10 Things You’ll Never Hear at a Lululemon

Where wicking and Objectivism collide.

What’s not to love about a company that manages to combine subliminal messaging with a strong social message? Here, in no particular order, are a series of statements you’re unlikely to overhear at everyone’s favorite purveyor of hundred-dollar hoodies.

“Yes, but do I need a separate sweat-wicking infinity scarf for jogging and Zumba?”

“What a coincidence! Atlas Shrugged inspired me to take up yoga, too. Did you know that “namaste” is the Sanskrit word for Objectivism?”

“Well, at least no one’s been brutally murdered in this particular store.”

“I can’t decide who’s more charming, Dov Charney or Chip Wilson. I like them both so much.”

“Of course I love Bikram yoga, but I’ve been looking for something a little more structured and competitive. And litigious. Are there any cults you can recommend? Maybe one with a worldview that links $70 tank tops to personal growth?”

“This sweater doesn’t have enough zippers on it.”

“Sure, I’ve been to other sporting apparel outlets, but I just don’t feel comfortable buying leggings unless I can see the personal fitness goals of the clerk selling them to me scribbled in chalk on a blackboard by the door.”

“Thank God someone‘s brave enough to speak out on behalf of child labor. I am so sick of Big Youth pushing athletic wear manufacturers around.”

“I’ve been looking for something that combines meditation with balls-out capitalism and a murky connection to Scientology, and I think I’ve found it.”

“Do you have this in a size 14?”


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Mallory Ortberg

Mallory resides in San Francisco, California. You can catch her weekly Sex By Numbers column.