To you doers of good, we say thanks. You clean up after yourself. You say kind things in YouTube comments. Your DIY projects make killer Christmas presents, and you always know where to get the best arepas. But sometimes, we really wish that you’d give it a rest. Need us to get more specific?
7. The Advice-giver. In his mind, he’s the only person in the world with access to the internet. And it’s his responsibility to make sure that you know everything he does. He’s just trying to help, so why are you getting so defensive? His favorite response to any good news is “Actually, did you know [that can kill you and everyone you love]?” For example, you just posted a video from your phone of your baby taking his first step. He writes: “Actually, did you know that the radiation from cell phones are probably the leading cause of peanut allergies today? Just a thought before you point that death ray at your baby’s head.”
6. The Experimenter. If you can cleanse it, she’ll pour lemon juice on it. If she reads an article about the evils of shampoo (“My God, they put chemicals in it?”), she’ll dump every bottle she has and buy a lesser evil. A pair of $90 running shoes designed to mimic the experience of not wearing shoes? She wears them to the farmer’s market. She drank raw milk every day until she gave up dairy, and whether she’s Paleo or vegan, you can bet she’s going to tell you exactly what she had for lunch today, whether you asked her or not.
5. The Petitioner. Every Facebook status is a link to another atrocity you have to learn about right now, followed by an online petition that will halt said atrocity immediately by adding your name to an instantly-generated email that will be sent to your local state representative. “You guys really need to sign this, or else they’re going to close Planned Parenthood forever and replace it with farm factories staffed exclusively by violent police officers and plastic bags.” Her profile picture is lilac today, in a mark of protest against a recent crime against human rights, and if you don’t know what crime that is, you’re clearly part of the problem.
4. Gwyneth Paltrow. For cupping, for GOOP, for cheating on poor Matt Damon and then killing everyone in Contagion – take your pick.
3. The Label-Free. “I don’t think labels belong on people. I’m pansexual. But honestly, even think that term doesn’t really begin to capture my shimmering, omni-gendered nature. It’s such a shame that we have to use such limiting means of communication like language to express something as fluid and subversive as sexual orientation. I actually prefer to identify as a ball of glitter that pulses and contracts with the cycles of the moon. Or a dolphin made of teamwork. I haven’t decided. Oh, I own four pairs of custom-made fairy wings; why do you ask?”
2.The Fundraiser who Needs Fundraisers for Self-Worth.
“Don’t forget that my 10K/Ironman/cross-country bike trip to fight/raise awareness for/cure AIDs/breast cancer/global inequality/child slavery/non-GMO seed banks is next week!”
“Oh, can I not just write a check?”
“Can a check fill my Facebook Charity Walk 2011 album with 50 unique crowd shots? Can a check send me monthly emails thanking me for doing my part and reminding me that this year we’re going to exceed our goal and they couldn’t do it without me?”
“I guess I just don’t see how giving to charity and exercise are related, other than they both generally seem to be good things. You don’t do push-ups to resist global food distribution inequality or anything.”
“So are you going to donate or what? 50% of all donations will go to race-day expenses and staff salaries, but the rest directly funds life-saving research. And Cancer Awareness apparel. But 3% of all sales from the apparel goes back into the research fund! Which is evaluated and redistributed at the end of the year by a team of paid accountants.”
1. The Office Watchdog. We’re not sure who you are, because you seem to operate under the cover of darkness, but we see the trail you leave behind. The suspiciously chipper notes in the kitchen (“PLEASE BE SURE TO WASH ALL DISHES AS SOON AS YOU’RE DONE USING THEM – THANKS!!!!” and “DO NOT PUT FOIL IN THE COMPOST BIN; SOME OF US HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT AND CHECK FOR NON-BIODEGRADABLE ITEMS :)”) belie an undercurrent of rage and bile so potent it nearly chokes you. Please seek help.