Mallory Ortberg

Mallory resides in San Francisco, California. You can catch her weekly Sex By Numbers column.

Articles by Mallory Ortberg:

Most Ridiculous Quotes About Women (2012 Edition)

With beliefs like these floating around, we have to remind ourselves that it’s 2012.

Welcome back everyone! Bad news, they did not cancel sexism this year so we’ve got a full list of horrific quotes about women made in 2012 to look forward to. All of last year’s rules apply, with this notable exception: you will find no Republican politicians here. They are Professionals and we’re dealing strictly with amateurs who play for the love of the game.

10. Licensed comedy expert Nikki Finke at Deadline Hollywood: “Beautiful actresses are not funny. They don’t know how to do comedy…Only women who grew up ugly and stayed ugly, or through plastic surgery became beautiful, can pull off sitcoms or standups [sic].” Women who were born beautiful but were mauled or otherwise mutilated can sometimes become funny but only after they have been disfigured for a period of time equal to or greater than the duration of their attractive years.

9. Justice Bhaktavatsala, an Indian judge on single female lawyers: “[F]amily matters should be argued only by married people, not spinsters.” Which, speaking of, how good is The Good Wife this season? So good, right? I would say “surprisingly good.” Anything that keeps Christine Baranski working, you know.

You Are Better Than Hummus

Hummus and other foods as quintessential nut busters.

One thing we can all agree on is that for the most part, human existence is life in a grotesque series of soul-crushing indignities punctuated by intermittent, alternating bouts of boredom and suffering. All this yet you refuse to make things a little bit easier on yourself, instead insisting upon mediocrity at every turn.

With that, please stop eating protein bars; you’re going to die someday and that will be the end of you. Try to snatch a moment of pleasure in between the twin blacknesses of the cradle and the grave. You are a human being and the entire universe is an unending frozen scream; don’t make things harder than they already are. You can do better than this – you will do better. Keep some of the following precepts in mind and throw a wrench in the Machine.

Republicans Huge Into Sexual Role-Playing

Hey ladies look! This is really just a fun game!

Listen, you would hardly consider blaming modern-day Civil War reenactors for the massive casualties sustained at the Battle of Shiloh. So there’s no need to get upset with Republican officials for trying to recreate the state of women’s rights in 1860. They’re propelled by curiosity – what it must have been like to live in a world where women weren’t allowed to control their own bodies? They’re living historians committed to total immersion in the past. Last time I checked there’s no law against caring too much.

10 Fortunes You Never Got In Your Cookie

In a perfect world, all restaurants would serve these.

10. Someone at this table has bedbugs.

9. This Christmas you are going to get four separate copies of Cheryl Strayed’s Wild from various acquaintances and your mother. This is inevitable; you cannot change it.

8. When the Mommy Wars draw to a bloody close in 2044, the few surviving men will be chained in the natal mines. Only one woman will be able to bring them back. That woman is you.

7. You will be an active part of a future movement …

Sex by Numbers: The Big Easy

A weekly look at sex and culture, by the numbers.

What better way to celebrate SCOTUS’ preservation of Obamacare than a new installment of Sex by Numbers?

35: Percentage of survey respondents who believed more than a quarter of Americans are LGBT

<5: Percentage of Americans who are actually LGBT

Sex by Numbers: An App A Day

A weekly look at sex and culture, by the numbers.

9: Fossils of turtle couples that apparently died while mating that were recently discovered in an ancient lake bed in Germany

19cm: Length of a double-headed sex toy that Chinese reporter Ye Yunfeng identified as a “rare mushroom” on national television

Sex by Numbers: A Very Blue Hawaii

A weekly look at sex and culture, by the numbers.

1 minute: Length of the first Magic Mike trailer to feature full male nudity, released this week

112: Age of recently discovered notes from a failed Antarctic expedition describing the “depraved” behavior of Adelie penguins, including apparent acts of necrophilia

$413: Difference in amount earned per hour by one American stripper in a single month last year

1200: Wedding licenses pulled by Hawaiian wedding planner Maui’d Forever since a recent ruling requires all weddings taking place on Hawaii’s beaches to purchase …

Sex by Numbers: An Ounce of Prevention

A weekly look at sex and culture, by the numbers.

$900k: Amount awarded to a woman in Oregon after suing her partner for lying about condom use and giving her a case of genital herpes

$29: Cost of a 50 Shades of Grey book-and-bondage set at Babeland in NYC

1: Number of “love days” allotted to Germany’s national soccer team players during this month’s Euro 2012 competition, a non-practice day in which players are allowed to spend time with their wives and partners

7: Years between Wade Davis’ retirement from the …