30 Humorous Quotes on Dieting

In honor of National Nutrition Month, a collection of the most ridiculous things ever said about unhealthy dieting.

Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet. -Dan Bennett 

I bought a talking refrigerator that said “Oink” every time I opened the door. It made me hungry for pork chops. -Marie Mott

We’re the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world, and with more diets to keep us from eating it. -Author Unknown

If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people. -Jim Eason

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. -Jim Davis

The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook. -Julia Child

Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, “You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers.” -Dave Barry

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. -Jim Davis

I’m allergic to food. Every time I eat it breaks out into fat. -Jennifer Greene Duncan

If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner. -H.S. Leigh

Vegetarian: an old Indian word for bad hunter. -Author Unknown

Gluttony is not a secret vice. -Orson Welles

I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me that they are wonderful things for other people to go on. -Jean Kerr

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books – how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook. -Andy Rooney

Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge. -Don Kardong

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets. -Author Unknown

If you have formed the habit of checking on every new diet that comes along, you will find that, mercifully, they all blur together, leaving you with only one definite piece of information: french-fried potatoes are out. -Jean Kerr

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. -Orson Welles

I’m not overweight.  I’m just nine inches too short. -Shelley Winters

Diet Coke with lemon – didn’t that used to be called Pledge? -Jay Leno

I highly recommend worrying. It is much more effective than dieting. -William Powell

A waist is a terrible thing to mind. -Tom Wilson

When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won’t dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn’t taste that bad. -Janette Barber

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence?  I think not! -Author Unknown

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. -Joe E. Lewis

Food is like sex: when you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good. -Beth McCollister

The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out. -Author Unknown

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. -Author Unknown

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. -Irv Kupcinet

When we lose twenty pounds… we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. -Woody Allen


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Images: Gideon, Like_the_Grand_Canyon, Alan Cleaver, Puuiki Beach

Jessica Marati

Jessica Marati currently resides in New York City and covers travel and sustainability for EcoSalon. Catch her weekly column, Behind the Label.