You Have an Evite from the Baileys!

New Age in the new age.

Event: Liveblogging Maidon’s first sexual encounter. October 22nd, 9:30 EST.

Your response: Maybe attending.

Hi everyone! Just wanted to send out a quick reminder to all of you “maybes” out there that this weekend is the big day and how much it would mean to Maidon if you could share in this family moment with us. I know how busy all of you are! However, those of you who were lucky enough to co-experience Maidon’s natural home birth with us certainly won’t want to miss out on her entrance into reproductive maturity. Circle of life!

A lot of people have been asking us why we chose to live blog and simulcast (via Skype for all you international attendees! I’m looking at you, Aunt Denise!) Maidon’s first intimate encounter rather than just releasing the traditional Twitter announcement or flock of white doves. Well, on one of the most recent Monday night drum circles, Ken challenged everyone in the family to pioneer ways to improve our SEO practices and drive traffic in the coming year. Someone certainly earned the Medicine Wheel of Facilitated Expression that week!

Those of you who attended Parrish’s first birthday party/anti-circumcision demonstration a few years ago will remember how precious these live-streamed shared experiences can be (not to mention the keepsake crocheted foreskin cozies). Who could forget last year’s ultra-marathon to beat menopause we launched on Kickstarter? Or Ken’s vasectomy gluten-free bake sale? These are treasured moments in our family history that are all the richer for being available online in incredible detail for anyone to see, whether friend, relative, neighbor, colleague or spambot. That’s why we add the name of every unique visitor to our blog on the Bailey family quilt. We couldn’t do this without you, MarinDad47.

Afterwards there will be a small ceremony as we share the remaining freeze-dried strips of placenta jerky that Migda, our family doula, prepared after Maidon expressed her autonomy in transitioning “out” of my uterus. Please feel free to stay as we compost the remnants of Maidon’s hymen and use it to sustain the seedlings in her Garden of Self-Nourishing Womanhood, formerly Ken’s heritage chard plot. Commemorative photos and homemade quince jelly will be available for those of you with placental allergies.

Blessings to you all, and don’t forget to tweet, retweet, stumble, digg, star, review on Yelp, like, tumble, post, repost, check in, share, upmod and upvote!

Image: webtreats

Mallory Ortberg

Mallory resides in San Francisco, California. You can catch her weekly Sex By Numbers column.