iClutter: 13 Accessories You Really Don’t Need for Your Apple

A dozen plus ways to waste money on Apple gadgets this holiday season. 

What do you get for the Apple enthusiast who has it all? Somewhere to stick it. There are thousands, possibly hundreds of thousands, of ways to accomplish this as the dawning of the iPhone and iPad era have heralded an influx of inventors and entrepreneurs all competing for your iCash.

Some are truly ingenious, others not so much. Here are a dozen plus that are just straight up obnoxious.

The iHome iP4 Boombox is built to look like an old-school cassette-player of yesteryear, except it’s 2012. We get that the iGeneration’s most evangelical customers peaked when The Beastie Boys headlined Lollapalooza in 1994, but must they be so self-referential about it? It’s like talking to the Woodstock kids of the grunge generation.

Just what you ask is this?

Evidently, the DigiTech iPad Pedalboard is a “Programmable Pedalboard [that] sets a new standard for guitar signal processing by harnessing the power of the iPad.” It “unleashes” the power to create guitar effects “like never before.” Hendrix is shaking in his grave.

The iPhone Lens Dial was invented to further indenture you to your mobile telephone.

It’s a mountable photo-enhancing tool, kind of like a camera used to be. (Cameras you know are so two years ago.)

The iD91 is a dual alarm clock radio for your iPhone or iPad, which lets you charge your device (because only Luddites use their Apple issued chargers) and acts as an alarm clock. That’s neat. Need we mention that there’s a free app for that?



The following can be used as a gaming joystick or a form of birth control. I swear that thing looks like a plastic IUD.

For the Polio stricken iPad, the clunky TabGrip will get your device back on its feet.

It’s big, it’s bulky, and the CRT TV is the exact opposite of what your iPad is supposed to be.

The iTee and iDress were designed with “the digital lifestyle of Apple lovers in mind.” Although meant for wearing outside of the house, this kind of iFashion is on par with the Camouflage Snuggie.

Speaking of psychotic, check out the TV Hat, which also comes in camo. Great for Skyping, snuggling in with your iSpouse, watching online porn, and virtual gaming (please, skip ahead to the 1:30 mark).

Millions of people play Angry Birds, wherein players use a slingshot to fling birds at pigs. Given the average lifespan of a human being, we’re not sure why one would use up precious hours in this pursuit. Nor do we understand why one would dock their iPhone in one.

The Black Diamond promises “a hypnotic, swirling lightshow,” as evidenced by the scintillating video below. It’s like a modern day lava lamp, except it’s really lame. A few more caveats: to use it, you must first download the app and remove your protective case each and every time you care to charge your phone as the magic crystal ball requires it to be fully unsheathed.

The iPad is a great and wondrous thing, as is Velcro. The former, however, happens to be a $500 piece of very breakable technology that should never, ever be affixed to the ceiling, motorcycle or window on a rainy day with the latter.

The USB Typewriter costs $799, about $300 more than the iPad you can hook it up to. Why would you trick out your iPad with the USB typewriter?

The world may never know.

Image: Juicy Dog Couture, photojojo

K. Emily Bond

K. Emily Bond is the Shelter Editor at EcoSalon and currently resides in southern Spain, reporting on trends in art, design, sustainable living and lifestyle.