9 Types of Couple Selfies That Make Us Want to Poke Our Eyes Out

couple taking a selfie

The top couple selfies that just make you want to vom.

Just to be clear, this isn’t an article about how couple selfies are evil. Couple selfies in moderation can be pretty effing adorable. I mean, you want your friends to be happy, right? (Right?) I’m talking about the couple selfies that are posted every 35 seconds – by the same couple.

You know the ones: They’re essentially the Kim and Kanye of your newsfeed, attention mongers so obsessed about being in a relationship there’s no time for an actual relationship. But who needs a real relationship as long as it looks like you have one? (No. Just no.)

Here are 9 types of couple selfies that used to be cute but are now the worst:

1. The makeout selfie

“It’s just so amazing how they captured that kiss so candidly,” said no one ever. She probably kissed his cheek so many times to get the lighting “just right” that her face hurts.

2. The look-at-how-cute-we-are selfie

The couples costumes at Halloween. The matching workout gear. The sharing that one spaghetti noodle. The emoticons. The lolz. The mushy gushy comments back and forth like the rest of the universe doesn’t exist. We do exist, and we’re gagging.

3. The overshare selfie

“This is me in the produce section of the grocery store.”

“This is me picking out apples.”

“Ohhh, this apple looks like a heart.”

And that one over there looks like I’m about to throw it at you.

4. The bling selfie

Only this time, the couple selfies are of her and her engagement ring, which cost more than her implants.

5. The adventure selfie

They go skiing, they kayak, they bike, they take classes together, which reminds us that we’re sitting at home in our Wednesday track pants dipping into our Thursday wine. Thanks for that.

6. The date night selfie

We get it, you’re #blessed. Now excuse me while I take a bath… with my toaster.

7. The milestone selfie

“It’s our one month anniversary!” is something that’s only allowed in high school when being with a guy for one month feels like eternity. We don’t need to know that it’s the one week anniversary of your first colonoscopy together, nor will we need to know that you’re on the way to your first marriage counselling sesh.

8. The oh-look-we-just-woke-up-this-way selfie

Bitch please.

9. The after-sex selfie

Not only do we not care like at all, but the second her sex drive hits a rough patch (and trust me, it will), the entire universe is going to know you’re not getting any – and immediately dance a jig of glee.

Which couple selfies do you find especially cringeworthy?

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Image: Pasko Tomic

Krissy Brady

Krissy Brady is a women’s health + lifestyle writer who’s so out of shape, it’s like she has the innards of an 80-year-old. Instead of learning how to crochet, she decided to turn her emotional baggage into a writing career (genius, no?). You can follow her shenanigans on Twitter (you know, if you want).