Minister accepted sexual bribes, three judges in Shanghai are being expelled for hiring sex workers, there are major breast milk sex parties, and one official who reportedly had more than 140 mistresses, including a mother/daughter duo. That totally gives “made in China” new meaning.

7. Bikram Choudhury: And now for a little enlightened sex scandal, yoga style. Bikram Choudhury, the creator of the popular Bikram yoga studios, is in the news again for apparently creating a number of unique yoga poses…that involved his penis. He’s being sued by a former student who claims Bikram would make inappropriate contact while adjusting her in class, as well as ordering the student to kiss him, and grinding his penis on her leg. Down, dog.

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Keep in touch with Jill on Twitter @jillettinger

Image: elle.

Jill Ettinger

Jill Ettinger is a Los Angeles-based journalist and editor focused on the global food system and how it intersects with our cultural traditions, diet preferences, health, and politics. She is the senior editor for sister websites OrganicAuthority.com and EcoSalon.com, and works as a research associate and editor with the Cornucopia Institute, the organic industry watchdog group. Jill has been featured in The Huffington Post, MTV, Reality Sandwich, and Eat Drink Better. www.jillettinger.com.