5 Classy Marketing Tips for Reaching Unruly Consumers

The fleecing of America begins with savvy marketing.

“Artisan” potato chips are in danger of going the way of “natural” soda thanks to unhelpful consumers who crave exciting new marketing as well as mouthfeel. Did you hear about this? Since the whole “artisan” marketing trend has been exposed and ridiculed, it’s time for manufacturers and marketers in and outside the sustainable realm to conscript new adjectives to help them class up otherwise pedestrian products that, annoyingly, consumers are no longer falling for.

Lay. It used to be that willful ignorance was applauded merely around election season, but with the rise in popularity of intellectual deficiency, it’s a good opportunity to sell hitherto “smart” services as common labor more befitting the common man.

According to the American Bar Association, there are currently 1,225,452 active lawyers in the United States, meaning – more importantly – that there are (as of this writing) 311,279,520 non-lawyers in the United States. Who’s got a better chance of knowing about your day-to-day, non-legal-profession travails – the white-shoe lawyer in the 0.39% or the lay lawyer in the 99.61%? The ABA has hinted at endorsing a lay bar exam by 2014. We are the 99%…who will sue you.

Immigrant-free. With U.S. unemployment close to 10%, companies will surely see the popularity of their products increase if they position themselves as part of the solution to joblessness. An immigrant-free boast can instantly convert your product into a patriotic statement.

Wouldn’t you bristle with pride at your dinner party when your immigrant caterers serve immigrant-free chocolate dipped strawberries in the house you’ve just made sparkling with immigrant-free cleaners? Sure, there’s some implicit xenophobia and racism here, but wouldn’t you rather be perceived as patriotic than not-racist or not-xenophobic? Exactly. Naturally, the immigrant-free American Flag lapel pin – Chinese-made so Chinese workers don’t have to emigrate to produce them here – is coming soon.

Orthodox. Here’s a word that’s been itching to shed its religious overtones ever since “fundamentalist” came along, usurping the sheen of close-minded nastiness it had enjoyed uniquely for nearly 2,000 years. Throw in the aesthetics associated with Orthodox Christianity and the erudition associated with Orthodox Judaism, and you’ve got some real synergy.

Imagine purchasing Orthodox Clorox for your disinfecting needs. Or Orthodox Nestle?

Siberian. Do you know what it’s like in Siberia? Aside from some lit-class forays into something called Dostoevsky and Solzhenitsyn, most of us don’t like leaving the region – and its natural characteristics – wide-open to liberal interpretation. Siberian huskies are the best kind of huskies; ditto for Siberian tigers and Siberian winters. There was even a time when the world’s best figure skater was Siberian, too.

Siberian MacBook? Makes the Panasonic Toughbook look like this. Besides, Snow Leopard? Think about it.

 j-. Apple’s made hay with the letter i, so why not one-up them with j? Imagine everything you love about Apple products – the sleek design, the smugly sophisticated sense of superiority – and now make it one better. If Spinal Tap’s amps can go to 11, then surely your phone can go to j.

But don’t limit yourself to personal electronics. jCarrots, for example, are perfectly symmetrical, easy to chop for soups, stews, or snacks – much more convenient than your standard carrots, plus they make a bigger statement that baby carrots. And you’ll crave jCigarettes not for their nicotine, but because you simply must advertise to the world that you’re smoking a “designed in California” masterpiece, not some garden-variety, cloned e-cigarette. And when upgrading products, simply add the letter t, and everyone will know it’s this year’s model, such as the newly released and eminently yellow, deliciously un-mushy jBanana 4t.

Image: Mhaller 1979